wise words

Shefali Tsabary on Conscious Relationships

by Sandra Yeyati

Offering innovative approaches to mindful living, Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, international keynote speaker and bestselling author of The Conscious Parent, Out of Control and her latest, The Awakened Family. She has presented talks at TEDx, the Kellogg Business School, The Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education, and SuperSoul Sessions with Oprah Winfrey, who has endorsed her work as revolutionary and life-changing.

Why do we have so much trouble with our romantic relationships?

Because we enter relationships without having entered a relationship with ourselves. We look to the other person and the relationship to fill us up, to give us what we are missing from within, and what we don’t realize is that the other person is there for the same reason. After the initial chemical, hormonal lust phase, we realize that the other person cannot be our parent figure and that they cannot fulfill our unfulfilled inner child needs. The disappointment is so great and the anger so livid that we spiral into hurt, disappointment and unmet expectations without realizing that the other hasn’t done anything. We typically attract people who are going to be mirrors that show us how we need to reparent ourselves and force us to repeat childhood patterns. If we have an issue of unworthiness, that’s going to show up. If we have fear of rejection, that’s going to show up, and all fingers point to the imperative that we do our own inner work.

What does that inner work look like?

The first step is realizing that what’s happening in the relationship is really a reflection of the inner state of being, and therefore isn’t the other person’s fault that I’m feeling rejected, hurt or unworthy. We stop trying to change, fix or blame the other. We then hire a therapist or join a self-development course and begin to understand our inner wounds from childhood that are being repeated in this current dynamic. We have to do the work. It’s not easy. It’s not going to happen just because we made an intellectual decision. It’s a quest, a constant unfolding, unlayering, evolving and becoming more. The goal is your arrival into your most authentic self—into your whole, free self.

How do we remain in a relationship while doing this work?

We become more honest, more up front, more candid and ready to meet the other at our new place of growth. If the other doesn’t want to grow and cannot do this inner work because of their own inner demons and resistance, then maybe you won’t be able to continue on, but you will be conscious enough to be able to release the other of the expectation to continue on. A healthy relationship is a relationship where each person takes responsibility for their own inner growth and their own inner wounds, doesn’t project their needs on the other, parents themselves into a state of wholeness and then releases the other to be free.

How do you define love?

Most of us love egoically, which is loving the other because they make us feel good about ourselves, and the moment they stop making us feel good about ourselves, we actually leave them. That’s why there’s so much divorce. That’s not love. Egoic love is possession, ownership and control. Most of us are mired in those kinds of relationships; the institution of marriage actually supports ownership, possession and control. True, or high love, is the understanding that the other is with you and you are with them to encourage each other’s growth and to see each other be their most authentic, free selves. If that includes being with us, we’re happy. If that includes not being with us, we’re as happy. That’s true love, because you’re in love with the other person’s essence and you’re more invested in the other person’s whole self rather than the self that you want to own and possess.

What is conscious intimacy?

Conscious intimacy starts with how intimate and honest you are with yourself— how sexually connected you are with your needs and your desires. The more unabashed, bare, spontaneous and transparent you can be with yourself, the more you will seek and be around partners who can hold that space with you.

For more information, including online courses, visit DrShefali.com. Her Free to Be course specifically addresses conscious relationship issues.

Sandra Yeyati, J.D., is a professional writer. Reach her at SandraYeyati@gmail.com.

