The Tufts Daily - Monday, October 31, 2022

The Tuff Slay-ly

by Aaron Gruen

President Tony Monaco announced this morning that he would sell the School of the Museum of Fine Arts (SMFA) to the highest bidder. Monaco told the Daily that acquiring the SMFA was the “worst decision of my ten ure” and “very much NOT an SMFslay,” in an apparent attempt at a pun.

“I don’t understand the art these kids make,” Monaco said in an exclusive interview with the Daily. “They say it’s about Marxism, but it’s just a bunch of splotches of paint. Weird!”

Following Monaco’s announce ment, the SMFA Coven Of Witches (COW) assembled outside Gifford House to lay curses upon the President. COW, which is a TCUrecognized club, also painted pen tagrams in goat’s blood on side walks around campus.

The witches told the Daily in unison, “Omina mala sint cum Monaco Imperatore reliquis die bus, et semper olent fimum lep oris!” *

Now that the school no longer belongs to Tufts, SMFA students will be banned from the Medford/ Somerville campus. TUPD officers have been instructed to escort

anyone wearing Etsy crystal ear rings or knee-high Dr. Martens boots off campus.

from

Simone St. Claire du

a Pisces, I’m very sensitive to emo tional stressors and people whose last names are also countries. I immediately started crying when I heard Tony Monaco sold us out.”

Onyx Blacksmythe, who tells people he cuts and dyes his own hair but actually goes to a boutique salon in Boylston, told the Daily he has already lost funding for his poststructur alist experimental mixed-media perfor

Students are already thinking of ways they can save the SMFA. Tallegio Gordon, who is a vegan except for dairy, eggs, fish, chick en, pork and beef, is starting a fundraiser to support efforts to re-buy the SMFA for Tufts.

“If you donate $10 to our fund raiser, I will give you a stick and poke tattoo!” Gordon said on his Instagram story. “You can have any design you want, as long as it is a root vegetable of my choosing. All pro ceeds will go towards buying back our school (and acquiring more goat blood for the COW protestors).”

Although SMFA students are try ing to reincorporate the school with Tufts, we are told that several bids have been made for the school. Among those vying for control of the SMFA are Grimes, Raytheon, Nike (the ancient Greek goddess), Nike (the

shoe company) and the Sacramento Municipal Finance Association, who are only in it for the acronym rights.

One fan of the decision to sell the SMFA is the bus driver in charge of shuttling students from Somerville to Boston.

“Finally, I will get to start driving the route to Davis Square,” he said. “No offense to the SMFA kids, but I don’t care what happens to them.”

In the future, Tufts Dining Services will no longer manage the SMFA Café. Instead, the café will be turned into a Dunkin’ Express.

“Wait, we get a Dunkies at the SMFA? Then why are we so mad?” Gordon said. “Forget about Cummings Starbucks, this is much better.”

This article is sponsored by Dunkin’ Donuts. America Runs on Dunkin’ ™

mance art project.

Columbus, OH, said the decision to sell the school left her shocked.

“We were just minding our busi ness, smoking our menthol ciggies outside the Campus Center when we found out,” du Océane said. “As

“I no longer get a stipend for my performance art: breaking into Dewick in the middle of the night and eating all of the leftover pota to triangles,” Blacksmythe said. “If you break into Dewick in the mid dle of the night to eat potato tri angles and there’s no one on your livestream because you don’t have the funding to publicize the event, do you even get to brag about it?”

by Aaron Klein Executive Truth-seeker

Tufts Dining Services announced in a Friday evening email to the community its plan to replace all polypropylene eat ing utensils with polystyrene eat ing utensils. The proposed change will impact all dining locations across the University’s Boston, Grafton and Medford/Somerville campuses.

“The University has a long tradition of using polypropyl ene utensils,” Director of Dining and Business Services Patti Klos wrote in the email. “The history of these utensils at this institution is rich, but we feel it is due time for change.”

Spoons, knives, forks and sporks will all be affected by this change.

The announcement comes as the trend of polystyrene utensil use continues to spread across the… Good, you’re still here. Now that the weak-minded are gone, we need to talk. I had to include all that fake boring information above just to ensure that only those driven enough would make it beyond. I do apologize if your eyes have already glazed over, but now you are here with me, and your third eye is about to gain sight. Here is my truth:

Tufts University is not what it seems, and many of the students who populate its lawns and halls are not to be trusted. I can see your eye rolls, but you must trust

me. I have seen things that you have not, unimaginable things, and with a responsibility surpass ing my own safety, I will make this institution’s secret history known.

were decent, students were kind, and campus was beautiful. Even with COVID, my time on cam pus was overwhelmingly positive, and I was happy. In hindsight, though, there were incongruous moments.

I first arrived at Tufts University in fall 2020. My immediate impressions were pure. Classes

I remember the first time I encountered a sense of discom fort. I was walking on the aca demic quad when the remnants of two Carm coffees hit my blad der. I was still new to campus, and I had not yet cataloged viable restrooms. Urgency remained, though, and as such, I approached a student with hopes of receiving direction. They were all smiles upon my approach, and then I asked for directions to the nearest restroom. All at once, their smile disappeared. They stood staring

at me, motionless beyond slight inhale exhale of the chest. After a few moments, they spoke sternly, telling me that I must never use the restroom in the basement of Tisch Library. They then resumed smiling and promptly walked away.

