The Tufts Daily - Thursday, April 1, 2021 (April Fools' Edition)

THE

MOST FUN

STUDENT

T HE

N E W S PA P E R

OF

TUFTS

UNIVERSITY

E S T. 1 9 8 0

’s Bookstore READ

WHERE YOU “RED” OR “REED” IT FIRST VOLUME: who even uses roman numerals anymore, ISSUE NUMBER: (we have many) ISSUE(s)

MEDFORD/SOMERVILLE, MASS.

Thursday, April 1, 2021

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BREAKING: University announces additional day off from classes

by Alexander Janoff Dashboard kid

Following a heavy backlash from the student body for not offering a full weeklong spring break period, University President Anthony Monaco announced that the university would indeed go on recess later this month on April 31. Monaco explained that the decision to suspend classes was reached after lengthy discussion with both students and faculty and careful consideration of student wellbeing.

“We noticed students finding little engagement in their classes and determined our decision was wrong,” Monaco said. “We acknowledge our mistake, and we are truly sorry.” Monaco told the Daily that the university would be sending an email to the student body and their families at 6 p.m. today, informing them of the change to the academic calendar. “We hope students can use this time to rest and recover towards the end of a lengthy, stressful semester,” Monaco said. “I know this year has been difficult for everyone, and we in

the administration are working our hardest to ensure students have the most rewarding experience here despite everything going on in the world.” Bill Hamilton, an associate professor in the department of economics, was a faculty member who voted in favor of the additional day off, reporting a lack of engagement in many of his classes. “I noticed students dozing off in many of my historically most engaging courses, including Econometrics and EC-0420,” Hamilton said. “Surprisingly, they are also failing to complete

Tufts virgins Instagram account hacked, revealed to be OCL conspiracy

by Definitely not Alex Viveros Washed up bro

Editor’s note: The Daily was chosen as the “No. 1 club to join if you want to surround yourself with other virgins on campus!” in an Instagram post by the account @tuftsvirgins on Dec. 14, 2020. No members of @tuftsvirgins were involved in the publication of this piece. The Daily’s fall 2020 Editor

in Chief, Alex Viveros, adamantly refused to comment (although he did run out of Curtis Hall sobbing as soon as we asked him about it.) In a stunning turn of events, the Tufts Office of Campus life was discovered to be at the center of the account @tuftsvirgins, a popular Instagram page on the Medford/Somerville campus dedicated to limiting the promiscuity of students on campus.

The conspiracy began when members of JumboCode were perusing JumboLife — the Office of Campus Life’s webpage for student activities that literally nobody ever, ever uses — in an effort to find answers to what the f-ck Tufts is doing with the $396 student activities fee that was added onto tuition this year, for some reason, in the middle of the pandemic. What JumboCode found instead was shocking; built into the framework of JumboLife were the username, password and email information for the @tuftsvirgins Instagram account. The account, which has over 800 followers and published its first post on Dec. 12, 2020, appeared to have been created by staff members of the OCL. After logging into the account, JumboCode found a series of private messages between @tuftsvirgins and University President Anthony Monaco. see YOU, on page xx

their 200-page weekly assigned readings, which is atypical of students at this university.” Hugh Jass, chairman of the Health and Empathetic Life Panel for Mechanical Engineers, was a key proponent of the policy, having met with both university officials and students often to mediate a solution. “We are proud of the work that HELPME has done in improving student life this semester,” Jass said. “Hopefully, this extra day off will allow students to enjoy the weather, catch up on assignments or study for upcoming exams.”

According to Monaco, the university had several other dates in mind, including April 20 and May 4 but eventually settled on April 31 as the optimal day off to provide to students. “We figured the 4th would just be too close to finals to be an effective day off,” Monaco said. “And, let’s be honest, the 20th just makes too much sense.” The extra day off from classes will give students a long weekend, providing a chance to relax and reset just ahead of the last week of class.

Tufts student to start toilet reading club by Yiyun Tom Guan Arts haus noos boi

Disclaimer: Tom Guan is a News Editor at the Tufts Daily. He was totally involved in the writing and editing of this article. Tufts student Tom Guan plans to start a new student organization on campus, tentatively named “Tufts Toilet Reading Club” (TTRC). He hopes this new initiative can

help students who enjoy both books that examine the unbearable lightness of being and the erotically cathartic art of fecal release find like-minded Jumbos on campus. Guan, a sophomore, explained that he first conceived the idea when he was doing the readings for an English course while sitting on a toilet bowl. see TTRC , page infinity

Survey data proves Tufts students have strongest legs in NESCAC by Madeline Mueller??? RANK NOT SET ON WEB

Just thinking about making the daily trek uphill or walking up the Memorial Steps is enough to set the glutes, calves and lungs of Tufts students on fire. While all this hiking may be the bane of a students’ existence, new evidence suggests that Tufts students receive significant and measurable benefits.

