THE
SMART Science Mathematics Astronomy R Technology
OURFUTURE FUTUREWITH WITHGRAPES GRAPES OUR
THE
SMART A MAGAZINE OF STUFF THAT PROBABLY ISN’T TRUE
FROM THE EDITOR publisher JONATHAN KRUGER editor in chief PAUL CASTER EDITORIAL STAFF senior editor/policy JUDDY HUDGINS assistant managing editor TOLD WILFRY news editor THOM SHAYS assistant editor JAMES BRODY Science Mathematics Astronomy Reason and Retry Technology
PAUL CASTER CLINTON ROCKWELL FRANCIS DUPREE RACHEL BATES JENNIFER HARTFORD
DESIGN design director TIM STOELTING assistant art director ALFRED WINSTON ADVERTISING AND CIRCULATION advertising manager LYDIA HEWS circulation manager EMILY WAINRIGHT account executive ALEX BOYLE CHARLES BRAND EDITORIAL, ADVERTISING AND BUSINESS OFFICES 801 East Clark Street, Milwaukee, WI 53212 THE SMART is published every once in a while for not a whole lot of money by Galactic Publications, 1872 North Commerce Street, Milwaukee, WI 53212 BOARD OF TRUSTEES chairman ROBERT TERWILLIGER vice chairman HERSCHELKRUSTOFSKI secretary ART VANDELEIGH treasurer TOD BECKINSWAL EXCECUTIVE OFFICE president THEADOR HIRSH BOARD OF TRUSTIES chairman HERBERT JOHNSON vice chairman AMELIA MCDONALD secretary JUNE HUDSON treasurer ALISON JONES
The SMART is sometimes a non-profit periodical founded in 2010 to promote the knowledge of fake science and technological advancement . The SMART should never be taken seriously or as truth. Seriously.
Imagine a world powered by the simplest and most delicious little fruit. Grapes. An incredible snack, healthy, bite sized, delicious, and easily renewable. It is my great pleasure to introduce the first edition of The SMART a periodical aiming to report the latest and greatest news in science. For this first issue the timing could not have been better, nearly one year ago, to the date, Dr. Wilhelm Landfrie released his astounding research and development of the grape-fueled ion engine. I remember sitting with my collaborators in a conference late one night digging through boring and outdated science articles wanting to create a new impacting story, “Something with a fresh breath of air.” I kept saying, “something colorful, and juicy, and sweet.” It was then when a good friend of mine, Dieter Hans a German journalist, called me at an early hour in the evening. I thought that to be strange considering the time difference. He had been fallowing Landfrie for some time on his research and witnessed the profound break through and called me immediately. The call interrupted my inner of a fillet of sole in grape sauce, funny enough, when he rambled on and on about the stabilization of the engines. So sit back, have a glass of wine, and enjoy. But please, do not take any of this seriously. -Paul Caster, Editor in Chief
SCIENCE
a scientific The SMART isperiodical
reporting the latest breakthroughs and advances towards bettering humanity. The SMART is broken into four categories, Mathematics, Astronomy, R, and Technology, held under the umbrella of Science. This month’s issue of The SMART reports on the breakthrough technology of Ion Engines and the ever-approaching possibility of space travel. In the issue we examine the technological breakthroughs of Astrophysicist and Theoretical Engineer Dr. Wilhelm Landfrie and his Grape powered Ion Engine. The articles feature The SMART’s own Mathematician and Aeronautics Engineer from the Applied Statistical Science division Clinton Rockwell, as well as Astronomy Enthusiast Francis Dupree, and a look into a newly emerging organization of technological advancement for the people with an interview with self proclaimed scientist and theoretician Frank Allen. The SMART is not a real publication and does not contain real scientific data. The experts involved are all fictitious and probably wouldn’t really know what they’re talking about anyway. But the math is probably correct.
