The Edge Magazine June 2017 by webwax

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EDGE

the

JUNE 2017

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

ISSUE NO: 248

I N D E P E N D E N T

Fashion "enswear IN CHELMSFORD SINCE 1975

N E W S U M M E R C O L L E C T I O N S N OW AVA I L A B L E I N O U R BADDOW ROAD STORES

www.zagger.co.uk www.theedgemag.co.uk

Telephone 01245 348256

Mobile: 077 646 797 44

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Claremont Home & Garden Centre

Free Cream Tea with any purchase over £7

Freshly brewed Tea or Coffee and a fruit Scone served with Jam and Cream. 10am - 4pm daily.

OVER A 1,000 ROSES NOW IN STOCK! Over 50 different varieties from

The New way to BBQ With our Char Grillers and Chimeneas add in some flavour with our hickory smoking woodchips

FRUIT AND ORNAMENTAL TREES 80 different varities and over 1,000 in stock. Average height 9-10ft

£5.99

From £22.95

Up to

25% OFF selected pots

2017 Pot Range now in Stock With over 2,000 Terracotta, Fibre Clay, Ceramic and Plastic Pots.

Come and see our newly refurbished plant area

Tel: 01245 222643

Bryants Lane, Maldon Road, Woodham Mortimer, Maldon, Essex CM9 6TB Open Mon-Sat 9am - 6pm. Sun 9am - 5pm

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ENROLLING NEW BEGINNERS NOW! One to One and small group tuition. Jun Fan Gung Fu/JKD Concepts. Wing Chun Kung Fu. Filipino Martial Arts. Muay Thai. Judo. Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Yoga. Kickboxing. Maphilindo Silat. Weight Loss. Fitness . Nutrition. Laurence Sandum’s Educational Martial Arts Academy. Unit 13 Crittall Place, Crittall Road. Witham. Essex, CM8 3DR 01376 509064 / 07581 543640 OPEN 7am-5pm Sandwich Bar

Monday - Friday Finest Quality Food

Bagels . Grilled Baguettes . Salads . Soups Jacket Potatoes . Muffins . Hot Wraps Teacakes . Toast . Coffees . Herbal Teas Fresh food made to order 20 Market Road, Chelmsford, CM1 1XA. TEL: 01245 257 239

Here’s ultra cool dude Luke Johnson, bright orange scooter rider and owner of Johnson’s Barbers in Boreham, opposite The Lion Inn. For all caricatures, please contact Ben at benchurchett@aol.com Facecock: Monkey Circus Caricatures by Ben Churchett Instagram: MonkeyCircusCaricatures Twitter: @Benlofc

This PRIME POSITION is now available to let to promote your business!

K1 Kickboxing Class every Wednesday 8:00pm-9:30pm at Lions Boxing Gym Reeds Farm Estate, Roxwell Road, Writtle, Chelmsford, CM1 3RZ. Open to all abilities, beginners to advanced. Great for fitness, self-confidence and self-defence. 07956 968860 Kinetickickboxing@gmail.com Kineticmartialarts.co.uk

Contact 01245 348256 or 077 646 797 44

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The Edge Editorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Column TWAT! I actually got called a twat by someone who works in Asda the other day. Yes, readers, by a member of Asda staff. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d gone to the quicky-tills, only I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have my glasses on me and I knew I needed to key in a 4-digit code for the scanner to record a couple of grapefruits I wished to purchase. So I called the helper-lady over and explained my plight, and she actually look her own glasses off to read the number on the little sticker on my grapefruits. Only as she was reading the number out for me to key into the till, I hit the wrong button by mistake. And thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s when she said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Oh you twat!â&#x20AC;? Immediately followed by a fit of the giggles and a profuse apology. With mock outrage and distress, I duly said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;How very dare you. I could report you to your superiors (which I wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have done in a million years) and get you the sack.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t care,â&#x20AC;? she said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d probably be a bless-

ing in disguise if you did.â&#x20AC;? You know when youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re beaten, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t you? So then, mid-afternoon the very same day, I happened to be in Sainburyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s (yes, I do lead a very exciting life, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll have you know) and I had never seen it so quiet. Anyway, I rocked up at the bakery counter, wanting my loaf of multigrain sliced, just as the bread bloke with a white hat on was about to push a load of bread rolls out onto the shop floor (thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s right, ladies, he wanted to get his baps out). Only he hesitated before stopping what he was doing (in order to attend to me, a paying customer), stifled a sigh, and with acute sarcasm of the highest order said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t you slice your own bloody bread, sir?â&#x20AC;? Top marks for Orange Fanta (banter) is what I thought, so I told him the story of my morning trip to Asda whilst he was attending to my loaf, which seemed to cheer him up a bit. Sâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;truth, I darenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even go to Tesco.

CORONATION STREET Heard one of the best lines Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve ever heard on Coronation Street recently, when David Platt said to his sister (concerning his niece): â&#x20AC;&#x153;Well you put her on the pill. What did you think it was for? Acne?â&#x20AC;?

CUSTOMER COMPLAINT Back to Sainsburyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s and their D.I.Y. scanner machines at their quicky-tills are far too slow. Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re slower than those in Tesco or Asda. In fact, they are the snailâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pace of self-service scanning. Get â&#x20AC;&#x2122;em sorted, please.

TAKE MORE CARE Men need to take more care about the hair that sprouts in their ears, on the backs of their necks and across their shoulders.

PRICK Just this minute had a Welsh prick on the â&#x20AC;&#x2122;phone from Swansea. Something to do with a new government incentive about heating and energy. Naturally I was quick to cut him off by informing him that we already have central heating, double-glazing and cavity wall insulation. Only guess what, readers? What he was trying to sell me had absolutely nothing to do with any of those products, so there was â&#x20AC;&#x153;really no pointâ&#x20AC;? in me â&#x20AC;&#x153;interrupting himâ&#x20AC;? mid-spiel. Well, you can imagine how quickly the â&#x20AC;&#x2122;phone went down after that, canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t you? After calling him a Welsh shipâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s anchor, of course.

JEALOUS I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know about you, but I felt exceedingly jealous of the ecstatic French celebrations outside those wonderful glass pyramids of the Louvre Museum in Gay Paree after Emmanual Macron fought off the challenge of the Front Nationalâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s (as far-right as it gets) Marine Le Pen to become the youngest head of state in the history of our cheese loving, cross-Channel neighbours. It may have been the lowest voting turn out since 1969, but it was still a two-thirds victory for progress, optimism and inclusiveness (or was it simply because the majority despise Le Pen and all that she stands for?) and it somehow feels as though weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re missing out. Macron is just 39, while his wife, Brigitte, is 64, by the way. So what are we to make of that, if anything?

RESURFACING For Christâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sake, is Princes Road ever going to be resurfaced, or what? THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 01245 348256

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! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! Here’s!Mrs! Edge demonstrating the toilet !! ! !facili! !! !! ! ! !!!! ! in! ! a!!! field ! ! of! a campervan ties at! the up in! ! ! back ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! !! ! ! ! ! Lincolnshire. ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! gone !! TBH !I figured I’d !completely ! !! ! ! ! off !the idea of ! ! ! ! ! !a campervan, ! ! ! we ! !we’d ever !owning thought ! ! ! ! ! but ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! the ! ! ! East ! !Show! ! ! ! ! up to ! of ! !England have a! drive ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! in ! ! Peterborough ! ! ! ! simply !! ! ! to knock-on-the! !! ground ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! head! any lingering doubts me and the missus ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !have. ! ! ! ! ! might !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! and !her !indoors ! !!in and !! out ! So we was ! ! ! ! got ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! there ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! of pretty much every single campervan there ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!!! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! !! ! ! the ! !other, ! was, cob ! !!whilst ! ! !! I! had!! a! right ! ! one ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!after ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!was ! !!! ! ! !! !hell!we on and what ! ! wondering !! ! the! bloody ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! were doing there. ! !even ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! an !! indoor Only! ! it!!clouded ! ! and ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!over !!!! !I spotted ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! so ! !! !butchers section, ! I !said, ! “Let’s ! ! !! a quick ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! have ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! in here, make ! ! !!just ! !to ! ! !sure ! !we ! don’t ! miss !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! anything.” ! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! we ! !BOTH ! ! ! ! ! ! And!!that’s immediately fell ! ! ! ! !when ! ! ! ! ! ! in ! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !the ! love !with !! exactly ! ! ! what! we ! ! just ! ! ! !saw !! !beyond !! !! !! doors... !!! ! ! !! !!! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! entrance ! ! !!! on ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! !!!! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! Full ! !!! story ! !! page ! 18 !

! ! ! Peterborough Campervan ! ! 2017 ! Show

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!! Haselhurst ! ! ! Sir Alan ! ! ! ! Edge ! ! on ! ! ! The ! !! ! follows ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! TWITTER !! ! ! ! ! !

! ! ! ! ! I’ll! have ! ! readers, ! ! ! you ! !! know. !! ! ! ! ! He !so !! ! does, ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! up!!who! he ! was, ! ! ! ! !! ! to look ! ! ! !you, Mind ! ! !! I had !! ! ! ! ! ! ! and it !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! turns! !out! he’s! the former Member of Parliament ! ! ! !! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! !!! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! Walden, for Saffron whom he’s served for the !! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! past 40 years since 1977, only he’s just recently ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!!! !! !!! !!!!! ! !!! ! stepped down from his role as he doesn’t want ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! to overstay his welcome, gawd bless him. ! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ought Hey,! there’s a fair few politicians who to !!! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! take a leaf out of Sir Alan’s book, is what this ! ! !! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! mag has to say. ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! Come to think of it, !there! might! even be an ! !!!! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! opening for him at The Edge as a columnist, if ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! a! !decent ! ! enough ! ! sense-of-humour ! ! ! ! !and he’s got !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ramble ! doesn’t on too much, ’ey what, readers? ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! in !favour, ! ! ! say!!!AYE. ! ! ! ! !! ! ! All! those ! ! ! ! ! ! Motion !! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! carried. !! ! ! him! directly. I’ll contact !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! And I !just ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! have. So !let’s whether ! !! ! see !! get ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! Sir! Al!!bothers ! ! ! to ! back in touch, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! shall ! ! we? Speaking !of Thursday ! politics, ! !! ! 8th ! ! yet ! ! June, ! another !! ! General !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !Election. ! ! ! ! ! !!! Do! you ! !! us ! !!lead ! honestly !! ! ! trust ! ! any! !!of! them ! ! to ! ! path ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! down ! ! the ! !! !of righteousness? ! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !!! !! !!! !! ! !!! !! !!!! !! !! ! !!! !! !! ! ! !! !!!! !! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! !!! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !!! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! !!! !! !! !!! !! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! !!! !!! !!!!! ! !!! ! !! ! !! !! !! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! !! !! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!!!! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !

