The Edge Magazine July 2013

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 17:39 Page 1

EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 201

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

JULY 2013

la dolce dol vita

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The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 17:39 Page 2

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The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 17:40 Page 3

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The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 18:11 Page 4

The Edge Editor’s Column PARTNER REQUIRED 1+ ,# OK, so it’s?7=4, almost0)>seventeen &07->-: <07=/0<years 1< -0 that The Edge has been established, but the $?-4>-,1<176; ) A-): 5=4<1841-, *A website *=//-:side of matters is....well, not right and it+75814 simply <0)<F; ;1@<--6 )6, ) it’s 0)4.just A-):; F>- *--6 isn’t working.

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Which is where you come in.

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76 <0- *)+3 ?1<07=< 0)>16/ <7 ;<78 )< ->-:A 7<0-: Only let ;<)<176 me make it perfectly clear0)>-6F< that I view ;-:>1+<7 5)3;=:- <0-A .)44-6 this as a genuine opportunity for a?certain 7.. ;75-?0-:)476/ <0413=;-, some<7 one I’m?1<0 far more looking towards having 0)>-who <7 ,7 7=: 7<0-: +:)88A E87:<)*4-F +76a genuine working?01+0 relationship - perhaps even <:)8<176 <016/A <0- ?1.-with 5)6)/-, <7 ;-44 a76partnership - than ever I am seeking an estab- )A <7 ;75=6;=;8-+<16/ +0)8 5=/ lished that merely creates websites. &0-6 company =;- <0- ?7:, E;-@AF 16 <0- >-:A ;)5These days appear absorb media in a ;-6<-6+);people E<7? *):F <0)<F44to0)>;757. A7= whole myriad of different 67 ,7=*< ;+:)<+016/ A7=: ways 0-),;and the numerous choices are 1<F; literally said, -< 5-@84)16 ) <7?staggering. *): ?1<0 ) That ,-<)+0)*4-

it’s a train that has left 70 The Edge behind 0-), 80)441+ *-44 -6, A-)0 -)616/ on <0)<the .7: station platform,)A; and7. that to change <0- 7<0-: <0-needs A-): <0)< 1< 1; 67<fast as there’s a helluva of -);14A catching up to :-9=1:-, ;1584Alot )6, =6+418 1< do.

777770 1< However, on the plus side1<there’s 1; ;7 ,)56 <0- ?)A ;418; 16201 )6,physical 7=< 7. <0issues relevant irreverent /:-);Aworth *4)+3 of 074*-6-)<0 5A :-):material *=58-:to)6, poach from the) backing of The Edge maga1< :-<=:6; <7 and *-16/ +): ?1<07=< )6 =6;1/0<4A <7? zine to publicise going on with the all new *): ); )44 ,-+-6<what’s 57<7:; ):- 16<-6,-, <7 4773 on-line version, if only is someone out:)<0-: #7 1. A7= 0)>- )6 =,1there 7: ) %& )6, A7=F, there who413can see its ) potential can whip 67< 4773 A7= 7?6 +):)>)6and +76<)+< &-;<this baby’s into shape. aim is also the *:775 ass 6/16--:16/ 7. The 74+0-;<-: opportunity to sell advertising space onto the brand new Edge website too.

I figure it’s some sort of ,:1>16/ ‘blog website’ that’s ?); )+<=)44A ,:-),16/ =8 <0-:<7 0)>needed which after it’s been set0), up <7 can then be 1< .1<<-, ); 1< 5-)6< ;75-07?

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07=:; ,:16316/ +7..-- )6, <0- F8)8-:; 7=<;1,- 7;<) 16 <0- ;=6;016DISGUSTING 6 76- 7. <0- ,7?65):3-< <)*471,; <0-:- 0)8 There’s I find807<7/:)80 to be truly disgust8-6-, <7not *-many ) *1/ things 0)4. 8)/7. 0)4. ing, apart6)3-, from a4),1-; couple of +)=/0< my fat, 5A ugly,)<<-6<176 poison) ,7B-6 <0)< ous but this+7>-:16/ I did. <0-1: *:-);<; ?07neighbours, ?-:- )44 ,1;+:--<4A It’s story of some who ?-:put his hand ?1<0the <0-1: ):5; ?014;< bloke <0-1: 4-/; 7*>17=;4A down his<7trousers in <0-1: search of a couple of loose +:7;;-, +7>-: =8 57,-;<A 6A?)A pubic order to sprinkle onto his <0)<F; hairs ?0-:-in<09=7<76 8)/-them+75-; .:75 meal a restaurant to?); attempt to get &0)<in<0):<1+4- ?);in76order )*7=< ?75-6 *-16/ out of settling16the bill. +75.7:<)*4<0-1: 7?6 ;316 Now is 4),1-; just downright 100% 6- that 7. <0?); )/-, 2=;< uncalled ?); for.

F D ) ;1B?1<0 67:3; #0- ;)1, C A *:-);<; <-6, <7 8:757<-DEPRESSION ) 51@-, :-)+<176 16 5-6 #75It;1584A is said/7that retirement the risk of <7 C&7?

D ?014;< increases 7<0-:; )+<=)44A ;--5 depression by up to 40%, so many folk)are .16, <0-5 16<151,)<16/ 6)<=:)44A 0)>.-? clearly time wisely enough. ?7**4Anot *1<;using *=< their F>- 4-):6-, <7 )++-8< <0-5 )6, Having said .--4 that,0)88A there’s no ‘O’ )*7=< or ‘A’ levels for <0-;- ,)A; -67=/0 5A +=:>-; retirement, You just get<=55A there with *>17=;4A is F, there?

413- <7 <76=8 5A )6, no 5A preparation - unless you’ve <01/0; *=< whatsoever 47>- 5A .77, <77 5=+0 F>-spent <:1-, <7

your whole life on the dole/couch - and *-+75=6;-4.+76;+17=; )*7=< 5A ;1B-that’s )6, it; you’re thrust right into it, in at16;<-), the deep end, and ,:-;; <7 -60)6+5A .1/=:7. )4?)A; forced to 01,figure <:A16/ <7 1< Dit all out on your lonesome.

Only I’m <0actually looking to giving retire#7 <0-6 F8)8-: 16>1<-,forward ) +7=847. *473-; )6, ment a crack, because your time’s totally ) +7=847. ?75-6 <7 +755-6< )*7=< <01;your 4),A own, so how bad can that long as you’ve )6, <01; ,7+<7: .-447? ;)1, be, ;0-so 4773-, 0-)4<0A got couple shillings set aside.

Fact413-, is, you’ve )6,a0-: ;316 of ?); /77, -<+ =< ?0)< 57:simply got to learn how to E5)6 fill your time. ?); ) +755-6< .:75 ) best 8:78-: 16 <0;<:--<F <A8- 7. *473- ?07 ;)1, )6, 9=7<- C'7= +7=4, FAVOURITE CHILD /-< 47;< 16 <07;*77*; .7: ,)A; )6, F44 *-< I5)6A knew)it!5)6 A third of all a favourite ?7=4, 413-mums <7 D have =< 0-:+75-; <0child, even4),1-; thoughC many of them profess +:=6+0-: -16/ +76.1,-6< 16 A7=: not 7?6to.

But fact is, 34% of mums and 28% of ;316the 1; )harsh >-:A )<<:)+<1>9=)41<A <7 ) 5)6 D dads have already admitted to preferring one of their children above the others (from 2,200 parents surveyed).

So when are you going to join #7 1<F; ) /7-: <0-6 ’em, hey?1;When are*)+3 you going to come out of &)1<:7;+7516/ <7 0-45;.7:, ?01+0 the closet? 5-)6; <0-:-F; /716/ <7 *- 57:=6,7=*<-,A <:)..1+ +76/-;<176 76 %1+<7:1) "7), <0- 413-; 7.

HOWDY PARDNER! ?01+0 ?- 0)>->-: -@8-:1-6+-, *-.7:However, theF>thought desperately need to $0)63 7, /7< ) I;+77<-: .7: 618816/ 16 )6, leave with this monthA7= is me gaining an<77 7=< 7. you #<:76/4A ;=//-;< 16>-;< 16 76on-line, partner<7for The1< Edge. :-),-:; internet '7=F:- /716/ 6--, It needs to happen.

It has to happen as it’s standing in the way of the progress the mag.0)>- ) 84)A-: 16 <0-1: ;9=), 7::=;1) of7:<5=6, Personally, really 21st +)44-, #>-6I don’t -6,-: ?07understand )6+0-;<-:the1<A ):century, so ).<-: I need to be in cahoots with someone )88):-6<4A who does, and the sooner the better.

And if it’s not you, then consider who you know within your<7family and circle of friends who it #7 0-:-F; <0- 6-@< 1;;=-; )4<07=/0 might be. Please. ;75-07? >-:A 5=+0 ,7=*< 1< Please & + God ) ‘LIKE’ 0 1 The # Edge. " Go) on... )( facebook.com/theedgemagazine ! ))% )' ,# " ' " /$( twitter.com/TheEdgeMag ,.$,, * )' # " " DO IT NOW! For )* Christ’s #*$+,1+ sake, + % LIKE The # Edge " as+ no () bugger -"" * else &+ does. ) +

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The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 18:09 Page 5

DULL ACHE I had cause to make an appointment at the quacks the other day, with what I can only describe as a dull ache in my left testicular region. Not all of the time, but I guess most of the time, and it seemed to vary dependent upon what position I was sitting in (i.e. working in front of a computer, driving, watching telly).

I think when you hit 50 you’re just far more conscious of any little ailment and tend to think the worst (i.e. might have to have the whole left bollock off).

So when the doc says, “And what can I do for you today?” I tell him straight what I’ve just told you, adding: “...but there’s nothing to see or feel.”

So what does he say?

“OK, well slip your trousers down and let’s have a look and a feel.”

With his BARE HANDS too!

I tell you, that was a wake-up call at 9:00am on a Monday morning.

So anyway, apparently, I have nothing to worry of someabout and it could just be a mild case thing or other (honestly, do you ever even know or understand whatever it is your doc tells you?) so he swiftly prescribed me 32 doxycycline capsules to be taken twice per day with water (and thank the good lord that alcohol is permitted with these black, evil looking little plastic buggers).

“But how did I catch it, doc?” I persisted, wondering where my left testicle might have strayed (into a yogurt pot, for instance).

“How do you catch a cold?” he countered.

So hopefully, in two weeks time, my knacker will no longer ache and be completely healed, feeling pretty much like my right testicle which I cannot feel at all, so that’s surely a sign that all is tickety-boo down there.

To get your gonads felt, simply ring your doc....

Breakfast Newsreader Hot on the high heels of this mags feature about the beeb’s Susanna Reid as a nice bit of ‘posh in a frock’ (see May editions), how much of a head turner is Naga Munchetty (38), eh?

Financial journalist Naga (or Munchy as she is known to her fellow newscasters, even though she was actually christened Suda Nagalakshmi, but beeb bigwigs were having none of that) is a proper clever little so-and-so who undoubtedly has a head for figures, yet can also play the Jazz Trumpet and classical piano.

Naga admits that she enjoys grilling the people she interviews “so that viewers always receive the best information possible in order to make qualified decisions about their investments”, blah, blah, etc., etc.

Meanwhile, The Edge just thinks she’s yet another proper little corker who brightens each day and makes you think untoward thoughts.

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Page 5

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 18:19 Page 6

WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...

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I’M NOT MY FAULT MY DAD’S NODDY HOLDER.

“LET’S GET ON IT!” The last Bank Holiday weekend in May was The Edge Crews first camping trip of the year, to Dorset, or course.

What we do is pack the car up on the Friday afternoon - and let me assure you that 4 adults, 2 mountain bikes, 1 tandem plus all of our camping equipment and The Edgemobile is always really, really choca - and then leave at 5:25am the following morning, thus just avoiding the £2 Dartford Bridge cost, h’hey!