FEETS / page 4

RATS / page 5

EDDIE / page 11

if you throw an acorn at acornhead and make a wish, it will come true ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

prob either gaga, britney or taylor

tufts must tufts must tufts must tufts must tufts must tuf

A recent survey-based study about student health and health-promoting habits was conducted across several liberal arts schools in New England that are part of NESCAC. The survey was intended to provide information about campus culture for prospective students. However, there are some surprising incisee LEGS , page (2x5)-8 NOOOOOZZZZZ

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RATSSSSSSSSSSS

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JUST FUN

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OOOOOPPPPPSS

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SPROTSssss

BACK

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THE TUFTS DAILY | News | Thursday, April 1, 2021

THE TUFTS DAILY Lark [Redacted] Contributing Writer

— EDITORIAL — Ethan Steinberg Enhanced Copy Editor

Liz Shelbred Colton Wolk Lizard and Wizard

Mad news NOOZ Alex January off Sarah Sandy beach low Rebecca Bark bark ruff ruff Jess Bloughing in the wind the wind Tomas the train engine Guan Liza Parris Robert Kaplan SAT prep Sam bam thank you maam Klugherz Matt McGovernor Sara without an h Renkert Anton Shenk like the weapon washed up ex eic Alicia Zou animal SangRia Agarwal Hot Coco Arcand Peri Arrest Chloe Courtney-Bohling alley Jack in the box Hirsch Zoe Kava Mediterranean restaurant chain Other Jack Maniaci Flora Meng bang sang Sarianna Mchantz Alexander Hamilton Thompson Michael Jordan Weiskopf

Sarah Crawfish Executive Features Editor Amelia Snapper Features Editors Koila Butera Jill Codlins Katie Fishy Ryan Sharker Justin Yu Owen Bass Assistant Features Editor Aisha Catfish Kelpin Du Lena Lobster CalamAri Navetta Salmon Russo Muna Targalit Rat Devina Bhalla Mice Stephanie Hoechst Christopher Panella Yas Salon Colette Smith Geoff Tobia Jr. Drew Weisberg Maeve Hagerty Shrews Sadie Leite Phoebe Wong Priya Padhye Paloma Delgado Eliza Dickson Emily Nadler Grace Prendergast Faye Thijssen

Mars correspondent Pluto correspondent Neptune correspondent Mercury correspondent Death star correspondent Earth correspondent

Julian Ferry Editorial Editor Juanita Asapokhai Amulya Mutnuri Caroline Wolinsky Editorialists Coach Taylor NARPS Tami Taylor Tim Riggins Matt Saracen Smash Williams Lyla Garrity Vince Howard Landry Clark Tyra Collette Luke Cafferty Julie Taylor Jason Street

Jess Blow Investigative Editor Ryan Shaffer Jr. Executive Audio Producer Aidan Menchaca Executive Photo Editor

tuftsdaily.com

Tufts virgins conthead: If you’re reading this, you’re a virgin YOU, YES YOU!

Continuation Page 1 “U up?” the tuftsvirgins account wrote. “Nah fam,” Monaco replied. “I’m going to bed, I actually have to sleep in Gifford House tonight instead of my mansion outside of town. I hate it here. I’m getting out first thing in the morning.” “Oh,” tuftsvirgins said. “Well, uh, I just wanted to lyk that I’m running this account now, this is secretly the OCL btw.” Monaco then proceeded to leave @tuftsvirgins on delivered, based on the fact that he had too many people sliding into his DMs. In a statement to the Daily, the Executive Liaison of the Office of Campus Life initially denied having created the tuftsvirgins Instagram account.

“It wasn’t me,” he said. After the Daily presented him with the evidence provided by JumboCode, however, he confirmed that he had, in fact, ordered the creation of the account. While he did not reveal who the student moderator of the account was, he said that funds were reallocated from the student activities fund to create the Instagram account. “We felt like creating the Tufts Virgins Instagram account was an appropriate way to allocate the money provided by the student activities fund,” the executive liaison of the Office of Campus Life said. “We initially considered letting the TCU Senate handle the money, but we quickly remembered how incompetent they are as a student body on this campus. We decided to keep this project internal.”

In an interview with the Daily, the student representative of @ tuftsvirgins — who asked to stay anonymous on account of losing their virginity halfway through running the account — said that they had been paid a lump sum of $2,339,172 by the Office of Campus Life. “I know there are rumors that TUSC is hoping to bring DaBaby for Spring fling next year,” the student said. “But I’m pretty sure they blew literally the entire student activities fund on hiring me.” The Tufts Virgins representative explained that they had been hired in an effort to spread virginity on the Medford/ Somerville campus. The student quickly found that the task was not too difficult. “Tufts students don’t really get laid,” they said. “I don’t know if you’ve ever swiped through

Tinder on this campus, but I’m most definitely in solidarity with saving yourself for marriage.” In a statement to the Daily, Monaco supported the student’s observation. “It’s like I always say,” Monaco elaborated. “Tufts is where you find your bridesmaids and groomsmen. It is most certainly not where you find your husband or wife.” In a statement to the Daily, a representative from Tufts confirmed that the university stood behind the Office of Campus Life’s decision to create the Tufts Virgins account. “We absolutely stand behind the @tuftsvirgins Instagram account,” the university said. “Who knows, maybe asking everybody on campus to be virgins will actually get them to follow COVID-19 guidelines for once.”