It was a strange interaction, though I did not think deeply about it at the time, as my atten tion immediately turned to the fact that their lack of answer to my question and their alarming ly stern demeanor had promptly caused me to piss myself.

Over my years at this University, similar interactions continued to occur, though it was not until joining the Tufts Daily that I started to grow conscious of the horrors lying beneath my feet.

*

Translation:

“May bad omens be with the Emperor of Monaco for the rest of his days, and may he always smell like rabbit dung!”

A friend of mine texted me. He said that he was studying in Tisch when he heard a scream. When he went toward the source of the sound to check if every thing was okay, there appeared to be no issue. In fact, there appeared to be no one at all. He knew I was on the Daily and figured I might be interested in investigating. I asked him where he was in Tisch

the time. He said that he was in the basement and that the scream came from the restroom.

When I raised this story to the Executive News Editor, she immediate ly rejected the idea and told me that I should drop the lead entirely and never raise the subject again.

I obeyed her command, but that first lead never left my mind. That was years ago now, and while I publicly stopped my pursuits, my own private truth-seek ing has continued.

The Tufts Daily is corrupt, along with all other outlets of media at this school. There have been murmurs of more peo ple disappearing in the Tisch basement bathroom. I can confirm that these mur murs are founded in truth. This, the Daily would never tell you.

My investigation has been vast, and my discoveries have been significant. There is too much to share in the space that I have here, so I will spare you the details and jump directly to the core of this entire conspiracy.

The hill that this entire institution is so famously built upon is not a hill; it is a bunker. Hiding within, alive and well, are a man and his elephant: P. T. Barnum and the ever-famous Jumbo.

I know what you are thinking. How can a dead man and his dead pet live? Tisch bathroom is the key. I am unsure of when exactly the bunker was construct ed or of how long it has been occupied, but I do know that its only entrance is

through the Tisch basement bathroom toilet. Students unfortunate enough to sit upon it are sucked in, cooked and consumed to keep Barnum and Jumbo alive. The pair feed off life-energy, and their unending lifespan grows with each kill.

So, bunker beneath the hill, but what is their master plan? Through my research, I have discovered that in a few years, Barnum and Jumbo will have con sumed enough life-energy to break free of their bunker and run as a ticket in the 2024 U.S. presidential election.

My understanding is that their hope is to “drain the swamp,” but I do not believe this. Allowing Barnum and Jumbo to win office will only push Washington into an even deeper state of corruption and send our country into an unprecedented economic and social spiral.

This is, I am sure, all very alarming to you. I know it must sound far-fetched, I even question my own sanity writing all this, but I know it to be true and now you know too.

Please take this information and run with it. I am not sure how much longer I can remain covert in my operations, and this message must be spread. So, take to the internet and make known this conspir acy. You can find a community of fellow believers at www.jumbOnon.net. Know that you are not alone in this.

Now, our communication must end here. I do hope you hear my words and accept that the world is not as you knew it. You are enlightened now, and as long as you stay alive, no one can take that from you. Remember, no one is to be trust ed. The Hill has eyes, my friend… the Hill has eyes.

Abby Stern Stern in Somerville

Today, I breathed in the fresh air as I took seven breaths a second, huffing and puffing up a mountainous hill simply to arrive at my first class of the morning. The geographic landscape of this gorgeous uni versity oasis is so beautiful when comple mented by the cacophony of smells lofting up from Dewick-MacPhie and Hodgdon: Food on the Run, two cuisines I’ve had the pleasure of frequenting here in Somerville.

As I’ve journeyed to this corner of the Earth, I find myself eagerly ingesting the Somerville culture, language, and art. For example, the local Tufts students engage with an online platform called “Sidechat,” wherein they cultivate an incredibly spe cific university culture. Though during the day at Tufts, Sidechat appears to be a taboo subject, a running joke of which no one wants to admit they are a part, it is clear that Sidechat is as much a part of Somerville life as walking to Davis Square to go to bfresh and ending up leaving with seven items from Buffalo Exchange.

The Tufts language has also been an immense pleasure to experience. The stu dents here often discuss their affinity for working in “Cum,” their name for an aca demic building. Those who do not use the vernacular of the “Cum Center” are ostra cized for not speaking the local language. I had to catch on quite quickly.

My time in Somerville has also exposed me to exotic artwork on a daily basis. A large elephant statue greets me every morning as I venture through my day attending school in this city. Its subtlety strikes me every time I stroll by.

This week in Somerville, I’ve been expe riencing the cultural ritual of “Halloween.” The local Tufts students are quite enthused by an upcoming holiday, referring to the preceding weekend as “Halloweekend.” My friends and I, excited by the prospect of experiencing such a wonderful Tufts University ritual, decided to dress up as elaborate Zombies, complete with fake blood and ripped clothing. We set out to explore Tufts nightlife in the lead up to October 31st.

We were shocked to find our costumes far too effortful. Though we had heard costumes are an integral part of this holi day, we saw that most people simply wore outfits resembling no discernible person, place, or thing. That being said, partici pants in the festivities took an abundance of photos, which I learned is a large part of the day’s customs.

I finished the evening engaging in a time-honored Tufts tradition: visiting the eatery known as “Pizza Days.” A small and dimly lit room, Pizza Days remains open late into the night, nourishing the local population at a time when food is scarce. I ordered the french fries, and I was thrilled when they came in a pizza box with packets of ketchup tucked into the pile of golden brown potatoes. I felt so integrated into the culture as I exited the establishment, pizza box of french fries tucked under my arm. Whether because of the early morn ing hour or long night prior, I had never tasted french fries so delicious.