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Consider yourself a bit of an Ernest Hemingway? We’re always interested in submissions from new columnists/writers. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 248_The Edge 172.qxd 24/05/2017 14:51 Page 6

Stephen Alexander Hairdressing

WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...

We would like to offer you

UNLIMITED BLOW DRY’S

during any month for ONLY £65! T&C’s apply. Maximum 1 blow dry per day Has to be with either Lily or Betsy All other hair services are charged at normal rates (blow dry package not included) Month runs from 1st to last day of month of your choice Not to be used in conjunction with any othe offer

203 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 0LG. TEL: 01245 494194 www.stephenalexander.co.uk EMAIL: sayhair@sayhair.co.uk

“AHHHHH, DIDDUMS!”

SUBscribe to theEDGE

http://theedgemag.co.uk/blog/subscribe/

A1£15

Posters Full Colour (on 165gsm Matt Poster)

£2.30

Tips: Mulch Hollyhocks with bark or composted bark which will help to prevent rust. Damp down the floor of the glasshouse regularly on hot days to reduce the risk of glasshouse red house spider mite.

Black Ink Plans/CAD

01245 26 25 27 25 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1TB

Call us today or visit us in store for details!

Apply selective liquid lawn weed killers. Spray Roses for aphids such as greenfly, as well as rust and blackspot. We recommend Roseclear ready to use. Mulch garden borders with bark to retain moisture during the summer. See our specialist bark products. Plant out Dahlias. Plant out Marrows, Courgettes, Pumpkins and Tomatoes. (See our new extensive range of grafted pot vegetables.) Spray Lillies for Lily beetle. These are easy to spot as they are bright red in colour. Apply slug pellets to Hostas. Shade greenhouses and put up sticky yellow insect traps, to prevent insects from laying their eggs on your crops. Apply chicken pellets to allotments, vegetable plots and borders, as this acts as a good slow release fertiliser. Put up Runner Bean and Sweet Pea supports. Tie in climbers to trellis and prune Wisteria straight after flowering. Trim box hedging. Plant bedding plants now. Sow Beetroot, Lettuce, Radish and French Beans. Apply compost generators to compost bins. Plant herbs ready for summer use.

Prices inclusive of VAT

subject to terms & conditions

Plant of the month: Azaleas A popular evergreen shrub that comes in many shapes and sizes. A versatile plant that is easy to grow in either containers or garden borders. It comes in many coloured blooms and with many variants of foliage. Ideal for colour in your garden throughout June. New in store this month: Chargriller BBQ's and smokers Good selection of BBQ tools Lumpwood charcoal, briquettes and infused wood chips, ideal for flavouring your BBQ meats. Citronella candles to keep away mosquitos on long summer evenings.

DOORS - DOORS - DOORS ‘Cheerful Bob’ & Bros. inc. ‘Serious Chris’ & ‘Forgetful Dave’ - all ‘Alive & Fitting’! Family Business Est. 1979 Internal/External, Hardwood/Softwood, Stairs & Spindles a speciality. Visit our door stall on Saturday’s at Chelmsford Market www.bobsdoors.co.uk bob@bobsdoors.co.uk

T. 01245 361201 Page 6

M. 0777 893 8920

We provide reliable and cost effective leaflet, booklet, menu and magazine door drop distribution. Distribute4u offer packages to suit every budget. Our clientbase ranges from well known High Street brands to tradesmen, local leisure centres, estate agents etc. WHY? Because leafleting works for all types of businesses! We cover Chelmsford and the surounding area, plus SS, RM and IG postcodes. Check out our website for more information and our Blog tips on what to include on your leaflet. 10% discount on your very first order when you mention The EDGE! Vacancies in your area - apply today on the Distribute4u website www.distribute4u.info Telephone: 0795 723 6299 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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winning cabaret host, Dusty Limits, and performances from the world of Cirque du Soleil. Oh, and not forgetting the usual Fling favourites, which include Silent Disco, Horse World, the Bollywood tent, Fire Garden and the craft making Rubbish to Treasure.

The Fling Festival returns to Hylands Park, Chelmsford, on Saturday 1st July. The Fling is like no other, curated purely for adults with curiosity encouraged, and featuring a diverse mix of entertainment, including music, comedy, theatre, cabaret, crafts, burlesque, curious sideshows, and much, much more.

This year also sees the introduction of some brand new attractions including the bubble-tastic setting of the Prosecco Garden, the dancefloor shaking Funk & Soul Tent, as well as the best of local live entertainment from the Marconi Stage. Together with an increase in the numbers of bars and staff on duty, even more culinary options will be provided for vegans, vegetarians and allergy intolerant revelers. VIP, Tier 1 and Tier 2 tickets have all sold out. The last and final tier is currently on sale now.

For up-to-date festival information, including some exciting announcements coming up over the next few weeks, please visit the official website www.FlingFestival.com or follow social media pages: facebook.com/flingfestival twitter.com/flingfestival The Fling Festival is produced by Chelmsford City Council Events & Engagement Team with support from Essex & Suffolk Water.

On top of all this there’s a World Exclusive BBC 6 Music DJ battle between Steve Lamacq and Shaun Keaveny, the return of the award

SEAMLESS MUSIC IN

bang–olufsen.com

Headlining the main stage is legendary band, The Blockheads, who’ll be smashing out their hits ‘Hit Me with your Rhythm Stick’, ‘Billericay Dickie’ and ‘Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll’. There is also a spoken word headline performance from the original punk poet, Dr John Cooper Clarke, plus a comedy headline set from that charismatic motor-mouth, Seann Walsh.

Matthew Sadler

This year promises to be the best yet with more bars, more walkabout fun, and more surprises lined up to satisfy, entertain and ‘wow’ the inquisitive crowds.

EVERY ROOM O u r co ll e c tio n of wire le ss sp e a ke rs is d e sig n e d to co n n e c t into o n e M ultiro o m a u dio sys te m , a llowin g yo u to sim ulta n e o usly p lay dif fe re nt m usic in dif fe re nt ro o ms – o r th e s a m e tu n e in a ll ro o ms .

LIKE NO ONE ELSE

The Edge 01245 348256

* Beoplay M5: recommended retail price £529.

G et s ta r te d f ro m £ 52 9 .*

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The Ship Inn is a local pub in the heart of picturesque Burnham-on-Crouch, serving fine food, classic pub lunches, and a wide selection of drinks, in a casual ! and relaxed ! setting.

The menu at The Ship Inn changes every eight weeks and all of their dishes are homemade, from fresh, daily baked bread, to oh so much moreish churned ! ! ! ! ice-cream. !

!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! !!! !! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! ! !! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!!! ! ! ! !! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !!! !!! !!!! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! !!! ! !! and ! !! ! ! ! !! reno! Following ! !! !! !! ! !an! !extensive ! ! !! ! ! sympathetic ! ! ! ! !! !doors ! !! in ! ! !! the !! Ship !! !! ! !Inn ! !! re-opened ! ! ! ! ! ! !! its ! vation, ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !as ! !! Pub ! ! !! ! !! !! November ! ! !!! ! ! 2015 ! !! a ! !! and ! !!Dining ! Room. !! ! of ! stylish !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !design, !!! ! ! indulgent ! ! !a! ! unique !! !! ! mix ! Take ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! comfort, a! very warm ! plus ! ! !!welcome, ! ! ! ! and !you !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! are! !very close as to ! what !to expect from your ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! very!! first ! ! ! !You !! !will! feel ! !instantly ! !! ! ! !at! ! home ! ! ! !! visit. ! ! ! ! ! ! boutique ! ! rooms, ! ! !! in either !! ! !! ! of ! ! ! !!! !! !style ! ! !! ! !!! ! the!!!three ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!comes ! ! ! ! first. where ! ! ! service ! ! ! !always ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! A well-established bar area offers a ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! great ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !locally ! !! ! ! ! ! of ! ! !!! ! ! sourced ! ! ! ! !! !ales variety ! (including ! ! ! ! ! !! ! Tower ! ! !Brewery ! ! ! beers ! ! ! from ! !! Round ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !in ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Chelmsford), ! ! a carefully ! ! ! selected ! ! ! !wine! list, !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !gins, !!! ! extensive ! ! an ! ! !! ! ! !! ! range of ! ! whiskies, ! ! ! ! !! plus ! !!! ! Unfussy !! !!!! !! ! ! ! and ! !! !! !delectable !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! spirits. !!! and! other ! !!! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! !!!! ! ! !! ! !! ! mainly the ! !! ! British, !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! bar !menu ! !!!comprehensive ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! features selection light, ! ! ! !an ! ! !amazing !! ! ! !! !of ! ! sea! ! !!as! ! homemade ! ! !!!scotch !! sonal! snacks, such ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! egg, !lamb ! ! sandwich ! ! and much, ! ! much ! ! more. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! !!!! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!!! ! !! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! !!!! ! !!

!! !! !! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!!! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! !!!!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! !! ! ! !!!! !!! ! ! !! ! !!!! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! !!! !! !! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! !!!! !! !! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !!! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! !! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !!! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! # ! ! ! The ! ! opened ! ! !!! ! Finally, ! !Ship Inn ! !has ! just ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !three ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! en-suite ! ! ! ! ! !! ! boutique guest bedrooms available ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! All the ! !rooms! are! beautifully ! for !their ! ! ! !visitors. !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! decorated, ! !! ! !! !! ! king !! ! ! ! !! !with! comfortable ! !! size! beds ! !! ! ! !Egyptian ! ! cotton ! !bedlinen ! ! ! ! ! and! premium just ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !a good ! ! !! ! ! sleep. what you ! ! !!!! !night ! ! !!!need !! ! ! ! for ! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!!! !! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!!! ! ! !!!!! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! !!!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! !!! !!!!! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! !! !!!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! media ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! Social ! !! ! ! ! !!!links: ! !! ! !!!@Theshipinnburnham !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! !! ! !!! Facebook ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! @ShipInnBurnham ! ! ! ! ! Twitter ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! Instagram @shipinnburnham ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! www.theshipinnburnham.co.uk ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! !!! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !!! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !!! !! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!!! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!!! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! !!!! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !!! !! !! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!

