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When You Talk to Yourself, Who Answers?
When You Talk to Yourself, Who Answers?
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By Noelle Sterne
Inside our heads, we’re always talking to ourselves. We hear many voices, and most of the time they’re far from friendly: “Hey, stupid, use the big bowl for all that pasta!” “The Phillips screwdriver, idiot!” “You want to do that? You must be kidding! You’re too old, tired, fat, lazy.” Voices like these seem to whirl around endlessly. Psychologists call them the superego, inner judge, censor, internalized parent, and many other fancy names. A friend dubbed them “the bad priests.” As you no doubt already know, these harsh, negative voices are insistent, tenacious, and stubborn. They easily dominate our minds. The more we try to ignore or quiet them, the more they clamor for attention. The East Indians name this part of the mind a “drunken monkey,” always chattering and condemning. You may not believe it yet, but you can ignore that unruly creature, shut it out, starve it, and listen to another voice instead that’s much more on your side. “Who the heck,” you may reasonably ask, “would that be?” Beneath the frenzied surface of our daily trivia, endless judgments, catalogues of chores, and swirling wisps of past regrets and future fears, this voice is our Inner Guide, our Voice, who lives untouched, inviolate, quiet. The Voice has many names: inner knowing, intuition, right brain, soul, higher power, inner self, true voice, Jesus, Holy Spirit, God, your heart, your gut. Over the centuries, many people have acknowledged and developed it—artists, scientists, great leaders, enlightened beings, philosophers, and countless others like you and me. Most of the time, though, the Voice has been talked of or written about largely by mystics, and it’s been reserved for saints or schizophrenics.
THE VOICE BECOMES MORE HEARD
With the current exciting reawakening of spiritual consciousness throughout our culture, the Voice has again become respectable, even though with other names. It’s being rediscovered as a quality we all have and can develop. Marianne Williamson describes our Inner Voice beautifully: We are graced with a greater capacity for direct contact with our own higher power than most of us are in the habit of using. When we stay close to the wisdom of our own knowing, seeking solutions to our problems in the sanctuary of the heart and not in the vanity of the mind, then we can pretty much trust in the unfolding, mysterious wisdom of life. (“Meditation,” O, The Oprah
Magazine, October 2000, p. 119)
As we lose our society’s embarrassment about and resistance to drawing on resources other than the material and tangible, we gain the strength to recognize the value and virtue of our Inner Voice. It’s resurfacing not only in inspirational writings like Williamson’s, but even in the popular media, a testament to our society’s hunger for spiritual content. For example, the book: Feeling Fate: A Memoir of Love, Intuition, and Spirit by Joni Sensel. Inner listening is recommended in everything from diet advice (“Hear your body’s cravings for broccoli”) to clothes (“That purple shirt is crying out to you”) to dating (“Your stomach does flip-flops when you study his eyebrows, and it’s not indigestion”) to daily living (“Do you know when the phone will ring before it does?”) to major decision-making, like Sensel, with finding a place to live or otherwise (“Something’s prodding you to take that job offer”). All this acknowledgment doesn’t mean the Inner Voice is easy to find or listen to, even though we read about it or hear dramatic accounts of how other people found theirs. I think especially of Elizabeth Gilbert’s dramatic and irreverent account in Eat, Pray, Love the first time she heard her Voice—in the middle of the night as she sobbed on the bathroom floor about her unbearable marriage (pp. 15-16). She asked the Something what to do. The answer came swift and sure: “Go back to bed, Liz.” Immediate and eminently sensible. Later, she became clearer on the actions to take. No one else’s experience, though, can substitute for our own. Like life, each of us must go through the stages ourselves.
WHY BOTHER?
Why should you care about finding your Inner Voice? Why is it so important? Like a kid pushed to violin lessons, you may be whining, “Aw, do I have to?” No, you don’t. But here’s a good reason to take the lessons: If you don’t cultivate your Voice, you’ll never get to trust yourself—or your life. You won’t be able to succeed at the forgiving self-dialogues that help you see your past in a newer, more wholesome light. If you’re no longer fighting the idea, let me help you locate your Inner Voice, separate it from all the others, and then foster it. In our sophisticated know-it-all or know-where-to-get-it-all culture, unlike our teachings about manners and the pursuit of money and ever more information, we have valued this Voice very little or taught its importance. Despite our culture’s increasing and encouraging openness about spiritual matters, most of us find the concept of the Voice strange and slightly suspect. We need strong intent, determination, and courage to recognize it.
