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media cursed_section.exe The State-Run Media 10 February 2020

Kevin Stitt’s sugar baby application

Please shower me in your money Daddy Donald. :)

Michaela Bueche Prefers Sweet ‘n’ Low

Governor Kevin Stitt gave the 2020 State of the State address last Monday, but instead of reporting the current condition of Oklahoma, he used his speech to submit his application to be President Donald Trump’s sugar baby. The transcript lies below (just like Kevin): First I would like to thank all y’all loyal Oklahomans for coming out today. I’d especially like to thank my one and only friend First Lady Sarah Stitt, my children and my parents for supporting me. I’d also like to thank everyone watching at home. Hopefully that includes our great savior President Trump. The reason for that hope is that this speech will be my application to be his sugar baby. I’ll start with a little information about myself. I’m a husband and a father of six, but they can easily disappear if necessary. That’s only 21 years of my life down the drain. I’m also a businessman and started from the bottom just like you. ;) I am applying for the position of sugar baby because I have long been working toward making Oklahoma a Top Ten State in this nation. To accomplish this, Oklahoma will need more funding for government ventures. The state is no longer raking in large sums from oil and gas, which has really wrecked our economy. That’s not even the worst of it, though. But that is beside the point. The most important thing is that I personally need more money. It could even be a small loan of a million dollars to start with. I may have accrued a few gambling debts, but I’ve mostly got that issue resolved. I just had to shut down all the casinos in Oklahoma. The sugar baby application was originally Sarah’s idea, but she thought you would be more attracted to me. She’s always wanted to experiment in the bedroom, and she also recently made me aware that she can no longer afford my extravagant lifestyle. You may remember me from your Twitter endorsement of me during my run for Governor or even when you met me after I won. I was even in D.C. just last week with you talking about my take on your wonderful Medicaid program that you were so excited about. I call it SoonerCare 2.0. The name inspiration came from your new “Tax Cuts 2.0.”

SoonerCare 2.0 shows my loyalty and devotion to you, Mr. Trump. To show my commitment, I guarantee the entire state of Oklahoma will vote for you in the 2020 election. In conclusion, I hope you will consider my application and become a permanent addition to the Stitt family, Daddy. I mean, Mr. President Sir. When asked about Kevin Stitt’s unorthodox State of the State address, all Trump had to say was, “Who?”

Stitt and his new sugar daddy. graphic by Emma Palmer

Doomsday Clock overlooks daylight savings

Drunken scientists forgot to turn the clock back an hour; turns out everything’s okay!

Brian Kwiecinski Armageddidn’t prepper

On Jan. 23, 2020, it was announced that the Doomsday Clock, a symbol of humanity’s ever-shrinking embrace with extinction, had been moved to 100 seconds to midnight. Reporters say at the time of that announcement, millions of people across the world silently kneeled down into a foreboding Tebow. However, it doesn’t end there. In shocking news put out just last week, it turns out everything is fine! The knucklehead scientists behind the Doomsday Clock were drinking heavily the night of Nov. 2 and forgot to set the DC back an hour the next morning! Humanity now has a full hour and 100 seconds to fuck up again. As America stood up from their solemn Tebows, a joyous dabbing session broke out across the nation as we all flirted with our first feelings of hope. Reporters who have seen clocks before knew that this meant that our world was the safest it had been in decades and that nothing could change that. If there was any danger then our little clockwork herald of Judgement Day would have caught it, no sweat! Once the warm and comforting feeling of knowing a disastrous series of interconnected and yet simultaneously independent problems deeply woven into the fabric of society will not affect any current generation began to sink in, the world truly opened up to everyone. The number of risky and reckless business ventures blissfully financed by shady loans skyrocketed. Recycling trucks joyously dumped their waste into nearby parks, while energy corporations cheerfully reopened deprecated waste disposal pipes into nearby rivers. The toxic scent of victory began euphorically permeating the air as everyone took a huge whiff and even turned the water a victorious brown! Following this wave of positivity, the government has finally begun doing what we’ve all been asking for, taking complete control of our lives to maximize our happiness! They started by cutting out all of the toxic people trying to bring us down, so all the negative Nancy contrarians who practice “critical thinking” and claim, “That’s not how the Doomsday Clock works,” or, “It’s supposed a metaphor,” have been rounded up by local law enforcement and will be summarily executed as a brilliant new sunrise comes up tomorrow. Glad they finally got those losers out of the way! In order to combat the possibility of this new age coming to an abrupt end on March 8 of this year, America’s legislative branch has motioned to abolish daylight savings time as a short-term measure and is even hiring researchers to look into how to stop time itself, wonderful! Thankfully, there will be no trouble financing this research as Congress also decided that schools now require a much smaller budget. After all, there is absolutely no point in trying to raise intelligent and well-rounded individuals when our problems are solved and Big Brother is watching! America can breathe a sigh of relief as the millions of dollars that were being wasted on “education” and can finally be used to combat real-world problems. The Doomsday Clock, now known as the Pax Horologium, truly brought peace and prosperity to this world. Just yesterday, all of the world leaders announced, simultaneously in the same tone at the same pitch, that all of the world’s problems were just a matter of perspective. It’s amazing the wonders just one hour can do!

Admin opens esports lounge just to play “D&D”

The esports lounge is open! It was something the student population asked for, and lo and behold the administration delivered. But could there be another reason the administration decided to build the cuttingedge facility? The first full week the esports lounge was open, students could hardly fit in the administrator-packed room. Over a dozen vice presidents, a handful of deans and the Provost/President herself were all there. Vice President for Finance, Operations & Administration, Corporate Secretary & Treasurer, Kevan Buck was seen at the door in a Gandalf costume. “You … shall not … PASS,” said Buck.

Eventually a few students made their way past Buck, who was attempting to collapse the floor with his staff. Much to their surprise, they found all the administrators playing a massive game of “Dungeons and Dragons.” Junior communications major Greta G. Amer expressed her concern. “I mean they must have built the whole thing just to play ‘Dungeons and Dragons,’” said Amer. “They had dice and character sheets and the whole nine yards! This is supposed to be for students!” Amer also noted the aggression between the students and faculty:

“They all got out their most intimidating swords and stood Admin rolls the dice with new “D&D” campaign. Brennen Gray Lvl. 22 wizard

Kevan Buck really rocked his cosplay.

guard in the room while they chanted ‘you’ll never take us alive’ and ‘this is for cool kids only’ and ‘mom says it’s our turn with the esports lounge!’” Other students found the administration’s enthusiasm for role-playing games to be a positive aspect of campus. “League of Legends” team captain XxNoobsbeware69xX spoke his satisfaction: “This is awesome! Gaming can be considered a valid form of entertainment now that old people are doing it!” The student also pointed out the potential for university cohesion: “I mean year, it looks like there is some animosity between the admin and the a m a t u e r gam

ers, but eventually I bet we can all find common ground! The student was unable to say more and had to take his leave, citing “a need to pwn some n00bs with his smurf, no cap.” As far as the campaign itself goes, the administration seems to be fighting a daunting dragon. This eldritch terror comes from the depths of hell itself and will prove more than a challenge for even the best “D&D” players amongst their ranks. Their campaign centers around defeating the great Bujitt Chrysus. The Bujitt Chrysus has been a pretty famous monster across universities all around the U.S., so it’s no surprise that Tulsa picked this module up from all the options. “Curse of Strahd” is just too basic anyway. At any rate, even if the lounge was just built for an admin-lead “Dungeons and Dragons” game, at least we can all enjoy that this is a uniquely TU problem. Like, literally, what other University would this happen at?