Valentine’s Horoscope 2021

Aries: Communication is important for Aries. You expect a beautiful card, with words you can read and reread to make you feel cherished. You have a tendency to spend too much money on expensive champagne or chocolates. If you are a man, you may want to invest in a symbolic and costly jewel to prove your love. It is a time to clear all resentments and create a special day to start over. express your desires, you want the day to be a firework of sensations. Taurus: Uranus, mars and Lilith in taurus make it all about sensuality. go to a spa for a couples massage. reconnect skin to skin. give each other nice scents with floral fragrances for women and woodsy smells for men. get some massage oils or creams. Share the love through fine food, wines and chocolates. Indulge. Uranus will help get out of your comfort zone and enhance your creativity. Lilith in taurus will help you express your most secret thoughts and emotions. Gemini: the planets in Aquarius bring a soothing atmosphere to your relationship. take your sweetie somewhere special. A nice hotel with a beautiful view would be a good option. Impress your partner with your creativity. As mars will be in taurus, don’t forget the sensual part. You can use your imagination in bed too! Cancer: You need to reconnect with your love. the planets were particularly tough for Cancers this year with all the planets in Capricorn. It is time to relax and have fun. It is time for a change of scenery and routine. get out of the house! rent some place for the weekend or take a basket with champagne and favorite foods to the beach or a waterfall. Find a refined restaurant you both have wanted to try. get a babysitter! Leo: this year is big for Leos! this Valentine’s day has to be extra-special. All the planets in Aquarius are gathered in the couple zone. Your relationship is strong. You know you make a great team. Valentine’s is the opportunity to reward yourselves with candles, flowers and a great dinner with some of the foods you don’t

by Rosine Bramly

typically allow yourself. For one evening you can indulge. Your partner should know a great Valentine card makes you feel valued. Words of love are important for Leos. Virgo: don’t let regular routines and tasks make you forget this special day and weekend. the planets in Aquarius mean a lot of work for you this month. get organized to have some time to relax with your love. try to not take work home, don’t open your work email. You have the right to delicious moments of intimacy. It is more about quality instead of the quantity. Singles may want to organize a Valentine event for friends. You deserve to have fun too! Libra: the best Valentine! the planets in Aquarius are in your love zone. expect your love to surprise you with enthusiasm and romance. this weekend will be a memorable celebration. You share all feelings and emotions without restriction. mars is in the zone of sexuality with Uranus, so you may want to get out of your usual routine. No judgement, and a great sense of humor are required. Feel free to express your secret desires. You are in perfect harmony. Scorpio: mars, Uranus and Lilith are in the zone of the couple. that can be explosive for the best or the worst. do not evoke the worries and problems. make this weekend about you two only. the bed is a great place to share sensations or a massage, and god know how important it is for Scorpios. Forget about the rest, focus on the good. Let your bodies, not your minds lead the dance. Sagittarius: After 2020, you feel antsy, wanting to go somewhere, any place you’ve never been. Send clear clues to your partner at least a week before. You are sensitive to words of love and you express your feelings without reserve. You expect your love to do the same. Uranus and mars are in the work zone. get organized to make this weekend free of any annoying tasks. You want free time and fun. Wearing clothes that are sexy but not warm enough can ruin your weekend. Capricorn: mars, Uranus and Lilith are in your love zone, making for a promising Valentines weekend! After a heavy 2020 you want some sensuality and fun. You are ready to let your partner lead the dance for once. Yes, you have controlling tendencies. Let go of reason, go crazy, it’s ok sometimes. drink and eat what you want, make yourself sexy, leave the work and yoga clothes in the closet. If you are single, it can be a good period to meet someone, so don’t stay home. Spend money on something expensive for your love. Indulge! Aquarius: Saturn, Jupiter, mercury, Venus and the Sun in Aquarius, it’s big! this Valentine’s will be special. You will be so connected to one another, great harmony and depth of feelings. You want to be alone, just the two of you, enjoying every second together. relax and be happy, feeling special in the eyes of your love. You want to melt and fuse into one another. music is important to create the atmosphere you love. If you are not married yet, this can be the moment to decide. Pisces: moon and Neptune are in Pisces. that makes you particularly sensitive and receptive to emotions and feelings. Your intuition is magnified and you can guess everything that is untold or unexpressed. You know exactly what your love needs. don’t let anybody interfere. Forget about your friend who has problems with her husband. this is your precious time, no need to be the kindest all the time. Be selfish this weekend. It is recommended for your energy and your own happiness. enjoy the serenity of just the two of you together.

Rosine Bramly is well known in France as an astrologer and has developed an impressive network of people from different countries who rely on her intuition and knowledge for advice on careers, relationships, and health. In an article in Vanity Fair, Paris she was featured as one of the top astrologers in the world. Bramly will be conducting readings in Mt. Pleasant from February 22nd to 26th. Text 843-532-6328 to schedule and get location information.