It’s then a 3 hour drive, but by 10:00am we had all our gear unpacked, the tent erected and four large glasses of red wine poured to the unanimous toast of: ‘Let’s Get On It!’ And that’s exactly what we did, opening up - and consuming - a whole box of wine (equivalent to 4 bottles, I believe) immediately after that initial bottle had been sunk/drained/drank.

Then we got on our bikes (yeah, tell me about it) to cycle into town to ‘get on it’ some more, only for good measure I actually fell off the bugger a couple of times on route.

For me though, I think it’s the sheer relief of getting away and experiencing such a wide open vista, as compared to urban Chelmo dwelling.

For instance, as we were sat at our campsite a buzzard began circling overhead and honestly, it was magical; such a treat and not at all the type of bird you’re ever likely to see hovering above your own back Buzzard Unloading The Edgemobile yard back home.

But back to the alcohol and I fell off me bike a further couple-of-times on our eventual early evening ride back to base and I proper bruised myself too as I was travelling at speed with only concrete to help break my fall.

Then I kept on losing my balance and couldn’t even sit in me camping chair without tippling it, and me, over a time or two, before I eventually (to the undoubted relief of my other three campers) zonked out.

Come the next morning I was up bright and early and right as rain at 6:00am, making myself a brew on our stove and reading the morning ’paper without even a hint of a hangover, which I put down to all that lovely fresh air.

We were lucky in so far as the Bank Holiday weekend turned out to be gorgeous, sandwiched as it was between some truly abysmal weather.

How people can say that camping wouldn’t be for them is just beyond me.

Not showering for 3 days, or changing your undercrackers, is honestly just great!

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(A) ‘IT’ falls over (note colapsable camping chair beneath body).

(B) ‘IT’ tries to right itself before...

(C) ‘IT’ eventually falls asleep, much to the relief of everyone else.

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 18:20 Page 7

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Just the same as blokes love the odd flash of cleavage, ladies cannot get enough of a different sort of cleavage. In short, the top of a man’s bum-crack is what does it for many a local wench, preferably with a few heat-rash style pimples dotted about for jolly good measure, much the same as there are raisins in a packet of Bran Flakes (Kellog’s do it to add a bit of spice’n’zest and they’re not wrong there, oh yeah).

Thing is, ladies, us blokes get proper fed up being whistled at and told, nay shouted at from the other side of the street, or from the top deck of a bus, to get our ruddy todgers out.

It’s just not on. We’ve got feelings, you know.

First up, we appreciate a polite introduction from a lady and perhaps the offer of a romantic meal for two with transport/cab fare there and back thrown in. And only then, after we’ve filled our boots and are stuffed to the rafters, do we break the sorry news to you that, “Errrr, you’re just not my type. Bye. Oh yeah, and thanks for the grub.”

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The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 19:30 Page 8

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CITIZEN The cities of Constantinople & Caesaromagus - a twinning opportunity with Chelmsford perhaps?

Hmmm, then again, perhaps not...

“What’s your next column going to be about? Not pop culture again,” moaned The Edge Editor to Citizen.

“Haven’t decided yet,” I replied. “I’m off to Istanbul for a few days, so I’ll figure it out when I return.”

“Never been there,” was the surprising reply from someone who Citizen knows is pretty well travelled. Followed by, “I know it’s a very big city and seeing as Chelmsford’s just become a city too, how about a piece comparing them?”

“What’s to compare,” said I, “apart from the fact that they’ve both got numerous kebab shops?”

However, an editorial commission is an editorial commission and with appropriate apologies to Steve Ward - whose pieces in The Edge as a Chelmsfordian contrasting life in the Big Apple with his ‘home town’ are hard to beat for incisiveness and entertainment - here goes!

The first thing to be noted is that Istanbul is massive - it’s a city of 13.9 million* making it the biggest in Europe and the second largest in the world behind Shanghai with 17.9million (New York is 18th with 8.3 million and London 21st with 8.1 million).

Chelmsford, by contrast, has approximately 106,000 residents in the city itself (just over 168,000 including the wider administrative area).

Turkey is one of the oldest civilisations laying claim to two of the 7 Wonders of the Ancient World - the Mausoleum of Halicarnassus and the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus. The latter was also known as the Temple of Diana - maybe they changed it so as not to confuse Daily Express readers who were visiting the site expecting to see something about that ’papers still regularly featured front page photo stories?

Istanbul (no longer the capital of Turkey since 1923 when it lost that status to Ankara) is in the 3% of Turkey that is in Europe - the remaining 97% east of the Bosporus is in Asia. Seems odd, doesn’t it, that they want to join the EU, particularly when a significant number of people over here apparently want to leave? Even odder is that they price things in Euros when their national currency is the New Turkish Lira!

But let’s consider the similarities rather than the differences between these (ahem) two great cities.

Both used to be named after Roman Emperors Istanbul, in one of its two previous guises, being known as Constantinople after the Emperor Constantine (prior to that it was called Byzantium).

Whereas Chelmsford was, of course, formerly known as Caesaromagus, presumably after either Julius or Augustus Caesar.

With the bitterness that some Colchestrians seem to reserve for their county town, someone there once told Citizen that this was made up so as to rival Colchester’s albeit better known former name Camulodunum - but NO, it’s true and what’s more it’s all there under Roman Chelmsford on the Museum website.

The famous sites of Istanbul are, of course, of world renown (many are World Heritage sites), but what the hell, there are still some similarities, aren’t there? Both have indoor markets - only there’s less chance of being run over by James Bond on a motorcycle in Chelmsford’s covered market (with The Edge’s newly named ‘shit facade’) than in the altogether more spacious Grand Bazaar!

There is also a lot less likelihood of encountering shoeshine men with a habit of ‘accidentally’ dropping a brush in the path of innocent tourists in Chelmsford than in Istanbul.

This happened to Citizen (who many years ago can recall being pursued by an eager shoeshine operative around Granada’s Alhambra Palace) soon after arriving in Istanbul, just north of Taksim Square, en route to the Istanbul Hilton.

The shoeshine guy in question encountered us at a side street crossing and when the pedestrian light turned green set off at a pace dropping said brush, which Mrs Citizen, being the nice kind helpful lady that she is, picked up and hurried to return it to him. This resulted, out of apparent gratitude, in him insisting on shining Citizens’ shoes and telling us how he was about to become a father before suggesting a charge – in Euros – for his services!

The same thing happened at a nearby junction a couple of days later - different shoeshine guy (older and therefore more likely to be about to become a granddad) but with exactly the same ploy, only this time the brush stayed exactly where it had been dropped - at the kerbside! You have been warned - but do they put that sort of thing on Trip Adviser?

Everything over there is on a huge scale - the Bosporus makes the Chelmer look like a stream, only with fewer shopping trolleys in it!

Do I honestly have to continue this increasingly ridiculous series of comparisons?

The must see tourist sites are exactly that - MUST SEE! But if choosing an open top bus tour, take the familiar single route Red City Sightseeing option, rather that the two-route alternative that claims, correctly, to be the only one that crosses the bridge over the Bosporus into Asia. You soon realise that if you fly with Easyjet into Sabiha Gokcen (Istanbul’s second airport) as you’ve already done it when you take the airport transfer bus to Taksim Square!

You’d better believe Citizen when he says the journey across the bridge in the horrendous traffic that the longer of the two bus tours encounters, almost everywhere, is best avoided!

So make it City Sightseeing - their red buses are everywhere in the world, aren’t they? Except Chelmsford! They are even in Colchester and Southend, so why haven’t we got any?

Just imagine a guided tour showing you the former Marconi Head Office, the soon to be deserted Britvic factory, the Cricket Ground and Hylands House with its surrounding parkland - home of the annual ‘V’ concert! Perhaps if The Edge is successful in identifying a further ten locations for its ‘Shit Chelmsford’ feature some of them can be added to an itinerary to make it worthy of tourist consideration?

The real MUST VISIT ‘Hop Off Point’ (or as the elongated bus tour map calls it ‘Ho-Ho point?’) is Sultanahmet - a spectacular district that contains so many world class places to see - the Blue Mosque, Hagia Sophia, the Topkapi Palace - with the Grand Bazaar and the equally fascinating Spice Bazaar only a short walk away. But be warned, the queues for the first three are enormous - if you’re on a short stay, good luck getting into them all (or at peak time into any of them) without a long wait - and that only after the tour bus has negotiated its way through seemingly endless traffic jams. Best to walk there early in the morning, or stay in a nearby hotel.

Citizen loved Istanbul (whilst Mrs Citizen was less enthusiastic, it has to be said) and, “No, Mr Editor, there aren’t too many comparisons with Chelmsford - apart, of course, from the kebab shops!”

Mrs. Ram here we come!

Source * Wikipedia ** Roman-Britain.org

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www.theedgemag.co.uk

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The

Gentleman

FATTIES CRUISING FOR A BRUISING

c c Facebook.com/theedgemagazine

Twitter.com/TheEdgeMag

THEY DIDN’T FEED ME BREAST MILK....

JUST IRON BRU & TIZER.

Page 10

One has taken a well earned holiday. It’s been quite a rough few months with the Stock Markets slumbering to stability and production steadily reaching the acceptable.

But what to do and how to do it?

Sea legs are in the family, of course, as we plundered all and sundry for generations under the banner of ‘spice traders’ and completely legal merchant traders. One asked Terrence for the charter yacht and use of his cabin serfs, but he was busy pottering down to Monte Carlo to find some Ladyboys, the selfish swine.

Talking of Ladyboys, Lady Gent had been desperately whining about loneliness and banging on for years about us going on some camp oik fest - known to many of you as a ‘cruise’. She’d eyed up the Bridge lessons and the on-board spa, enticing me with talk of a bounty of lobster and steak. I hasten to say that it worked, so a cruise, and a week with ‘the people’ on such it was.

One’s been criticised for being ‘out of touch’ by the russet faced editor of The Edge, so let me explain what a cruise is in terms you lot might understand; it’s like a floating Holiday Camp for the elderly and infirm, but the food’s a little better and you don’t stop for long in any godforsaken pisshole i.e. Skegness.

Other than that, it’s much the ruddy same.

On the plus side they do make the welps wear proper #dresslikeagent attire at least twice a week. ‘Formal nights’ they call them, or ‘Put your USA jumpers away and wear a cheap suit night’ as they are known. At least a modicum of effort was made, by most. Even the slapper wives.

But where would we go? One’s not allowed back to the Netherlands after ‘that weekend’ and most of you will now be aware of my views of the French, the Italians, and most of the continental Europeans (they are slowly and systematically destroying the country with Brussels-fuelled libber socialist tosh). But one doesn’t mind a Scandi, in particular the Norse, and credit is due for their pilfering nous as Vikings, and for their reasonably priced, flat-packed furniture.

One would have had a rather pleasant week, had it not been for my scurvy-ridden and grotesque fellow travellers. Gorging at the trough of the canteen as if there life depended on it. For those of you who aren’t aware, cruising means you can eat what you like when you like, 24/7. People, especially the Yanks, eat like it’s going out of fashion.

Thankfully - they left the good stuff for The Gent.

Norway, on the other hand, is rather orderly, rather clean, rather picturesque, rather English speaking, and rather ruddy nice. A bit like Blighty in the good old days, but more expensive. Not that that’s such a bad thing as it sifts out the chaff, if you catch my drift.

There’s no loud clothing, no screaming children, no litter. Yes, they’re a tad generous with welfare and maternity pay for the Gent’s liking, but if one had North Sea oil coming out of my arse, one might reconsider my already generous package for ‘loose’ staff. Other than that, one was, being quite honest, rather impressed.

The scenery is idyllic. We pottered through

Fjord after Fjord, and the view from the Casino was just as good as at the front of the ship, where Lady Gent spent the week flirting with some young gym-hand. A now unemployed young gym hand, I might add.

One does like a little gamble; it shows distinction and flair if done with class. But again, our American cousins do it to utter excess, with some scabby sloth chucking dollars around brashly, advising - can you believe it - The Gent; “In the US we stick on 14.”