Reading while pooping deemed ‘fun’ TTRC

Continuation Page 111111111111111111111 “I’m taking a course on Saul Bellow, right? There are like 200-plus pages of reading per week. His novels are pretty great, but they’re always about some dude diddling women while thinking about Plato and Nietzsche in his head,” Guan whispered to himself while typing this. “So they’re not the easiest to get through. But one day I started reading while taking a shit, and this book ‘Herzog’ (1964) all of a sudden became a page-turner. The eponymous character’s kaleidoscopic observations of his surroundings, his visceral longing for a higher, more pristine realm of truth, his sickening yet helpless yearning for the unification of flesh and spirit — all of these started making sense to me, as if they’re in consonance with the relentless irritation of my bowel.” Guan believes that practicing reading on a toilet will simply mold Tufts students into better human beings, a task neither academic courses nor Jonathan M. Tisch College Distinguished Speaker Series can fulfill. “You know why we’re not in the Ivy League? People on this campus don’t read enough, nor do they shit enough,” Guan said. “The most groundbreaking achievements of humanity were all commenced on a toilet bowl. Marcel Duchamp came up with ‘Fountain’ (1919) — the defining sculpture of the 20th-century — while he was having diarrhea and, in pain, peeking at a urinal through the bathroom door. (Editor’s note: This is not true.) Immanuel Kant wrote in his autobiography that he realized that existence is not a predicate when he struggled to defecate, because Manny didn’t eat his veggies that day.” (Editor’s note: Immanuel Kant was not banal enough to write an autobiography.) Tufts Community Union ( TCU) Senator TherearesomanyofthemIdontknowwhateachofthemdoes, the one

who’s in charge of recognizing clubs and giving fundings and stuff, refused to provide administrative support for TTRC. “He requested $200,000 to hire photography professors at the [School of the Museum of Fine Arts] to take pictures for him to advertise the club, and another fifty thousand dollars to hire Chrissy Teigen’s social media manager — she quit Twitter a while ago, jeez,” TherearesomanyofthemIdontknowwhateachofthemdoes said. Guan defended his requests, stating that a vibrant social media campaign would be essential to his mission: propagating the sublime unity of reading and defecation. “It’s all about raising awareness and, as [film and media studies] majors can confidently tell you after studying this for four years, social media is now a new layer of reality,” Guan said. “If fellow Jumbos see the professionally processed photos of their peers reading while sitting on a toilet bowl in the Barnum basement bathrooms (best ones on campus, btw) on Instagram, they’ll feel the urge to drop their phone and pick up a Nabokov next time they go No. 2 as well. I’m telling you.” “So who cares if TCU doesn’t fund me — the social media campaign will attract so many people to my club, and they’ll give me money. I’ve dabbled in enough clubs on this campus to know that when people ‘fundraise,’ it’s just asking parents and relatives for money anyway,” Guan said. “So here’s an incentive, club members: if you fundraise enough money, I’ll let you keep your pants on when we photograph you for the ‘gram.” Tufts Toilet Reading Club is now accepting applications to its Managing and Executive Boards. The election, in which all pledged members can vote, will take place at the end of the semester. Yes, TTRC will actually be democratic, unlike the Daily. Ouch. (Editor’s note: We pretend to be democratic, xoxo Managing Board).

Austen Money Executive Video Editor

— PRODUCTION — Still the best section

Yanqing Huang InDesign queen

Campbell Devlin Elizabeth Foster Kendall Roberts Mac Callahan Lucy Kaskel Chau An Tran

Broken office monitors Could not complete your request because of a database error

Annabel Nied Tried Photoshop once Calisa Sana Sam Farbman Creative Cloud Valeria Velasquez Juju Zweifach MarielKate Copy cougars PrivenSeklir There are too many Copy editors Regina George Executive social media John Cena editors

— BUSINESS — Econ bros

Evelyn McClure Ca$h money Maureeeeeeeennn 1 Maureeeeeeeennn 2 Maureeeeeeeennn 3 Outreach Coordinators Pad Thai Barash Web Manager

COURTESY PEXELS / EDITED BY SOPHIE DOLAN

Tom Guan’s personal bathroom and favorite books are pictured.

NOOZ

roykim97@gmail.com

3 MARCH 10, 2021

In search of pity, students again complain about the Hill LEGS

Continuation Page (999-99)/900 dental observations. Most notable is that Tufts students have calf circumferences 1.10 inches larger than the survey average, even when controlling for different build and weight. Including student-athlete data in the sample boosts the number even further. A whopping 1.90 additional inches of pure muscle far outstrips out wimpier contenders like Williams and Middlebury. Interviewed students were not particularly surprised at this news. “I probably walk up and down the Prez Lawn hill five times a day, minimum,” said sophomore Hugh Hamms. “I had to buy new pants halfway through last semester because my quads were too beefy.” Many Tufts students proudly recognize their gains. Sixtynine percent of Tufts students self-identify as having above-av-

erage leg muscles, or, in one student’s words, an “absolute dump truck.” Others, however, found an opportunity to reflect. “Living in the Tufts bubble, where everyone’s legs are absolutely jacked … it can be pretty easy to forget that we are exceptional,” junior Emma Legget said. “I think it’s nice to be reminded that all of our hard work is paying off.” So what sets Tufts students apart from the rest? We already know that academic curiosity and a quirky sensibility make us Jumbos special. The campus geography is another element. Since many NESCAC schools have similarly sized campuses, the main difference in activity was not the time and distance students spent walking. The difference is clearly attributable to the ever-present hills. “We all know that Tufts strives to teach students how to be bet-