RECOGNIZE
Of the many voices that drown out our Inner Voice, the most insidious is the Inner Judge. This is the master negator and torpedoer, the ultimate disapproving and demeaning parent, the ever-demanding, never-sated grumpy god to which we’ve all sacrificed too much psychic energy and too many years. You probably know it well. Every time you do something good, solve something, or get a great idea, this is the voice that instantly trumpets, “Ridiculous! Who do you think you are? It will never work. Are you crazy? Don’t you know all the things that will go wrong? Let me count the ways.” How, then, to turn off this endless doom-saying loop? I’ve learned, through much mind-gnashing, that to try to suppress it is almost impossible. It’s as stubborn as weeds. If you try to grind it into the ground, it will spring up again the minute you lift your foot. If you try to reason it to sleep, it will stay awake forever, cackle, and stare at you all night with hollow glee.
REPLACE
The better line of attack is to replace that ominous voice with more productive messages—following some principle we were supposed to learn in middle school science class—something about two things being unable to exist in the same place at the same time. The replacement principle can be triggered with many techniques. Here are several powerful ones.
TALK BACK
Shout that monkey down. Give it some of its own medicine. Tell it, with all the force you can muster, “Shut up! You’re wrong! I am not crazy! I’ve never been saner, and you’re not gonna stop me!” Even if you don’t quite believe your own retorts, shout them anyway. Bellow as if you believe.
DO AFFIRMATIONS
As you may know, affirmations are wonderful, elevating replacements that quiet the Inner Judge. A version of verbal prayer, they have been used for centuries. Many books contain excellent affirmations. Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life is one of my favorites. At the end of every chapter, she has a meditation that sends you to
the stars. Although specific to the subject, each begins with this: “In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole and complete.” You can also create your own affirmation for any event, circumstance, person, or quality you want to feel better about. Follow only one rule: Always decree your affirmations in the present tense. Here are some broad-spectrum ones to spark your own: • I am worthy of all good in my life. • I deserve to love and be loved. • I forgive myself and I am forgiven. • All I need is here now. • I hear my true Voice now. • I am guided in this situation to the right words, decisions, and actions.
PRAY
It’s okay. Praying doesn’t commit you to going to church on Sundays or major holidays or joining committees. If you need reassurance, prayer too has made it into the mainstream media. A while ago, an article in a supermarket magazine recommended prayer for stress and recounted the stories of people who prayed for guidance in conquering, among other things, marital discord, fears and even to-do lists (Diane Benson Harrington, “Pray Away Stress: A Soothing Strategy,” Family Circle, January 20, 2004, pp. 30, 32-33). Current magazines and Internet features report almost daily on prayer as a force in solving problems, either in helping physical maladies, how-to articles, or summaries of studies with 4,256 people in the Republic of Wherever. If you think you don’t know how to pray, take a verse or hymn from childhood, a psalm, or even a Christmas carol, and repeat it to yourself. Or try a contemporary prayer, like one from Marianne Williamson’s Illuminata or Thomas Moore’s Care of the Soul. I often use this statement from A Course in Miracles: “Let every voice but God’s be still in me” (Workbook, p. 411). Silently or aloud, as you repeat a sentence like this or passage of your choice, focus on what it means. Let it saturate your attention. Keep repeating it and feel yourself lifting and lightening, yielding to the Higher Power.
MEDITATE
Although it’s close to prayer, meditation doesn’t need to have a religious connotation or mysterious quality. You don’t have to join an East Indian monastery or never lose your temper. Like prayer, today meditation is even more routinely written about and advised in magazines and online sites along with diets, relationships, kid-raising, and certainly stress. If you still don’t get it, look at Stephan Bodian’s Meditation for Dummies. Meditation is basically simple: In a quiet place, with no distractions, take a few deep breaths. Choose a word, phrase or sentence, or one of your affirmations. The important thing is to pick something that grabs you or has special meaning. It doesn’t have to be an esoteric mantra, or right according to any authority. It only has to be right for you. Say it steadily, without pressing or hurry. • Here are some examples: • Peace • One • Love • Ahhhh • Joy • I am whole • I have all I need • I like myself • My world is established in Divine Order • God is with me • “In quiet I receive God’s Word today” (A Course in Miracles, Workbook, p. 220)
A WARNING
A caution, though: When you meditate, your Inner Judge, that old drunken monkey outraged at your audacity, will do its utmost to get your attention. It will likely succeed more than a few times, with all manner of ridicule, condemnations, and barrages of random thoughts, scenes, worries, and lists. Recognize its antics and just keep coming back to your chosen meditative words. Like a good parent to yourself, be patient, steadfast, and forgiving, shepherding your child-mind to the sidewalk out of traffic. You’re steering your mind out of negativity to determination, selfconfidence, and the good you deserve. Emmet Fox in The Golden Key counsels wisely. Every time a negative thought comes up, he says, “Stop thinking about the difficulty, whatever it is, and think about God instead” (p. 2).
