Loss and Grief Take No Holiday

How to help during hard times

by Rebecca B. Work

The holidays are meant to be a joyful time. For many, however, it is a sad reminder of a past or recent loss. Loss can take many forms: loss of a spouse, sibling, close friend, child, pregnancy, pet, divorce, serious illness of a loved one and more.

Feelings of grief are more intense during the holidays. Family oriented events occur over a long stretch of the calendar year: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve and Day, Epiphany, Valentine’s Day and Easter. These can serve as reminders of what has been lost. It is an emotionally difficult and often a very lonely time. Regardless of when or how long ago the loss occurred, grief can rise with renewed intensity when triggered by a particular event, as a holiday.

The grief process is individual and knows no time constraints; there is never a loss exactly like one’s own. Still, many find it difficult to know what to say, how to act or ignore the loss altogether. It is easy to pretend bad things have not happened to our neighbor or

friend. Extending concern and understanding lets that person know you care. Begin by simply acknowledging the loss. Say “I’m so sorry about your husband’s sudden death.” Or, “I don’t know what to say right now, and want you to know I care.”

Of course, there are things not to say:

• “I know how you feel.” (Really? Are you in my body? Then you can’t know how I feel!)

• “You are young and healthy. You can have another baby.” (Do you not understand? It is this baby I wanted.)

• ”It is God’s will.”

• “It’s for the best,” or “Everything happens for a reason.”

You can help with acts of kindness and caring. Include them in some of your family’s activities as baking cookies, making an Advent wreath, decorating or inviting them to attend church with you. These may seem like small things. And yet, every gesture shows someone cares. Being there for

someone during the holiday season can have a positive impact on how they move through their grief going forward.

You can make a difference.

Other things you can do

• Write a note, send a card, send an email. It is never too late to acknowledge a loss.

• Make a date to share a meal, take a walk together.

• Listen without advising.

• Be open to talking about the loss; take your lead from the grieving person.

• Ask HOW you can help. BE SPECIFIC: schedule a meal, grocery shop, do errands, and more.

• Keep your promise.