6 minute read
The secret pleasure of cancelled plans
Why we love a good flake
Have you ever felt a wave of relief, or even a rush of excitement, when someone cancels plans with you? That sudden exhale of “thank goodness” when a commitment evaporates, and you are free to spend the evening however you choose – perhaps with no plans at all. If you answered yes to this question, rest assured, you are not alone. In fact, this sensation seems to be on the rise, turning what was once considered impolite or inconsiderate into a strangely accepted norm. Cancellations – once seen as a social faux pas – are now almost a badge of honour. But what is behind this growing pleasure we feel when plans fall through? And, more intriguingly, why has it become so commonplace for people to casually cancel plans (also known as “flaking”) without the weight of guilt they once might have felt?
THE RISE OF FLAKING
Social plans have always been a bit of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, we look forward to the companionship, the laughter and the shared experiences. On the other hand, we dread the logistics, the time commitment, the effort of getting ready and the mental energy it takes to engage. In today’s busy world, where we are constantly pulled in different directions – work, family, side projects, social media – it is no surprise that we sometimes crave a break from the demands of the outside world.
In recent years, however, a shift has occurred. More and more people are openly admitting that they actually feel a sense of relief when someone cancels plans. The phenomenon even has a name in some circles: cancellation euphoria.
THE FEAR OF BEING LOCKED IN
So, why has this shift happened? One reason might lie in our increasing fear of being locked into commitments. The more options we have, the more we fear missing out on something “better”.
Interestingly, this fear of being locked into plans is not always about the plans themselves; it is about our relationship with time. In an era of constant connectivity and the blurred lines between work and personal life, our time has become one of the few commodities we can control. Saying “no” or welcoming a cancellation is an unconscious reclaiming of that control. It is a way to protect ourselves from the feeling that every moment needs to be filled with something, whether it is work, socialising or performing other obligations.
THE JOY OF “ME TIME”
Another factor in this growing trend might be our increasing need for solitude. The pressure to constantly be “switched on” or engaged with others can be draining, and sometimes the thought of an evening free from expectations feels like an incredible gift.
In fact, for introverts or people who are naturally more reserved, a last-minute cancellation might feel like a lifesaver. The “me time” that comes with a free evening is not just about avoiding social interaction; it is about recharging mentally and emotionally.
THEORIES BEHIND OUR LOVE OF CANCELLATIONS
Several theories attempt to explain why we feel so good when plans fall apart. One theory suggests that our enjoyment of cancelled plans stems from a deeper fear of social interaction, particularly among those who experience social anxiety. The pandemic has been a huge factor in this shift –many people found comfort in staying at home and relaxing in their cosy sweatpants. For those with social anxiety, the anticipation of social events can often feel overwhelming or fraught with dread. In these cases, a cancelled plan is more than just a break; it is a much-needed escape from the mental load of socialising.
Another theory links the pleasure of cancelled plans to what some call “social burnout”. In an age dominated by social media, there is a relentless pressure to live an idealised life – one full of picture-perfect events, glamorous dinners and endless outings. Experts argue that this constant comparison to unattainable standards leads to burnout, which makes the prospect of a cancelled social event feel like a welcome break from the pressure to perform.
Then, there is the financial aspect of socialising. Following through on plans can be difficult when your bank account is feeling the strain. Let’s face it: going out when you’re broke isn’t fun. The discomfort of ordering only tap water and the smallest, cheapest salad can be a blow to your self-esteem, making the cancellation of plans feel like a financial relief.
Dr P. Murali Doraiswamy, a neuroscientist at Duke University, has even examined the phenomenon of “JOBCO” (the joy of being cancelled on). He suggests that the overstimulation caused by constant scheduling can trigger a stress response in our brains. “Too many meetings can worsen time pressure and push the brain into a state of learned helplessness,” he explains. This overstimulation from endless social engagements could be contributing to the growing pleasure people feel when given an unexpected break.
Then again, perhaps it is simply about the freedom that cancellations bring. When plans are cancelled, a door opens. Where you once had a fixed agenda, you suddenly have options. You are given the opportunity to relax, catch up on personal projects, or simply take a break. Neurobiologist Amy Banks shared with The Cut that “a lot of people underestimate how much they can take on” and that cancelling plans can often feel like a much-needed reprieve. It allows us to prioritise ourselves – something that has become harder to do in a world of constant demands.
THE GIFT OF CANCELLATION
So it seems that we do not need to feel so bad about cancelling on others. In fact, when we cancel plans, we might be giving someone else a gift – the gift of time to themselves. They might even be celebrating as they read your text. It is not that they do not like you or do not want to see you; they may simply lack the capacity for socialising at that moment. The notion that both parties can benefit from a cancellation is a shift in perspective that is gaining ground.
The pleasure we get from cancellations is an increasingly common reaction in a world that is constantly demanding more of our time, energy and attention. But as we embrace the freedom of flaking, let us also remember the value of showing up when it counts. In the end, it is all about finding a balance between self-care and connection – and knowing when it is time to say “yes”, and when it is okay to say “no”.