I look forward to further exploration of Somerville and Tufts life as I spend the remainder of my semester here in this city. Tune in next week for a new addition of “Stern in Somerville” where I discuss my experience navigating the underground labyrinth known as Aidekman Arts Center.

free???

Monaco’s Millions

On August 1, 2011, a man who had already made many an important discovery made a discovery that would change the rest of his life.

The man? None other than Anthony P. Monaco. The discovery? A simple hand written note.

Mr.Monacomanhandlesmoney.

JSG/TUFTSDILLYDALLY

Following in the great tradition of American presidents, outgoing university president Lawrence Bacow had left Tony P. Monaco a note wishing him well in his new role, offering guidance, and most impor tantly, a challenge. The Daily recently found the classified note during a raid on Mon-a-Lago, Monaco’s vacation residence located on a 0.76 acre country club owned by Anthony P. Monaco and his wife Zoia in Arlington, MA.

“Dear T-man,” the letter opens. “I’m so ready to get out of this 1.0 billion dollar endowment and move on to work some where that’s much much more well-en dowed. But while your [sic] stuck here, I have some advice for you: 1) Tufts students will protest and complain about things until they get distracted by mid terms and pretty trees, so just make sure to do all you’re [sic] controversial shit right towards the middle of October. 2) The rooms on campus and the number of faculty grow all by themselves to accom modate student body size — it’s sorta like Hogwarts — so don’t worry at all about the size of the student body getting out of con trol. 4) Talk about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict a LOT. Students and more impor tantly, donors, love it.”

of fees and surcharge he could apply to tuition, an initia tive that has seen remarkable success, with tuition up by near ly $30,000 turing Tony’s

One of the most recent and scarring — at least for students’ bowels — of Monaco’s initiatives was a total overhaul of the dining hall formerly known as Carm. In an interview with a former advisor of The Honorable Dr. Monaco’s, who asked to remain anon ymous, recounted a meeting with the uni versity president.

“He turned to us and said, ‘How can we raise the price of food on campus?’ After thinking through lobster night every night, adding gold leaf to the Sunday sundaes, and building a new dining hall on the seventh floor of Cabot that would require dozens of workers just to get the food up and down, we landed on a special allergen free dining hall. That way we could charge way more money for ingredients that cost the same amount,” they said.

“Then, in the middle of the meeting, Tony just started chanting, ‘Au gratin! Au gratin! Au gratin!’ He said that if we took every single vegetable and made it ‘au gratin,’ we could double the cost per meal swipe.”

Monaco, Anthony’s other initiatives have included working with facilities. According to one inside source, he has attempted to quadruple students’ facilities fees by running Tufts’ leaf blowers for 16 hour a day. According to a private com munication with the Board of Trustees obtained by the Daily, he also commis sioned the digging of twelve holes placed strategically around campus, which can now be spotted blowing steam at all hours of the day. Asked about what made the placement “strategic,” a bashful Monaco admitted that the main strategy was ensur ing that the ground was as hard as possible to drive up expenses.

The most scandalous project uncovered by the Daily, however, is Monaco’s “pet” project, codenamed “Project Playboy.”

Tony has paid over 13 million dollars in the past three years to purchase bun nies to make Tufts’ campus feel “cute” and “silly” and “seasonal.”

Tales from the T: The Boston Avenue Intermodal Transit

Commuter Hub

After a lengthy digression into his favorite places to defecate on campus (Tilton hall comes in at #1), followed by a bizarre and rabidly anti-penguin diatribe about Tufts Veterinary School, Bacow dis cusses his plans for the future.

“T-man, as you know, I’m moving on up in the world over to Harvard. I’m not quite slated to be the president over there yet, but I have a good feeling about what’s com ing. As such, I want to offer you a friendly challenge of ‘equals’: I’ve set aside 5% of the Tufts endowment in an offshore holding in, well, Monaco. Whoever can raise the tuition higher at their respective institution before the end of their tenure will get it. Let’s see what your [sic] able to do!”

With those two sentences, Tony M’s life changed forever. He abandoned his beloved plan of converting Braker Hall into an advanced hummingbird sanctuary and left his dreams of dying all of campus’s grass brown and blue to languish. Tony P Monaco girded his loins and set off to raise tuition in any way possible. He went into his office and began drafting up a list

“The problem,” Monaco confessed after being emailed several times about this, “is that the bunnies keep eat ing each other. Just last week, I saw Snickers walking around campus with piec es of Whiskers coming out of his mouth.” As a result, Tufts has reinvested every year in its bunny population, despite bunnies’ being known for their speedy reproduction.

As Monaco and Bacow both conclude their tenures this year, Monaco seems poised to claim the big windfall, with Harvard’s tuition falling significantly below Tufts’. A recent email from Bacow to Anthony read, “I can’t believe your [sic] going to win this bet.”

