The art of not taking things personally

This flight will make you aware once again that when the seatbelt light comes on, acting on it is non-negotiable. While the sign is lit, we happily remain physically seated. Yet, have you noticed how difficult it is to do the same mentally? Have you ever found yourself obsessing about what others think about you? Or dwelling on the rude comment that your mother-in-law made about you the other day? Why do we find it so hard to stay focused on our own mental wellbeing, swerving to focus our attention on others?

In the absolute must-read book – The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz – Ruiz writes that when you take personally what other people say about you, you are actually agreeing with what they are saying. In his words “Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about me.” He points out that “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves… Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.”

So how do we let go of others’ opinions of us?

When you look at the word offence, by definition it is a feeling that is “triggered by a blow to a person’s honour” because it “contradicts a person’s self-concept and identity."

It has been said that the feeling of being offended follows three steps. We identify the cause and interpret it. We then determine the intensity of the feeling based on the image we have of ourselves and finally we react accordingly. Note that owing to our own insecurities we make the decision to take offence from the start of these phases.

In many cases we need to realise that comments or rants directed toward us are not about us at all. As humans we tend to mirror what is going on inside of us, on the outside.

Have you ever noticed that when you are having a bad hair day all you notice is what other people's hair looks like? We do the same thing with our emotional distress. When we are feeling insecure on the inside we project that onto others and notice the same things in them. So next time someone says something to you, take a step back and try to notice what is going on in their lives, they are most likely speaking to themselves.

Another fantastic way to stop letting people upset you is to ditch labels. When you label someone they become that. For instance, if you decide someone is a “bad” person your mind will permanently look for ways to confirm that view to you and you will be offended by them a lot easier than by someone you see as "good." In truth there is no such thing as a good or a bad person, just happy or miserable people reacting to the circumstances they find themselves in.

It is also important to realise that people's pasts affect the way they react to the present. If you have experienced something in the past that your mind perceives to be traumatic, you may be sensitive to similar events in the future. Many times when someone overreacts to a situation it is actually our defence mechanism acting out to prevent a circumstance, which previously ended badly, from repeating itself. For example, if you were humiliated and mocked while you were growing up and a friend makes a playful remark it may reawaken your old defence against being ridiculed. This can create a situation where we feel old feelings of hurt come up. We may overreact to these feelings, often offending others.

There is an ancient philosophy of mental wellbeing: it is the art of not taking things personally. At the end of the day, in any situation, we always have a choice as to whether we want to take others' actions or remarks personally.

We have the right within ourselves to choose our own happiness over what other people think, say or do. Imagine how much more you could get out of life if other people no longer bothered you! When we allow ourselves to be insulted by another, we hand our peace of mind over to them. As Don Miguel Ruiz writes in his book, “As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won’t need to place your trust in what others say or do. You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices. You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you.”

Kirsty Watermeyer