“In the UK we stick to 3 square meals a day.

Now silence, you brainless cretin,” was my repost.

“I was only trying to help, honey.”

“I wish you’d been a little more forthcoming in ’39.”

We parted ways with The Gent now wearing the ‘cocktail of the day’ over his evening suit.

It was an odd week. One meandered from the serenity and calm of a blissful nation, to the melee of canteen dining, to the camp nonsense of ‘cruise ship entertainment’. There was a blue comedian on one night in the week, who made one or two reasonable UQuips (jokes playing to a UKIP audience).

“Britain’s full of hard working people...or the Poles as they’re known.”

Other than that it was a load of Elton John themed, butterfly prancing nonsense. At the end of the week it culminated in the two toneless lead singers harping on about changing the world, in the ‘language of love’. One felt utterly nauseous. I even contemplated throwing myself into the North Sea. Thankfully one of the fat dancers at the back collapsed half way through, a combination of sea-sickness and sky high cholesterol. It rather broke the Woodstock vibe, thankfully, and I think she pulled through, gawd bless her.

Naturally, the Yanks briefly paused from chow down for a good look and multiple unhelpful remarks. Loud, shrill and starey in a crisis as you can imagine.

The Gent exited the ‘Showroom at Sea’ and strolled back to the peace and calm of one’s frankly oversized cabin, which had been studiously cleansed by the cabin slave. He was more than accommodating to my specific written requests; I wanted to bring him home.

Lady Gent will have to up her game in future, that’s for sure.

That just left me to a bit of the World Service and a gout interrupted night sleep. It’s the red meat.

A week of awkward dinner small talk later, my waist several pounds heavier, my wallet several pounds lighter (God one’s good), we drifted back into Dover, or Dover Soulless, as the Gent labeled it - what a dump. My imprisonment at an end. My ears no longer polluted by piss pronunciation. Back to ‘Gentleman Towers’.

Will I do it again? Probably not.

Having once walked past Charlie Choys in it’s heyday - I imagine some of you berks would be more suited. But it’s not for the elite, the young and the sexy.

No, it’s back to the serenity of the Gent’s Devon retreat next summer.

Graciously, your Travel Agent (that’s a joke, one would never have such a ‘job’).

The Edge 01245 348256

www.theedgemag.co.uk PLUS many more offers on the day and a glass of Champagne + nibbles during an interesting Aesthetics Beauty Evening at Another Level.

On your visit to the clinic you will receive FREE entry into a raffle prizes include products and treatments •£25 OFF VOUCHER for BOTOX & £35 OFF VOUCHER for fillers +£50 OFF VOUCHER for DERMAPEN. •

5pm - 8pm AESTHETIC CLINIC LAUNCH DAY THURSDAY 11TH JULY We will be holding demonstrations on •Dermapen (one of the first clinics to launch this alternative to Dermal Roller) Skin Tightening •Botox & Fillers •Skin Peels Enerpeel

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E R O M BEER

David Sherman’s

BEVERAGE REPORT THE STAR & GARTER Moulsham Street seems to have become a major attraction for The Shermanator in recent months.

N A C U O THAN Y TICK AT! S A E K SHA Open ’til midnight every night of CAMRA Chelmsford Summer Beer Festival from Tuesday 9th July to Saturday 13th July inc.

12 REAL ALES 12 CIDERS ...and more bottled beer than you can shake a stick at!

THE ALE HOUSE

First off, The Essex Cider Shop opened, selling draught and bottled ciders and perries, along with a number of other products, to a discerning audience. Then The Cricketers had a makeover and reopened its doors with a larger and more diverse range of beers available.

And now The Star & Garter has well and truly upped its game, so Moulsham Street now looks as though it has a range of outlets any major shopping street in a small city should be entitled to.

‘New’ landlord Benny has in fact been at The Star & Garter for around 18 months, so for some time before the changes I have described above. This, however, escaped my attention until the early part of this year, partly as a result of Sherm’s comfortable entrenchment in The Woolpack and very few other places for many months - Bad boy! Must go out exploring and discovering more in the future! - and partly because the reputation the place had acquired under several years of previous management had sent it firmly off the map as far as I was concerned.

But Benny, formerly of The Eagle & Hind and Judge Tindal’s Tavern (also recently re-launched, by the way), has set out to change all that. Having established a more stable, and dare I say more respectable customer base, he has increased his turnover of cask beer to the point where he can comfortably sell four or five ales, and has generated interest in his new product range through a pair of successful beer festivals (September 2012 and Easter 2013).

“Our first festival had just eight beers,” he told me, “but they all sold well enough, so we increased that to fourteen for the last one. That was also a huge success, so with trade increasing in the pub generally, our next festival in September will probably have around twenty different beers.”

On top of that, S&G’s Easter beer festival included a ‘Mystery Beer’ competition that, for once, left me stumped!

Thwaites Bitter, anyone? Just not fair!

(But very nice – how come we don’t see that round here more often?)

St. Austell Tribute and Adnams Ghost Ship were both available on my most recent visit, with the safe fall-back of Fuller’s London Pride for those who prefer the old favourites. A couple of Round Tower beers were due on in what were then ‘forthcoming days’ (hurry, you might not have missed them!), specifically a dark bitter called Fixie (4.5% ABV) and a single-hop golden ale at 3.7% ABV incongruously named 3-Wheel (shouldn’t that be One-Wheel?).

It’s not all about the beer though.Benny has specifically set out to restore live music as a regular occurrence and such events take place at the S&G every Friday and Saturday night. Regular favourites include a superb rockabilly trio called Voodoo Bones (I say that from experience!) and Billericay-based rock covers act Stakeout.

“We’ve had live bands on for long enough now to know who’s good,” says Benny, “so the overall quality of the live music we have is improving all the time.

We still get new bands as well, but when a band keeps coming back here, you know they’ll give you a really good night.”

Benny’s keen to create a proper community pub atmosphere and fortunately seems to be doing so. He has a regular pool team up and running and is hoping to enter a darts team next time the local league starts up.

The Star and Garter is open 12-11 Sunday - Thursday and 12-12 Friday and Saturday. So turn the motto on the sign on its head; don’t wish evil on those who wish it on you - repay a favour to someone who’s reviatlised a pub, and jolly well pay The Star & Garter a visit!

Moulsham Street, Chelmsford.

24-26 VIADUCT ROAD, CHELMSFORD. In railway arches by bus station!

01245 260535

alehouse chelmsford

@alehouse_cford

www.alehousecm1.com Page 12

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Old Select Cinema makes way for more new homes Shame, The Edge thinks, as in its current guise, it kind of looks a bit like a crumbling coliseum.....and Chelmsford hasn’t got one of those.

TOP 10 FOOD HATES

1 OYSYERS but The Edge absolutely loves ’em!

2 LIVER and The Edge loves liver, mash & onions too.

3 ANCHOVIES Yep, gorgeous.

4 TOFU We sometimes have tofu chilli con carne and it’s alreet is tofu!

5 BLACK PUDDING A full English breakfast is not a full English breakfast without a bit of the old Black Pudding Bertha!

6 SUSHI How can anyone not like raw fish?

7 BLUE CHEESE An after dinner gastronimical delight!

8 OLIVES particularly when they’re stuffed. Mmmmm, gorgeous.

9 LIQUORICE helps keeps you regular!

10 MARZIPAN is to die for.

“Will you shut the f@*# up about ‘All You Can Drink’ Bars for just £12.50pp!

Stuart Hammond operates Oliver Catering, renowned for quality food sources and service.

Oliver Catering are caterers of christenings, birthdays, dinner parties, weddings, social events, annual dinners, rotary club doo’s and funerals.

They are a small company so their prices are reasonable so that their customers always benefit from a really good deal.

Oliver Catering also offer a bar service, including the delivery of ice-cubes to bars and restaurants, serving up drinks, or the full bar option. A set price ‘drink as much as you like’ bars are also available for just £12.50pp that includes beer, wine, liqueurs and soft drinks (sorry, no champagne at this price, readers, ....dream on!).

So why not look up Oliver Catering and get a quote for your next soiree?

bloody drizzle cake?!”

Saatchi pleads exasperatedly to Lawson.

Tel: 01245 451651 www.theedgemag.co.uk

Page 13

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(other girls) Stiffer (f’narr) Penalties for Women Drivers It comes to The Edge’s attention that women attempting to drive over barriers and into subways off Parkway and those who cruise oblivious in the central lane on motorways can now be fined one hundred sheets and docked three points on their license.

And quite right too.

What’s more, if women didn’t hog the middle lane on motorways, then us men wouldn’t have to weave from lane-to-lane in order to get from A to B in the least possible time.

Yeah, and if you think The Edge approves of lane-weavers, then you can think again because it cannot stand the arsehole ankers, and generally speaking they are 100% male.

Are we getting to the stage where motorists can self-police though? You know, dob other drivers in for driving whilst talking on their mobile ’phone or applying lip-gloss?

Personally speaking, I miss ‘TWD’ (texting whilst driving), but signing up for an iPhone 4S has put paid to all of that because you need two hands to operate the bloody thing and try as I might, I am not yet proficient enough to be driving with just my knees, particularly around sharp bends.

Oh and it’s not just women that can get fined £100 for such demeanours; men can too!

*

Page 14

Women spend longer getting ready...

Well, we may as well stop right there, hadn’t we?

But no, apparently, women spend longer getting ready for a night out with their girlfriends than ever they do for a night out with their ‘other half’.

A study of 2,000 ladies showed they spend 30% more time dressing-up if they’re going out with their friends as opposed to their partner.

Just over two-thirds of those surveyed admitted that they set out to impress their friends with the way they ‘look’ and said they always compare their appearance to that of other women.

The study, by Malibu Rum, also found that 44% admitted to actually enjoying the ‘getting ready’ part just as much as the evening out itself.

Now then, as your editor is a bloke, what is this telling him, hmmmm?

For starters, it’s telling him what he already knew, in so far as some women are incredibly competitive and wanting to look their best is simply another form of their competitive streak.

However, Mrs Edge puts a slightly different slant on matters. “It’s more of an event going out with the girls,” she says, “so you might put some music on and have a couple of drinks whilst you’re getting ready....whereas if I’m just going out with you, I’ll sling some clothes on, scrunch my hair and off we go!”

Charmed, I’m sure.

By comparison, how long does the average bloke take to get ready, hmmm? A quick shit, shave (I don’t even do that), shower and shampoo (or that) and we’re pretty much good to go!

What a Waste

This is, or was, Bollywood actress Jiah Khan (25), found dead hanging in her Mumbai apartment last month, minus a suicide note, although police say there were no suspicious circumstances.

No suspicious circumstances?

What a babe. What’s all this ‘HYN’ (hanging yourself nonsense)? I mean, if she’d hit every branch on the way down from that there tree, like wot I did, then sure, I can understand her committing harakiri. But to look like she does...

Or is The Edge just being shallow?

Either way, what a waste.

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ϮϬй K&& ǁǁǁ͘ƚŚĞďĞĂƵƚLJLJĂƌĚ͘ĐŽ͘ƵŬ ŝŶĨŽΛƚŚĞďĞĂƵƚLJLJĂƌĚ͘ĐŽ͘ƵŬ - ϬϭϮϰϱ - ϰϰϬϱϴϮ ϯϮϰ ƌŽŽŵĮĞůĚ ZŽĂĚ ŚĞůŵƐĨŽƌĚ ƐƐĞdž͕ Dϭ ϰ

Young People Reading The Edge!

Ahhhhhhh bless. This is young Arthur Rogers, son of Anna & Antony who help run Lance James Jewellers in Chelmsford, and he’s clearly brushing up on his Latin during his very first holiday abroad in Side, Turkey.

Now the ancient city of Side is a place The Edge has heard really good reports about and would obviously suit those who like their holiday destinations to be steeped in a little history.

