The Not So Obvious Stranger Danger

“When it comes to our children, it is never too early to teach them about how to avoid unsafe situations.” – Jana Vermeulen

Jake would never do that... She is just being polite… That is normal for families…

We have all had those experiences where we felt just ever so slightly uncomfortable: a family friend or relative holding on for too long, that person coming too close for comfort or someone asking questions you actually would prefer not to answer. The often overused, but under-executed word “boundary” is familiar to all of us. The problem with boundaries is often our interpretation of the word. It is regularly assumed that when you state or impose a particular boundary, it requires the other party to do something, when, in fact, it requires the other party to do nothing.

A boundary, by definition, is “a line which marks the limits of an area; a dividing line”. It assumes what you are not willing to accept or do.

When it comes to our children, it is never too early to teach them about how to avoid unsafe situations, which may in certain instances not be explicitly precarious, yet require a boundary to be defined.

You want your child to be safe but not anxious. Aware of their surroundings but not constantly living in fear. Confident that they can go out and face the world but not be reckless. It is a fine line that parents and caregivers walk. But how? How do you teach your children about danger without traumatising or confusing them?

You do it by starting early and engaging regularly. You start by pointing out what the accepted norms within your home are. This includes who and for how long you have to hug or kiss, even if they are relatives or family friends. You teach them explicitly what the options are when they feel uncomfortable or when they are potentially being put at risk when it comes to seemingly insignificant actions such as going to the bathroom, changing into a different outfit or having a sleepover.

Children should be taught to walk away and notify someone when they feel scared, uncertain or even in the slightest confused. This includes teaching them the more obvious actions like screaming or yelling but also involves immediately telling a trusted or at least another adult about this feeling that is unusual or unsettling. Often, children second-guess themselves if the person who is putting them in an uncomfortable situation is familiar and they assume that this is the norm or that they are misinterpreting this.

One of the best gifts to give your child, especially when they are between the ages of 12 and 18, is to have an adult “go-to person” who they feel connected to and who is close to one or both parents. It can often be intimidating communicating these occasions of discomfort with parents, often purely because of the transitions of becoming older, not because anything in particular is wrong in the parent-child relationship. This adult can then act as the catalyst in helping share and disarm a potential bomb in a less destructive manner. The alternative is to have an arrangement where the child has a journal or book in which messages can be shared, and the book is placed on the pillow or nightstand of the parent. The intention is to help share tricky information when it is too painful to share verbally, and to treat it with the utmost confidentiality and trust. The parent should be careful not to react immediately, as often children prefer that you are aware first, discuss the options and only then react based on what was mutually considered. This creates a platform to share tricky information in general.

“You can’t stop trouble from coming, but you don’t have to give it a chair to sit on.” – African proverb

Your job as a parent is to make sure you are the type of host where your children want to spend time at your table and keep returning because of the safety and security they experience around that table and on those chairs.

- Jana Vermeulen, Educational Psychologist