Forget toxic positivity, sadness is absolutely fine

Missed your flight? Forgot to pack your favourite jersey? It’s okay to be sad, in fact sadness is a great teacher and guide. But before sadness can teach us anything we have to learn to be okay with being sad.

Scientists have uncovered that there are actual benefits to being sad. Of course these benefits have their limits and prolonged and intense periods of sadness can be debilitating. Also, this is not to suggest we should induce sadness, but rather to say that the endless pretence of positivity can be toxic and that we should not try to avoid our sadness.

Sadness is an emotion that is usually not highly valued in society, with self-help media promoting ‘positive thinking’ and ‘positive vibes only’, labelling sadness as something to hide away from. This kind of thinking is what is often called ‘kindergarten spirituality’. Striving towards only being ‘positive’ is what keeps us from experiencing the fullness of our emotions, but emotions are meant to be a compass for our lives.

One of my favourite poets, Kahlil Gibran, writes in his poem On Joy and Sorrow:

‘Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.’

In the same poem he goes on to say, 'When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.’

What a stirring thought: our sorrows being born out of that which gave us joy. Another thought for you to ponder is that when we block ourselves off from negative emotions we become unable to truly experience positive ones. By opening yourself to feeling sadness more deeply, you automatically open yourself to more joy at the same time.

Experiencing a wide range of emotions suggests there is something right with us. Each emotion has a purpose and with that a value. The value comes in the guidance each emotion provides us.

As I said earlier, science has discovered that there are actual benefits to sadness, and some of these include improved memory and improved judgement. A study found that on a bright, sunny day when people feel happy their memory was far less accurate than on days when they were sad. What’s more, negative moods have been shown to improve our accuracy of framing judgements about people and places, simply because when we are sad we have a more detailed approach to our thinking style.

Another benefit of sadness is that it is cathartic, it brings relief. Crying is a great example of this. When we cry, we feel better. When we suffer a knock in life, sadness could be representing the bridge we must cross in order to return to happiness.

Sadness has its purpose, it is not something to push away as we search for pretend-positivity. Put beautifully, ‘sadness is a normal response to a wound that is ultimately destined to heal.’

If you want to get in touch with sadness without losing yourself in it, there is something you may want to try:

Journaling

Writing down your feelings can help you tap into sadness in a manageable way.

Meditating

Meditation can help regulate emotions like sadness constructively. Meditation also helps us to accept all parts of ourselves by learning to quietly sit with ourselves.

Ultimately, if you are feeling sad about something in your life, it’s okay to feel that way. Not all behaviours are okay, but all feelings are okay. Sit with your sadness, feel into it to uncover what your sadness is trying to show you as you take the steps along the path back to a state of happiness. While you are in a place of sadness, know that sadness is intertwined with joy, and what brought you joy is bringing you sadness in this moment.

Kirsty Watermeyer