The Edge isn’t much into history, although it does have a penchant for a touch of the old Ruinous Romanous, particularly if there’s no tour guide present and it isn’t expected to take in too many dates, facts and figures, because when all’s said and done, you’re on your ’olidays after all.

I do like the odd derelict coliseum though (see page 11) and there looks as though there might be a bit of a belter in Side, so one day maybe I’ll eventually get there.

P.S. Side means pomegranate in Ancient Anatolian!

tĂdžŝŶŐ͕ DĂŶŝĐƵƌĞƐ͕ WĞĚŝĐƵƌĞƐ͕ &ĂĐŝĂůƐ͕ DĂƐƐĂŐĞ͕ DŝŶdž͕ ŝŽ ^ĐƵůƉƚƵƌĞ 'Ğů͕ &ĂůƐĞ LJĞůĂƐŚĞƐ͕ dƌĞĂĚŝŶŐ ĂŶĚ ^ƉƌĂLJ dĂŶŶŝŶŐ YƵŽƚĞ dŚĞ ĚŐĞ ǁŚĞŶ ŵĂŬŝŶŐ LJŽƵƌ ĂƉƉŽŝŶƚŵĞŶƚ WůĞĂƐĞ ďƌŝŶŐ ǀŽƵĐŚĞƌ ŽŶ ƚŚĞ ĚĂLJ ŽĨ LJŽƵƌ ĂƉƉŽŝŶƚŵĞŶƚ dĞƌŵƐ ĂŶĚ ŽŶĚŝƟŽŶƐ ƉƉůLJ

sĂůŝĚ ƵŶƟů ϬϮͬϬϴͬϮϬϭϯ ;EŽƚ ǀĂůŝĚ ŽŶ Ă ^ĂƚƵƌĚĂLJͿ

dŚĞ ĞĂƵƚLJ zĂƌĚ

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Apollo Temple, Side.

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Appointments are preferred but walk-in service also available.

For bookings and more details, please see us at www.facebook.com/beautypluschelmsford 8 Market Road, High Chelmer (opposite County Hall & library), Chelmsford, Essex, CM1 1XA. TELEPHONE 01245 690309 Page 15

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 20:26 Page 16

44/45 Duke Street, Chelmsford 01245 493333 www.baristachelmsford.com

THE WHITE HART SUMMER BEER FESTIVAL Thursday 18th July - Sunday 21st July 2013 Winner of numerous awards inc.

Essex Life Pub of the Year Runner -Up 2012 and CAMRA REAL ALE PUB of the YEAR 2011

BBQ

Pimms & Champagne Tent

OVER 80 REAL ALES & CIDERS

‘LIVE’ MUSIC BREAK FOR COVER

will be performing on Friday evening and Sunday lunchtime + ‘live’ music Saturday day/eve too!

Large marquee in grounds behind pub ....so plenty of cover if it rains!

‘The home of real ale and good food with at least 6 real ales always on tap’ Swan Lane, Margaretting Tye, CM4 9JX. Tel: 01277 840478 BUS IN AS U ESS SUA IN TH L E

PUB

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www.thewhitehart.uk.com Page 16

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2013 CHELMSFORD SUMMER BEER & CIDER FESITVAL Our wonderful annual summer Beer & Cider Festival is back and after last years wash-out, let’s just hope the gods (sun)shine on us.

We can all look forward to over 300 ales from all over the UK including a wide selection from the West Country and Wales. Meanwhile, the LocAle bar will feature as many Essex breweries as possible - including Chelmsford’s very own Round Tower Brewery - whilst there will also be a number of ales brewed especially for the festival itself, so do look out for those.

All styles of beer will be available, including bitters, milds, stouts & porters, fruit beers, IPAs and real cask lagers, as well as some particularly fine golden ales that always prove popular at this particular time of the year.

There will also be 7 Brewery Bars from Woodfordes, Black Sheep, Brentwood,, Wibblers, Sharps, Bishop Nick and Felstar.

Belgian & International Beer The Belgian Beer Bar offers a great range of beers including Trappists, Lambics, plus a full selection of their ever popular fruit beers.

This year there will also be the best of international beers from the USA, Germany, Czech Republic and Holland including the rare, proper draught Budweiser Budvar yeast beer.

Cider Bar Subject to availability the Cider Bar will have all the Gold, Silver and Bronze winners from the 2013 National Cider & Perry Championships including over 100 different types of Real Cider, Perry and Pyder (made with apples and pears) from around the UK. Millwhites Cider will also be returning, whose Rum Cask (7.5%) was voted Cider of the Festival last year.

Festival Grub As usual, a wide range of food will be available every single day, with Hopleaf supplying their usual burgers, hot dogs and curries. Bratwurst will offer both German and vegetarian sausages whilst a hog roast and Thai curries will also be in evidence. In the marquee there will be stalls for the Cheese & Pie Man and olives. And, by popular demand and brand new to the festival, good old fish & chips!

Wine Felstar Brewery will provide local Essex wines from their very own vineyard.

Join CAMRA for FREE Entry CAMRA has over 140,000 members nationally and members are entitled to FREE festival entrance - so why not sign-up at the festival membership stall which will also entitle you to a FREE pint of beer and entrance refund!

Entertainment Tues. 9th July 8pm-11pm - TEQUILA - an established duo performing acoustic covers plus original material.

Wed. 10th July 8pm-11pm - THE MALINGERERS - 6-piece old type band, traditional country blues and rock’n’roll.

Thurs. 11th July 8pm-11pm - STREETS AHEAD - the number one party band in Essex.

Friday 12th July 1pm-3.30pm - D’UKES UKELELE BAND - the ultimate ukelele band.

Friday 12th July 8pm-11pm - CHOCOLATE FIREGUARD EXPERIENCE - the band that time forgot - the ultimate tribute band.

Sat. 13th July 12.30pm-3pm - THE PAUL HAWKINS BAND - jazz, swing, blues and jump-jive.

Sat. 13th July 3pm-4pm & 4.45pm-5.45pm - SHAMELESS - experienced trio, rock/blues/reggae.

Sat. 13th July 4pm-4.45pm - TEN POINT TOO - young quartet ranging from blues to modern rock covers.

Sat. 13th July 8pm-11pm - ROBBIE GLADWELL BAND & GUESTS - when not touring with Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel, Robbie’s band has performed with the likes of Suzi Quatro, Jack Bruce, Percy Sledge, Little Eva, Deep Purple, Gary Moore, Dave Gilmour and Paul McCartney among many others.

Family Fun on Saturday ’til 6pm Includes kiddies funfair with a giant inflatable slide plus children’s rides. Wrist bands for unlimited rides cost just £5 per child. Other attractions include Coconut Shy, Face Painting and an Ice-Cream Van! Entrance is FREE to CAMRA members. Non-members FREE until 5.30pm.

After 5.30pm it’s £4 Tuesday - Thursday, £5 Friday and Saturday. Refundable £3 deposit on Festival glasses if returned by 11.15pm.

The festival is only a 15 minute walk from Chelmsford city centre, so if you’ve never visited our very own Summer Beer Festival before, then make sure you don’t miss this one!

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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Monthly Coffee Mornings for people suffering from loneliness Your editor thinks he read this in the Essex Chronicle and immediately thought, ‘What a jolly good idea. I’m lonely. I think I’ll go along.’

Only then I thought, ‘Hang on a minute....if you’re proper lonely and not just a bit lonely, like what I am, then once-a-month’s no bloody good, is it?’

When I get to the stage when I’m reet lonely - and hopefully by then I’ll be pissing in me pants too - I’m going to need some company and I’m going to need it on a daily basis, I reckon. Or at least every other day.

But what bright spark thought up the notion that a monthly coffee morning might help, eh?

First Friday of every month they’re running ’em, from 10am-midday. Oh yeah, that’s going to comfort someone crippled by bloody loneliness, isn’t it....NOT? I tell thee, old age and loneliness is going to hit me like a bloody sledgehammer one day and it’ll serve me right as I’ve always been so dismissive of old folk for much of me life, stupidly reckoning they had it coming to them (not so much that, but more it being a fact and a consequence of life itself). Only now that such a prospect is drawing ever closer for yours truly, I think that maybe I’ve been a little bit too harsh with me thinking up until now.

SOME PEOPLE DO ACTUALLY CALL ME A SPACE COWBOY, YEAH...

BUT MOST OF THEM JUST CALL ME

COPPERTOP

New City Manager Reckon you’ve all heard that Dean Holdsworth is the new manager of Chelmsford City F.C. and The Edge remembers him fondly from his playing days at both Wimbledon and Bolton Wanderers, so maybe it’ll now start to take a bit more notice of our local club in future.

Do we still play in claret though?

Tut. The Edge doesn’t do claret.

So if Deano really is the man to take us forward, please change the kit so that Chelmsford City play in orange in future, just like the Dutch masters.

How did HASHTAGS get to be so polular?

It’s like a noughts and crosses grid, only in italics.

So what’s so bloody special about them (#) all of a frickin’ sudden?

They’re seemingly everywhere.

Is it just a stupid fad, or do they actually mean something? #this and #that...

It’s all so very annoying.

Is this actually issue: 202?

Check this email out from one of you lot, readers: Hello Shaun, Congratulations on reaching Issue 200, but you're a bit late aren't you, or have you forgotten that the current July 2013 editions are in fact issue no: 202?

You may recall, many years ago, somebody made the mistake of repeating the issue number the following month? I could rummage through my collection (yes, I still have a copy of every single edition) and tell you which months they were, but honestly, I can't be arsed!

Keep up the good work.

Cheers, Chris Kenward.

Now Chris has got a point, because the very first Edge issue was the October edition of 1996, so add that to the November and December editions of that initial year and you’ve got three (editions), correct? Then there’s 12 editions per year between 1997 and 2012 which is 192 (editions) + those initial three from 1996 + a further 7 thus far in 2013 (including this one) and what does that all add up to?

202 Bugger!

BLOCKBUSTER

Despite the ‘TO LET’ boards adorning the facade, Blockbuster in Springfield Road (opposite the all new, spectacularly improved Tesco store) remains OPEN, readers, and the friendly team wish to thank the city of Chelmsford for its continued support throughout an incredibly challenging start to 2013, what with all those unsavoury rumours that the store was to be put to pasture.

But now it’s onwards and upwards where the friendly staff of Tony, Jo, Neil, Sam, Calum, Tom and Fortuna are all looking forward to helping you make your best game and movie choices for the foreseeable future.

Telephone (01245) 269767

Page 18

In his letter, Chris says “somebody made the mistake of repeating the (same) issue number the following month” and that somebody could only have been me, readers!

So how many others of you out there have collected every single edition of The Edge? Any of you? Because this is proper bugging me now; I need to know which two editions are numbered exactly the same.

Honestly, I can’t believe it. What a cock-up to make. But until I see it with my own two eyes, I honestly won’t believe it. I’ll stupidly delude myself that there’s some other perfectly rational explanation for it because that’s what I’m like. A bit of a bell-end, if truth be known.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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Should have gone to

Whatever the dispute, we are the experts in conflict resolution and are here to help

www.essexmediation.co.uk Chelmsford: 01245 492200 Colchester: 01206 767388 41(-*89*7 Harlow: 01279 311431

THE ARMY & NAVY FLYOVER IS A MONSTROSITY AT LAST! In the Richard III of this series, The Edge actually receives a nomination from a reader and is kicking itself for not realising that this really ought to have been numero uno right from the off.

So without further ado, take it away, sir...

The Army & Navy roundabout is the most famous junction in Chelmsford.

Before the bypass was built the roundabout had the A12 running straight through it, bringing many thousands into then what was merely a town.

The Army & Navy pub has since been replaced by modern buildings incorporating a hotel with shops and eateries that now provide outside areas to enjoy the diesel fumes along with the tobacco diners at the restaurants concerned have stood outside specifically to inhale.

Around the roundabout such wonderful old buildings can be seen at a glance, including the delightful cottages of Baddow Road and the old mill that sits back along the river.