Table of Contents
MATHEMATICS
2
Clinton Rockwell
ASTRONOMY
3
Francis Dupree
REASON AND RETRY Interview by
4
Rachel Bates
TECHNOLOGY Article Abstract
5 6
Jennifer Hartford
TECHNOLOGY Drawings
Translated by Dieter Hans
7-8
MATHEMATICS A LOOK INTO THE SMART ASS (APPLIED STATISTICAL SCIENCE) DIVISION
GRAPE FUELED ION PROPULSION
R
ecent breakthroughs in energy have found grapes as an ample source of plasma once processed under intense microwaves. A single seedless grape, cut in half with a small piece of skin left uncut and placed within a household microwave for a short period of time emits multiple bursts of plasma clouds. Grape juice is a highly ion-rich liquid and a perfect conductor of electricity. When the micro-radiation waves pass through the grape juice the ions become super charged and transfer back and forth between the grape halves creating up to 3000 degrees of heat. Inevitably the grape will catch fire and using the external burst of heat and energy the supercharged ions expel their electrons in arcs of energy through the fire. Until recently this was just a mere flash of flame and burst of ozone gas. Although ozone can be a poisonous gas, at this level of concentration the negative effects are no more sever than breathing in 10 balloons of helium. By forcing the newly created grape plasma into a magnetized vacuum the plasma can be stored for a short period of time until enough plasma has accumulated to provide sufficient propulsion. One grape cloud of plasma once stabilized and contained and processed through an ion thruster can emit a single burst of energy equaling 30 horsepower. On Earth if this energy output were constant it could propel 13600 kilograms 300 meters in one minute or 5 m/s (meters per second). On Earth this burst of energy is nearly useless. But once utilized in microgravity
this immeasurably slow output is no longer stinted by gravity and friction. By the laws of inertia, once freed from its constraints one single burst allows an object to move at a steady pace of 5 m/s. One grape can output anywhere between 7 to 10 bursts of plasma depending on the size and freshness of the grape, so at maximum grape quality a succession of 10 bursts has an additive effect of 10 bursts of 5 m/s yielding a total of 50 m/s from one grape. On a grand scale, 1,000 grapes have the potential of propelling an object through space at 50,000 m/s or 3,000 km/h. Space travel made possible by grapes. Clinton Rockwell ASS
ASTRONOMY T
hanks to the recent break through in Microwave Ion Engine Technology, interstellar space travel has become a reality. With no more than 100 grapes a space shuttle could travel up to 500,000 kph. One grape alone makes a trip to the sun possible in just over three years. What does this mean for the future? A recent corporation has developed with the goal of bringing high technology to the hands of the general public. The Peoples Association of Science, Technology, and currently developing a series of ‘waypoints’ Advancement (PASTA) has taken on such where ships can stop and refill on fuel projects as beginning to plan a navigable reserves or other necessities. “Its simple, map of the universe as well as set up an artificial living training the general public in We can make we quarter on several moons microgravity living conditions it out of our along the way, just like a gas and the development of large Currently, as testing is passenger transport space ships. solar system station!” beginning some shuttle stops As the search for new livable from Saturn are on their way to being built on the moons of Mars to accommodate planets races on we will soon be able to the early short test flights. If testing goes travel to them in fear of our own Earth well there will be three more stations on continuing down in its slide of disparity. the larger moons of Jupiter and six stations One possible arrival point for the human on the larger moons of Saturn. “Uranus is species is Proxima Centauri; being .21 Light a much larger haul, and considering that Years (LY) away, it is the next closest star there is no need for a constant burn of to out own. “With the new grape-engine fuel, I think we can make it out of our solar technology Proxima Centauri can be system from Saturn. However, we will need reached in a life time.” Dr. Herbert Oswald, to do something for brakes.” a head engineer and galactic cartographer for PASTA explained, “Sure it certainly is a Francis Dupree great deal of grapes, but the ability to store and preserve grapes cannot be done with any other fuel. Its genius!” Dr. Oswald is
REASON AND RETRY AN INTERVIEW WITH SELF-PROCLAIMED SCIENTIST AND THEORETICIAN FRANK ALLEN
“W
e’re doomed! Look at this world, everything going terrible” Allen shouts and rants about the global warming crisis, “It wasn’t always like this. Over the past 20 years the carbon dioxide count in the atmosphere has double and never been as high. These guys at the South Pole have been drilling ice core samples to test the frozen bubbles of air in the ice; there has never been anything like what we have in the air today. I figured out that in order for the temperature to rise on average across the world, the temperature has to rise everywhere! So If Florida gets a little hotter, Canada’s gonna melt.” When asked about fixing things Allen replied, “Sure people say things can change if we try, but people have been trying for how long now? Hybrid cards never really caught on, nice try it was a great idea but it didn’t really work. And they say they can make plastic out of corn now… that still doesn’t solve the problem of having all this plastic. I mean really, at this point in time what is the point for trying to fix everything. Just start over. It’s not just the life-threatening crises that are going wrong; look at things today there is no reason that your Honda Civic needs painted on flames.” After being asked what, if anything, was going well in the world began,“I’ll tell ya’what’s working. PASTA, the Peoples Association of Science Technology and Advancement, finally someone is doing something worthwhile!” Allen waves his fist in front of his face.“With this new grape/engine [technology] this rock is history and thanks to PASTA’s development of a galactic map anybody can do it. I hear they’re even beginning to train pilots.”
