Catching Up With Brian

Catching Up With Brian

Brian Thiele was featured as the cover story in Quorum Columbus’s November 2014 issue, as part of Transgender Awareness Month. The True Team sat down with him again four years later.

By Kaylee Duff

Photo by Emily Hirzel.

Kaylee: How have you been doing since that Quorum article? What’s changed since 2014?

Brian: Physically, that [article] was right before I got my top surgery. So I’ve had that for about four years now. Obviously there’s more physical changes; I’m more masculine-looking. It’s easier to grow some facial hair now.

Mentally, that’s a huge change for me. At the time when I first came out [as trans], I just identified as straight. That was pretty easy. Then over time, I’ve kind of explored, and now… I guess, pansexual would be the right term. Queer. I don’t know. There’s so many different labels. I really just go for the mind. Being trans, it opens up your mind a lot.

I think I finally get to develop emotionally, because for 24 years all I was worried about was my gender and my appearance. I had really no time to explore who I was as a person. I mean, I did a little bit, but now I’m more in tune with it, allowing me to explore myself.

Also, I’m learning that there are all types of men. There’s feminine men. There’s really masculine men. There’s a little bit of both, in between. At first, I was worried. I was hyper-masculine. I didn’t want to do anything sort of “girly.” Now, I wear all my rings, and I really don’t care. I am who I am, and if you don’t like it, that’s fine, that’s your prerogative. So mentally, I’ve definitely grown and allowed myself to be myself. I’m not trying to please others more or live up to a certain stereotype.

Other than that? I’m still at my same job, but I had literally just started there in June before that [article was released]. I’ve been there for four years now. I work at Honeywell. It’s fun. It’s sort of hard to explain; it’s one of those jobs. But I like to say I work with adult Lego sets all day.

Kaylee: What sort of advice would you give your younger self?

Brian: I’ve kind of actually done that a little bit over the years. I’ve had people who have been questioning if they’re trans or how to go about it. One of my good friends is actually starting to transition. What I tell them is: do what makes you happy.

I didn’t really have anybody to show me the ropes of being trans; I kind of figured it out myself, with YouTube videos and the Internet. At the same time, you don’t know what’s true and what’s not. I’ve learned to just go at your own pace. Not every trans guy has to have top surgery. Not every trans guy is on testosterone. Whatever makes you comfortable. You’ve gotta live with you 24/7; nobody else does. So why not?

I do wish someone would have told me you don’t need to be hypermasculine. You don’t need to live up to some certain stereotype or be modeled after somebody else. Just because you’re a trans guy, and you identified as lesbian before, that doesn’t mean you can’t explore and see what fits best for you.

There’s a lot of things that I was paranoid about for the longest time. Especially the bathrooms. And how do my jeans look. Are they gonna notice? Worried is my voice deep enough? Do they know? I’ve come to just kind of get over that. It’s little things like that you get weird about.

And then my top surgery. At first, I was scared to take off my shirt in public. I didn’t want to go to a public pool or anything like that. I was nervous someone was gonna say something about my scars. Now, I had my shirt off all weekend. I really just I don’t care. I paid six grand for it, so I’m going to show it off a little bit, get my money’s worth.

Kaylee: Is that a typical price for top surgery?

Brian: It can be a couple grand lower. I went to the second best [doctor in the country]. That’s not something you wanna go Walmart shopping for. I’ve seen some botched stuff, and that just sets you way back. He was actually up in Cleveland. It was nice. But yeah, that’s the typical range. Unfortunately, my insurance didn’t cover it. That’s the one crappy part. They do cover a little bit of my testosterone, so it’s not too bad.

That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t really thought about bottom surgery. It’s crazy expensive, and it doesn’t always work. And I’m good. That’s the other thing, too. I was scared to death to try and date people or talk to anybody. I didn’t want to be looked at like a commodity or someone’s fantasy. Like, “Oh you don’t have that? Does that make me straight now?” Like no, you’re still gay. I promise you.

That’d be another thing I would tell somebody or my younger self. Don’t be afraid to get out there. Everybody gets rejected at one point. Whether you’re gay, straight, trans, cis. We all get rejected, and we’re all scared to death of going out there and taking a risk. Get rid of those paranoia walls. That was pretty recent, too, within the past year, that I finally got over it.

It’ll be five years in December that I’ll be on testosterone. It’s crazy it’s been five years already. Like I said, four years since top surgery.

[Gestures to November 2014 issue of Quorum] Looking at that magazine, it’s just mind-blowing, how much I’ve even changed since then.

Kaylee: Yeah, you’ve got a mustache now!

Brian: [Laughs] If I go naked face, I look like I’m 12. That’s what I’m saying there’s some cis guys who can barely grow [facial hair]. I can grow more than they can, and that was that was the hardest part to get over and realize: we’re all humans here. We’re going through the day the same way, hoping for the best.

Photo by Emily Hirzel.

Kaylee: What kind of responses did you get about that original Quorum article?

Brian: My job’s kind of a blue collar job, and I was surprised that a lot of people had positive feedback. I don’t get discriminated against at work. I also did a little story on ABC a couple years ago. Some more coworkers saw that, and they’re just like, you’re a dude, there’s nothing to it. I was very impressed with that.

That’s another thing, too; I need to learn to not expect the worst from people. Not everybody’s an asshole. There’s a lot out there but not everybody. And that’s only fair. To give someone a chance if I want them to give me a chance.