ODE TO THE ASSOCIATED PRESS by KateMariel COPY LEGENDS

COURTESY PEXELS / EDITED BY SOPHIE DOLAN

Tufts students leave their Latin Way dorm to walk to Carmichael Hall for lunch. ter thinkers, better citizens of the world,” a recent alumni said. “But the Hill teaches a simpler lesson: grit. It requires students to prac-

AP oh AP We ignored you today, oops Oxford commas, hi! To em- or en-dash Or simply place a hyphen? To you we can turn

tice mental toughness, multiple times a day. You really can’t get that someplace like Amherst or Bowdoin.”

One thing is certain: The student body is living up to the fearsome reputation of Jumbo, because there is junk in our trunks.

Stet stet stet stet stet Stet stet stet stet stet stet stet Stet stet stet stet stet

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FEETS

tuftsdaily.com

Thursday, April 1, 2021

CULT OF THE COLOSSAL ACORNHEAD IS NOW ACCEPTING NEW MEMBERS

by Acorn Head

Executive Head of the Acrons

In the center of campus, on a patch of dirt between Tisch roof and Goddard Chapel lies a giant bronze acorn with a pensive expression. To the majority of students, this is a curious piece of art that keeps Tufts quirky. However, according to the Cult of the COLoSSAl ACorNhEAd, the acorn is more than a metal sculpture, it is the head of a fallen deity, the ‘Corn Lord™ (head of acorn, body of man, tail of squirrel). The founding member of the cult, Brad, who has chosen to go by his first name to protect his identity and his dignity, has always suspected that there’s something more behind the seemingly benign Acorn Head. “If it’s just an acorn, then why does it have a face?” said Brad. “Clearly there’s something they’re not telling us.” On a dark, stormy winter night (obviously it was a full moon), Brad’s suspicions were confirmed. While wandering back to his dorm from the LAX House, he noticed that the Acorn Head’s eyes were glowing bright red. The statue was chanting one word: “hungry.” Frightened, Brad immediately ran back to his dorm to get his roommate, Chad (who has also chosen to go by his first name only). “Brad came in, he was crying a little bit, but he wanted me to go back to the sculpture with him because he’d run away so fast, he accidentally dropped his Natty Light,” said Chad. When Brad and Chad returned to the Acorn Head, they were shocked to find that only a sliver of the beer can remained … in the Acorn Head’s mouth. Brad and Chad were concerned that during future full

moons, the Acorn Head might get hungry and turn on their fellow students. So they took it upon themselves, to visit the possessed sculpture every month to feed it. “I don’t want to say we’re heroes or anything, but we really think the ‘Corn Lord™ would’ve gone on some kind of rampage by now if we weren’t around,” said Brad. Through trial and error, Brad and Chad learned that the Acorn Head’s favorite food is, in fact, acorns. However, gathering a sufficient number of acorns to satisfy the ‘Corn Lord™ every month quickly became tiring, so Brad and Chad enlisted their friends’ help and officially formed Cult of the COLoSSAl ACorNhEAd last fall. “Unfortunately, we’re having trouble getting recognized by the TCU Senate, and they don’t want to give us funding, but it’s something we’re working on,” said Chad. Brad and Chad ask that students who are interested in joining the cult write their full name and phone number on a slip of paper, hide it inside a hollowed-out acorn shell, and drop it in the Acorn Head’s mouth, preferably at night. Ultimately, it is up to the Acorn Head to decide who is worthy of joining. Brad and Chad also encourage prospective cult members to be cautious when approaching the Acorn Head. “We don’t really know what the ‘Corn Lord’s™ vibe is yet,” said Brad. “He could be benevolent or he could be vengeful, so we don’t want to take any risks.” Author’s Note: Only the Cult of the COLoSSAl ACorNhEAd is authorized to feed the ‘Corn Lord™ Please don’t give the sculpture any food or otherwise deface it. You never know what might happen…

For more information on the cult of the COLoSSAl ACorNhEAd, scan here

SARAH CRAWFORD / THE TUFTS DAILY

That Acorn Head is pictured looking where it always looks.

F e at u r e s

Thursday, April 1, 2021 | Features | THE TUFTS DAILY

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Kevin Zhang Tales from the T

Bus everywhere

T

FAYE THIJSSEN / THE TUFTS DAILY

YOU HAVE 30 MINUTES Mods A and B:

Bathrooms are shared, outdated laundry machines, rooms are small. You get a snack unit, but the inside looks like a tornado hit. Hallways have considerably fewer electronics hanging around. But still avoid.

Mods C and D: Benefits are the size of the rooms, private bathrooms, and quality of laundry machines. One star deduction because the number of hanging wires and pipes in the hallway can probably be used to murder someone.