A1ÂŁ15

Posters Full Colour (on 165gsm Matt Poster)

ÂŁ2.30

Black Ink Plans/CAD

01245 26 25 27 25 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1TB

Call us today or visit us in store for details!

Prices inclusive of VAT

subject to terms & conditions

! ! ! !! !! !! !! ! ! !

The Edge 248_The Edge 172.qxd 24/05/2017 14:55 Page 9

This is me stash of Carte Noire decaff coffee, readers. Mrs Edge get’s ’em whenever there’s an offer on as I probably get through a jar a week (yes, that’s why I drink the decaff option). Some of you go outside for a fag break at work, but I nip downstairs and make a brew. It’s all about helping to get oneself through yet another working day, isn’t it? Next month: What I generally have in me sandwiches of a lunchtime.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

My current car is the first one I’ve ever had with a SatNav built in and I guess they’re a decent enough bit of kit. But dear oh dear, they do remind you, once you’ve keyed in where you want to go, that they’ll pretty much do their best to get you there and not to get angry with them if they make a complete and utter hash of matters. Like most guys, I tend to think that I’m right an awful lot of the time, so such an attitude often makes me quite short with my SatNav. “Can you please not argue with her?” my wife will often comment. “But she’s not telling me that I’m about to make a turning quickly enough,” I'll complain. “She needs to be telling me much earlier so that I have sufficient time to check my mirror, signal and manoeuvre,” I protest. (Oh yes, readers, I’m a proper little Boy Scout once behind the wheel of my car.) I also don’t know how to clear previous addresses I’ve keyed in either, and nor can I find the bit where it tells me how to do such in the manual that came with the car. I wouldn’t say I’m 100% OCD, but I just think it’s somehow untidy having a load of old destinations clogging up your SatNav. Because if you ever sold the car, the new owner would definitely want the SatNav clear of addresses that meant absolutely nothing to them, wouldn’t they? And the woman’s voice definitely gets on my pip. I’d much prefer the sarcasm of Peter Cook, or the country bumpkin drawl of Pam Ayres, perhaps. Or maybe the barking Welsh orders of a Windsor Davies, aka battery Sergeant Williams character from It Ain’t Half Hot. You should also be able to have a proper conversation with your SatNav (i.e. there should be an actual person strapped to the roof of your car directing you with a tannoy).

I’d been curious about The Company Shed on Mersea Island for a while (incidentally, this is not it, above. Rather I think it’s someone’s houseboat on Mersea Island), so the other Bank Holiday Monday we eventually managed to get there. And....it’s not for me. Well, there’s no outside eating area, unlike its rival at Maldon, is there? So I said to one of the girls serving, give us a pint of prawns to take-away and we’ll go find a bench to sit on overlooking the water. Found bench. Opened bag of prawns. And found they were bloody frozen. She knew what our intention was, so why not tell me the buggers were frozen? We then sat outside a pub overlooking the water that I have to admit I was dubious about (I have a sixth sense about pubs), but I was starving, so I ordered a prawn sandwich that was actually a prawn & cheese sandwich. You what? Prawn and bloody cheese? Correct. All £6.95 of it. And it was rank. What a rip-off. So, all in all, not a very successful trip.

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The Edge 248_The Edge 172.qxd 24/05/2017 14:46 Page 10

LAUREN’S

LOGIC

Summer? Summer! Finally. We’ve missed you.

The Next Samantha Jones Ah, Samantha Jones. A woman who defines self-confidence, especially when it comes to men. Break-ups aren’t ideal; we’ve all been there. Crying to our girlfriends over pizza. Convincing ourselves we’ll be ‘forever alone’ or that we ‘can do so much better’. But girls (or guys), if you’re feeling as though self-pity is your only hope of salvation, Samantha Jones is your woman. “His problem is, he’s an arsehole.” Yep, it’s okay to rewind and play that line at least 7 more times. You go from weekly date nights to trying to remove those extra stubborn blackheads from your nose on a Friday. (Gross, but we’ve all done it, right?) Continually refreshing WhatsApp to let all those ignoring you know that you know they’re ignoring you. All very complicated. But girls, this isn’t the way forward. Buy the bag. Drench yourself in Nina Ricci perfume and get yourself back out there. Be the next Samantha Jones. (Sorry guys, you’re not all that bad)

Pure Gym, Pure Me

MUMMY TUMMY TO

YUMMY MUMMY DNA Group Fit a fun fuelled fitness solution

Entering my 9-digit pin at 8.00am on a Saturday morning, in order to attend a spinning class, is something almost alien to me. Think back to my February column. Being born into a family driven by fitness has always been something of an achilles heel to me. So it may be half way through the year, but my New Year’s Resolution has finally kicked in. Better late than never, I guess. I’ve found that the majority of women in the gym look at the men, yet the men are far more interested in looking at themselves. I mean, I chose bright neon running tights to catch some sort of attention. Thank you, Pure Gym. I’m now a rejuvenated woman. One who loves protein shakes, Nike (gym guys) and lettuce? However, it would be very, very nice if you (Pure Gym) could also run a dating facility on the side. Just in case I happen to find my Prince Charming on the treadmill next to me. After all, we don’t all have Samantha Jones’ confidence. Just a thought.

Bella the Boxer Tissues? Check. Pet to cuddle? Check. If anyone else tuned into last months episode of The Supervet, then along with the whole nation, you obviously fell in love and had your heart broken, all within 60 minutes. Noel (the Super-Fit-Vet) is someone I honestly believe could run for Prime Minister; the guy is a bloody genius. Bella was treated for a new stem cell scaffolding technology as a last possibility of life, but unfortunately Noel’s magic hands were unsuccessful. Now, I should mention that programmes such as this aren’t my forte. I once cried because the sweet corn in the cupboard wasn’t Green Giant. The amount of tears I shed watching this particular episode could have refilled the Thames twice over. So, this ones for Bella. The pooch who left us all with exceedingly heavy hearts.

June 7th

7 Day FREE Trial Visit: www.bootcampit.com Page 10

My mum’s birthday. I always feel the need to be a bit ‘extra’ over-the-top (excessive, dramatic), what with covering the house with balloons, banners, flowers etc. Not great for the hay fever, I must say, but (favourite) daughter duty calls. Happy birthday, mum. xx

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 248_The Edge 172.qxd 24/05/2017 14:59 Page 11

Do any of you watch those Joanna Lumley Postcard things? The Edge doesn’t. Which you might think is a bit odd, on account of it being partial to a bit of overseas travel. Fact is, she grates on me a bit. All that damn whispering that she does. “Speak up, woman! We can’t bloody hear you.” She’s not bad for 71 though, we’ll give her that. But The Edge is old school. It remembers the days when Cliff Michelmore used to introduce holiday programmes to the likes of Benidorm, whilst Frank and Nesta Bough might go off on a driving tour of Sicily, if they were lucky. You can keep Judith Chalmers, but Anne Gregg was lovely. And then, of course, there was the delightful and sorely missed Jill Dando. Lumley’s not fit to peel the skin off their bananas. Oh, she’ll soon become one of those national treasures, no doubt. If she isn’t one already. Along with the likes of the Queen Mum, Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, Liz Smith etc. But let’s face it, Lumley peaked playing Purdey in The New Avengers during the mid-seventies. Patsy Stone in AbFab? Pagh. So what The Edge says is: “STOP BLOODY WHISPERING ALL THE TIME, LUMLEY.”

www.theedgemag.co.uk

You can’t have guilty pleasures all of the time, as they then become the norm. So, readers, what are your guilty pleasures (that you can converse openly about)? In Thailand (DOH! I wasn’t going to mention the T-word this month) it was always nice and comforting to have a packet of Oreo biscuits in our ’fridge back in our room (as well as plenty of gin and cans of tonic, I might add). There’s just something about an Oreo biscuit - I can’t describe it, but they’ve just got it. I think the pattern on the chocolate biscuit area might also help as it feels good on the fingertips as well as in the mouth. Another guilty pleasure of mine doesn’t happen very often, but it comes in the form of a portable shack in a layby just off the A303, or the A30, which is the scenic route to Cornwall - past Stonehenge (or ’Enge, as we call it), where the wife’s sister lives. Whenever we go down to see her, which is no more than annually, if that, I do like to nip into the layby (I think it has a flag of St.George flying) and get a nice polystyrene cup of hot Rosy Lea and a 4-bar KitKat. I’m not saying I prefer a KitKat to an Oreo biscuit. It’s all about times and places and I’d say an Oreo biscuit is something you do in private. One lingers over an Oreo biscuit and nibbles it. Where as in a layby, surrounded by truckers, a KitKat and a nice Rosy Lea far more fits the bill.

Here’s someone who irritates the hell out of The Edge. He’s probably a multi-talented guy though, right? And it’s totally irrational not to like him on sight. Shame, because that’s not helping matters so far as The Edge’s stance on this one is concerned. Look at this photo of him below (minus the stupid spectacles, an idea he clearly poached off Elton John, who introduced daft glasses entire decades ago). He looks like a cross between a foot soldier on the Starship Enterprise and Avid Merrion’s half-cousin. He even claimed on Top Gear, when he was ‘A Prick in a Reasonably Priced Car’, that he was starting up his own car company called I.Am.Auto. But The Edge has never seen anyone driving around in one of those. Have you? So is he just full of sh@t, or what? Fact is, it gets harder and harder to become truly original, so has this fella succeeded? The Edge guesses the answer to that question is an emphatic yes, if we were to take a cheeky peek at his bank balance. But will he go down as one of the all time great musicians of recent times, like Rick Astley? Not if the record collection in ‘Edge Towers’ loft is anything to go by.

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The Edge 248_The Edge 172.qxd 24/05/2017 14:59 Page 12

Galvin Green Man crowned ‘Best Pub in Essex’ National Pub & Bar Awards 2017

jÉÉwÄxçËá c|éétá

5pm-8pm

FRIDAY 16th & 30th JUNE

Village Hall car-park, South Street, Great Waltham.