The roundabout itself has always been decorated in a variety of colourful plumage. Our local council workers strive year in year out to come up with different patterns simply to try and remove our gaze from the monstrosity that crosses it in the form of the flyover.

Even in 1978 when it was brand spanking new, it must have been a positive eyesore. Whereas today it’s dirty; its paintwork is flaky and it certainly gets my vote to be in The Edge’s top 12 of ‘Shit Chelmsford’.

Nasty Nick Well, there we have it, folks. The Army & Navy Flyover joins the shit brown colour of Chelmsford Market and Cater House as the first three nominations in The Edge’s ‘Shit Chelmsford’ campaign. But we’re after twelve in total, so there’s still a ways to go. Yes, The Edge has received three other nominations to bring to you over the coming months and editions, but they’re not what we’d call nailed-on belters, so let’s be hearing from you, please. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

COCONUT WATER

Yep, it’s back and it’s bigger and better than ever. And as much as it’s amazing that CAMRA members give up their time for FREE to work behind the bars and serve us all our beer.....ISN’T IT A SHAME that none of them actually look like these stein-swilling Kraut babes?

For further details, see page 17...

Apparently it’s the latest must have drink.

Only it was pomegranate juice a while back, wasn’t it? It must have been as The Edge has still got a carton left over in the cupboard, post must have phase.

So what’s so good about Coconut Water....and does Gwenyth Paltrow drink it?

Well, it’s low on calories (only 39 calories for every 100ml serving) and high on nutrients, ‘Coconut Water contains naturally high levels of electrolytes, including potassium, calcium and magnesium, which has made it popular as a sports drink’ said someone who’s obviously got shares in selling the bloody stuff.

(that’s right, the page you’ve just missed)!

* Vita Coco is the UKs leading brand.

CHELMSFORD SUMMER BEER FESTIVAL

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Page 19

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 21:34 Page 20

LETTERS & EMAILS to THE EDGE EDITOR

(In other words: Dog Stroking Protocol)

n We have white mugs at ‘Edge Towers’. Least they are to begin with. But dear oh dear, you should see the inside of one after I’ve had but a single cup of (Yorkshire) tea. So if it’s doing that to the inside of the mug, what’s it doing to the lining of me stomach, eh? n Poor Nadal, the tennis player; he always looks as though he’s recovering from a stroke, and that’s not a backhand-pass down the line either. n Why the feck do they call them conference pears? There are no apples called boardroom apples and no oranges called slide-show oranges, to the best of The Edge’s knowledge.

So why such a ridiculous name for a fruit?

Bloke goes up to dog, crouches down, starts stroking it and talking to its owner.

Fine so far. Only is there any need to show off half-your-arse to the rest of the general public whilst doing so?

“Viscious” With regard to your "critique" of said television programme in your latest issue (June), I have to ask if you are attuned to anything more subtle than a smack in the mouth or merely look down your bigoted noses at anything remotely gay?

Possibly, the canned laughter means that the company expects to sell the show to America as Sir Ian and Sir Derek are players on the world stage whereas "The Edge" might politely be called "provincial".

All is not lost, however, as I'm sure that once you grow up (mentally), master the rudiments of grammar, abandon your "Estuary Essex" superiority and stop using words like "shit" you might find a useful career at "The Sun" as a tea-boy.

Sincerely Yours, Jack ‘Jax’ Jackson.

Well you sanctimonious, gay (?) bell-end, attempting to give it large and come across all erudite, yet you can’t even spell ‘vicious’, you fuckwit.

It’s got absolutely nothing to do with McKellen and Jacobi (Freddie & Stuart indeed) being GAY - why do you GAYS always have to make such a big deal about being GAY when the vast majority of the rest of us really don’t give a shite - and everything to do with the fact that Vicious, however you want to spell it, you dozy Kent, SIMPLY ISN’T FUNNY. It’s just OBVIOUS. So obvious that you can see the gags coming a mile off, which also makes it IRRITATING - a bit like yourself, ‘Jaxy’.

Now, if you’d have pulled The Edge up about it recommending The Job Lot as a comedy alternative to Vicious, like it did last month, then we’d have had to agree with you because it is also a pile of shite.

But you didn’t, due to being a PRICK.

Page 20

n How did hashtags get to become so famous all of a sudden? Answers please to #theedge n “Hey, Edge! What is it with people these days? Tesco have fixed numerous aids for those ‘less able to walk’, such as rear facing toddler seats on big trolleys, scooters (free), wheelchairs free), yet some mums and dads see fit to put their school-age offspring in the shallow trolleys feet first. Cholera anyone? I mean, they may have happily romped through some dog-mess or pigeon-poo prior to rubbing it all off on the receptacle for shopping for the next unsuspecting shopper. Apparently the staff can only sheepishly suggest to these imbeciles that their little darlings might hurt themselves should they fall off.

The mind boggles. Do these ‘people’ use crockery at home, or just empty their food on the floor and lick it up? Do they wash their hands? Do they shower?”

Laura (Edge reader) n Please put the item in the Bagging Area.

“I fecking well have!” I often find myself muttering under my breath before trying to find an assistant who is usually spending far too long with an inbred with a basket full of Whoopsy items that apparently need to be punched in one-by-one manually.

The Edge thinks not.

So make blokes like this be far more considerate in future.

SLAP ET A TICK !

ON IT

Call it CLEAVAGE TAX if you like, only make the perpetrators of such heinous crimes think twice in future, readers!

The Edge is appealing to its readers to take photo’s of cleavages - both breast and arse and forward them to the mag so’s we can SLAP A TICKET ON ’EM in public!

Please forward to

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

n There was a bloke in B&Q yesterday wearing aviator sunglasses and it wasn’t even sunny outside, let alone inside.

Verdict: COCK! n Oh yeah, and there was this other bloke - who was definitely old enough to know better - wearing a pair of jeans with Next Generation splattered all over the upper-arse area, like only teenagers might wear. Unless he was a bona fide Trekkie, there can be no excuses, bloke.

Dress your bloody age! n The Black Eyed Peas. Do you think they came up with that name the morning after having an Indian take-away when they looked in the bottom of the toilet bowl after a ‘MNV’ (most necessary visit), hmmmm? n Someone said, “It is my sincerest hope that the act of dying feels like eventually pissing after a long, bumpy car ride.” Nice thought, but The Edge very much doubts it. n Elton Jim and David Unfurnished and their two ickle test-tube babies Zachary and Elijah. Aaaah, how sweet. Or is their just something about it all that makes your tummy do somersaults?

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WHAT A SURPRISE COVER UP TO AVOID (NOT)...women mature SEXUAL HARASSMENT earlier than men A BRAND NEW survey apparently shows that the vast majority of women can be considered ‘mature’ like a decent block of cheese - once they reach the age of 32, whereas it takes men until the ripe old age of 43.

What’s more, 80% of women feel that men never ever stop being childish, with farting sited as a guy’s worst and most obvious habit.

Another frustration for women is their other halves seeming inability to be able to cook the simplest of meals (eg wife sent me into Edge back garden for some fresh mint to go with the new potatoes and I returned with a sprig of bloody basil).

And get this: 30% of women have actually split up with their partners due to losing patience with their constant immaturity, with 46% of them insisting they have to ‘mother’ their fellas way too much.

In short, blokes are pretty much good for nothing and the world would be a far better place if everyone was a woman and every woman was a lesbian.

Well that’s how it bloody sounds!

However, chaps, there is a chink of light. Some women admit that a certain immaturity does keep a relationship both fresh and fun....so best we CARRY ON FARTING!

ON TRAINS & TUBE

In China, women have been warned not to wear mini-skirts or other ‘skimpy clothing’ on public transport to avoid the unwanted attention of men.

Unwanted attention?!?!?!

They have also been told to take steps to avoid being - and get this, readers secretly photographed by up-skirt perverts.

“Now I’ve spotted what you just did, sir, and for your information,” says Mr Ticket Collector, “I am now entering you onto the Up-Skirt Register.”

No, The Edge shouldn’t make light of this matter as it rarely travels by train, so can any of you local ladies vouch for such tales as these?

It appears Beijing women often complain of sexual harassment and outright groping when travelling on their capital’s crowded buses and subways.

But not in the likes of Chelmsford and London, surely?

So come on, ladies, if anything inappropriate has ever happened to you on a bus, train or tube, let The Edge know so that then we can put it out there and see whether any other ladies come forward with similar experiences....like they did when someone first ‘coughed’ on Jimmy Savile, because these things then tend to just snowball.

Let’s be hearing from you all at.... shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

coming soon...

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The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 21:35 Page 22

ONLY JOKING! Better Deal

After patiently queuing up at the Tesco checkout, Mr Patel said to the cashier, "Can you do me this item any cheaper?"

"I'm afraid not, sir," the cashier replied. "If we did it for you, then we'd have to do it for everyone."

Mr Patel said, "Yes, I understand that, but it's got today's date on it. So if nobody buys it, then it's just going to get thrown away."

"Look, sir,” said the cashier in a much brusquer tone, “you're holding up the queue. Now do you want the bloody newspaper or not?"

Bedridden An old lady was being examined by her doctor.

He asks her if she had ever been bedridden?

She says, "Yes, I have, doctor. And for your information, I've also been table-ended and back-skuttled a fair few times too."

Late Night ’Phone Call A dog lover, whose dog was a female and ‘in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while the neighbours were on holiday.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep on the very first night, she heard some awful howling and moaning sounds, so she rushed downstairs and found the two dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the local vet, who soon answered in an exceedingly grumpy tone.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "OK. Hang up, but then place the ’phone alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection so that he’ll be able to withdraw."

"Do you think it’ll work?" she asked.

The vet replied, "It just did for me."

Check-Up Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside.

Why on earth would a dentist do that?

Shampoo I asked 100 women what shampoo they used whilst showering?

A staggering 99 of the 100 replied, “How the feck did you get in here?”

Daisy & Donald Daisy Duck and Donald Duck were spending the night together in a hotel and Donald was anxious to get straight down to it. But the first thing Daisy said was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "Nope."

So Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, then no way could they have sex.

"Maybe they have them at the front desk?”

Donald pondered? So off he went and asked

the hotel clerk - in a hushed tone - if he had any condoms.

"Certainly, sir," the clerk said as he pulled a box out from beneath the counter and gave one to Donald.

He then added, "Would you like me to put it on your bill for you?"

Praise The Lord A Catholic Priest was on the telly praising one of his alter boys for saving his life.

Apparently the 13 year old found a lump on one of the Priest’s testicles.

Match of the Day I was sitting watching ‘Match of the Day’ when the missus came into the lounge and says, "Fancy a shag, babe?"

I said, "Yeah, after the footie, love."

She said, "You do realise you can record it, don't you?"

I said, "OK, get the camcorder ready and I'll be up just as soon as the footie has finished."

How Many?

My girlfriend just asked me how many women I've slept with. I told her, “I don’t really want to answer that question, love. You know we’ve all got a past and I really don't want to upset you.”

“Oh c'mon,” she said, “I can handle it.”

So I sat there and counted them all off in front of her and it went something like this...

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, you, 13, 14, 15.”

And that’s when the fight started....

Not Best Pleased My wife asked me to go to the doctors about my erection problem. She wasn't best pleased when I came home and gave her a bottle with Slimming Pills typed on the label.

Wedding Reception I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced: “Will all the married men go and stand by the person that most makes their life worth living.”

Bloody hell, the barman was almost crushed to death in the rush.

Hours in the Bathroom My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out. When the door finally swung open she said, "Be honest, do I look fat in this dress?"

I replied softly, "To be fair, love, it is only a small bathroom, so it’s bound to make you look just that little bit bigger."

Sensitive Guy A woman meets a guy in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment she can’t help but notice how neat, spick and span everything is, which is somewhat unusual for a guy living alone. Only then she notices that one entire wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears, well over a hundred of them by the looks of things.