Mods F and G: They’re temporary mods. Rooms are small, no laundry, no snacks, no extra water. But you have the hope that you might just go home because you aren’t officially in isolation yet.

he Silver Line is best known today for the impressive achievement of being the worst line on the MBTA, deftly combining the cost overruns and delays of a subway with the 5 mph top speed of a bus. But did you know that today’s Silver Line comprises but a small fragment of the line’s original plans? Indeed, many extensions have been proposed that would have made the Silver Line a truly world-class, multimodal transit system. Here are some of the more notable ones. The Harbor Branch Today’s SL3 Chelsea Branch was but one of a whole network of routes planned to serve the communities in Northeast Boston. One such route was the Harbor Branch, which would have branched off the SL3 and ran through Winthrop to the Deer Island sewage treatment plant. From here, buses would continue into the plant’s sewage outflow tunnel, running 9.5 miles into Boston Harbor through the bedrock. The route would have connected the seafloor’s dense, transit-starved communities of soft-shelled clams and striped bass with lucrative job markets in Boston’s seafood restaurants. The route would use a bespoke fleet of buses hermetically sealed from the sewage, with the MBTA claiming the buses would still be cleaner than their subway fleet. The first of these buses arrived in early 2021 for testing. As of press time, it had reportedly lodged itself sideways in the outflow tunnel, blocking billions of gallons of sewage outflow. The Riverside Branch Although the Silver Line today runs east from downtown to the Seaport, it was also intended to extend westwards all the way to today’s Riverside station. A planning document from April 20, 1969, describes the intended route. Buses would split from the SL3 south of Wood Island station. Heading down Prescott Street, buses would make a left turn onto runway 15R at Logan Airport. The buses would then be launched into flight using a steam catapult (salvaged from a WW2-era aircraft carrier to minimize cost). Then, it would be a quick five-hour flight to LAX (six with lane closures). From there, buses would run nonstop down I-10 to the Riverside Metrolink station, with a potential extension to UC Riverside. While enjoying popular support, the plan was ultimately shelved due to the bus fleet not meeting FAA noise and emissions regulations. The Somerville Branch The newest plan of the lot, this was proposed in 2015 as part of the then-under construction SEC. It would be a dedicated express line, running nonstop between the SEC (via a station built into the atrium) and downtown Boston, with access solely for engineering students. To accommodate SEC riders, East Hall would be demolished and replaced with a bus garage, coinciding with the closure of the English and history departments. In 2016, Tufts agreed to pay $2 billion for the extension ($200,000 a year for 100 years), with president Manthony Onaco citing the extension’s role in securing research talent and funding and “cementing Tufts’ position as a … world-class research hub.” Months later, this agreement was revoked, with the Board of Trustees electing to instead invest the funds in TUPD and ExxonMobil. Kevin Zhang is a sophomore studying English. Kevin can be reached at kevin.zhang7@tufts.edu.

RATS & CHEESE CULTURE

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ITS BRITTANY BITCH

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Tuna U Good?

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by Muna Targalit folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore 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folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore COURTESY MEGAN SZOSTAK folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folklore folk-A duck is pictured eating a sandwich.

I hate taylor swift

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https://twitter.com/lawrencehurley/status/1359207169091108864?lang=en

The Tufts Daily | CHALLENGE | Try to not ‘aww” when you see the photos on this page.

You Gotta Know: The Tufts Daily P(ets)Board

AUTUMN ASSOCIATE EDITOR “Call me the lizard gizzard.”

BEAKY “EAT”ITOR IN CHIEF “Mmm...stink bug.”

HARRIET

ZOEY, SAM and CHELSEA

Business Director “I’m in charge of the money.”

FEATURES EXEC “I just want a nap.”

TIGER and DILL LAYOUT EXECS “Our faces whenever InDesign crash.”

PERCY PHOTO EXEC “Running out of things funny to say.”

LEO SPORTS EXEC “Say something funny.”

ABBY SOCIAL EXEC “Cat in quarantine.”

P E T S B O ARD

Thursday, Thursday, April April 1, 2021 1, 2021 | THEY | Arts SAY & PEOPLE Pop Culture LOOK LIKE | THETHEIR TUFTS PETS DAILY|

PIPER

MINNIE

YOGI and LÍO

OUTREACH COORDINATOR “The astrology queen!”

ASSOCIATE EDITOR “Lickkkkk.”

COPY EXECS “Upper West Side dogs do it best.”

You REALLY Gotta Know: The Tufts Daily Managing and Executive Board

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THE TUFTS DAILYyyyyy | THE PAGE THAT NO ONE ACTUALLY DOES | Thursday, April 1, 2021

F u n & G a me s F u n & G am e s

tuftsdaily.com

LATE NIGHT AT THE DAILY Guess who?: “Someone I was hooking up with last year tried to Yang Gang me.”

SUDOKU (FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ACTUALLY DO THIS)

JILLIAN R. ROLNICK ASTROLOGY

April Fool’s Day It is the season of the ~fiery Aries~. As Easter is just around the corner, be on the lookout for the Easter Bunny which signifies good luck. But jokes on you because the Easter Bunny doesn’t exist and is just a weird man dressed in a bunny costume so there’s no luck to be had. You know what they say: April showers bring sad boi hours. Finally, Mars is potentially in retrograde, but maybe not, so take that into account and use it to justify your shitty behavior. You’re welcome. SEARCHING FOR LIFE.....