Page 12

Judges from the National Pub & Bar Awards have recently crowned the Michelin-starred Galvin Green Man at Howe Street, Chelmsford, as the county’s top local boozer. The pub was launched last November 2016, by Essexborn chef/brothers Chris and Jeff Galvin. Commenting on the win, co-owner and Chef Patron, Chris Galvin, said: “We’re extremely pleased to have won such a prestigious award. It wouldn’t have been possible without such a fantastic team and all of our amazing customers who have supported us.” The Galvin Green Man will now compete against five other county winners for the best in their region title at the National Pub & Bar Awards grand final at BAFTA London. On the same evening, the overall National Pub & Bar of the Year will also be announced, with 94 county winners in the running. Tristan O’Hana, editor of Pub & Bar magazine, said: “This is an industry that never stands still - the operators of the best pubs know that they have to be at the top of their game 100% of the time. Our 94 county winners are all shining examples of both energy and creativity. They are what makes the pubs and bars of the UK so renowned. My heartfelt congratulations go to all of the finalists involved.” The Galvin Green Man works with locally-sourced seasonal ingredients, whilst the menu concentrates on classic pub dishes of the highest quality, created by Galvin protégé head chef Jack Boast. The bar serves craft ales with a strong emphasis on working in partnership with local craft brewers. Set in 1.5 acres of riverside meadow amidst beautiful countryside, with the River Chelmer running through the bottom of the gardens, the Galvin Green Man is one of the oldest pubs in Essex, dating back some 700 years. The transformation was extensive, with interior and architectural renovation restoring the listed building to its former splendour with the addition of a stunning new main dining room and glass vaulted entrance sitting alongside the original pub, keeping its Great British pub traditions. The pub also boasts an impressive beer garden and four private dining rooms for up to 16 guests, each with their own individual style, created in partnership with local business’ and suppliers in the Chelmsford area.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 248_The Edge 172.qxd 24/05/2017 15:02 Page 13

MEDIGEST

We’ve all seen these, haven’t we, readers? Usually when some ignorant WVM (white van man) numpty comes steaming past us on the inside lane of the A12 before jamming his anchors on, then pulling out immediately in front of us (where there was but a fag paper’s amount of space) into the correct overtaking lane, the sensible, loveable chappies that they oh so clearly aren’t. However, the back’s of their usually disgustingly filthy back doors can sometimes be (semi) amusing, although nine-times-out-of-ten we’ve heard all of their mucky japes before. They usually contain graffiti such as the above, although one variation which The Edge spotted of late simply said...

#Tim’s wife Now I don’t know who Tim is, but his mates at work sure as hell have got a soft spot for his missus. Speaking of the A12 and duel-carriageways/motorways in general, The Edge always finds it amazing when you see a 3ft length of lorry tyre on the hard shoulder, as though an anaconda has shed it’s skin. How the hell does that happen? And does the lorry just carry on going without its driver even noticing, as he stereotypically tucks into a hedgehog sandwich with one arm resting on his open cab window?

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Uniting the fundamental elements of the Private Health Sector in the United Kingdom Medigest is the unique and fresh consumer-focused information portal that covers all aspects of the Private Healthcare & Insurance industry.

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Tel: 0843 289 3181 | www.medigest.uk Email: mail@medigest.uk Kemp House, 152 City Road, London, EC1V 2NX

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The Edge 248_The Edge 172.qxd 24/05/2017 15:02 Page 14

OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE, USE YOUR IMAGINATION, READERS. No, of course this isn’t what the ingenious inflatable bicycle looks like, but if I show it to you on this page, I’d be in breach of copyright and I’ve only recently been stung for that, so I’d rather not go down that route again, if I can help it. Okay, so the blow-up bike has been designed by car maker Ford and the triangular sections A, B and C (see right) are all inflatable so that the seat and the handlebars (which are ‘real’ and detachable) come off and the bike pretty much folds in half so that it can be easily stored in the boot of your car. How clever is that?

The Edge thinks this is truly such a wonderful idea, although we guess you’ve got to at least be a fair weather cyclist to fully appreciate it. Me and Mrs Edge often talk about how nice it would be to go cycling in Suffolk or Kent of a weekend, or even to different parts of Essex.

A B

Yes, I know you see rail commuters with fold-up bikes, but they’ve always got TLW (titchy likkle wheels) and are apparently quite heavy. But what Ford have designed is far more of a mountain bike, which is what proper cyclists are interested in (i.e. instead of looking like a nerd). The steering column, the wheels and the frames leading to the wheels remain rigid (like what you see on a normal bicycle), it’s just the main triangular part of the frame that is inflatable. What’s more, the triangular body is made of a material called Kevlar (wait for it) which is the same stuff that’s used to make bulletproof vests, so naturally it’s strong enough to stop the inflatable sections from being punctured - although since when does the frame come into contact with the road?

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But the single reason we don’t is the sheer faff of having to put the roofbars on the car, then attaching the bicycle holders onto them, then hoisting the bikes up, before reversing the whole process when you get back home. Unless you leave such paraphernalia mounted onto your car roof at all times (which creates drag and decreases your fuel consumption), it’s just really difficult to be arsed to do it, particularly for a day trip.

and wheels are all the same as you would expect to find on a conventional bicycle. Word has it that these ingenious bicycles are not yet in the production stage, although plans have been filed for a patent, and there are also suggestions that an electric motor could be fitted to take some of the strain out of riding up hills - which is what Mrs Edge keeps harping on about these days. Speaking of which, the uphill from the direction of Ingatestone to Galleywood Common is a killer, isn’t it? Not to mention the bugger that goes from Papermill Lock up towards Danbury. In recent years, Ford - far more famous for four wheels, as opposed to just two have been trying to develop alternative modes of transport that can help people travel ‘the last mile’ where cars cannot take them (or where it’s far too expensive to take your motor). In 2015, it revealed designs for a collapsible bike made from parts of the car (forget about the ashtray), yet this latest idea is far stronger and avoids the need for owners having to canibalise their own vehicles in order to go for a ride. Ford reckon that finding alternatives for people who live in cities is a major area of their ongoing research, and The Edge reckons their inflatable bicycle idea is an absolute cream cracker.

Each section of inflatable tubing is connected by valves which allows the air to pass between them, whilst the seat, handlebars, pedals, chain

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Difficult Jazz The 2017 Writtle Jazz & Blues Festival is coming our way yet again this year, folks, and it all kicks-off on Writtle Green at 12-noon sharp until 9:00pm on Sunday 30th July. After the success of last year’s inaugural event, all of that difficult jazz (“NICE!”) is returning for a second unmissable bout. There are many exciting prospects for this year’s festival, with an enclosure on the green comprising of two music marquees featuring upwards of ten acts, as well as The Wheatsheaf, Rose & Crown and the Village Hall all hosting Jazz and Blues.

Harry Funk will all be returning again this year, along with young rock’n’roll keyboard player Sam Wain who entertained everyone in the courtyard of The Rose and Crown last year. Local Writtle resident and former Edge columnist Mrs Kerry Bates says, “I was at the festival last year and it’s not as if I’m a jazz lover in particular, but it was brilliant. There was such a good atmosphere and it felt as though the whole village had turned out. All ages were present and everyone seemed to be having a really happy time. Was such a memorable day.”

REFRESHMENTS There will be two pop-up bars on the village green, hosted by the Rose & Crown and The Wheatsheaf. Abigail’s Deli & Café (from Ingatestone) will be bringing their culinary delights to the festival, serving teas, coffees, sandwiches and cakes, whilst ‘The Pompous Pig’ will be back with a full barbecue and hog roast available throughout the day and into the evening.

TICKETS & INFORMATION: Chelmsford Civic Theatre 01245 606505

RETURNING AGAIN Jordan Marsh, Reg Webb, Joe Gibson and

NEW EDITIONS TO THE WRITTLE JAZZ & BLUES FESTIVAL Once again, local saxophonist Zak Barrett (right) will be bringing together a wealth of musical talent with many new acts, including Trevor Newnham, The Trevor Taylor quartet, The Marc Cecil quartet (featuring Derek Nash and Neil Angilly) and Nicola Farnon from Sheffield (oop north).

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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With those long, hazy summer evenings hopefully almost upon us, being able to enjoy your garden late into the day can be as important as a balmy sunny afternoon.

and weddings. Now, given a whole new lease of life, they are rapidly becoming the number one household name as the best fire bowl barbecue combo on the market with a range of award winning accessories to match.

create and design quality products that will stand the test of time, as well as minimising our impact upon the environment.

Chelmsford’s Westminster Outdoor Living have the perfect solution to keep the atmosphere going throughout the cooler evenings and well into the night. Classic fire bowls are a perfect solution, creating heat and a stunning focal point to any outdoor environment. Their range of Kadai fire bowls offer a combination of outdoor heating and BBQ options all in one evocative package.

As well as the bowls themselves, Westminster Outdoor Living also stock a number of accessories to complement the outdoor ambiance package. There’s a traditional Romany Gypsy tripod skillet for cooking a whole variety of food, a Cooking Tripod & Bowl for making the perfect chilli or mulled wine, plus a Swing Grill designed as an additional cooking grill, or for simply keeping food warm. There’s even a table top made from recycled hardwood that converts your fire bowl stand into a very useful side table.

These beautiful and functional fire bowls are handcrafted from recycled oil drums at family workshops in India. Hand-cut metal plates are riveted in the traditional way - for strength and durability - and each bowl comes complete with a high stand - which is ideal for barbecuing - as well as a low stand perfect for relaxing around with friends whilst watching the evening embers glow.

Seriously readers, if you’re in the market for an authentic fire bowl to enhance your enjoyment of outdoor living at home this summer, then pop into Westminster Outdoor Living, right opposite Tesco’s Springfield Road branch in Chelmsford, and see the range for yourselves, as this photograph with Damian does not do them adequate justice!

The Kadai Fire Bowl idea was first discovered over 10 years ago in Rajasthan quite by accident on a cold January evening. Previously these fabulous riveted bowls had been used for cooking huge feasts in across India at festivals

Back in 2008, realising the growing potential of the Kadai as a barbecue fire bowl, the manufacturers searched for the original Kadai craftsmen in Rajasthan and re-started their workshops, employing the same skilled artisans from generations of Kadai makers, recreating jobs and keeping the traditional skills alive. The majority of the products are made using recycled materials, mild steel and mango wood. The aim is to

For more information, or to see these amazing fire bowls for yourself, visit Westminster Outdoor Living at 66-72 Springfield Road, Chelmsford, Essex, CM2 6JY. Or call 01245 494600. Open 7 days a week.