I’ve had other people who were inspired [by my story] to look more into those feelings of whether they’re trans or not. All I wanted is to say is, hey, this is normal. We’re not freaks. We’re just like every other person except we’re a little different. It’s scary, yes, and there are bad people out there. But it’s better than not being alive, and it’s getting a lot better.

My brother-in-law is an Army recruiter. He’s been asking me questions, and that’s pretty awesome. I have this policy that, as long as you’re not coming off in a mean way about your question, I’ll answer it, no matter how personal. Because that’s how you get people to accept you and not think of you as some freak. You’re always scared of what you don’t know. I’m happy to answer anybody’s questions, and I almost always do. I love to educate. That’s why I did the magazine; that’s why I did the news. And that’s why I’m doing this again, because the more you get it out there, the more you normalize it, and it’s no big deal to anybody.

I don’t want to just be Brian the Trans Guy. And I’m not. I’m sure a good chunk of the community knows, but that’s not their only description of me. But I don’t mind that either, because it’s not something to be embarrassed about. Again, I’m just trying to normalize it. Show people that I’m just like anybody else. I got my problems, and family issues, and whatnot.

The family has been great. Recently, I showed my mom one of my side-byside pictures. It was [a photo from] sophomore year of high school and a picture from a couple years ago. It’s like, look what a difference 12 years makes. My sophomore picture was like long hair and girly, overcompensating. My mom told me, “You know, I know that was you, but I don’t see that anymore.”

That means a lot. Because in the beginning, it was a struggle with both of my parents. Switching pronouns and using my new name. It was a screaming match. Now, I realize I was being a complete jackass. You know, she’s known me that way for 24 years, and it’s doesn’t happen overnight. That’s my own mother. My friends, who I’ve been friends with for a couple years, that’s a little bit easier.

That’d be another thing I would tell to someone who is transitioning: be patient with your loved ones. When using your new name and new pronouns and stuff like that. Because you’re kind of a new person. You gotta give both ways. If you want them to start accepting you as this, you gotta let them take it at their own pace.

That was a real struggle. And when you first start testosterone, your hormones are wacko. I was a pretty angry young man for a little bit. That’d be another thing; watch out for that. The changes come pretty quick, within the first couple weeks or so. After that, you’ll mellow out and start being your normal self.

Also, I try to tell people: always see a doctor. Always have a doctor’s prescription. Don’t buy off a friend or the black market. It’s not something to mess around with. Hormones are pretty powerful. Always go see a doctor. I get physicals twice a year, and then once by my company, too.

Photo by Emily Hirzel.

Kaylee: Did you have complications with anything?

Brian: Nope. I’m super lucky. I’m one of the more positive stories. I’m well aware of how lucky I am to have a family who accepts me, my friends who accept me, people at work.

I have a good job, and a good majority [of my coworkers] know I’m trans. They hired me knowing I’m trans. That’s a real positive. I’m very lucky with everything I have. I have my bad days, just like everybody else. But I try to keep myself grounded and say hey, there’s other trans people who got kicked out for coming out… It’s sad. And it sucks. This is why I do this stuff, to try and get more people accepted so those kids don’t get kicked out and discriminated against.

Because there’s no reason to. They’re just human beings. We’re not crazy.

A sad statistic that I hated reading recently was that 40% of trans kids commit or attempt suicide. And I’m part of that statistic. It sucks. That’s almost half, and that’s scary. I want to see that number drop in my lifetime. Obviously, that’s a lot to ask for, but it’s sad. Because they don’t have anywhere to turn to, not one person, and that’s not how it should be.

[Note: According to a July 2018 study (“Transgender Adolescent Suicide Behavior”) by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the rates of attempted suicides by trans adolescents are 50.8% for female-to-male youth, 41.8% for non-binary/ gender nonconforming youth, and 29.9% for male-to-female youth.]

Kaylee: So you had two coming outs. Was one of them harder than the other? What was that like?

Brian: I think they were pretty even. I didn’t really get a backlash for coming out as a lesbian, and same with being trans. But then again, I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ve got a lot of really good people around me. They accept me as me.

I think coming out as trans was both easy and hard. It was easy because I finally figured it out, and I just wanted to tell everybody. For the longest time, I couldn’t put my finger on it. Lesbian was the closest I could get. It was hard because... Coming out as a lesbian, you know, my mom knew some gay people. They never really had issues with that; I never heard them talk bad about it or anything. But coming out as trans? That’s a whole different thing. I don’t think my mom ever heard of that word. I didn’t hear of that word until I watched Boys Don’t Cry, and I was probably 14. Especially with my dad, coming out as trans was slightly harder. But it felt a lot better.

Kaylee: When did you realize you were trans?

Brian: I think I always had the thought. I remember researching it back to like, sixth grade. I didn’t really understand it. But at 12 years old, what do you understand?

Down in Florida, right before I moved back [to Ohio], I had met this girl. She was in the queer scene. She called me out on it. And I started thinking more and more and more about it. I was like, “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

I ended up moving back here to Ohio, and shortly after started coming out and doing my thing. Starting the transition and getting the ball rolling. It was when I came back home that I sat there with a bottle of pills, just staring at them. It was basically do or die. So I chose to do. And I’m glad I did.

I’m not going to say that every day is hunky dory and rainbows and butterflies, but it’s way better than where I was. I’m so much happier, and so much freer to explore other sides of me than just constantly worrying about what my body looks like. Life is so much better.

If you or someone you know may be at risk of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. If you’re a young LGBTQ person and need to talk to someone, call The Trevor Project’s 24-hour crisis hotline for youth at 1-866-488-7386. If you are a transgender person of any age, call the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860.