Difficulty Level: Being funny

Sorry no solutions for today. Just deal with it!

The Daily regrets this error.

CROSSWORD (AGAIN, FOR THOSE WHO DO THIS)

IN MEMORIAM: THE TUFTS DAILY ME CHAIR

OOOOOOOPPPSSSS

tuftsdaily.com

EDITORIAL

Tufts must give students fewer days off take students away from learning; if we aren’t here for learning, what are we here for? These 24 hours of temptation became a trap for many students, who forwent schoolwork to participate in staycation activities. Avoid the voice of the wondrous [TUSC], and their flowery meadow. Homer, the Odyssey The Tufts Virgins — a derivative of the Office of Campus life and an organization endorsed by the Tufts Daily, home to many Tufts Virgins — has recently expressed concern about these extra days off. “We are deeply concerned about the ways in which students have been using their time off,” a representative who asked to remain anonymous from Tufts Virgins wrote in an email to the Daily. “What do Tufts students do with free time? SEX. Not very pax et lox [sic] of them, imo.” And now, for our concrete demands: Tuft’s must listen to its constituents as it considers its approach to vacation time for the rest of the semester; Tufts must recognize that the grind NEVER stops; Tufts must do better.

COURTESY ALONSO NICHOLS / TUFTS UNIVERSITY

Students are pictured having “fun” on Prez lawn during spring “break.”

POLL COURTESY CAMPBELL DEVLIN

Thursday, April 1, 2021

VIEWPOINTS

Reimagining Tuft’s admissions by Priya Pancake and Elizabeth Oxidation

Spring has sprung at Tufts University; the Academic Quad is inordinately soggy, picnickers abound on Prez Lawn and the humidity makes the trek up our vertical (virtual) campus all the more memorable. And as we beckon in spring, we witness the close of another admissions cycle. Yet another class of valiant Jumbos will clamber up the Hill to join our glorious herd this fall. This year, Tufts saw an astounding leap in the number of applications sent by hopeful ‘bos, buoyed, in part, by test optional policies implemented in response to the pandemic. This booming admissions cycle moves us to ponder: Are there ways we could make admissions even better, even more expansive – dare we say, revolutionary? At its core, the admissions process poses an age-old, philosophical question to applicants:

choose between numerous “Am I Quirky?” quizzes made available via the Tufts Student Admissions Portal. To ensure validity is maintained and people aren’t going back to attempt to impersonate a quirky person, retakes should not be allowed. However, students should be able to superscore across different tests so they can prove maximum quirkiness. We reached out to prospective applicants to hear more about the unconventional talents that traditional application procedures just can’t capture. Ido Notgohere wrote in an email to the Daily, “You know, not everyone is a writer. Personally, for my “Why Tufts” essay, I want to 3D print a miniaturized Acorn Head to send to the Admissions Office. This project lies at the intersection of my passions for computer science and design.” Honestly, what would you rather have representing you in an admissions file: a standard letter of recommendation or a small Acorn Head that can fit into the

include the panicked flurry of Toks made during that historic Nov. 3 – Nov. 7 period? Or how about the inimitable: “Mi pan sum sum sum sum sum sum?” How is one to translate this to mere paper? Wren Girl 2, another prospective applicant, wrote in an email to the Daily, “We’ve been stuck within the same admissions paradigm for decades, and the pandemic has given us a chance to really reinvent these processes. Maybe Tufts students should have the opportunity to ‘Renegade’ themselves into the hearts of admissions officers.” “I think that my ability to combine emojis is a valuable skill that communicates my ever growing creativity and depth,” wrote FutureSinkemployee. They signed off with an elaborate flourish: “ (ง’̀-‘́)ง ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛) (✿◠‿◠)” At a risk of venturing too far down the TikTok rabbit hole, we turn our attention to a final measure that, albeit controversial, could truly change the face of

Who are you? Each year, thousands of high school seniors agonize over how to distill a human essence – that “je ne sais quoi” that makes them tick – into a 650word text box on the Common Application. We don’t intend to diminish the art of the Common App. Sure, it can be hard to encompass an entire personality in an essay the cumulative length of a CVS receipt. And yes, six drafts in, when you’ve read and reread so many times that you see the lingering after-images of words when you close your eyes, it can all seem, well, a bit futile. Do we claim to have found the formula that resolves the existential angst that arises from having 18 years reduced to a couple test scores and an essay the length of a Canvas discussion post you wrote at 3 a.m.? Maybe not, but we posit that somewhere out there, there’s something better. We can’t claim that you’ll find that elusive “better” within this article. Nevertheless, it’s time to entirely reimagine what admissions could look like. Nowadays, companies have begun to use personality tests, such as “The Myers Briggs” or “The Big Five,” to determine whether applicants are truly the ‘best fit’ for their community. This up-and-coming selection process may provide Tufts Admissions with a way to fulfill the test portion of their application. Students applying to Tufts should be able to