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LOVE @ FIRST SIGHT

sn’t she a beauty? When I text pictures of this amazing looking Jobl VW campervan to Scott Mason on The Home Partnership, who owns one of the original VW campervan’s (yes, the ones that keep on breaking down and go as slow as arse) he got it immediately. But when I sent some to Zagger’s Chris Geer, the cheeky bugger accused your editor of being a pikey! Without a shadow of a doubt, this is the campervan for me. And yes, readers, in this exact colour. I’ve always fancied a VW because I don’t want a loo and shower on board. I simply want to be able to drive it, cook in it and kip in it. Oh yes, and watch tele in it too (well, you’ve got to have your home comforts for those all too frequent cold and rainy evenings in Blighty, haven’t you?). So far as I can make out, Jobl of Merseyside buy XXX number of VW T6 Transporters direct from VW and then go about working their magic on ’em. It’s all about design, ergonomics (ooeerrr), functionality, innovation and attention-to-detail....the latter being right up The Edge’s street. I loved the way the rear seats quickly folded down to form a double-bed, yet the surface of the bed is the opposite side of the seats to which get sat on. Then there’s the fact that you need to be able to get in and out of the ’fridge (to get your ice) when you’re sat up in bed watching a movie and you wish to replenish your gin & tonic. That might sound obvious, but there are a helluva lot of campervans on the market where the space simply isn’t functional enough, doesn’t flow, and you can’t even open the ’fridge door when the bed is down. The pop-up roof’s mega-important too because who wants to be stooping about like the Hunchback of Notre Dame? The driver and passenger seats swivel 180-degrees for when you’ve got company in for dinner. There’s also complete thermal insulation (important that, as I’ve never yet been to Scotland). Under-vehicle fresh water storage (handy). Sink with hot & cold running water. Full black-out curtains. In short, the amount of long-weekend camping trips we’ve had totally ruined due to the weather in the likes of Cornwall, Dorset and Wales has become totally disheartening. The weather can be perfect one day, and then the next it’s as if the previous day couldn’t possibly have happened. So the way I see it, a campervan is for people like me who love camping, but who don’t like getting wet and who certainly don’t want a caravan. It’s just a shame that this sexy looking beast (I deffo think it is) costs £50,000 brand new, although you can pick up a good ’un for £35,000 second-hand. So Peterborough was well worth the trip as it’s now given me a carrot to aim for. www.jobldesign.co.uk

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I have to say, I enjoyed reading this book even more than Keane: The Autobiography. I usually read in bed for about halfan-hour at night, before lights out, and it’s been great snuggling up with Roy. Appreciate it’s been ghost written, as not many ex-footballers can put pen to paper (unless they’re signing a deal worth £100,000 per week), but it’s written in exactly the same way that he talks. Short, sharp, straight to the point sentences. Like this:“Sports psychology is useful, but in moderation. The lad who went to the World Cup with the England team, Dr Steve Peters, wrote a book called The Chimp Paradox, about the chimp in your head. The chimp is running the show. I tried to read it, but my chimp wouldn’t let me.” There’s also great insight into his time managing Sunderland where he won the Championship and promotion to the Premiership at his first time of asking, as well as his brief, ill-fated stay with The Tractor Boys.

This is Carli Lloyd, an American soccer player and perhaps the most famous female footballer on the planet. Does The Edge watch ladies football? Nah. Has The Edge ever watched any ladies volleyball? A little bit. Would The Edge watch women wrestling in custard? Definitely. So straight away you get pigeonholed as being sexist. But that’s hardly fair, is it? Why can’t society sometimes simply let things be? Roy Keane (left) admitted in his second auto that he didn’t like the colours of Ipswich Town and having to wear blue out of the training pitch didn’t sit well with him, even when he was their manager. Wrong appointment in the first place? More than likely. But why can’t we just accept things like that and let stuff be? But we, society, doesn’t, does it? We have to stick a label on things. Namely that The Edge is sexist and Roy Keane was a closet Norwich City fan.

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The Edge is a self-confessed one of ’em, and where’s the harm in that? We don’t have an allegiance to any particular football team, but that doesn’t mean we’re happy with whoever wins the Premiership. This season, Chelsea deserved to win it. And Tottenham Hotspur deserved to be worthy runners-up, because not many people other than Arsenal fans wanted to see them implode like they did at the end of the2015-16 season. Having said that, not many supporters, armchair or otherwise, begrudged Leicester City the greatest fairytales and happiest of endings that I am sure I will never witness the likes of in my lifetime again last year. It was wonderful, extraordinary, magical jumpers for goalposts type stuff. When Brendan Rogers’ Liverpool threw the title away, The Edge was gutted, because they were playing the most exciting stuff in the country at the time, and in Luis Suarez they had one of the deadliest finishers the Premiership is ever likely to see. What a player. Yet for Steven Gerrard to make that untimely slip. And how can anyone laugh at that? Where’s your compassion and decency as a good, sporting human being? Not following one particular team means the blinkers are off and you see what’s both fair and unjust. Therefore, armchair supporters, let us unite with the TV remote-control.

Finishing work at lunchtime on a Friday (P.O.E.T.S. Day) always makes for a cracking start to any weekend, and I recently met me old mucker Lurch/Matt/Length at Chelmsford station just the other Friday and we literally walked onto a train with seconds to spare before its doors closed behind us, which is always the best way to board a train in my book. Destination Liverpool Street and our first port of call, after a brief gander around Old Spitalfields Market, was Williams Ale & Cider House on Artillery Lane, E1, where I had my first most dissatisfying half of real ale of the day. Then we popped into The Bull at Devonshire Row, EC2, only Lurch decided it was far too ‘cock heavy’ in there (i.e. full of men in business suits), so instead we walked in the spittle across London Bridge to my favourite Borough Market watering hole, The Market Porter, where I had my customary pint of Sussex (although it’s high time I stopped being so predictable as it tasted proper average and I really wasn’t after average on a rare trip up to the Old Smoke. I was after frickin’ brilliant). Peckishness then got the better of us, so we each had a tray of Pad Thai from one of the many Borough Market food stalls, this one called Khanom Krok, where I reckon I bored the girl who was serving us with tales of my recent trip to Hua Hin, Thailand - pretty much like I bored all you readers with last month, I expect. Only then Lurch made a proper bad call at approx. 2:45pm and that was to have a beer sat outside The Old Thameside Inn - a bloody Nicholson’s establishment with that poxy replica Golden Hinde thing moored right beside it at

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One of the most disgusting sights The Edge has ever witnessed was that big fat ginger lump John McCririck picking his nose and eating it on Celebrity Big Brother that time. Only he’s not alone. People do do it - yes, adults as well as children - and it’s something that’s always made The Edge want to gag/reach/chunder. But a study has controversially found that snot is great at protecting teeth from the bacteria that causes cavities. Writing in the journal Applied & Environmental Microbiology, researchers say mucus contains proteins called salivary mucins which have a protective effect on the teeth. What’s more, we obviously ingest our own mucus (well, can you seriously imagine swallowing anybody else's?) all the time, every day, day and night. So now experts want to harness these proteins by making synthetic mucus, which they would add to toothpaste and chewing gum, in order to promote good dental health. While toothpaste and mouthwash kill bacteria, mucus prevents the bacteria itself from attaching to the teeth and causing holes in the enamel. According to Ozy.com researchers now want to develop synthetic mucus which they believe could even help protect against respiratory infections and stomach ulcers. Instead of giving people antibiotics, they believe synthetic mucus could be an effective and far less intrusive form of treatment. “This is not necessarily to resolve infections, but to stabilise or prevent infection,” says Katharine Bogey, an assistant professor in the department of biological engineering who co-authored the initial study. Strangely enough, this is not the first time snot has been touted for its supposed health benefits, which is allowing folk to pick their noses in public without being ostracised by the remainder of polite, decent society.

Pickfords Wharf. I have never had a decent pint from this particular pub and this day turned out to be no exception. My Marstons Pedigree tasted as dull as ditchwater. The only saving grace was that we managed to catch a few rays with a view over the Thames of the Cheesegrater, Gherkin and Walkie-Talkie buildings.

A brisk walk to Shoreditch found us taking the stairs up to the rooftop of 333 Mother at 333 Old Street, EC1. Jesus, what a dump and what a naff, mucky-looking rooftop it was with zero ambiance or views. Strange, as it had been recommended to us. But as Lurch succinctly put it, it was: “The Poundland of rooftop terraces”. However, not far away we came up trumps and hit the nail firmly on the head with Boundary Restaurant, Rooms & Rooftop. Up to the fifth floor in an elevator and with cracking views out over the capital, this was far more like it. The prices were a bit steep though (i.e. £11.50

for a Hendricks with Fever Tree tonic and juniper berries), but at least it kept the riff-raff out. I ended up buying a couple, but that was my lot, as I’m a (right tight) northerner after all. Popped into The Golden Heart at Shadwell, E1, only to use their toilet facilities, not to drink (too packed). But guess what? No toilet paper. What sort of an antiquainted establishment are they running there? Likewise, The Water Poet in Folgate Street, E1, a favoured haunt of mine, was as rammed as it always is early on a Friday evening, and I couldn’t poke up with that. So in search of the last droplets of evening sunshine, we stumbled across the rather gracious and tranquil Eastway, EC2, just past Liverpool Street station, where we also bumped into Nicole & Brian from Chelmsford who were having a night out on the town, although not sat outside on the street like me and Lurch preferred. We then caught a chuffer back to Chelmo and went straight to the resplendent top floor bar of Chop Bloc in Greys Brewery Yard where Thanda was busy mixing up his cocktails, as per usual. He even knocked up a brand new Christmas (aghhh, the ‘C’ word, in June) cocktail for me to try that he told me he’d been working on and asked for my opinion. Well, I had to neck it all before I could give him an honest one, didn’t I? Which was to keep working on it, lad. And that was pretty much that. Game over. I’m not one for staying out until the early hours anymore these days, although I did carry on drinking once I’d got home and ended up falling asleep on the settee and not getting properly to bed until 07:00am!

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NOT ALL MEN ARE PAEDOPHILES I read an article last month about a man who took his 13-year-old daughter to Thorpe Park as a birthday treat. It was reported that he booked them into a local Travelodge, but when he returned to reception after moving his car, he was asked to prove his identity. He then had to go onto Facebook to prove that he was the girl’s father, but unbeknownst to him, the manager of the budget hotel had already called the police. Travelodge say they have a responsibility towards protecting children and young people, but seem to have forgotten that, first and foremost, they are a low-cost hotel chain. Thankfully the police used their common sense and instantly recognised that the child was genuinely the man's daughter, but that does not make up for the way Travelodge have acted. It is a sad indictment of society when a man cannot take his daughter away overnight for fear of being classed as a pervert or a paedophile.