Students and parents contacted for this story were disappointed to learn that they’d been funding a fancy building with no outlets full of expensive yet uncomfort able chairs and yard games for students living in trailers, just in order to drive up the cost of tuition. One person, however, seemed happy with Monaco’s program: Dayglow said, “Yeah, I was just wso stoked that they handed me $40,000 and said it didn’t even matter if I showed up. All they cared about was making it look like the money was being used for something.”

by Kevin Zhang Columnist

Tufts University, in conjunction with the MBTA, recently announced the start of con struction on the Boston Avenue Intermodal Transit Commuter Hub, or the [REDACTED], a major upgrade pro gram for the Medford/Tufts T stop that will transform it into a true state-of-the-art trans portation hub. The Daily sat down with Tufts Overlord Manthony Onaco to discuss this new station and what it will bring to Tufts.

By now, we’re all familiar with the GLX’s budget overruns, which have necessitated major cost cutting measures. For example, in their most recent budget analysis, the MBTA found they could only afford to pay for one of the two tracks in the Medford/ Tufts station. The land for the second track was then sold to Tufts, who will use it to construct an aircraft runway. Flights will operate from this runway to various destina tions frequented by those at Tufts, including Martha’s Vineyard, Fairfield County (labeled on departure boards as “basically New York City”), Little St. James, and Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Mohammed bin Salman’s pal ace. “We’re also considering operating flights from this runway to the Academic Quad, so our most privileged students and overpaid administrators can avoid having to soil their petticoats climbing the hill with you plebs,” said Onaco.

One of the biggest gripes that many stu dents have with the current station is the Cumbucks intersection, which deftly man ages to infuriate pedestrians and drivers simultaneously. To address these concerns, Tufts announced plans to remove any and all signals from the intersection, so that cars and pedestrians can pass through freely. Students won’t have to queueue at the bridge until the “WALK sign is ON” if there is no walk sign. Now, they can simply pray to the gods of their choice and run. “This new plan allows us to tackle both traffic congestion and stu dent overpopulation,” said Manthony. “If COMP11 doesn’t weed out these first-years, then the intersection will.”

The redesign of the intersection will also involve the demolition of Curtis Hall, long time home of the Tufts Daily. “Demolishing Curtis Hall isn’t even necessary for traffic flow,” said Onaco. “I’m just so tired of the Daily existing. I mean, who the hell wants to read a column about soup? At least write about something that everyone actually cares about, like trains or something.” As of press time, the writer can be found crying into his pillow.

The new station will have another fea ture that many have long wished for — a bridge from the Cum Center to the quad. Scrapped from the original Cum Center plans, this bridge is back from the dead — but instead of a pedestrian bridge, this will be a bus-only bridge. The only access across the bridge will be via the Joey, which will be extended from the CC to the JCC. “This new transit-only bridge is a shining example of Tufts’ commitment to a green, sustainable campus”, Manthony said, as he quickly slid an ExxonMobil investment earnings report under his desk. “What’s more, it will provide students with the same reliable, frequent, and punctual transportation that they’ve come to expect from the Joey.”

With all these exciting new changes, the only remaining question to ask is, when will the station open? “lol idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, next year? Doesn’t matter, it won’t be my problem.” said Onaco. “You’re on your own, kid / You always have been.”

Sam Russo first-year contributing writer

oo K y bab I e

MISSEDCONNECTIONS

You: dressed as sexy mothman. Me: wearing a flannel and calling myself a lumberjack. When: the crescent moon ascended overhead, casting ghostly light over our quiver ing faces. your porcelain hand, the brush of gossamer on my skin. i met your eyes for an infinite moment, but the details of your face eluded me. like the mythical creature you are you escaped into the night, leaving behind nary a trace of your exis tence. Where: lax hous (NO E)

You: Wordpress. Me: A sleep deprived Layout Exec who just wants to finish this damn paper.

When: Every single night at 2am. Where: Basmemet

You: Wordpress. Me: M-boarder, banging on my computer, sec onds away from tears trying to get content to the Layout Exec who is yelling at me. I hate it here.

When: Every 5 minutes. Where: Basememmet

You: A spooky, scary skeleton. Me: Getting absolutely lit listening to your bops. When: Halloween. Where: Your mom’s house - she’s a ghost now ;)

Fart S&P oo P c ULt U re

What is scarier than Halloween? nepotism babies

Halloween is a scary time. Whether it be watching horror mov ies or going to a haunted house, there are many spooky and scary things to do throughout the month of October to get you in Halloween mode. However, there is something even scarier than watching some one get decapitated in “Hereditary” (2018) or binging the entire “Scream” franchise—modern-day nepotism babies.

Colloquially referred to as nepo babies, nepotism babies are chil dren of famous parents who tend to follow in their footsteps by seek ing a career in the entertainment industry. But, what makes nepotism babies so scary? The answer to that question is mediocrity. When a job in the entertainment industry is handed to you on a silver platter, there is no need for you to prove your talent; you are simply given the job because of your bloodline. This leads to mediocre actors and music artists infecting our screens with inadequate content and what is scarier than mediocre entertain ment?

Nepotism babies have not

eXCLusIVe

always been bad. In the past, nep otism has gifted us with some great talents: Carrie Fisher, daughter of Debbie Reynolds; Laura Dern, daughter of Diane Ladd and Bruce Dern; Jamie Lee Curtis, daughter of Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh; Gwyneth Paltrow, love her or hate her you cannot deny she is icon ic, daughter of Blythe Danner and Bruce Paltrow. These nepo babies have graced our screens for years and blessed our lives with roles such as Princess Leia and Holly Holiday from “Glee” (2009-15), Paltrow’s best role. This generation of nepo babies is excused from the criticism that will follow.

