Constructive self-criticism

If you were asked ‘what is the mood in your head like’, what would your answer be? Would you say the central theme in your mind is mostly content or mostly critical? We all know how easy it is to be self-critical and to see our own efforts as lacking. However, we might not know the dangers that this type of thinking brings.

One popular theory about the origins of our internal critic is that it is the internalised voice we grew up with. Meaning that if you grew up in an overly critical environment, where you were constantly criticised by others, you may have developed excessive self-criticism as a method of avoiding failure and thereby more external criticism. Wherever you fall on the spectrum of self-criticism, it’s always good to take a look and see if being this way is helpful or harmful.

We all tend to focus more on our flaws and shortcomings than on our virtues and successes. In fact, research tells us that the brain will react more to negative input than positive, which makes negative things seem even more negative. This means we do not dwell on successes but fixate on failures.

When self-criticism is applied reasonably and in the pursuit of learning and growing, it can be beneficial. This type of self-criticism is known as ‘constructive self-criticism,’ and it is closely related to the concept of self-compassion, which is the tactic of dealing with your own shortcomings or flaws in a compassionate manner.

However, most of the time, we get drawn into comparing our blooper reels to everyone else's highlight reels. We think our differences make us less than others and we start playing the ‘I am not good enough’ record. The real danger with these ‘I am not enough – I am not worth it’ messages in your head is that they can rear their ugly heads through self-sabotaging behaviours. Without realising the belief-behaviour linkage, you will under-prepare for your performance reviews, run away from make-or-break work commitments and pass up on opportunities.

Self-criticism is often a downward spiral that can lead to other problems in our relationships, be it at home or at work. When we become overly self-critical we start to think that everyone else is also judging us and somehow dialling into our tiniest flaws and biggest concerns about ourselves – when usually most people are not focusing on your flaws, in fact they are actually way too preoccupied focusing on their own struggles and flaws. As Criss Jami once said, “the biggest and only critic lives in your perception of people's perception of you, rather than people's perception of you.”

In the digital world we live in, it is easy to get caught up in the idea that your peers have perfect relationships, sports records, or lives because people tend to post on social media only when things are going well. This can lead to feeling as if your own life, compared to others, is less than perfect. This is dangerous territory that will not build you up but rather break you down.

Consider for a moment how you relay critique to a trusted and dear friend. If you had to call them out on their mistakes, you would probably do so in a kind and compassionate manner. Now consider what happens in your own head when you make a mistake. So often when we do something wrong, we call ourselves names like ‘idiot’ or ‘stupid’. You would not stand for a friend calling you those names when you make a mistake. So why is it we speak to ourselves in this way? In truth we are often more critical of ourselves than we would be of other people. You are not one singular thing that you may think, feel, or do. In other words, no single action or outcome defines who you really are.

If we are to build a solid sense of our own unwavering worth, we are not going to get anywhere if our point of departure is name calling and shaming ourselves.

Here are a few things to consider to help reposition the raging critic to more of a helpful friend:

Give yourself permission to suck for a while. Everyone goes through learning curves.

Remember mistakes/failures happen for you, not to you.

Not all criticism is created equal. Decide who gets to criticize you, dismiss the rest. For those that make the cut, think of their criticism as having the same intent as that of movie critics – in the spirit of creating better art, i.e. a better version of you.

Keep your inner dialogue in check and remind yourself that you are, indeed, enough.

Kirsty Watermeyer