MOBILE MADNESS One morning recently I got off the train in London after my daily commute and noticed the lady walking in front on me had dropped her train ticket, yet hadn't noticed. Eager to help, I picked it up and gave it to her.

She was on her mobile phone at the time and reacted angrily towards me when I interrupted her. I thought that was incredibly rude of her, when all I was trying to do was help. Sadly, using a mobile phone when interacting with people seems to be part of modern day life these days. At work, in restaurants, in shops, on days out, everyone is seemingly far more interested in what is on their screens, rather than what is happening in ‘real life’. On a recent trip to a local shop near where I live, I was served by a cashier who tried to carry on his mobile phone conversation whilst serving me. I thought to myself: ‘if you can't take the time to put your phone down for the time it takes you to sell me the goods from your shop, then I don’t want to take the time to shop here any more’. With that I left and took my custom to the shop next door. No doubt mobile phones are great and they have done so much to make our lives easier, but I wonder whether we would all be a little bit happier if we just took 5 minutes out of our day just to be nice and actually speak to one another?

JUMP AROUND A few people at work are into indoor climbing and suggested that I give it a go. To be honest, I couldn't really be bothered to travel to East London

to climb a fake rock, so I politely declined their invitation. A few weeks later, I was flicking through Facebook and noticed a place called Jump Street in Chelmsford had opened up. I had heard of it before - as the place to go for trampolining - but I hadn't appreciated the wide range of activities they have to offer there. One of which, it turns out, is indoor climbing. Given my colleagues’ enthusiasm for vertical challenges, I decided to give it a go to see what all the fuss was about. Only what I hadn't really appreciated is that the centre isn't really pitched at 30-odd-yearold men, so me and my army mate (who I dragged along with me for the day) looked somewhat out of place as we were surrounded by a whole load of eleven year olds! It was like that scene out of ‘Only Fools and Horses’ where Rodney wins a free holiday, but ends up in the ‘Groovy Gang’ as a result of one of Del Boys schemes. Undeterred, we agreed that we would still give it a go and I am pleased that we did, because it was great fun. There are large number of climbing walls and all sorts of different challenges in order to test yourself. A week or so later, I returned to Jump Street with my 15 month old daughter and took her to a special session they hold on the trampolines

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JUMP AROUND In 2008 Amazon made a pledge to reduce the amount of packaging it uses (‘Frustration Free Packaging’). It’s now 2017 and very little appears to have been done by them to address this issue. Last week I ordered some toothpaste and I am not exaggerating when I say that the box it arrived in was big enough to move a small two-bedroom house. The UK produces up to 12.5 million tonnes of cardboard waste each year and it is about time that big retailers, such as Amazon, took responsible steps to help reduce this.

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ONLY JOKING! STEAMING RAGE

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What’s going on, Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "What going on?” repeats Paddy. “I'll tell you what’s going on. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. So I get home, only guess what I found? Your daughter in my bed with Joe Murphy. It’s unforgivable. The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving her." "Ah now, Paddy, calm down, calm down," says his mother-in-law. "There’s something very odd going on here. My Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. Wait here and let me go speak to her and find out what this is all about." Soon enough, Paddy’s mother-in-law returns from upstairs with a big smile on her face. "Y’see, Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation for all this. Jean’s just told me she never received your email.”

LEXI This is Lexi, an 8 week old German Shepherd. I bought her as a surprise for the wife, but it turns out she’s allergic to dogs, so we are now looking to find her a new home. She’s 45 years old, a loving and caring woman who can drive, is a great cook and keeps a spotless house.

DEVASTATED After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in his chosen profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant young vet.

TERESA A son says to his Dad "Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?" Dad says, "It's because your mum loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter." "I understand now. Thanks, Dad", says his son. Dad replies, "That's okay, Alan."

SPAGHETTI For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. Then one night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation, or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support up until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep matters discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, roughly 9 months later, he came home from work to his very confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange postcard today.” “Ah, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,” he said. His wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce!

PANCAKES A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin (5) and Ryan (3). The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say: Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.” So Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communication was on a cellular ’phone. He yelled, “Mayday! Mayday! The pilot has had a heart attack. I grabbed his cell ’phone out of his top pocket and he managed to tell me he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000ft and traveling at 180mph. What the hell do I do?” The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. “Calm down. We acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few quick questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm.” He then began his series of questions: Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000ft?” Aircraft: “I can see it on the Altimeter dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, that’s good. Remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?” Aircraft: “I can see it on the Airspeed dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, good so far. But the weather is heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?” Aircraft: “Because I’ve shit myself and it’s running out of my shirt collar.”

FIRST ONE I found my first grey pubic hair today. It was in a kebab.

SOUTHEND SEAFRONT I was walking along the seafront at Southend with the wife. I stopped and looked up to admire the lovely blue sky, when all of a sudden a seagull swooped down and shat on my face. It splattered on my eye and ran down my cheek and onto my shirt. The wife pulled a tissue from her handbag. I said, "Don't be bloody stupid, woman. It'll be miles away by now."

TALKING DOG FOR SALE A man sees a sign outside a house that reads: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. So he rings the door bell, the owner appears and ushers the man into the back garden, whereupon the man sees a very nice looking black Labrador Retriever sitting there good as gold. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Sure do!” the labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So tell me your story?" The labrador looks up at the man and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. “I was one of their most valuable assets for five years, but all that jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. So I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering around near suspicious looking characters and listening in to what they had to say. I uncovered some incredible deals and was awarded several medals. “Then I eventually got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man was amazed. So he went back into the house and asked the owner how much he wanted for the dog. "Ten quid." The owner said. "£10?” the man said. “But your dog is absolutely amazing. Why on earth would you want to sell him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying little swine,” said the man. “He's never been out of the garden."

FLAMINGO IMPRESSION The wife’s getting angry at me because I won't stop doing my flamingo impression. So I've had to put my foot down...

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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Hugh Grant is presumed to be playing disgraced former Liberal leader Jeremy Thorpe in a forthcoming three-part BBC adaptation of A Very English Scandal by Dr Who writer Russell T. Davies - and if all goes ahead according to script, The Edge cannot wait to see it. I remember the Thorpe scandal like it was yesterday. The drama will chronicle the downfall of JT, who was cleared in 1979 of conspiring to murder a gay chap with a dodgy top lip called Norman Scott, in order to try and cover up the affair the two of them had secretly been having together. Thorpe was hounded by the media whilst sporting a disgusting beige flasher mac with the belt firmly fastened around his middle, along with customary pipe in mouth. Can’t wait to see Hugh Grant in that get up. Of course, Hugh knows a thing or two about being hounded by the press, after his infamous Divine Brown episode on Sunset Strip. Well actually, I think you’ll find that he is. Yep, Ed Sheeran (26) recently posed naked for some painters & decorators at his home in Suffolk (The Edge didn’t know ‘Ole GB’ lives just down tut road in tut next county along from ours, readers, did you?) and as a result, a 4ft x 4ft canvas was knocked up and is appearing in the National Portrait Gallery after a 3hr sitting. The Northern Irish artist, whose name is irrelevant, said, “When I’m painting a portrait, as I await for the pubs to open, I am looking for the moment when the person is almost unaware of my being there.” What a load of bollox, eh, readers? I’m sure if I was sitting there with me Jackson Pollock’s hang-

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

ing out, I’d be exceedingly aware of every single second that the decorators were in the room with me. As it happens, said artist is obviously no mug as he’s also painted Brad Pitt and Sir Kenneth Branagh, although The Edge can’t rightly say whether they got their spuds out or not, or whether it was just Ed who insisted upon it, even though he was only having his portrait painted, the ginger perv.

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More than half of us Brits no longer live where we grew up, but typically live approx. 100 miles away. This is a big contrast where our parents are concerned, who are likely to still live within five miles of where they were born, a recent poll has discovered. Some chap from the family tree website Ancestry says, “Immigration seems to be the watchword on everyone’s lips these days, but lesser speculated upon is the fascinating trend (fascinating???) of people moving around within their own country, which has seen a huge increase within the UK over the past few decades.”

from his birthplace in Lancashire). Greater London has the highest share of peeps born elsewhere in the country (see evidence below), followed by Lancashire, Kent and

In order to capture the scintillating shot on page 6 this month, The Edge had to fly out to the Sichuan, Shaanxi and Gansu provinces in the mountainous regions of central China and shake a few bamboo shoots. Natural habitat loss is the most serious threat to the panda population, so it’s good to see the birth of a brand new one, although it’s mother does look as though she could do with a few hot dinners. A fully grown giant panda is far too formidable a foe for most predators, although some animals can prey on their cubs and clearly don’t find them as cutey-wutey as what we do. Long live the panda.

Essex. But London also loses a big population of its homegrown cockerknees to other parts of the country - only Bonnie Scotland sees more natives move away. The decline of manufacturing industries that employ a large workforce has contributed to people moving further afield to find jobs, with cities being a magnet for those prepared to uproot. Some 21% of those who move do so for work, fol-

More than half (well, 51% is over half, isn’t it, by one stingy per cent?) of those quizzed in The Three Tuns oop in Osmotherley on the North Yorkshire Moors live in a different part of Britain to where they were born, with the average distance being 00.19 miles away (for the record, your editor has ended up 221.1 miles away

lowed by 13% who move for a better quality of life (Braintree, anyone?). Six per cent end up settling where they went to university, the Ancestry survey of 2,000 adults discovered, while not many people down south were all that impressed with Barnsley*. (*Hashtag talking bollocks) I don’t know about you, readers, but I’d like to think I’ve got another move left in me afore I croak, only I very much doubt it’ll be in Britain. The Edge thinks it’s brilliant what regular columnist Steve Ward has done (see facing page). He’s a bone fide Green Card carrying Yankie these days.

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immediate ancestors died. There is a good argument that everyone who puts himself or herself forward for political office should be forced to make a visit to one of the many war cemeteries that exist in western France. There they will see the acres upon acres of white grave markers. It’s a salutary experience that starkly brings home what happens when nationalists gain power, or a populace allows itself to be subjugated by so called ‘strong’ leaders.