CULTIVATE
Cultivating your Voice takes desire, practice, and patience. Expect to hear it and make room for it. With one of the methods above, you can schedule special undisturbed times for practice. And you can give your Voice a chance in any situation. As you’re getting dressed, having lunch, or driving, consciously tone down the automatic background noises we’re so accustomed to. This may mean resisting the instant
flip of the stereo or news the moment you get up, or tearing your eyes away from the TV in the lunchroom, or pressing off your iPhone earbuds the minute you start the ignition. Cultivating your Voice may mean not grabbing the latest People magazine in the dentist’s office and devouring as much juicy pseudo-news as possible before your name is called. Not grousing to the person next to you while you wait a full 30 minutes on the ATM line. Not showing off your baseball stats while you wait in the car wash. But instead, repeating your word(s) and listening.
TEST
Go ahead. Test your Inner Voice. Find an undistracted spot, mentally and physically. Quiet down. Stop reasoning and figuring. Ask something simple: What should I cook for dinner tonight? Who should I phone next? Should I do this task or that? If 26 things are whirling in your head, you’re not quite ready. Let them stream until they run out. Ask again. As your mind echoes the question you’ve asked, it may come up with some “good reasons” for choosing one over the others. Somehow these don’t convince you, and the whirling continues. Ask again. If there’s no clear-cut answer, just wait. Take a breath. Ask again. Then you’ll hear it. Or maybe feel it, or see the image of it in your mind’s eye. Or just be impelled to start. You’ll know. The answer will feel right and perfect.
YOUR VOICE, YOUR COMPANION
Your Voice is given to you to be developed and used for anything you want or need to know. In all the ways that the Inner Judge condemns you, in reverse the Inner Voice helps you see the past more wholesomely, gain insights into present events, and be guided to and take actions that will benefit you in the future. As you continue to ask, listen, and “converse” with your Inner Voice, you’ll know without doubt and with great peace Who answers when you talk to yourself.
Trust Your Life Now
with Noelle Sterne, Ph.D.
Author, editor, writing coach, workshop leader, and academic mentor, Noelle Sterne has published over 700 stories, essays, writing craft articles, spiritual pieces, and occasional poems in literary and academic print and online venues. Publications have appeared in Author Magazine, Chicken Soup for the Soul (six volumes), Inspire Me Today, LiveWriteThrive, MindBodySpirit, Journal of Expressive Writing, Life and Everything After, Mused, Pen and Prosper, Romance Writers Report, Ruminate, Sasee, Textbook and Academic Authors Association blog (monthly), Thesis Whisperer, Transformation Coaching, Two Drops of Ink (monthly), Unity Daily Word, Unity Magazine, WE Magazine for Women, Women in Higher Education, Women on Writing, Writing and Wellness, Writer’s Digest, and The Writer. Eons ago, she published a children’s book of original dinosaur riddles (HarperCollins), in print for 18 years. With a Ph.D. from Columbia University, for 30 years Noelle has assisted doctoral candidates in completing their dissertations (finally). Her published handbook to assist doctoral candidates is based on her professional academic practice: Challenges in Writing Your Dissertation: Coping with the Emotional, Interpersonal, and Psychological Struggles (Rowman & Littlefield Education, 2015). In Noelle’s spiritual self-help book, Trust Your Life: Forgive Yourself and Go After Your Dreams (Unity Books, 2011), she draws examples from her academic consulting and other aspects of life to support readers in reaching their lifelong yearnings. Continuing with her own, she is draft-deep in her third novel. Her webinar about Trust Your Life can be seen on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95 EeqllONIQ&feature=youtu.be Visit Noelle at her website: http://www.trustyourlifenow.com © 2021 Noelle Sterne