palm of your hand, its unfathomable gaze trained on yours? Another potential applicant for the Class of 2026 proposed a performance instead of a written essay: “I can do a great cover of Fast Car by Tracy Chapman for my admissions officer. However, I am also willing to perform a historical reenactment of Jumbo saving his friend from an oncoming train if singing is still banned on campus come fall 2021.” A third commenter wished to use TikTok as her way of conveying her love for the light on the Hill. In this vein, it is well past time for admissions to evolve with the era. It is vital that Tiktok is recognized as an essential medium, a canvas for student expression. We don’t have the space here to adequately capture the profound depths of the Tok, but let us take a brief foray. Envision this: An officer opens a file to find the sparkling tones of a popular instrumental sound. A student voiceover reads: “10 things about me that just make sense… at Tufts.” The camera pans to a dizzying array of academic accolades interspersed with Birkenstocks, Canada Goose jackets and a carton of oat milk. Or what about the substantial portfolio of election TikToks that proliferated across the platform? Should a student’s witty Nevada ballot counting meme simply disappear into the ether? How can an admissions file truly be comprehensive if it doesn’t

admissions. We propose a partnership with Brown University, wherein students applying for the ED 1 pool at Brown can sign a form agreeing for their rejected application to be sent directly to our offices at Bendetson. With this, they can automatically be considered for regular decision at Tufts. This partnership would ease the Brown to Tufts transition and ensure that students end up at a university with similar ~vibes~ to their childhood dream school. Are there ways to make the admissions process less anxiety inducing? We don’t know. But we’ve thrown out some ideas that can perhaps make things marginally better. Your move, Tufts Admissions.

Mars correspondents

By “The Tuft’s Daily” It is clear that Tufts does not care about its students’ academic success. Last week, Tufts afforded students a whopping 24 hours of spring break. Showering us with time off, while well-intentioned, has serious negative impacts on the academic health of students. Instead of catching up on readings or problem sets, students irresponsibly took advantage of the extra time to get rowdy: they hung out with friends, sat on Prez Lawn, and got free cacti at the campus center. In Tuft’s’ defense, the staycation activities truly did rejuvenate everyone on Tufts’ campus. Items like free distribution of popcorn, succulents, and baskets filled with $35 ($35!!!!) worth of Tufts swag certainly relieved feelings of social isolation, academic burnout and hopelessness about the future of humanity. Surely, waiting outside in the rain in lines that wrapped around SoGo to get free shit is the best way to take a break from your eight midterms. But at what cost? (We’ll give you a hint; it’s far more than $35). Having a day off gives students a sense that they can take a break from their work. These days off

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SPROTS

Space Jamming: Tufts Dr. Michael Jordan can dunk from the free-throw line Thursday, April 1, 2021

by Jeremy Goldstein Sports Editor

Tufts basketball operates in a 21st-century fashion: the team’s office features a modern printer, standard monitor and a sleek paint job. Yet a few weeks ago, the coaching staff was bemused to find the fax machine was buzzing for the first time in 13 years. The message could not have been more cryptic: “I’m back.” The coaching staff was bewildered before a graduate assistant in the back piped up: “Mike! MJ! Michael Jordan is back.” To many, this seemed like an abrupt contamination of the spacetime continuum. Is this 1995? Is this Michael Jordan faxing the Chicago Bulls in 1995 announcing his return to basketball after a year-long foray into minor league baseball? Is Michael Jordan trying to play for Tufts basketball? What on Earth is going on? After decoding the message was related to Michael Jordan (LA’?M’? but apparently he did got here), another graduate, not one who was a particular student of the history of the game of basketball, made an inadvertent breakthrough: “Wait, is that the Michael Jordan who keeps sending me COVID-related emails?” While ESPN, Bleacher Report and other news outlets picked

up a story that Michael Jordan was granted a special exception by the NCAA and thereby able to play basketball at Tufts on his long-overdue fourth year of eligibility, the Tufts coaching staff was making different arrangements. Dr. Michael Jordan, the university’sinfectioncontrolhealthdirector, attending physician in the Division of Infectious Diseases and Geographic Medicine and the man emailing everyone the university’s COVID-19 updates, is proving to be a difference-maker in a different kind of laboratory: the blacktop. He’s still perfecting his shot, but we’re not talking about vaccines. In a now hallowed first practice, Jordan was quintessentially Jordan: free-throw line dunks, finger wags after blocked shots and eyes-closed foul shots were all commonplace. Interim head coach Alex Smith assumed this was all part of some giant charade. “I literally thought I was on the set of ‘Space Jam,’” he said. Despite the frozen status of the Division III hoops season, Jordan is managing to attract more attention than the league has ever seen, combined. Daily scrimmage highlights of Dr. Jordan surface on every social platform available, creating a storm nearly as large if the Bulls legend himself was returning