As you pick up this edition of The Edge, yet another general election is about to happen. Let’s start with a look at a one of Labour’s promises. It’s one that will get 100% backing no matter which party you end up voting for. Labour has pledged that, should the incredibly unlikely happen and Jezza Corbyn ends up dangling not just the keys to his allotment shed, but to Number 10 as well, the UK will get an extra four Bank Holidays a year. Over here, in divided and hate filled Trumpland, the number of Public Holidays is eleven. In France they have fifteen. Spain enjoys at least twelve, and up to twenty, depending on where you live. Even workaholic Germany has a minimum of nine. The UK? Eight. We have just celebrated one of those US federal holidays Memorial Day. It exists to honor all those that have made the ultimate sacrifice and died in the various armed conflicts since the American Civil War. In the UK, of course, it’s Remembrance Sunday that, give or take, does the same thing. The last man that fought in WW1 is now gone. Even those that fought in WW2 are dwindling in numbers. My generation - the baby boomers, the lucky ones, call us what you will - thankfully have never had to fight a war. But our grandparents did in 1914-18 and our parents were around for the 1939-45 shindig. My generation still respects Remembrance Sunday. We have heard the tales of sacrifice and horror not from books or TV, but from people that were there. It has a personal resonance. Relatives died and we have photos of them. It is a personal hope that my generation will pass on to

those coming later that same deep seated respect. Sure, it’s history now, but it’s history that made huge changes for the better to the way the world we live in now is organised and managed. My generation, and those coming after, have led safe and secure lives because of the men and women that fought to allow it. Hold that thought for a moment. The two world wars had different drivers. WW1 was, to a large degree, nationalism getting out of hand. Clearly a major objective of WW2 was the preservation of democracy over dictatorship. A battle to allow every citizen to have a say in the way his or her country was run, instead of being subjected to rule by the whim of a ‘strong’ all powerful individual. Voters in both the UK and over here in the US have upset the applecart in spectacular fashion in the last twelve months. It’s as if the values of freedom and democracy for the common man that my generation’s parents and grandparents fought for have been forgotten. The lurch towards authoritarian leaders like Trump and May clearly has its attraction to a certain type of person who is ignorant of, or at least uncaring of, the reasons vast numbers of our

Inevitably, the popularity of strong leaders starts to flag after a while and the tried and tested remedy is to have a war. This has the double benefit of uniting a nation in patriotism (‘the last refuse of the scoundrel’ to quote someone or other) and also showing what a big willy the leader has. The Falklands War is a perfect example of two authoritarians with waning support at home thinking a few thousand dead bodies would regain the adoration of their people. As we now know, Thatcher proved to have a bigger willy than Galtieri. But lots of people died on both sides to confirm it. This was not meant to be a political broadcast on behalf of any particular party, just a plea to each and every voter going to put a cross in a box on June 8th. That plea is that you think beyond the shallow promises of more bank holidays, fantasy amounts for the NHS, and Brexit, and instead consider if the person you are endorsing is actually a democrat (small ‘d’) of whom your dead ancestors would approve. Evidence suggests there is one party that cares not one jot for democracy, as long as their leader is strong and stable and can rule us like a medieval monarch ad infinitum, because it is ‘the will of the people’. Not this person’s, it isn’t.

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KINGPIN GOES HOB-NOBBING The other evening found me somewhat out of my comfort zone as I was invited to dine at the East India Club in London. Formed in the 19th century and located a stone’s throw from Buckingham Palace, the East India Club is one of those places where you become a member based on things like what boarding school you were bullied at as a child, your family name, or the obscene amount of money you have. I should make two things quite clear: Firstly, the East India Club isn’t the sort of place I would normally choose to frequent as a jeans and T-shirt/pint of ale sort of bloke. Secondly, and probably more importantly, it’s the sort of place that usually wouldn’t let me set foot on its deep shagpile carpets in a million years. However, I was lucky enough to be invited there for dinner with my girlfriend and her step-father who is a member and stays at the club whenever he’s in England, and there was no way I was about to miss out on an opportunity to hob-nob with the well-to-do and stuff my fat face with a three-course dinner. As a rule, I don’t like exclusive places or institutions as I find anything elitist and exclusionary to be rather distasteful, but I’d be lying if I said places like this didn’t fascinate me, particularly a place with ties to the (in)famous East India Company and a building so steeped in history. The building was also used in the excellent BBC1 drama ‘Taboo’, starring Tom Hardy, and I had to keep fighting a childish urge to crook my finger at the waiter and growling, “I have a use for you” all night long. I was actually a trifle nervous as well, if I’m honest. I wore my best suit and trimmed my beard and looked about as smart as it’s physically possible for me to look, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone there somehow knew that the club had let in one of the oiks for a night. The staff were faultlessly polite and the one older gentleman member I spoke to (resplendent in one of those striped blazers that posh people wear) was friendly and welcoming, so it might have been all in my head, perhaps. Even so, everyone there had a certain ‘look’ about them, with their clothes obviously being more expensive and better tailored, and they certainly spoke a lot better than I do, so I think I can be forgiven for feeling a little out of place. While I may have felt a tad uncomfortable to begin with, I thoroughly enjoyed the night (assisted by the extremely strong G&T they furnished me with upon our arrival) and by the time we made our way downstairs to the dining room, I felt perfectly at

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports home and relaxed. The East India Club is pretty much everything you’d expect one of those places to be. Not so much opulent as it is traditional, perhaps even a little old fashioned. The walls are all adorned with portraits of Admiral Thingamybob and Lord Whatshisface, artifacts from the great warships of yore (the club has a strong naval tradition, after all) and the various crests of the public schools associated with it. The décor ran to paneled walls, deep leather armchairs and a library room full of leather bound tomes that have probably never been opened.

They’re all Beano annuals actually

The dining room was a sea of pinstripe-suited silver foxes, huge and perfectly cooked cuts of beef and salmon being carved at the tables, plus an efficient swarm of waiting staff keeping it all ticking over. The food was excellent and I thoroughly enjoyed my honeyed breast of Barbary Duck washed down by a very agreeable red wine and finished off with a large slab of Black Forest Gateaux (I told you I was an oik). At this point, I wasn’t quite so relaxed and began wishing that the dress code allowed for trousers with an elasticated waistband. While the club isn’t the sort of place I’d rush back to (and I’m sure they’d

The East India Club Page 26

truly love to have me there again), I did really enjoy it. I think it’s always good to try new things and go to places you wouldn’t normally go to, so I’m really pleased I had the opportunity to experience it. What I wasn’t so pleased about was the trains being cancelled on the way home and not getting to bed until 2.00am on a school-night. I’ll take the Bentley next time.

Way to go, Jezza For the first time I can recall there seems to be a politician with actual integrity, one who genuinely cares about trying to make things better for people, particularly those who are struggling. I know he’s a divisive figure, but I think that’s a good thing. Anyone who’s putting the wind up the lop-sided status quo is definitely okay in my book. Could Labour’s radical reforms be pipe dreams? Of course they could. Could they get into power and then backtrack on most of their promises? They wouldn’t be the first party to do that. But without sounding melodramatic, I really believe there’s a chance that Corbyn would actually do his best to deliver on his promises. I honestly think we need to be a bit radical at the moment. We need someone to dream big, to not just shake up the system, but turn it on its head and, where necessary, tear

STRONG & STABLE By the time you read this, the 2017 general election will be imminent. Actually, by the time you read this, you might already have voted, so instead of reading this, go and have a cuppa or something, because you’ll deserve it. This may surprise, or even dismay some of you, but at the tender age of 42, this will be the very first election I’ve ever voted in. When I came of voting age, the honest answer was that I just didn’t care. I was far more interested in booze and boobs and generally making a fool of myself, as you do at that time of life. Then when I did become more interested, I just couldn’t find anyone I actually wanted to vote for. I actually like a lot of the Green’s and the Lib Dem’s policies, but let’s be honest, either of those is a protest vote at best. I honestly don’t think I could ever bring myself to vote Conservative and for a long time Labour were just Diet Tory anyway, so I simply never

I like a lot of the LibDem policies bothered. So this June I will be voting for the very first time, and the reason for that? Jeremy Corbyn.

Kim Jong-May

parts of it apart. I genuinely hope the voting public can look past Brexit on 8th June. Yes, it’s hugely important, but there’s far more at stake than that. Kim Jong-May (as the Guardian called her in a recent fantastic article) can bleat “strong and stable” all she likes, but it won’t make an iota of difference in the negotiations. The EU27 couldn’t care less if we had King Kong and Godzilla giving us strong and stable leadership, because the deal we get from them will remain the same. It’s how we respond to that that’s the important thing. Do we want a ‘Deal or No Deal’ policy? Do we want someone who’ll just slam the door shut on the EU? Or do we want someone who’ll keep negotiating without sabre-rattling and posturing, maybe for once giving us what we need, rather than what we think we want? Come 8th June, I know exactly what style of leadership I’ll be casting my first vote for.

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What about that dramatic rescue story of the Scottish surfer who was swept 13 miles out to see after frolicking about on his board off the coast of Arbroath. Thirty-two frickin’ hours he clung onto that board, and that was most certainly a ‘life or death’ situation, make no tatties’n’gravy aboot that the noo. He was drifting towards Northern Island, for feck’s sake, yet he only went out for a Sunday morning paddle (although honestly, why would you, in Scotland, in freezing cold temperatures at the best of times). Naturally this daft-as-a-brush 22-yearold was hypothermic when rescuers eventually spotted him from their chopper. The Edge is only surprised, but mightily thankful, he was discovered alive at all. Can you imagine what was going through his mind? Could he even see land (perhaps in the distance)? Makes no odds as there was no way he was ever going to get there alive, by the sounds of his awful predicament. Do you reckon he must have gone, “Oh sh@t, I reckon I’ve made a bit of a boo-boo.” Some news stories give you the willies and this one grabbed The Edge by the goolies, because I can relate to it, even if only ever so slightly. You see once, readers, I got stung by something that was under the water in a right deep (I could tell it was right deep, I just could) harbour somewhere off the coast Majorca, and even though there were loads of boats bobbing about that were anchored up, if whatever it was had have paralysed me, that would have been it. I’d have sank to the bottom like a stone. Then there was another time in Sri Lanka when I started drifting out to sea (a bit) on a bellyboard, but because my right shoulder is now pretty much buggered, there was no way I could fight the tide and front crawl it back to the shore. So I feel as though I’ve a certain empathy with young Jocky McSporran’s plight and I’m glad he’s lived to surf another day.