Modern-day nepotism babies need to be stopped. Let us start with public enemy number one— Brooklyn Beckham. Beckham has made a career using his famous par ents, David and Victoria Beckham. According to the Internet, Beckham is a “former model and photogra pher,” and if any of you have had the displeasure of reading his book of photography featuring mediocre photos and terrible captions, you know he should not be awarded

the title of photographer. There are six-year-olds who have taken better Snapchat selfies than the photos in his book.

Next up, Pauline Chalamet. Chalamet is the daughter of

formance is bland and distracting. She uses the same tone of voice in almost every scene and her act ing feels awkward 99 percent of the time. Chalamet really should take some acting advice from her Academy Award and Golden Globenominated brother.

Broadway actress Nicole Flender and writer, and filmmaker Marc Chalamet and the sister of the icon ic Timothée Chalamet. Pauline, who has had minor roles in other projects, garnered more “main stream” fame after her role in Mindy Kaling’s “The Sex Lives of College Girls” (2021–). The show itself is not bad, it is a typical Kaling comedy just directed at an older audience. That being said, Chalamet’s per

Interview With snL’s stefon: Tufts’ hottest club

This week, The Tufts Daily brings you an exclusive interview with Saturday Night Live’s Stefon, who tells us all about this year’s hottest halloween events. Below is the tran script of the interview.

Interviewer: So, Stefon, can you tell us what you’re doing this Halloweekend at Tufts University?

Stefon: Do you even have to ask? I’ll be at Tufts’ hottest club, and when I say club I mean the spooky haunt ed house event in the Hotung Café.

Hosted by none other than TUSC itself, full of ten of the people who loved volunteering but only in the capitalist kind of way, this place has everything. A booth, colorful lights, the soundtrack to Disney’s Haunted Mansion ride, a kid who didn’t make it onto TCU Senate, a kid who did make it onto TCU Senate, and the JV men’s rowing team who actually lives there.

Interviewer: Wow, that sounds awesome. What do you do there?

Stefon: Tufts’ hottest club also has Tufts’ hottest clubs. I am of

by Emmy Wenstrup and Blake Anderson RANK NOT SET ON WEB

course talking about none other than the traveling treasure TRUNK! Children’s theater troupe, Torn

Ticket II, who is performing a 5-hour extended cut of a Sondheim musi cal even I’ve never heard of, and the Tufts Tabletop Gaming Club. With all this heat, it’s no won der OCL is actively trying to shut it down at any given moment.

Interviewer: So we’ve established who’s there, but what’s going on there?

Stefon: So the Bubs are there doing a rendition of ‘’I Want You Back,’’ Tufts freshest all-gender a capella group sQ! Is there doing a stunning and haunting rendition of “Cbat,’’ but get this––they’re singing at the same time, constantly competing for dominance. By the end it’s just screaming. Oh, the screams.

Interviewer: Sounds like a lot of things competing for your atten tion! But was it scary?

Stefon: Oh it was the spookiest.

As ‘’Grim Grinning Ghosts’’ came over the Hotung AV system, every one’s eyes were turned to the mez zanine, where the Sexual Health Representatives greeted them with

a devilish grin. They had surprises in store. Lo and behold a phallic cannon peered over the railing. One of them yelled “it’s a hump day give

Jaden Smith is yet another nepo tism baby with famous parents and a famous sibling. Son of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, Jaden has had a career in Hollywood from a young age, starring in “Karate Kid” (2010) at the age of 11. Since “Karate Kid,” it is hard to think of a single role Smith has had in a film. According to Wikipedia, Smith is a rapper and a singer, but similarly, it is hard to think of a single song of his. His sister, Willow, on the other hand, makes great music. Stream her latest album, “<COPINGMECHANISM>” (2022) right now.

Now for public enemy number one—Jake Gyllenhaal. This man truly might be the “nastiest skank bitch” in the great words of Regina George. Not only has this man con sistently delivered mediocre perfor mances throughout his career, bar

nal chill will gently grace your bones. Consentually. Oops, I meant sensually.

Interviewer: What’s going on on

Stefon: Well, where my jazz cats at? Tufts’ only student-run jazz big band is performing all night long. You’ll want them to stop… but they won’t! Just when you think the song is over. They go up a key, and the bass trombonist gets a prolonged, improvised solo. I can still hear the low, girthy hums now.

Interviewer: Oh my god. Is there anything else?

“Brokeback Mountain” (2005) – that movie is perfection – but he also did icon Taylor Swift so dirty. Until Mr. Gyllenhaal returns Swift’s scarf and issues a 12-page apology for his actions, he will never be forgiv en and will be forever known as the world’s worst nepotism baby.As you have seen, there are countless nepotism babies in the entertain

by Ryan Fairfield Assistant Farts Editor

ment industry that simply do not deserve the hype they get. We have not even gotten into Bella Hadid, Dakota Johnson, Kate Hudson, or Jack Quaid. Those nepo babies are for another day. The reign of nepo babies is endless and they keep popping up everywhere, whether it be modeling, acting, or singing. Not all nepotism babies are bad, such as Maya Hawke, Gracie Abrams, and Zoë Kravitz, however, there are too many bad ones that it gives the good ones a bad name. There truly is nothing scarier than mediocre nepotism babies and sadly, it does not look like they are going any where anytime soon.

only audition-based improvisation al comedy group? Where are the Cheap Sox? And little did I know they were rehearsing that very eve, and around the corner they sprint ed in their little pink button downs. They asked me to provide them with a noun and they quickly pro vided chants of “sex with me is like asparagus… makes your pee smell bad for a few hours!” and howled with laughter.