tuftsdaily.com

COURTESY WALLPAPERUSE / EDIT BY SOPHIE DOLAN

Tufts Dr. Michael Jordan breaks ankles on the court as he dribbles around his subordinates. to play. Regardless, the six-time NBA Champion, and his company, have taken notice. Air Jordan released a statement reading, “Do we have plans for a new shoe? Let’s just say the future of hospital footwear will never be the same.” Let’s clarify names: Michael Dr. Jordan is a Tufts graduate and leading expert on the pandemic. Michael J. Jordan is the greatest player of all time. However, the perplexing situation took another twist when actor Michael B. Jordan decided to throw his two cents into the

matter and revealed yet another stunning development. “We of the United States Michael Jordan society want to remind everyone that until today, none of the 3,221 Michael Jordans in the United States was superior to any other,” said B. Jordan. “However, we have recently finished our experiment combining the skills of all 3,221 of us into a singular individual, selected at random from our population.” He continued. “Thus, it appears Dr. Michael Jordan has already taken

advantage of his newfound basketball ability. In the future, I anticipate collaborating with him in films to experiment with the quality of his action. That is all” Will this complicate Jordan’s ability to play for Tufts during the 2021–22 season? With his NCAA eligibility in tow and skill level exceptional, the only hurdle to Tufts cake walking through the NESCAC is ensuring he does not get tempted by any of his other 3,220 talents. Oh, and he has a university health program to run.

with many around the league thinking that Cole’s Dreamville associates Bas and JID could be next to come to Brooklyn. Joining Duncan in relaunching his NBA career is his old rival, Dirk Nowitzki. Nowitzki will add to one of the deepest, most ancient power forward rotations in basketball history. Nowitzki said, “Coach Nash assured me that I would have to play no more than 45 seconds per game, so I think that this will be the perfect fit for continuing my career.” Further rumors suggest that those 45 seconds are a very specific plan, where Nowitzki will come in and launch two fadeaway shots before coming out for the rest of the game. This alarming display of potential offensive firepower has to strike fear in the hearts of opponents. Despite Brooklyn boasting a roster that definitely would have gone undefeated in 2014, the rest of the NBA, or one team, in particular, will not roll over for the Nets to run roughshod over on their way to a title. The Lakers first struck by making a pair of under the table moves. Since the trade deadline has already passed, LeBron

James promised Suns general manager and former teammate James Jones that he would mention him whenever asked for his favorite player to play with. In exchange, Jones shipped Chris Paul to L.A., where he will team with friend James to create the top squad in the West. The ageless Paul expressed concern about the menial trade package that he fetched, but it appears that he is all-in for his pursuit to earn his first NBA title. The second sneaky deal made by the Lakers came in their acquisition of Carmelo Anthony. Again after the trade deadline, the Lakers offered the use of Hollywood’s studios to create an alternate reality where Brandon Roy and Greg Oden turned into superstars. Portland brass jumped at this offer, sending over Anthony in exchange. James expressed excitement about finally getting to play with Anthony, saying, “I’ve always wanted to play with Melo. He’s a great young talent who showed his potential in Charlotte, and … Wait, we got Melo Anthony?” The final signing came with another player who was in retirement, with Dwyane Wade ending

his multi-year retirement to join his Banana Boat buddies in L.A. Lakers coach Frank Vogel hinted that Anthony, Paul and Wade would instantly join the starting lineup, with another impact signing potentially on the way. That last signing has been rumored for weeks to be Shaquille O’Neal, but it appears up in the air whether O’Neal would want to join the squad. Vogel said, “Obviously if we get Shaq, AD will move to the bench. Want another ring, Shaq?” That starting job could tempt Big Aristotle to return to LA, where he could end up doing battle with old foes Duncan and Nowitzki in the NBA Finals. This flurry of moves will no doubt shake up the rest of the NBA season. Other teams are in fear of the ageless wonders that Brooklyn and Los Angeles will send out, and it is looking like a two-team race for this year’s NBA title. Update: Only days later, Duncan, Nowitzki, and Wade all suffered minor injuries in their first game, but it looks like they will cost the stars some major time. The only real update has been on Duncan, whose strained pinkie toe will put him out for two months.

Nets continue to build, signing Cole, Duncan, Nowitzki: Anthony, Paul, Wade head to LA by David Cooperman

RANK NOT SET ON WEB

The Los Angeles Lakers and Brooklyn Nets each made a trio of moves recently, making themselves the clear frontrunners to do battle for the NBA title. Tim Duncan was the first domino to fall, coming out of retirement to sign a one-year minimum contract. When asked about why he chose to break his five-year retirement, Duncan merely smirked as Nets GM Sean Marks laughed mani-

acally in the corner. Duncan will rotate with recent signings LaMarcus Aldridge and Blake Griffin in the big man rotation. The next signing, J. Cole, is just as much of a shock. The rapper, who has always been known for his on-the-court exploits, joined Duncan in signing a minimum deal. Nets head coach Steve Nash said, “I really think he can challenge James (Harden) for a starting job. He could end up being the most important player on this team.” The rumor mill is abuzz after this signing,

COURTESY NATHANIEL S. BUTLER/NBAE VIA GETTY IMAGES

Carmelo Anthony, Dwyane Wade #3 of the Miami Heat, Chris Paul #3 of the Houston Rockets and LeBron James #23 of the Los Angeles Lakers pose for a photo after Wades last game against the Brooklyn Nets on April 10, 2019 at Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York.

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