6 minute read
Jokes
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep". *********** As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Biden strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Biden, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Biden, always trying to be Presidential, replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses”. ********** A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion... Marion" "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Bob you are in Heaven then" “No Marion.........I'm a rabbit in Barnsley!” ********** Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years. ********** I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up for f**** sake, some of us have got homes to go to! ********** Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b******, I was talking to the cat!'
Jokes ha ha
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Marlene?' 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....’
********** Fred and Larry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mum and Dad's house for their first married night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?' She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school’ After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?' His mum says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mum replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.' He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.' Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand." The older woman felt very low-tech, so not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said.........."Well will you look at that......I'm getting a fax!!"
********** Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'. Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.' 'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? HOLY MOSES Paddy!!!!!..... it's 2022! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?' And Paddy said, 'How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up!!!
********** Q. Why do men become smarter during sex? A. Because they are plugged into a genius.
********** Q. Why don't women blink during sex? A. They don't have enough time.