It was obvious to her that this guy had taken quite a lot of time lovingly arranging them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising such a beautiful display.

There were small bears along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, then huge, enormous teddy bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine man to have such a large collection of teddy bears and was rather impressed by his ‘sensitive side’, though didn’t mention it to him.

So they shared a bottle of wine and continued to talk. After awhile, she found herself thinking, ‘Oh my God! Maybe this guy could actually be the one? Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’

So she turned to him and kissed him lightly on the lips. His response was warm and immediate.

Soon their passion built and he romantically lifted her and carried her into his bedroom where they quickly ripped each others clothes off and made hot, steamy, sensual love. In fact, she was so overwhelmed by the whole experience that she responded with more passion, more creativity and more exertion than she had ever experienced in her whole life before.

Come the morning, after an intense, explosive night which included some sheer, raw, carnal sex, they were lying together, in the afterglow, when she rolled over, propped her head up on one arm and gently started stroking his chest.

Coyly, she mused, “Well, how was it for you?”

The guy smiled warmly, thought for a moment, stroked her cheek and whispered, “Pretty good, sugar tits. So go ahead and help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

Take Two Women Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and have ourselves a drink."

So the lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't, we've got our dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow me and do as I do."

Then in one swift movement she put on a pair of dark glasses from her clutchbag and started to walk towards the bar.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry lady, no dogs allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "What? A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now."

“OK,” said the bouncer, “in you go.”

Well, her friend with the Chihuahua thought that convincing the bouncer that her Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a little more difficult, but she put on a pair of dark glasses and decided to give it a go anyway.

Only the bouncer stopped her and said, "Sorry lady, no dogs allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "What, a Chihuahua?"

The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua?

They gave me a bloody Chihuahua?"

Only A Game After landing myself in jail I spent the next couple of hours getting mercilessly bummed.

Sometimes I think my Uncle Pete takes a game of Monopoly far too seriously.

Beer-Belly A sexy bird poked my beer-belly and said, “Is that Carlsberg or Fosters?”

I said, “There’s a tap underneath, why don’t you taste it for yourself?”

8 Kilometres During sex you apparently burn as many calories as running for 8 kilometres.

Who the feck runs 8 kilometres in 45 seconds?

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 21:36 Page 23

Let’s be honest, Amateur Dramatics (AmDram for short) doesn’t particularly have a good reputation, does it, writes Jacob Burtenshaw? The stereotypical image that most people get in their heads is of a damp hall filled with big egos and bad acting, poor sets accompanied by murdered scripts and an overwhelming sense of ‘duty’ to support your uncle during his midlife crisis of becoming an actor. However, that isn’t always the case.

I’m sure out of the 2,500 groups in the UK, a number of them do live up to this stereotype. After all, they must do, otherwise where would the stereotype have come from in the first place?

I’m no critic, but I know for a fact that I’ve been to the odd performance in my time where I was more taken by the poor quality of the production than I was the storyline.

However, I don’t think that’s true of our wonderful city (and it still makes me chuckle saying ‘city’) of Chelmsford. I think we are home to a number of great groups, including the group that I am pleased to be associated to, Chelmsford Theatre Workshop.

I’m sure most of you reading this will be familiar with the red theatre opposite Chelmsford Prison The Old Court Theatre. The question, is how many of you have ever actually been there to see a production?

To give you a brief introduction if you haven’t, the group was founded back in 1969. In the 70’s they bought the old Springfield Parish hall and created The Old Court Theatre. Through 100’s of member’s involvement and various refurbishments (including a very recent brand new front of house) it still stands today and has outlived a number of other theatres throughout Chelmsford’s history.

The group is run - and has always been run completely by volunteers (including myself) and produces between 6 and 10 productions per season (September - July) and has built a reputation for excellence in all areas, as well as artistic

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Chelmsford Theatre Workshop integrity, often tackling difficult plays or challenging concepts that other companies may not touch.

Indeed, the CTW season is renowned for its variety, often including popular or well-known pieces amongst those lesser-known, and numerous original works too.

But if you’re only discovering our whereabouts due to this particular article, well then, you’ve already missed out on two excellent productions in the past couple of months. First up there was Shakers

Michael Sheen as British television broadcaster David Frost and Frank Langella as former United States President Richard Nixon. Unfortunately, we didn’t get those two, so instead our very own Dean Hempstead (Frost) and Kevin Stemp (Nixon) portrayed the parts perfectly and impressed audiences who were all ‘waiting for the truth’.

There is one more play left this season - before our 2013/14 season starts in September - and that is Holding the Man, compelling, wrenching, moving and extremely funny, true-life love story that speaks across generations, sexualities and cultures, based on the award-winning memoir by Timothy Conigrave and adapted for the stage by acclaimed playwright Tommy Murphy. Not one for the faint hearted, this story is full of everything you would expect from a relationship that spans from school days to adult life.

All further info, past photographs, reviews, dates and tickets are available at www.ctw.org.co.uk Jacob Burtenshaw is the Publicity Manager for Chelmsford Theatre Workshop in Springfield Road, Chelmsford (opposite Chelmsford Prison).

SAY NO TO FAG BUTTS

back in late May, a portrayal of life working behind the bar through the eyes of 4 young girls, played

by Gemma Robinson, Catherine Hitchins, Helen Quigley and Caroline Wright (see above) who wouldn’t look out of place in an episode of Towie!

The show was full of bad language, outrageous events and the odd pair of hot pants and went down an absolute storm with the audiences.

Following that was Frost/Nixon - our take on the 2006 West End and Broadway production (which eventually became a movie in 2008) which starred

What would be both appropriate and appreciated is if bars, whose patrons stand outside and discard their fag butts onto the pavement, would take it upon themselves to bloody well clear up after them on a regular basis.

Honestly, walking past that Missoula place the other day was just atrocious, with used fag butts littered everywhere.

It’s bad enough that people who smoke think that it’s perfectly acceptable to be litter louts as well, but the fact is, it isn’t.

Therefore the establishments concerned surely have a duty to clear up after their smoke inhaling customers - so get doing it.

Page 23

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 20/06/2013 14:39 Page 24

That’s a pretty decent view, is that, Wardo!

Congratulations to Tesco It seems to The Edge that Tesco, as a company, come in for an awful lot of criticism, simply due to opening up too many stores.

But you’ll not find this mag bleating about the remarkable and extremely much needed improvements they’ve made to their Springfield Road store, which has completely transformed the place so that it is now (drumroll maestro, please) The Edge’s favourite supermarket in Chelmsford!

If you haven’t visited the store since its improvements, then make sure you pop in there soon, readers, because there’s been a complete and utter transformation.

So in this particular instance, well done Tesco!

P.S. Hi, Natasha!

Edge Reader Spots New Fence Panel Hi, Spotted this lovely bit of new fencing in Newland Springs. Looks like that bodge-it fella you highlighted in last months Edge is working his way all around Chelmsford.

Love the mag.

Ann Boggis

Views are important and this is the view out of the apartment window that Edge columnist Steve Ward (see page 27) currently inhabits, in down town New York. Not bad, huh?

However, talk about reluctant to have this photograph published!

I’d asked Steve what sort of a view he had months ago, when he first got a job transfer to NY, but it only occurred to me recently that you lot might want to take a look at it too.

Hey, maybe this could be the start of a whole new Edge feature whereby ‘me colonists’ show you readers the view out of their homes?

Then again, maybe not, as I very much doubt any one of ’em could beat this!

LOCAL PORNOGRAPHER

KNOCK KNOCK

Those 50 Sheds of Grey quotes on page 28, readers....your local, friendly pornographer Will Hutton of Erotic Fantasy wants you all to know that you’ve got ’im to thank for ’em, cos it was ’im wot leant The Edge the book!

Apparently Scotland Yard have bashed down the wrong front door 900 times in the past 3 years, costing the taxpayer more than £366,000 in compensation claims last year alone.

We’ve seen the Old Bill on their early morning raids in TV dramas, haven’t we, readers? Where they muller someone’s front door down using what looks like the base of an old black fire extinguisher.

I’d be well pissed off if they ever did it to The Edge’s front door....... instead of the door of that fat ugly cow who lives just around the corner and has got nothing better to do than waste police time by calling them out because one of her fucking garden gnomes has gone missing, the stupid fat twat.

CHECK IT OUT Google the Chang Kong Cliff Road and let The Edge know whether you would, or not, readers?

Honest to God, I reckon good ol’ Health & Safety would have a field day with their signs and their bollards and their plastic tape if that particular byway happened to be in Chelmsford.

It actually makes following the Yellow Brick Road seem as though it’s a sane and proper thing to do.

Clarins Skin Spa 3 Tri-Active Facial Offer Treat your skin to some TLC. Book a course of 3 results-driven Tri-Active Facials* and only pay for 2 at the Clarins Skin Spa.

Recognise this pretty young Chelmsford restaurant manager & you could win a free meal out for four!

All you’ve got to do is put a name to the face and contact the restaurant concerned and say, “Your name’s Hilda at the Wagon & Horses” (or whatever) and you could win a FREE meal out for four people at the restaurant concerned.

Then again, you might not as both she and they don’t even know that this particular photograph is appearing....and what do they say?

That’s right, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE MEAL! So once again, readers, The Edge is offering you ABSOLUTELY NOTHING....and quite right too.

Page 24

Experience the ultimate beauty benefits of regular facials.

Our results-driven Tri-Active Facials use only the purest plant extracts and aromatic essential oils to leave you feeling wonderfully relaxed with noticeably more radiant and youthful looking skin.

Limited Offer Book a course of 3 results-driven Tri-Active facials and only pay for 2.

A saving of £65**.

Plus exclusively to Debenhams Chelmsford, the first 50 customers to book and pay for their treatments will also receive two special size products!

Offer available at Debenhams Chelmsford only until Sunday 7th July.

Please call the Skin Spa team on 01245 258695 to book.

Debenhams Chelmsford, 27 High Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1DA. Appointments subject to availability. Not to be used in conjunction with any other Clarins offer.

All appointments to be booked by 7 July 2013. Courses must be paid for in full at the time of booking. *Mrs Edge has had one and said, “It’s the best facial I’ve ever had!” **Based on full price of 80 minute treatment.

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 21:36 Page 25

Bloke’s Getting The Hang Of It Now Blimey, since last months editions hit-the-streets, some bloke on Chelmer Village Way has added a second ‘MEFP’ (masterfully erected fence panel) to the one he’d already hastily erected to no doubt fill-a-gap....and by the looks of things he’s proper getting the hang of it now.

What’s ’is name? Yosser Hughes by any chance?

“Gissa job. I can do that. I can do anything, me. Erecting fence panels? No problem. Gissa ’ammer and giss some nails and t’job’ll be a good un.”

The way these two panels ‘blend in’ is the hallmark of all decent fencing and bodge-job repairs.....the fact that no-one can see it’s been mended.

Honest readers, when S.H. of Chancellor Pork (yep, I meant that deliberate butchery mistake) recontacted The Edge to say that old matey-boy had been up to his tricks again, I actually had to drive by a couple of times before I even spotted where it was, such is the chameleonlike expertise of this wonderful piece of craftsmanship.

In fact, readers, you know when a double-glazing company are replacing the windows of a house, or erecting a conservatory, they often put a board outside said premises that advertises themselves?

Well The Edge is surprised old Yosser never erected an equally hastily hand-painted sign outside his house advertising his very own majestic fencing repair service.

S N V

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136 MOULSHAM STREET, CHELMSFORD. TEL: 01245 290099 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 25

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 21:37 Page 26

WINDOWS OF THE SOUL Much to my chagrin I recently had to attend the Doctors. Regular readers will know I despise admitting any sort of failing in my body (even though I’m well aware it’s actually pretty old and knackered these days) and prefer to keep any sort of medical interaction confined to problems of the “Is that my lower intestine protruding from the gash in my stomach?” variety.

