Childhood Nostalgia

Photographer: Lee Liang Models: Astrea Villarroel-Sanchez,

Kamilah Cunanan, Julianna DeContreaus

There was a point in time when we really noticed the harshness of entering adulthood. Maybe it felt like a blunt and mighty force. That first night in college, away from the comfort of family or friends that had slept near you your whole life. Or the first college allnighter you pull, the contents of your to-do list running through your mind, reaching a point when you’re so stressed about studying for a midterm that you can’t focus enough to actually study. Maybe the moment felt more like a soft tap on the shoulder. A gradual bombardment of people with striking ambition, rambling about their graduation plan and all the organizations they’ve joined and internships they’re considering. Maybe all of this, on top of growing up with news channels always covering stories of global violence and death. Maybe it was way before any of these. It’s a slight moment of overwhelming vulnerability and confusion, a dangerous moment when you begin to dwell on the past. What was before all this anxiety? Before this there was Saturday morning cartoons and a bowl of cereal to hold you over until someone wakes up to make you breakfast. There was falling asleep on the car ride home, but pretending to still be sleeping when you get there, just so someone could carry you to your bed. Rolling down grassy hills and suffering the itchy consequences, but still willing to do it again. Falling off your bike, scraping your knees and elbows, showing off new scabs and old scars to your friends at school, arguing about whose is the gnarliest. Always getting to ride and be pushed in the shopping cart. Building blanket and pillow forts in the living room, or camping out in a tent in the backyard. Scandalous hugging and handholding behind the school playground. Staying home from school because you’re sick - back when you didn’t stress over how you might fall behind on your work. Lying on your belly, resting your cheek on the warm concrete to dry off after a swim. Making sure your hands and feet don’t dangle over the side of the bed - because there’s definitely something under there ready to grab hold. Waking up before your parents on Christmas morning, struggling to get them out of bed so you can finally open your presents. Playing dress up in your parents clothes and having a fashion show for them. Running through the sprinklers, looking up, and only seeing sunshine. Always, you only saw the sunshine.

You remember urging them to take out the big video camera and record you - years pass and thoughts of capturing such mundane moments began to disappear. At one point Santa was real and so was the tooth fairy and so were your dreams. Peter Pan was cool because he could fly and was friends with a fairy, but you never really listened to his warning: “Don’t grow up; it’s a trap.” Mom secretly starts giving your toys away because she knows that even though you’ve stopped playing with them, you’d be very reluctant to let them go. The trees you used to climb don’t seem so big anymore - and what’s worse? People are cutting them down. You ignored adults when they told you each year goes by faster and faster. At the time you just yearned to be as cool as the 6th graders, then as cool as the 8th graders, then the graduating seniors - but now there are some times when you want it all in reverse. Slowly, responsibilities snuck their way into your life and one day you realized you couldn’t quite grasp that sunshine as much. The day before one of those dreadful deadlines, you pause to take a breath and notice the magic is gone. Your childhood wings and superpowers are nowhere to be seen. And you never got to say goodbye. You only see reality, piercing you with what seems like a cold frown…

But then, there are the warm bodies of people wherever you go. Some familiar, others not. And when you pause the montage of memories in your mind to actually bask in these people’s warmth, for a moment you feel the sunshine again. So maybe the sunshine is always there? But you only ever focus on the carefree things you did and not the people you did them with.

There is a light that never goes out. The light in people and the companionship they bring. The light in music and its power to connect these people together to a single moment. The light in all the feasts you have with friends and family. The light in breathtaking sunsets and

grandiose displays of art - that are even more amazing when you share them. What is it exactly that all these things have in common? You feel a fondness for them, a wholesome love. Oh yeah, and they’re all way better when you share them, whether it’s just talking about it or actually experiencing together. So how can you once again feel as invincible and light-hearted as your younger self? Well, considering time machines don’t exist, it’s probably best to keep your conscious mind in the present moment. Your 35 year old self is going to be thinking the same exact nostalgic (and slightly self-destructive) thoughts about your college self now. So go ahead, look back and smile - but turn right back around and bask in the good moments that are happening now - and share them with others! That’s the magic that’ll pull you out of your anxious rut in the midst of finals week or after a questionably horrible interview. That’s the magic of getting your adult superpowers or full-grown set of wings.That’s the same magic that’ll propel you forward, not pull you backwards.

Sincerely Yours,

Tatiana Diaz de Leon