4 minute read
Steer clear of avoidance
Nobody likes stress and preventing stress sounds like a reasonable way to keep calm and centred. What if I told you that avoiding difficult situations might seem self-protective, but that it can actually do more harm than good? In fact, avoidance behaviour can bring momentary relief, but it is bad for your long-term mental health. Avoiding stressful situations can set up a cycle of behaviour that exacerbates feelings of anxiety and depression, making it much harder to problem solve, cope and heal.
Children are well known for their avoidant behaviour, as they try to sidestep getting into trouble. When adults are engaging in avoidance as a strategy, it is a maladaptive coping skill that offers the mind a short-term and false escape from uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and/or experiences.
Avoidance is a vicious cycle because it does not solve problems; the problems stick around in the form of anxiety and your stress about whatever you are avoiding only increases.
As Brendon Burchard says, “Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering.”
Avoidance can play out in many ways. For example, if someone is experiencing stress in their relationship and instead of confronting the issue they use avoidance as a tactic, other issues arise. Perhaps one becomes passive aggressive or withdraws due to their frustrations. What happens is that the actual issue gets buried under other issues and becomes even more difficult to resolve.
If you avoid having the conversations that are necessary to resolve a conflict in the early stages, it can snowball and bring greater levels of stress.
It is also common for people to avoid negative feelings by engaging in “numbing” behaviours. These behaviours do not solve the problem and as soon as the numbing behaviour stops, the feelings rush back. Numbing behaviours can be excessive alcohol consumption, over-eating or overexercising. Other avoidance coping strategies include escapism or wishful thinking.
While everyone turns to books or movies as a form of escapism from time to time, as soon as it is taking precedence over interacting with loved ones, for example, it classifies as avoidance.
When it comes to wishful thinking, it is important to note that this is not the same as positive thinking. Wishful thinking ignores facts and gives in to delusion. There is no planning or action, only passively hoping that things will work out for the best.
Learning to fix avoidance can mean having to challenge what makes you feel uncomfortable. Facing your fears may seem intimidating, but even small steps can make a big difference. Some techniques include:
1. RECOGNISE AVOIDANCE
Seeing where you are using avoidance as a coping mechanism is the first step to curbing this behaviour. Check in with yourself to see where you are pulling away from your feelings instead of making room for them.
2. FIND THE STRESS RELIEF TECHNIQUES THAT WORK FOR YOU
Whether it is meditation, deep breathing, yoga, journaling, art or other creative outlets, find what works for you and practise it.
3. TAKE BABY STEPS
Stressful situations can seem huge when looking at the mountain in front of you. Breaking the journey down into tiny steps makes it doable. Just take one small step in the direction you want to go and soon you will have climbed the mountain.
4. DEVELOP YOUR SKILLS
Many people avoid conflict because they do not have the skills to resolve conflict peacefully or assert themselves. It is never too late to learn these skills. Today could be the perfect time to start working on the skills that will help improve your life. Practice makes perfect and the only way to get comfortable with hard conversations is to start having them.
The bottom line is that you do not solve problems by avoiding them; you just give yourself an extra helping of stress and anxiety. We cannot escape or outrun difficulties, but we can work through them when we face them. Tackling a problem head on makes us stronger, wiser and more confident about the future.
Kirsty Watermeyer