This time, however, I had a problem with my eyes and, as well as them being sore, red and generally really bastard annoying, I was also getting blurred vision and not of the good old ‘halfway down a bottle of whiskey’ type. I’m sure that most of you will agree that being able to see is usually pretty handy and that a visit to the quacks was probably justified at this point in time.

ME & MY adamantium skeleton “What giant clock?”

The Kingmeister reports

OK, maybe not you, Stevie.

As it turned out there was nothing really wrong, apart from my tear ducts not working properly which, in turn, was making my eyes really dry and irritable, a problem quickly solved with the purchase of a tube of fake tears that I have to squirt into my eyes a few times a day. To be honest, I actually thought the Doctor was taking the piss when he said I’d have to do that, but it turns out it’s an actual thing readily available over the counter, though naturally I pay a bit more for mine as I demanded real tears that have been harvested from orphans at Christmas, which is a fairly niche market.

Before I went to the Docs, however, I did what we all do now, namely type my symptoms into Google and immediately panic when it informed me of my impending eye sight demise, infested as they obviously were with those Bore-Worms that Klytus used on Princess Aura in Flash Gordon.

Insert ‘Heavenly Body’ joke here.

Obviously it’s a little embarrassing having to excuse myself to squirt fake tears into my eyes, but I like to look on the bright side and believe being unable to cry pretty much makes me Conan the Barbarian who couldn’t cry either. Yes, I am looking into hiring a little Asian thief to cry for me too.

While I knew that my eyes were an important part of the Kingpin jigsaw, it wasn’t until I started looking into it properly that I realised just how much

Page 26

they do for you, or how much sight was the tyrannical overlord of our five senses.

Yes, I said five. If anyone is thinking of a sixth sense, then please come over and run directly into my outstretched fist several times.

Vision is the most dominant of all our senses and can and does override all other senses with an alarming regularity. The McGurk Effect is when your eyes decide to tell your ears what they’re actually hearing based on what you’re seeing. (Was that sentence as confusing to read as it was to write?)

The easiest example can be seen on YouTube where a guy repeats, “Bah, bah, bah...” over and over again.

At some point they change it so he appears to be saying “Fah, fah, fah...” and that’s exactly what you hear.

Only the thing is that they only changed the image and not the sound. At no point does he actually stop saying “Bah” but your eyes have just told your ears to stop being so bloody stupid by deciding what they’re hearing for you. The McGurk Effect is apparently lessened when dealing with familiar faces, but when talking to strangers your eyes can decide what they’re saying to you based on as little as what they’re wearing, or what they happen to be holding.

I can only imagine the conversational hi-jinx that would ensue

OK, but hearing isn’t a physical sensation, is it? Not like, say, eating food and how it tastes? Nope, your eyes don’t care about that either and they’ll change the taste of your food not only according to its colour, but even the colour of the plate it’s served on.

Wine tasters (a ‘profession’ that’s scientifically referred to as being ‘full of shit’) were given a white wine and then a red to taste before spouting off their usual bollocks about “autumnal bitterness with a smoky aroma” or something equally absurd so they could sound totally pretentious.

But unfortunately they were talking about exactly the same wine and the white just had some red dye added to it. This simple change in colour meant the eyes were expecting red wine, so they told their tongues exactly what they should be experiencing.

The colour of the plate changing the way things taste is harder to rationalise, but for a quick Kingpin culinary tip you should apparently serve your desserts on a white plate as that will make them taste even sweeter.

(I haven’t tried that one myself yet but I’m willing to work through an entire gateau in the name of science for you all sometime soon!)

We can’t blame the eyes for everything though. They couldn’t do any of this without the gleeful participation of the brain, an organ that I have mentioned before is a lying, scheming lunatic nestled inside our skulls.

Acting in diabolical concert, our eyes and our brain have an unfortunate tendency to make objects completely disappear from our vision via the wonders of ‘motion-induced blindness’. To be fair to the treacherous little shits, this is actually our eyes and our brain trying to help us out.

Because we’re bombarded with so much sensory data they try and lessen the load by filing certain things under the ‘not worth worrying about’ category to save us the bother. This isn’t so bad when you’re sitting down, but it has an unfortunate tendency to happen to us while we’re driving, or when pilots are flying a plane.

Luckily pilots are specifically trained not to focus on any object for longer than a few seconds to reduce the risk of motion-induced blindness, but even a small risk of them not seeing another plane or, you know, the ground, is a bit much for me.

What’s even better is that these sort of brain-eye tag team shenanigans aren’t just confined to inanimate objects either, they can actually make you forget your own limbs. You can see a great example of this on YouTube too called ‘The Rubber Hand Trick’. Basically a woman has one of her hands hidden from view while a rubber one is placed next to her other, visible hand. When someone touches her hidden hand she ‘feels’ the sensation in the rubber one as that’s the one she can see.

It really is that frighteningly simple.

In one video the researchers hit the rubber hand with a hammer and she actually flinches as she expects pain.

What’s even stranger is that once your eyes and brain have decided the rubber hand is actually yours, they begin to forget about the real one completely, as can be shown by the fact that they restrict blood flow to it and it noticeably drops in temperature.

Think about that for a second. Just because you can’t see it anymore your hand is now being affected on a physiological, measurable level which is actually pretty insane. This is called ‘proprioception’ and there are any number of ways to trick your eyes and brain that bits of you no longer exist anymore.

Apparently one of the easiest ways is the scientifically endorsed method of drinking lots and lots of wonderful booze. Being a true scientist, I always like to test any such hypothesis, so I’m off to give that one a go right now.

EDITOR’S NOTE What a right bloody interesting column, Kingpin, lad.

So what you’re saying is, if I was to kick you full on in your bollocks whilst wearing a wooden pair of Dutch clogs with spikes around the toecap, if your eyes were telling you I looked like a gerbil wearing pink fluffy slippers, you wouldn’t feel a thing?

That is amazing is that, lad.

Tell you what’s also strange/weird ....I took one look at that ’plane flying into Big Ben’ picture that accompanied your column this month and imagined you’d be writing about a potential terrorist attack upon London. That’s called ‘picture association’ is that.

Probably.

Any road, well done and let’s hope the readers enjoyed it too.

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 21:37 Page 27

FEELING HORNY

optional by most drivers, and as a consequence gridlock at a junction is a common happenstance.

When this occurs, someone a few cars back who can’t see the problem, but can see a green light, will lean on their horn. This starts a chain reaction, because let’s face it, if someone else is being that assertive, you are clearly some sort of Jessie if you aren’t joining in, and preferably making even more noise.

The headline got you reading this far, right? Sadly, you’re in for a bitter disappointment if it’s an expose of Sex In The City you were expecting - someone already did that one. No, this month’s missive doesn’t so much detail the view from 42nd and Ninth, as the sound of the street some 27 floors below.

There are certain things that define most cities London has its red buses and distinctive taxi cabs.

Paris has a view of the Eiffel Tower from everywhere you stand, or so it seems, Rome has traffic with a complete disregard for any sort of rules, and Brussels, well, Brussels is the exception because it doesn’t have anything.

If asked what defines New York, many people would say steaming manholes, which are a rarity in truth, and the constant sound of car horns. The manholes are a cinematic shorthand for New York. They are unique(ish) and look dramatic, so it’s no surprise that directors like to get them into films or TV shows whenever they can.

Anyway, as you’ll have gathered from the title, it’s not steam that will drive this one, but car horns.

In the UK a car’s hooter is used sparingly. It’s verging on socially unacceptable to make a lot of noise with it. You are allowed to use your horn in only three very specific circumstances. Firstly, when you are picking someone up and instead of the hassle of getting out and knocking on the door to say you’ve arrived, a brief toot-toot is an acceptable form of telling them that you are waiting outside.

The second time a quick touch of the horn button is OK is when someone ahead of you at the junction hasn’t noticed the lights have changed. And the only other time a car horn can be used without fear of

being given disapproving looks by passers-by is when someone has cut you up and a longer and more anger filled blast is allowable. It will usually be accompanied by a mouthed “arse’ole” and maybe a finger too. It makes you feel slightly better, but admit it, you seethe with resentment for hours afterwards.

Here, the horn button is not so much an occasionally used accessory, but more like the steering wheel.

That is, driving is impossible without it. The New York driving test actually requires you to be able to drive, speak on a phone, and hold your hand on the horn for more than five seconds all at the same time. OK, that’s a lie, but it sometimes seems like a truth.

The horn is used by everyone, often, and in a number of different circumstances. Let’s look at a few of those scenarios, bearing in mind that this city is built on a grid system in the main, so you can’t actually drive more than a couple of hundred yards without encountering a set of lights.

Just as in the UK, at junctions there are boxes drawn on the street that you aren’t supposed to enter unless your exit is clear. The rule is treated as

Taxi drivers, unsurprisingly, have a horn-code all of their own. On the rare chance that they can approach a junction at speed, they will do so with foot to the floor. It’s almost as if they have so few opportunities to get out of second gear that when one comes along, boy do they make the most of it.

There will be a few straggling pedestrians who have started to cross when they really shouldn’t have.

The cabbie, decent honest soul that he is, would prefer not to kill anyone - that involves far too much paperwork - so from about 100 yards away he’ll put his hand on the horn and leave it there until he’s past the junction leaving pedestrians shaken, not stirred, and scattered around the roadside.

Even when the walkers are perfectly entitled to cross, it doesn’t stop the more aggressive drivers from giving them a blast, just to demonstrate the natural superiority of anyone in a car, and to make sure they don’t dawdle.

The noise and aggression on the roads is something you get used to and don’t even notice after a while. That is, you get used to it if you were a born city dweller. Those of a more sensitive nature find it too stressful and just a slightly mad way for humans to behave. Neither attitude is right or wrong, just proof once again that there are different strokes for different folks.

Which is a good thing.

&

BORED SHITLESS? & If you’re a Yummy Mummy, have had some advertising sales experience in the past and sometimes get bored shitless during the week, then The Edge wants to hear from you.

It needs someone to knock on a few doors, contact a few advertising agencies... In short, it needs someone who is willing to put themselves about a bit and who is happy to get paid on a commission only basis (i.e. you get paid on what you sell).

Naturally this won’t suit many of you, but then The Edge isn’t after many of you...it’s only after one.

ONE PERSON who can fulfill this challenging role.

YOU: Clearly money won’t be your primary motivation.

You might be a Yummy Mummy; then again, you might not be.

Whatever and whoever you are, you will be a regular Edge reader.

Hours to suit (after all, it’s entirely up to you how much you put in).

In the first instance send an email to The Edge editor.

Not really interested in your CV, but include it if it makes you feel better.

And obviously your contact details...

EDGE

the The Edge 077 646 797 44

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 27

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 22:01 Page 28

DEEP TOW-BAR JOY

#

How sexy is my new tow-bar, eh, readers?

The last thing I ever wanted - ever was a tow-bar fitting to me motor.

But with the eventual arrival of Spring & Summer and camping trips down to Dorset, the only way to transport me and the wife’s

Far better than the original version By a bloke called C. T. Grey who clearly knows what he’s talking about. Dedicated to his Dad, which is lovely. And you can read it all within an hour.... mountain bikes and The Fuckwit’s tandem was to get a tow-bar fitted to the arse-end of my car.

So I did.

Check it out (see above).

Now that’s what The Edge calls a tow-bar.....one that you can’t bloody well see!

It’s a Westfalia detachable tow-bar supplied and fitted by a company called Westbroom Engineering of Colchester and it may cost one hundred sheets more than your regular tow-bar, but so far as The Edge is concerned, like L’Oreal, it’s damn well worth it!

Lazy folk on bicycles are giving cyclists a bad name What is with all this riding on the pavement and cycling the wrong way up/down one-way streets?

Cyclists don’t do that, but ignorant folk on bicycles - who are a totally different breed - do and seemingly members of the general public cannot tell them/us apart.

“No, madam, you do not necessarily have to wear lycra to be a proper, bone fide cyclist.”

All you have to have is manners.