Interviewer: Well who doesn’t love improv comedy?

It’s taken years to build an aesthetic to embody a girl with pink hair: hundreds of dollars of bleach and hair dye from Sally’s Beauty Supply, hair that won’t stop at all odds — a year and counting of assault ing it with at home hair dye every month — and the inevi table disgust from any profes sional hair stylist who touches my hair. This labor all to be outshined by The Tufts Daily’s new sponsor: Austen Riggs Center. If you have interacted even slightly with the Daily

within the past months, you’ve seen their poster asking the enduring question: Anxious? Depressed? Isolated?

Anxious?

When I first saw her, it was strange yet still funny because of the novelty. First debuting to me on Instagram, a rather abrupt image confronting the prevalence of mental illness on campus is enough to make a company ready to peddle their wares. It’s the new version of bizarre depression

by RaiAnn Bu Arts Editor

with the teeth on the wrap per – shot at the innocent crowd of virgins at 80 kilometers per second. The Sex Health Reps laughed – as they do – as they chanted, “eat this!”

Interviewer: Oh wow that sounds awful. Is there anything else going on on campus that night?

Stefon: Yes. Head on over to Tisch Roof where a spooky autum

Stefon: Well, obvi ously I left, but on the way out, I stopped by the cannon – the real one – to see if there was any hot goss. And lo and behold, I ran into Melisma painting it. Before I knew it, I was snorting ket amine off of someone’s fin ger after they asked me what I was listening to (“Smile” by RuPaul).

Interviewer: Jesus Christ, Stefon. Please tell me you went to bed?

Stefon: Of course not Emmy. Once the ketamine hit my system, I asked, where oh where is Tufts’

Stefon: No one. But as I made the hike home to Carmichael Hall, I heard a little “he he he” behind me. I turned around and saw the bright eyes of United States Vice President Kamala Harris staring back at me. “Don’t forget to vote!” she yelped as she drifted away. Though, maybe that was just a ketamine-induced hallucination.

Interviewer: That’s our time! Thank you so much Stefon, you’ve been a treasure.

Stefon: Thank you to the Daily, the brilliant writers Emmy Wenstrup and Blake Anderson, and Arts sec tion executive editor Jack Clohisy for making this happen. Can’t wait to see where your beautiful futures take you in the journalism industry.

medication advertisements on TV, but this time seemingly more inappropriate next to soap cutting videos and siri robot voice story time videos. But all hope was not to be lost because it was only a one time sponsorship right? Wrong.  Again it appears on Instagram. My hands shake as I scroll past the post. Then comes the first issue of the year. Obviously, I didn’t pick it up. The only

people who read the Daily write for the Daily, and I’ve got nothing running that week. But of course, Jack Clohisy, executive arts editor, whose only personality trait is being part of the Daily, and my semi friend has brought the newspaper to our weekly meeting. He’s talking about the layout of the paper, but then something slips out, in full color, full letter print, in the middle of the issue, she’s come to see me in person.

Depressed?

She’s slumped over on Sophia Gordon steps? Eaton steps? Not even on campus? In a non descript flannel and converse with her bright hair taking center stage. Soon she began invading campus, likely due to a hefty payment to the Tufts Daily to advertise to the audi ence of young adults suffering from perfectionism, complain ing about their workload, and the Tufts housing crisis.

JERRY JINGLES / THE TUFTS DAILY

Jake Gyllenhaal is pictured burning in hell.

I

bo U t yo o PI n

Tofts Campus Tour!

BY IDIL KOLABAS

Welcome to Tofts University! We’re located just outside of Boston; I swear! Before we begin our journey to Tofts, I should remind you to pack a raincoat, a winter jacket, a hoodie, and also a swim suit just in case the weather decides to brighten up today!

Now that we’re all packed, we can take the Green Line to Tofts! Ever heard of the station “Medford/Tofts”? Oh shoot, sorry, we can’t actually. It still hasn’t opened since 1989: the first time this extension was discussed. Instead, we can walk to campus from the Davis Square Red Line stop. No, you don’t need to open Google Maps, silly! We can use the fire alarms that blare from each dorm starting at 7 am to guide us right to campus. The firefighters may very well be sick of us, but this is the easiest navigation technique I’ve ever used.

You might think you’re at a nursery rather than a college campus because of the social scene at Tofts – partially due to the campus life office canceling student club events. Don’t worry, the deafening silence is a sign that you’re at the right place!

On the other hand, if you’re seeing signs for Tofts, but you’re not quite sure if

by Lucas ‘Chupacabra’ Chua Executive Crossword Editor

It is common knowledge among the Tufts community that Pizza Days is the place to replen ish the socks that go AWOL. Who knows how many generations of students have held such knowl edge? Peradventure we will never know. Ergo, when I approached the store in search of new socks, I prayed that the myth of Pizza Days was bona fide. As it happened, I remember my roommate, Hosé, saying,” Who is to know if the great days of socks are everlasting? Like that of the late and great Ronald McDonald.” I was dumbfounded.

