A bold action: Talking to your child about race

A bold action: Talking to your child about race

By Rhonda Mitchell, Early Elementary Division Head

During admissions season, I have the pleasure of speaking to prospective parents about Trinity School. At every opportunity, I share my personal experience as a Trinity parent who became a teacher, then an administrator to connect with our guests on a more personal level, especially since the admissions process can feel stressful. Parents who visit us are trying to identify the school that best matches their family values, one that will support their child’s learning and that will embrace them.

Seventeen years ago, my husband and I attended a Trinity Open House to research schools for our then three-year-old son. I remember being so impressed with the young man who gave us a tour and shared his experiences. Through his recollection of fun times in the Early Elementary Division and the pride with which he described his Upper Elementary leadership experiences, I could sense his love of learning and love for his school community. That interaction and the entire on-campus visit left me feeling elated about the possibilities that Trinity could provide our son.

As a woman of color and the mother of a Black boy and a Black girl, my search process also included an evaluation of each school’s stated and actual position on diversity, equity, and inclusion. After researching Trinity, the School’s statement of diversity and espoused commitment to an inclusive community felt genuine to me, more than aspirational, because of the School’s history of being the first private independent school in Georgia to integrate in 1963 – before it was required by law and despite opposition from a significant minority of the community. This boldness of action during one of our country’s most divisive and racially charged times led me to believe that it was possible that not only would the School accept my family for admission, but also the community would accept us as members.

My family chose Trinity for our son and daughter because of the School’s mission and how the mission is implemented in the day-to-day operations. We saw the joy of experiential learning, valued the intentional focus on developing high-level social-emotional skills like communication, collaboration, and organization; and we were in full agreement with the principles of an early childhood and elementary-only experience. We chose Trinity because of its stated and real commitment to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI). When reading admissions files now, these same statements are what parents of all races and ethnicities share about why they are choosing Trinity for their family. They are choosing the mission and the pillars on which it stands. A commitment to diversity is explicit and embedded in those statements.

In this moment, when it appears that our country is again at a crossroads in our relationship with race, how can we maintain our diverse community of learners and an environment in which each develops their potential as a responsible, productive, and compassionate member of the School and greater community? We will have to be both vulnerable and courageous with each other. We, as individuals and as a community, must continue to take bold actions to move us forward, and this includes proactively talking to our children about race.

Trinity hosts Parent Chats to share with families what is happening at school and to offer ways to support child development at home. The benefits of common understanding, shared language, and consistent approaches are that student learning deepens and transfers between settings. Annually, the School offers parent sessions in math, technology, social-emotional development, and DEI. These Parent Chats feature school staff and guest speakers, and they usually provide some specific takeaways that parents can incorporate into their daily routines with their child.

We began the 2020–21 school year with a DEI Parent Chat featuring a friend of the Trinity community, guest speaker Kristin Carothers, PhD. Based in Atlanta, Dr. Carothers is a clinical psychologist with expertise in cognitive behavioral therapy, behavioral consultation, and intervention. She has provided professional development on race, diversity, equity, and inclusion to independent schools across the country. Dr. Carothers has spoken to Trinity parents and trained Trinity faculty in issues of diversity, equity, and inclusion as well as social-emotional development and classroom management. To highlight the ideas Dr. Carothers shared during the Chat, I revisited her “How to Talk to Kids About Race” presentation, then caught up with her for some additional guidance.

The biggest takeaway from the Chat is that all children are impacted by issues of race and need adult support processing questions and concerns. Children have direct and indirect exposure to complicated images and topics through media, parent conversations, and even peers. Parents should expect that their child has curiosities and regularly facilitate conversations in which they encourage questions and open dialogue. Not knowing where to begin with complicated topics, even for adults, is not uncommon. These suggestions from EmbraceRace, an online community that provides resources for teaching children about race, offer excellent guidance for all parents.