There ought to be on-the-spot fines for cyclists creating such misdemeanours and that’s an Edge fact.

3 Lame Ducks You know when you get a really dull Sunday and all you fancy doing is watching movies and eating popcorn?

Well, I doubt any of you could have chosen three worse movies than we did the other weekend.

Killing Them Softly (Brad Pitt), The Bourne Legacy (Jeremy Renner) and The Master (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix).

I honestly couldn’t see the point of any of them and I hated them all equally.....whereas I just loved Jack Reacher and Gangster Squad, which are proper movies.

Page 28

‘It was damp, uncomfortable and didn’t last very long, but it’s true what they say - you never forget your first shed.’

From that very first encounter I was hooked; I just couldn’t get enough of S&M - sheds and mowers.’

‘I stared longingly through the shed window and adjusted my trousers.

The sight of her dewy, slightly unkempt lawn had awoken my inner gardener.’

‘I do have one fetish, I admitted.

MILFS - mowers I’d like to fix.’

‘My whole body shuddered as she entered my Man Cave. I really must get a padlock put on my shed door.’ ‘“I am your master,” I commanded, “you will obey my every rule.” With that she just rolled her eyes and walked out of my shed, never to be seen again. Damn cat.’ ‘“Yes, mistress,” I replied. I didn’t dare argue with her as I bent over the shed workbench, as I could see she had a strop on. At least that’s what I think they’re called.’

‘My heart raced to see her lush, untendered lawn - such a rare and wondrous sight - whereas nowadays the tendency is for just a small strip, or no lawn at all.’ ‘’We each dropped our keys into the bowl. Before long we’d be entering a whole world of forbidden delights. God, how I loved those shed swapping parties.’

‘My body writhed and quivered in agony from the pain. Damn it, who had left an upturned plug on the floor of my shed?’

‘So this was it - it was definitely going to happen. Every man’s ultimate fantasy - three in a shed.’

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 22:02 Page 29

HAPPY WHEN IT RAINS Gardening enthusiasm is like an official stamp of oldness. It’s a mere double-footed slipper away from being geriatric.

Let’s face it, garden centres aren’t filled with teenagers and there is little school yard talk of geraniums.

Gardening is the remit of the elderly and as I myself have become a gardener I am now aging too. Instead of getting annoyed, I’m happy when it rains as I know that the water will be doing my plants some good.

My garden had been in a slightly neglected state so this spring I decided to sort it out. It seemed like an ideal outdoor activity that me and my little boy could enjoy together.

Last year ‘The Boy’ would go ballistic at the noise of a strimmer or lawn mower which made gardening and looking after him on my own very difficult. I kept the lawn clear for ‘The Boy’ to play on but left the rest of the garden to do its own (wild) thing. I ended up with a range of non desirable weeds growing, including massive dandelions which I actually quite liked. ‘The Boy’ liked them too as he could play dandelion clocks by blowing the seeds.

(;: ,853 :.+ 353+4: .

During the winter I had left an old TV and some other stuff out there due for the tip. Stage one of my garden rescue was to get rid of the unnecessary junk and clutter. As I shifted the old tele I

found that a rather large frog had been living under it. Homeless and probably terrified, it hopped into a patch of weeds. At the other end of the garden ‘The Boy’ had left his inflatable car. I moved this to find that a slow worm had been living underneath and it also fled for some weeds. So that was home number two destroyed as well and unfortunately for both the frog and the slow worm that had taken refuge in the weeds, stage two on the garden agenda was weeding.

I had trifid sized weeds so I used weed killer to give me a tactical advantage over some of the bigger ones before full battle commenced digging over the flower beds. This once more unhomed the frog and the slow worm and also uncovered a separate nest of baby slow worms which moved out as soon as their secret home was exposed. Various other snails, caterpillars, millipedes and other creatures gradually lost their homes too as I removed the weeds and dug the soil over.

My attempt to bring nature into my garden had destroyed the habitat of several species and all I had to show for it was that once green and colourful areas filled with wildlife had become brown patches of dirt. I was not convinced that this was actually progress. What defines a weed anyway? Who decided that the easy-to-grow sector of plants such as dandelions and nettles are the hooligan scum of the garden world, whereas plants that are difficult to grow are like the Posh & Becks?

Stage three was grass repair. I have used different grass seeds and feeds but so far I haven’t grown any grass with any of them. I’ve grown something else that I didn’t expect instead; pigeons. I had never realised they grew from a seed, but if you put keep putting grass seed down in your garden, water it, care for it, then what you end up with is pigeons. Not grass.

by Robert Rutherford Stage four was planting. As I have no idea what I’m doing I just bought several bags of dirt and a load of seeds. I figured that if I planted some of every flower and vegetable seed on offer at Wilko’s then something would grow and I would end up with at least one plant to look at and another to eat. Joining in with the pigeons, blackbirds ate a range of flower seeds that were labeled as ‘scatter and grow’. Honestly, they should have been called ‘scatter and crow’.

[True story but poor pun – I’m sorry – that sentence could be cut to: ‘Joining in with the pigeons feast blackbirds also ate a range of flower seeds.’]

The ironic thing is that last year I bought bird feeders and seed but couldn’t encourage the birds into my garden at all. Now I don’t want them they’re having a garden party. I go out in the morning to a Hitchcockesque scene of birds threateningly sitting in rows along the fences, looking menacingly at my seeds. "

Despite my lack of green fingers, both me and ‘The Boy’ are enjoying the garden much more this year. I am genuinely excited to see new plants sprouting and ‘The Boy’ is genuinely excited digging holes and spraying the hosepipe over the fence into the neighbour’s garden. *No amphibians were killed in the creation of this article - just made homeless.

A better way to divorce?

If you are facing a breakdown of your relationship, the things that you may dread the most are how you can sort out the finances; the house; the children. The thought of arguing and going to court is both frightening and expensive. There is, however, another way.

Collaborative Family Law is a process where you and your spouse have your own solicitor, but instead of being adversarial, you work together to find the right solutions to your problems. You agree that you will not resort to court proceedings and by having a series of meetings you can reach agreement on all of the things that matter to you. These can be things that the court can not help you with because of the way the traditional court system operates.

You set the pace of the process, you set the agenda, and you make the decisions. Your lives are not left in the hands of the courts or the judges.

At a time when the court system is becoming even more pressured due to cut backs, the collaborative process can offer a far quicker resolution.

Many people are finding the collaborative process a better way to divorce and come away feeling satisfied that they have aired their views and reached an agreement that will work. Children have especially benefited from their parents dealing with their divorce in a collaborative way as they see their parents working together rather than arguing about them.

Collaborative Family lawyers are trained to deal with separation in the collaborative way and are experienced family lawyers committed to providing a professional service to their clients. Most collaborative lawyers will offer a free chat about collaborative law to see if it would suit you.

For more information, contact Teresa Foss on 01245 349696, email: tfoss@thblegal.com or & visit www.thblegal.com. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 29

The Edge 201_The Edge 172.qxd 19/06/2013 22:05 Page 30

TOTALLY TRACIE OMG! In true Essex Girl fashion I’ve been hearing some awful internet dating stories this past month, so thanks very much for sending them to me. I have to admit that whilst I’ve sympathised with some of you back and forth by email, some have also had me in stitches of laughter.

A lady Edge reader, who I promised not to name and shame, only I simply can’t resist it, so sorry, Jill (Henderson), got in touch and told me about her internet date from hell. She said she had been speaking to a lovely guy from the dating site plentyoffish.com for ages; they had done all the ’phone calls, chatting for hours at a time, finding out all about their own individual likes and dislikes and sexual preferences (as you do). Naturally they exchanged photographs of each other, although Jill later admitted that his were a bit distant, plus the fact that he was always sitting down. So they eventually arranged to meet up and apparently the guy had told her he had a really fun sense of humour and loved playing practical jokes. (For me that would have been a cue to run!) But bless her Jill, like a woman possessed, was so excited she was already dreaming of a white weddings, flowers and a silver dinner service because she honestly felt as though he might be ‘the one’ (and haven’t we all been there, girls?).

So Jill’s big day finally arrived and they agreed to meet at Cafe Rouge in the centre of Chelmsford. Jill arrived early and sat waiting at the bar, full of trepidation and with butterflies in her stomach (or was it just wind?), when eventually in trots a man of miniscule proportions. Jill told me, “I’m only 5ft 4”, but I towered above him.” Seemingly the guy had mistyped 5ft 9” instead of just 4ft 9” by mistake. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he also had a fair old mouthful of teeth on him. Jill says she immediately had an attack of the giggles so practical joker ‘Diddyman’ said to her, “What’re you laughing767705. at?” Once had*6<5;? composed <7 Jill 05 6<9 6 herself she said, “Please take those 3 ridiculous teeth out. I know you said you are a bit of a practical joker, but I honestly can’t take you seriously whilst you’re wearing them. Only guess what? They were his real blinking teeth! So Jill said she had to endure dinner whilst wishing the ground would swallow her up whole.

At the end of the evening, when he asked her for a kiss, Jill says she could take no more and fled screaming down the underpass to get away from him.

And the moral of this story is that when looking at people’s photos, make sure you ask them to send you one with a big cheesy smile whilst standing next to Page 30

something like a telephone box so you can gauge their height and proportions.

But it’s not just the women who’ve been running screaming from their dates this past month. I also heard from a guy called Derek Long who was having a right old moan up at me.

Apparently Derek arranged to meet a woman in The Fox & Raven at Chelmer Village the other Thursday evening from the dating website ‘Elite Women’. In her profile the lady concerned said she competed in pentathlons, so Derek confessed he had visions of a 35 year old blonde bombshell with some exceedingly sexy/fit proportions to rival a goddess. But what actually arrived, in Derek’s own words, not mine, was....wait for it....“Fecking Godzilla.” When he gently quizzed the lady concerned about her size (he actually said, “You look much larger than I’d imagined from your photographs”) she replied that she had “put on a few pounds” since they were taken as she had suffered an injury and was unable to train. Derek told me he reckoned “judging by the size of the arse on it” the injury must have been about 15 years ago!

What’s more, she promptly polished off a bottle of wine, starters, mains and two rounds of ice cream waffles and syrup.

Being the gentleman that Derek undoubtedly is, he politely ate just to keep her company, only pretty soon afterwards made an excuse to go outside and use his ’phone as he said he had to call the office as couldn’t get a signal inside... whereupon he promptly legged it, leaving poor old Godzilla to pick up the tab!

“Thank God I hadn’t told her where I lived,” confessed Derek.

And the moral of this particular tale is think Fatima Whitbread next time a woman mentions any kind of athletic tendencies and not Jessica Ennis.

By the way, if the lady in question is readings this, please note that I didn’t call you Godzilla - Derek did - and if you want his work address to get some money off him, just let me know!

So if those two stories haven’t scared you enough, do you realise that it is estimated that one-in-every-three couples who’re out in a pub or a restaurant these days are out on an internet date? That’s a pretty high statistic.

Internet dating is clearly not for the faint hearted though and you’ve also got to wade through all of the potential options without photographs of themselves too but then who would date someone without first seeing a photograph? You just know they’re going to be (a) awful or (b) worse still, married.

Then you’ve got to do all of the emailing and lying before actually meeting up and back up what you’ve said on-line (and given that we always lie through our teeth when it comes to writing out our CVs, you can only imagine what lies are told in dating profiles). Honestly, I’ve even heard stories where men have sent their friends into the pub ahead of them to make sure the prospective date is not a munter. And I’ve also heard of women with code words on their ’phones which they text to their friend who’s waiting up the road if the man turns out to be a bit of a weirdo and, right on cue, up turns their mate with an epic (false) emergency story that requires she does an immediate disappearing act.

These days it truly is a scary world out there, so next time you see a woman screaming down an underpass in Chelmsford, or a man legging it out of a pub, clutch your loved one’s arm that little bit tighter and thank your lucky stars that it’s not you.

Tracie123@aol.com

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