However, unlike Mr. McDonald, the socks never came. Notified of their discontinuation, I was dis traught. What were we waiting for this whole time? Camus once said,” The absurd is born of this confrontation between the human need and the unreasonable silence of the world.” It is true that I felt this way. But more pertinently, I felt as if we were waiting for some thing far too abstract to come within tangible grasp of curled oily fingertips. It was, and is still to this present day, absurd. Still, we fought on. There were a multitude of times where I told Hosé that there were no socks, and that we should head back to the dorms. The conversation went something like…

“Lets go,”

“We can’t.”

“Why not?”

“We are waiting for socks.”

A fortnight of 2 weeks has gone by, and this discussion still brings troubles a-many to Hosé and I. In honesty, I did not retell the full

pus yet, this might very well be the case. Just try to leave 574 or the mailroom as soon as possible! You’ll be back on campus in 5-7 business days. You poor little thing, how did you get so lost? Oh you tried checking Google Maps and failed because of the inter net connection? It’s most definitely not because you’re away from campus, that’s just how wifi works (or doesn’t) here at Tofts!

Bored of the cam pus tour? Let’s get to the dorms to relax a little. We have so many good dorms to choose from! I actual ly don’t know which has a more distinct smell: the stairwells behind Lewis or fresh laundry here at Toft. We also have our lovely MODs on the tennis court; too bad that they’re temporary: I’ll miss the only dorm that has A/C! I guess they are just a tad better than my forced triple at Hodgdon last year; it was lovely to get to know my roommates reeaally well. NO NO NO DON’T SWITCH ON THE LI- AAAH!!!

by aliza Kibel

you want to go up to Carm after this? For our clueless visitors and freshmen who don’t know about Carm’s fame in the glob al culinary arts scene, you guys should definitely try the scallion pancakes next time they are served. They got real popular on TikTok last year because they were just

on

sooo delicious. RUN RUN RUN! We have to cross the street at the inter section! Can’t we just wait until the next walk sign? Haha, nice one. Just taking a guess, is camping a hobby of yours?

Welcome to Carm! You want a banana? Too bad, they are out. Maybe we can stop by Hodgdon-foodon-the-run and just pay $1.25 for one. No? Your call. Whoops, hear that? Someone just dropped their plate and made a complete mess instead of using a tray. Oh we don’t have any trays in carm? Shoot, sorry.

You want to leave campus? Well, you can’t. We have no fall break over here, and you might have your final exams as late as December 21st. You think that’s cruel? Well, sucks to suck. Better get used to the crazy party scene, the amazing food, and great dormitory options from now on.

I’m a bonafide sock lover, Pizza Days is not

details of that night, but let me do so now…

It was rath er windy, a Tuesday may haps. We both were hungry at night, and both sought out a great food, heavy not light. Ergo, we went to Pizza Days.

The air at Pizza Days was oppres sive. It was like we were on a ship far off shore, in the heavy seas, where the riv ers cease and summer ends.

The water was crashing onto the wooden panels, and the waves were overflow ing through the cracked window panes into our nostrils. Oh the agony!

That was the air inside Pizza Days. In retrospect it was an ill omen. Once the socks were denied, we sat outside eating till three AM, we sighed. Some might question our behaviour, but fear not, there was a large sign that read something along the lines of free socks with online order. Both our gazes glued to that oppressive sign. Both of us talked about that oppressive sign. Both of us thought the same thing

— Was I sleeping while the others suffered? Am I sleeping now? Tomorrow, when I wake, or think I do, what shall I say of today? That at this place, until the fall of night, I waited for socks? Luckily we both are apt in the dialectics of philosophy, so what ensued was great debate on the absurd life. In short we concluded that the myth of Pizza Days socks is an exact reflection of the myth of Sisyphus. We, Hosé and I, are stuck

by Asli Kocak

in a room

with the mythical Pizza Days socks, and he perpetually walks closer to us, crawling inwards as we saunter outwards. But then, he, that devi ous fiend, turns away the moment we are within arm’s reach. Is this hell? In reality, we walk to Pizza Days about once a week in hope that the socks come back in stock; and like Sisyphus, we do it gladly. Will we ever stop our trek to Pizza

Days? Peradventure never. But on the Tufts campus, many of us are in such a position to begin with. So I demand that all of us should go to Pizza Days on a weekly basis in search for the non-existent socks. To end with a quote by the late and great Friedrich Heimerdonger, “I washed it, and what happens next is up to you.”

SP ort G ae M ba LL

rgentina to wear wigs to opening World cup game in tribute of diego Maradona

by Bharat Singh

Is it soccer or football?

Waka Waka. Waving Flag. It’s almost time. The greatest sporting competition in the world is less than a month away! A competition that ignites passion, contro versy, heartbreak, and ultimate glory on the world stage. From nail-biting penalty shootouts to inspiring underdog stories, this festival of football is filled with magic. One of these magical moments came in 1986 when Argentina’s very own Diego Maradona effortlessly glided past four England defenders, rounded the goal keeper, and gave his country a 2-0 lead in a legendary semi-final. His first goal that day was even more iconic and is commonly cited as the “hand of god”. A little man carrying a nation on his shoul ders would lead Argentina to the top of the world as they went on to defeat West Germany 3-2 in the final.

On November 25th, 2020, Diego Maradona passed away after suffering a heart attack. A nation mourned as their

PHOTOVIAWIKIMEDIACOMMONS

generational star bid farewell. Streets lined with his pictures as fans embraced, con soling each other. In tribute to Maradona, the Argentina national team will wear wigs that resemble the Argentine’s icon ic hair in their opening match against Saudi Arabia. Moreover, to further mimic his popular style, the playing eleven will tuck in their shirts. Captain Lionel Messi believes it is an incredible way to com memorate the genius of Maradona, one of Messi’s biggest influences growing up.