Tips for teaching and talking to kids about race

Start early. Encourage your child to ask questions. Notice patterns together. At six months of age, babies notice racial diff erences, and by age four develop racial biases (falling subject to stereotypes and establishing preferences for types of people). Cognitive Scientist Daniel Willingham wrote that developmentally appropriate practice is about how you approach a topic with children, not what topic you discuss. He says that waiting until you think a child is “ready” for issues related to race is too late. The child will have already developed their own ideas. Children’s books are an excellent place to begin to notice differences positively and engage in age-appropriate discussions.

Be mindful. Get to know your own biases. Children learn from what they see us do more than from what they hear us say. The diversity of your friendship group is teaching your child something about race. How you respond or if you respond when a comment about race is made teaches your child something. Most people don’t talk about race because it is “impolite,” so a child’s observation or comment might be silenced. This may inadvertently teach a child that there is something right or wrong about a person’s race.

Develop racial and cultural literacy. You don’t have to have all the answers; it’s okay to say you aren’t sure about something. Expand your racial cultural literacy by learning about the history and experiences of different groups.

For families of children from underrepresented racial and ethnic groups, there are some additional important suggestions from Dr. Carothers regarding race. In her presentation, Dr. Carothers referred to the need for parents to teach children adaptive coping strategies. When I followed up with her for more information about this topic, she explained the idea of positive racial ethnic socialization (RES). RES includes direct and indirect messaging about race, preparing children to navigate a world where race can impact their experiences. These explicit and implicit lessons help children develop a positive self-image and resilience and prevent the internalization of negative stereotypes.

Tips on racial ethnic socialization (RES) from the American Psychological Association’s website on RESilience

Positive images: Intentionally provide children with positive images of people from their racial and ethnic group and other underrepresented groups. This may be achieved through professional interactions, such as the businesses and services you utilize, through religious or civic groups to which you belong, and through selections of art and media. Involve children in activities where people who look like them are in the majority and in situations where people who look like them are in the minority. For example, if your child attends a school where they are in the minority, consider enrolling them in an extracurricular activity where there is a great deal of diversity.

Perspective: Provide children with a broad understanding of history that includes the experiences of underrepresented people. Be sure that the experiences include not only the historical challenges that were faced, but also the accomplishments, the triumphs, and the ongoing eff orts. Talk about positive current events that are not as widely broadcasted in the media. Share personal experiences, beliefs, and goals of family and community members who have broken barriers, overcome obstacles, and achieved success.

Prepare: Teach children to recognize when to actively problem solve versus when to cope. For example, if they have been hurt by words or actions or have witnessed someone else being hurt, they should seek help. At the same time, they will likely face microaggressions that may not need to be solved but should be processed. Children need help identifying these situations, affi rming their own identity and value, and communicating about diff erences. For example, hair is often the source of microaggressions for Black girls. If a Black girl wears her hair in a style, such as braids or puff s, someone may touch or make a careless comment about the style. This is a violation of personal space and potentially off ensive depending on the comment that was made. Children should feel empowered to express their feelings and see their beauty even if they don’t look like the majority of the people around them.

These may seem like big topics for young children, but they are the subjects of our daily spoken and unspoken messages. In the 1960s, when Trinity took the bold action to embrace diversity, equity, and inclusion through its admissions practices, the barriers keeping people apart were actual segregation laws. Today, there aren’t explicit laws keeping people apart but beliefs that manifest as customs, practices, and policies. We are at a crossroads. Let’s choose to take the bold action of talking about our beliefs and fears so that our children can look back and recall how Trinity overcame the divisiveness of the moment and, in doing so, continued to live up to its mission: creating an “environment, in which each child develops the knowledge, skills, and character to achieve his or her unique potential as a responsible, productive, and compassionate member of the School and greater community.”

Kindergartner Peyton enjoy an interactive read aloud with Ms. Rhonda and learn how melanin determines skin color in the children’s book All the Colors We Are.

Books and Online Resources

• All the Colors We Are by Katie Kissinger (Ages 3–6)

• Caste by Isabel Wilkerson (Adults)

• The Person You Mean to Be by Dolly Chugh (Adults)

• The Sum of Us by Heather McGhee (Adults)

• EmbraceRace: www.embracerace.org/resources/teaching-and-talking-to-kids

• RESilience (RES) via the American Psychological Association: www.apa.org/res/about/racial-ethnic-socialization