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Let’s face it, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. But what I particularly liked about the series is it made me remember tunes I’d all but forgotten. REO Speedwagon’s Can’t Fight This Feeling was mentioned in last months Bizarre News section, Max Headroom having heard it on Car Share. But what about the Crash Test Dummies classic Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm (1993) from their God Shuffled His Dummies album. Is that not one of the greatest tracks of all time? Christ knows what it’s about? The lyrics are total bullshit; maybe they were penned on a fag packet whilst someone was tripping out, or something rock’n’roll like that? Because you surely can’t write this when you’re sane: “And when they went to their church, they shook and lurched all over the church floor, he couldn’t quite explain it, they’d always just gone there....” Eh? WTF. To be honest though, I’ve never been big on lyrics, so often naff and nonsensical as they might be, they rarely lessen the pleasure a good tune gives me one iota, because it’s all about the melody. There’s pain in Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm and I’m drawn to it. In fact, it’s probably why I like Bon Iver so much. So, no more Car Share. Peter Kay has said he doesn’t want to go and spoil a good thing by making one series too many. Clever boy.

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What an icon. A man amongst men. A sailor amongst sailors who first appeared in a comic strip way back in 1929 (even before chicken paste - see left). It’s great how his right eye seems always to be permanently closed and his forearms are bigger than his biceps. Originally, Popeye got his strength by rubbing his head on a Whiffle Hen (look it up), changing to spinach in 1932. Popeye’s iconic pipe has also served as a cutting torch, jet engine, propeller, periscope, and of course, a whistle with which he produces his trademark toot. He also, upon occasion, has been known to eat spinach through his pipe, sometimes even sucking in the can along with all its contents, although he seldom seems to use it in order to smoke tobacco. Popeye’s exploits are regularly enhanced by the love-triangle that involves himself, Olive Oyl and Bluto, and the latter’s endless machinations to claim Ms Oyl at the sailor’s expense. Another is his near-saintly perseverance in overcoming any obstacle in order to please Olive, who often renounces Popeye for Bluto’s dime-store advances. She is the only character whom Popeye will permit to give him a good thumping, which is as it should be, as every gentleman knows. Popeye’s theme song - ‘I’m Popeye The Sailor Man’ - was composed in 1933 and is the best song ever written, bar none. ‘Popeye - the movie’ was released in 1980, starring Robin Williams in the title role, Shelley Duvall as Olive and Paul L. Smith as Bluto. It was shot almost exclusively at Popeye Village in Malta, which I, Max Headroom, am privileged to have visited. Ranked #20 of ‘50 Greatest Cartoon Characters of All Time’. Page 28

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MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus THE SICKIE

We are all used to hearing, or reading, that today is national something or other day. This being the June Edge, I note there are no less than twenty nine ‘days’ recognising something (or other) this month. These include National Doughnut Day (1st) - winner - Go fishing day (18th) - yes, please Fresh Veggies day (16th) - may as well leave the country - but return once again (22nd) for National Chocolate Eclair day. And so it goes on. Looking at a calendar for this type of nonsense, it seems that there is a light hearted day for almost every day of the year, and that is without genuinely important and meaningful days of a more sombre and purposeful tone. But it was back in February, when an article I happened to glance at whilst perusing the news on-line whilst having my ‘deskfast’ of toast and marmalade at work, that really prompted this article. It is entirely possible that many of these crucial national days pass us by as we go about our daily business, unless, of course, it happens to be national sausage day, when I expect the nation to stand proud with their banger! However, on 6th February you could well have participated in such a national day and not even known it, although given its full commitment, as you lay on the sofa, underneath a blanket, watching the saintly Kirsty Allsop on daytime TV... because 6th February was National Sickie Day. This is a day that is quietly growing in importance and if one of our more craven politicians ever gets a whiff, they will probably try and weave it into their manifesto prior to the elections: ”We, in the Tweed Party, want all skiving gits who vote for us to know that we are right behind them, blah, blah...” Recent government figures show that more than 130 million days are being lost annually to sickness absence, costing the economy £100 billion a year. Estimates are that sick days cost the average UK business £120,000. We have to be honest and say that there are an awful lot of genuine reasons to be sick and off work for a day or two and most bosses understand that. In balance, there are even more folk who are ‘swinging the lead’ and ‘throwing a sickie’ for whatever reasons best known to them. An old boss of mine always took the view that all sickie days were fake and totally for skiving purposes. Even when limbs were falling off and there were bandages aplenty, he would still assume your time off was about catching up on 25 episodes of ‘Breaking Bad’ - you know who you are, Jamie.

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The digital world has changed a lot of the requirements of the sickie day. A constant is the dodgy ’phone call to work. One needs to get the voice nice and croaky and drop it an octave or two, unless you’ve had a groin op, in which case it needs to go go up an octave or ten. Clarity of speech is not appropriate when ringing in your intention to go to the coast for the day, oops, I mean ‘remain in bed’, as you are naturally far too weak to travel. And keep it brief so as not to raise the risk of returning to your normal voice by mistake. After which the key changes for the modern age come into play. Switch off your Facebook locater. Yes, non-Facebook users, there is a gizmo that tells all your friends where you are. In fact, to the exact spot on a street. Because nothing is a bigger giveaway than claiming that you’re stuck on the white throne of doom when Facebook sends a message to your 500 ‘friends’ saying: “The Mott has just arrived safety at Tweedstone-upon-Sea”. Quickly followed by: “Motty is now in The Edge & Ferret public house”. There is also the dead giveaway tan. A true, bona fide sickie day naturally requires one to turn up the next day looking sickly and pale, not the colour of the average TOWIE cast member. Factor-50 is the rule of thumb for a sickie day spent lounging in the sun. In short, enjoy the currant bun, but don’t get a tan. And no hangovers either, as that’s just asking for trouble. Of course, if you do go to the one day cricket, footie match, rugby etc., then don’t forget the false nose, moustache and glasses, as many have been found out and spotted by eagle eyed bosses on the ten o’clock news. As I write, I am also going through my check-list to make sure the day goes to plan and that we can get the best from this ‘unexpected’ opportunity. It is imperative to get it right. One needs to be certain you have everything before leaving the house; Factor-50, disguise kit, Facebook turned off... You ain’t seen me, right? Yours aye,

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TOTALLY TRACIE CHELMSFORD IS FAST BECOMING A GHOST TOWN Every good girl deserves treats. You know the sort of thing - a cream doughnut slipped into the supermarket trolley as a reward for a threehour decluttering session. A little black dress to join the other ten LBD’s nestling at the back of the wardrobe, slipped onto the credit card so that hopefully ‘Him Indoors’ won’t notice. Over the years I've become quite masterful at hiding my purchases. Every time he says, “Is that new?” I say, “What, this old thing? I’ve had it ages. Surely you remember me wearing it at your sister's birthday? No? See, you never take any notice of what I wear.” Followed by my pulling an extra long face. It works every time. My little secret has, over the years, become quite an accomplishment. If only the Secret Service knew of my talents, Enid Blyton would be bashing my door down. I can even sneak two pairs of shoes, a handbag, a coat and three dresses out of the car, up the stairs and into my wardrobe before he even notices I’m home. Take the other week. I crept out of the office during my lunch break on payday. Oh I just love payday. For an hour or so I always feel really good. So out I went into Chelmsford's all new Bond Street to try and satisfy my urge to spend, but it was deserted. Not a soul anywhere, except for a man playing an accordion. Have you noticed that since we voted for Brexit the number of accordion players that are suddenly appearing on street corners? But enough about accordions and Brexit. So there I was, looking for something to purchase, only there was nothing. “Nothing?” I hear you say. But it’s true. And what's more, there was no-one else about doing any shopping either. I guess for once, the sun was out, it was payday and Bond Street was practically empty. Which leads me to query, has Bond Street peaked already? Can it be true that ‘Canny Chelmsfordians’ are holding on tightly to their dosh, even more so than The Edge Editor? (Word has it the last time anyone saw him draw a score out of his pocked was circa 2007!)

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Some of you may recall, a dozen or so years ago, a branch of Waitrose opening up in town. Local folk rejoiced at first, because at last civilisation appeared to have come to Chelmsford. But as soon as people clocked the eye watering prices, they realised they were not prepared to pay such a premium for their grub, and Waitrose closed. It was a sad day. It was as though nighttime had fallen permanently on Chelmsford. Of course, Waitrose planned a come back last year, but it hasn’t happened. So what do Waitrose know that perhaps the rest of us don't? I love Chelmsford. It’s been my home town for over 30 years. I've seen it change so much. All the little independent retailers have virtually gone now, naturally being replaced by big High Street chain stores. And that's what’s wrong with shopping these days. The fun’s gone out of it. You can go to any shopping centre in the country and they’re all virtually the same. Shopping in the High Street has completely lost its soul. So I was not one bit surprised to learn this week that a whopping 6 out of 10 people now shop online. I must confess, I love a bit of online shopping myself. The only problem is, where I work, they do not allow ‘personal parcels’ to be delivered and ‘Him Indoors’ always gets home before I do, so the problem of hiding my purchases weighs heavily on my mind. But online choice is so much better than retail shops seem to offer nowadays. So perhaps there’s a business venture to be had? Someone should surely set up a business that caters for women, like myself, in exactly the same predicament. Hidemypurchases.com Now there's a thought!

SPEND A PENNY The Public Toilets in Chelmsford make me laugh - that’s if you can dodge the unsavory types who regularly seem to congregate around them, usually already drunk as lords at 9.00am in the morning. Once you get past all that, the toilets are an institution. They are always extremely clean and bright. But whoever thought to put those ‘fairground mirrors’ in the ladies loo? It could only have been a man, because no woman ever wants to see herself 3ft tall and 6ft wide! Do any of you remember that little old lady who used to sit in a room in the toilets, cooking a fry-up on her little primus stove and knitting in between nipping out to clean the loos? Those were the days, long before political correctness ever kicked in. Looking back, she must have had quite a strong stomach. Sadly long gone are the days when women staffed the ladies loos, to ensure no man ever crossed the threshold, lest he be belted black and blue with a mop. In an age of cost cutting and the growing need for ‘Non Binary Gender Loos’ - Unisex loos seem to be springing up everywhere and I hate them. Because we women need to go to the loos in pairs, to talk about men and exchange gossip. So it’s a really sad day when we can't even enjoy that little luxury any more.

Tracie123@aol.com

The Edge 248_The Edge 172.qxd 24/05/2017 15:55 Page 31

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