The World Cup has seen its share of bizarre hairstyles over the years. From Colombian legend Carlos Valderrama’s overflowing blond afro to Brazilian Ronaldo’s power cut in 2002, the tourna ment usually gives fans a flurry of unique styles alongside its breathtaking football.

In in 1998 World Cup, the entire Romanian team bleached their hair blond after their final training session before their opening game. Unlike the embarrassing Romanian performance in ‘98, Argentina is tipped as one of the favorites and coming off an incredible Copa America run will hope to

bring the trophy home.

Former striker Kun Agüero told the Argentine press that “not only will our wigs serve as an homage to Diego but it will strengthen our unity as a team”. The former Manchester City striker stressed the importance of having a healthy team dynamic in a competition that is both physically and mentally exhausting. Some experts say it could be a tactical ploy to confuse oppositions about marking cer tain players, especially when it comes to set-pieces when areas are crowded with players.

After the tournament, the wigs and t-shirts from their opening game will be donated to charities in Argentina and Messi has promised that if his side returns victorious, he will donate a portion of the prize money to all of the charities Maradona supported. “It’s the least we can do, he was a hero to everyone, to me especially, and I want to win the tourna ment as he did in 1986”.

Timothy Valk

cover your eyes you little cheating cheaters

The advertisement spills out of the middle (the arts section) of each copy of the Daily. It’s like being confronted by a mirror, a shadow, located on the various distribution sites on campus. The only thing that’s keeping me from thinking it’s not me is the shoes. I own that entire outfit except for the shoes. Seeing her everywhere felt like a stab in the heart, or better yet, soup splat tered onto a Van Gogh.

Isolated?

Her poster stands in my room as my only form of decor. Before I leave in the morning, she reminds me to take my daily medication. It has come to a type of understanding, acceptance, to let me know the things I cannot

change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. We’ve come to a time to finally confront our anxieties.

It’s time to topple the stereotype that all people with dyed hair have men tal illness. It just so happens that both me and this girl have mental illness. It also just so happens that I was also recom mended to this hospi tal before. I mean talk about marketing to the target audience. It’s located in scenic Stockbridge, Massachusetts, decorated in classic New England architecture. It looks like a classic haunted mental hospital featured in video games and

ghost stories to perpetuate the violent nature of mentally ill people. Alas, the hospital is well kept, and from what I remember costs about a year of Tufts tuition to attend for roughly a month. Again, talk about marketing to the tar get audience.

Sometimes when our head gets too big, the individuality complex begins to swallow us whole. We need some thing to put us in our place. Whether it’s checking Gradescope or Perusall, depending on what side of the social sciences and STEM divide you’re on, or a poster reminding me that I am a walking caricature of a liberal arts student, I’ll never fly too close to the sun again.

Halloween Edition

Well, well. How ‘bout those San Diego Chargers! From 5-11 last year to 6-1 through seven weeks, second-year quarterback Drew Brees is steering them through the AFC. Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers nip at their heels, sitting atop the other confer ence. And who would have thought that one year after their 2001 Super Bowl victory, the New England Patriots would be starting at 3-4?!

Along with surprises in the stand ings, there have been surprises in fan tasy football — star-studded first-over all-pick David Carr of the Oakland Raiders has a mere 62 points over six games.

Let’s take a look at which players are hot entering Week 8, 2002. Happy Halloween!

HOT

QB: Donovan McNabb (PHI)

McNabb is on a torrid pace, lead ing all quarterbacks with 142 fantasy points through the first seven weeks. The Eagles signal-caller has immense upside due to his rushing prowess.

RB: Priest Holmes (KC)

How do you become a fantasy star? Scoring touchdowns – and Holmes has nearly double the amount on the ground compared to the second at his position. He’s getting passing game work as well, with 53 targets on the year. Start Priest as a high-end RB1.

WR: Peerless Price (BUF)

Price has boomed in several games thanks to a heavy receiving work load, including a whopping 16 targets against the Vikings in Week 2. Despite what his name may convey, Price’s play merits him an ample amount of friends in Buffalo.

TE: Tony Gonzalez (KC)

Does any tight end define this era better than Tony Gonzalez? Making his NFL debut in 1997, Gonzalez uses his 6-5 frame to eat up yardage. He leads his position with 86 points so far this season.

D/ST: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Anyone who drafted Tampa’s defense is certainly licking their chops after the first two months of the sea son. Five defensive touchdowns and 13 interceptions? The Bucs’ are averaging an astounding 18 fantasy points per outing!

K: Sebastian Janikowski (OAK)

Sea Bass! The young Janikowski is quickly proving to have a big leg, put ting through seven field goals and 25 extra points in 2002. If the Raiders offense improves, look out – Janikowski has top overall kicker potential.

Enjoy the Week 8 Halloween slate of games… in 2002…. or 2022.

Tim Valk is a fantasy football god that should definitely reach out to help out a certain layout exec. Not gunna say who but someone could certainly make some last-minute trades before the deadline...

THISISAVERYGOODGRAPHICOFTHEARGENTINIENSCOCERTEAMMADEBYGRAPHICEXECAARONKLEIN.