“What it really boils down to here,” Allen said in closing, “is that someone is doing something good for once, and its gonna pay off. And best case scenario in a couple hundred years maybe the earth will have fixed itself once humanity has up and gone.” The interview took place at the local Denny’s in Billing’s Montana until the manager asked Allen to leave because of his shouting. The interview then resumed in Allen’s garage while he put more feed is his chicken pen. Allen is currently unemployed and sells his chicken eggs every Thursday morning. Rachel Bates
TECHNOLOGY
“G
THE ARTICLE
as propulsion ist no more… in space” Dr. of astrophysics and theoretical engineering Wilhelm Landfrie of the Berlin Fachhochschule exclaims in a recent interview about his teams break through in grape juice powered ion engines. “I came to mein lab one morning und sie workers are bent over sie youtube watching grapes in microwaves.” Landfrie speaks in a “Ist like grape not harsh German move on its own, accent with but I spit is, ja? mouthful of grapes. “Und Mien mouth ist sie sie grapes are microwave.” all booming.” Landfrie explains the nature of grape juice and its high energy potential which is released by microwave energy. “Ist like wool sock rubbed on wood floor, you touch metal and a spark! But instead of spark ist a boom of lightening und fire… heat und electricity.” The reaction of the ion rich juice and the heat of the grape creates a burst of fire and electricity which once processed under Landfrie’s electromagnetic microwave chamber can be harnessed and then propelled out of an ion engine at near light speed. “Watch! Watch!” Landfrie puts an exceptionally large grape in his mouth then takes in Ist like spinning a large breath carnival ride spitting the grape across his lab at an assistant. “Ja! Ist like grape not move on its on, but I spit it, ja? Mien mouth ist sie microwave.” Landfrie laughs a few gravely chuckles.
Landfrie is currently working with his team in developing a large scale microwave device that has nine rotating microwave emitters on a rotating arm, “Ist like spinning carnival ride. One arm spins, each finger spins also.” The microwave device will allow an exponential amount of grape emissions to be produced giving the ion engines a vast mount a propulsion at once. Jennifer Hartford
TECHNOLOGY THE ABSTRACT
F
ossil fuels are on a never-ending slide to depletion. If we continue to look outward from our world and plan to travel to new places an alternative source of power must be found. Combustion engines require far too much mass to be efficient for interstellar travel. With the unique ion nutrient richness juice of grapes and their reaction with microwave radiation a new energy is produced. The heat generated from the particles vibrating and the ion and electrolyte rich juice causes a burst in electronically charged flame. This cloud of energy has an extreme magnetic charge. By putting one grape cut in half with a thin shred of skin still intact in any household microwave the energy can be released. To efficiently use this energy my staff and I conducted a series of magnetic tests. By using varying level of intensities we were able to fine the perfect frequency of electromagnetism to control the direction of the fiery clouds. After developing a specialized microwave chamber incased in ionized electromagnets a great amount of energy charged clouds can be focused and then eventually processed though a octagonal cylinder of electromagnets for ion engine propulsion. Finally there is a small high energy yielding fuel, though the propulsion from these ion engines are seemingly insignificant when compared to a simple gasoline combustion engine, once freed from the constraints of gravity a single grape has immense potential.
Dr. Wilhelm Landfrie, Professor of astrophysics and theoretical engineering at Fachhochschule in Berlin Translation by Jennifer Hartford
TECHNOLOGY DRAWINGS TRANSLATED BY DIETER HANS
TECHNOLOGY DRAWINGS TRANSLATED BY DIETER HANS
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