BEACH COPS

By MOLLY WALLACE

*The Boston-based band, featuring Tufts junior Peter Balonon-Rosen (and president/reformer of Applejam), stopped by to discuss their sound, the prevalence of juggalos in the northeast, and masturbation. You can check them out at beachcops.bandcamp.com, or at their various shows on campus advertised by Applejam and Midnight at Tufts.

How’d you guys meet? TOM: Well it’s mostly a love story between these two guys over there [points to Jamie & Peter]. PETER: Yeah it is a pretty good love story. Um, well, so I was here looking at schools? And I was looking at Tufts and at BU, so when I was at BU I saw this kid who had this band shirt on that I recognized and I said, “Hey dude, cool shirt.” JAMIE: And I was like, “Yeah thanks!” And then we exchanged numbers. PETER: Yeah we exchanged numbers. TOM: And they got coffee… and then they went to the bathroom... PETER: I mean we don’t want to get too graphic about it, but yeah after we left the bathroom we each went our separate ways home for about a year and then we came to school.

Do you remember what band shirt it was?

JAMIE: I think it was Hank Wood and the Hammerheads or something like that. PETER: So basically I liked his shirt and we exchanged phone numbers and then we hung out when we got to Boston and met this bozo [gestures at Tom]. TOM: Cause I’m just a crazy punk rocker who goes to punk rock shows and I met them… no love story there. JAMIE: None.

Where’d you end up going? To school?

JAMIE: Boston U TOM: The school of hard knocks! JAMIE: [laughs] Sometimes you gotta just let the truth flow. Wait yeah, I want to change my answer and say that too. TOM: But we live together now in Central square. It’s pretty recent.

Compared to that, how’s the music scene at Tufts?

PETER: The music scene? Oh it’s kind of— JAMIE: He’s kind of hooking it up at Tufts. TOM: The craft shows that Pete does are sweet. PETER: Up til this year there really wasn’t much of one, honestly. They used to do punk shows and stuff in the Crane Room and over at the café near Hillel—

RIP.

PETER: Yeah. But then applejam, who used to be in charge of putting on those shows, got into a bit of trouble because a bunch of yaya went down… including people who were writing “PUNKS” on the walls in jelly, and apparently jelly is hard to get off walls. So there aren’t punk shows there anymore. But this year things are kind of turning around here at tufts with the music scene, there are cool things happening, good shows every month or so at Crafts because of Applejam.

What’d you think when you first got here, though?

PETER: Oh I thought it was completely lacking, I mean there wasn’t any. I like… I mean these two guys don’t go here, and because I like music I was going off campus to find my kicks that way.

PETER: Wait, can we ask you guys questions? Can we turn this thing around?

Yeah, go for it.

PETER: So if you could be any type of hamburger which would you be?

Veggie burger with bacon, so as to please everyone.

JAMIE: I got a veggie burger today at U Burger. TOM: no dude it was Tasty Burger. JAMIE: Oh yeah. It was made out of mushrooms. That shit was great. PETER: Here’s a question, Molly—who would win a fight, a cheeseburger or a hotdog?

Oh definitely a cheeseburger.

PETER: Why?

I mean a cheeseburger just has more fat on it.

JAMIE: But you don’t know what a hotdog is made out of! It could pull some crazy moves!

That’s true, but the burger’s got that added layer of cheese, which is protein, which is, you know, energy…

TOM: All I’m sayin’ is, they all get chewed up in the end.

How about you guys explain the name Beach Cops.

TOM: Well you see, we’re a bunch of losers. And beach cops are typically losers… I mean all cops are losers, so the sillier the type the more of a loser you are. PETER: Well we were originally gonna be Beach Cocks but we figured that gave us, you know, too much umph. TOM: Our first release was gonna be called “beach cocks and hotdogs.”

Who would win in a fight? Beach cock or hot dog?

TOM: Cockburger PETER: But then VS a hot cock… or would it be cockdog… or dogcock? TOM: These are the things we think about all day. JAMIE: This is what we go to school for.

So these are your influences.

PETER: Influences? Oh for mostly me and my songwriting it’s like long walks… JAMIE: The beach! TOM: I wanna say real quick that I have no influences because I’m the drummer and I don’t write shit. So I have no say in nothin’. PETER: Basically what I wanted to do with this band; I wanted to meld the sounds of thunderstorms and lapping waves meets… the doggy paddle. Meets a police siren meets like a frat party. And like put them all the together and just channel my deep thoughts and my deep feelings— mostly about loneliness—into… a sound.

So what are your lyrics about?

PETER: I mean, mostly about masturbating. TOM: THIS, actually. I know we’ve been bullshitting a lot but this is completely true. PETER: Most of them are about masturbating. Some about animals… some about bugs. I like bugs. TOM: I think my grandpa’s death was a pretty big influence. PETER: Oh man let us delve into that! TOM: The last thing my grandpa said to my sister was “don’t marry a black guy.” PETER: Jesus Christ. TOM: He told my brother to get a gun, and he told me to get a book on manners. JAMIE: Oh my god! [laughs] TOM: The book on manners I took as a personal strike… PETER: On the first day of school, dude, my mom told me to take a class on etiquette. TOM: Yeah so that what my lyrics are about. JAMIE: I write about… bongos. Sometimes I write about birds that don’t migrate when they should migrate… that’s kinda weird.

So just… no musical influences.

PETER: Ohh well I mean I still stand by my statement about thunderstorms. TOM: THE ONLY BAND WE LISTEN TO IS THE RAMONES. JAMIE: And like a Hank Wood song or two. TOM: Actually, Hasil Atkins has a great song called no more hotdogs. It’s like a deranged country…rock and roll? No more hotdogs. JAMIE: I don’t think he’s kosher.

How does the songwriting go? Any clashing?

PETER: We take turns. And each song Jamie writes is cool, so we don’t butt heads. JAMIE: We don’t butt… its more of a collision course that builds a castle. [general circlejerk remarks] TOM: Yeah we live together, so most of the time… every so often I’ll be in my room jacking off and Jamie knocks on my door, and I’ll say “Hello?” and he asks if he can come in and show me a riff, and I’m like “Uh sure gimme a second,” and then he shows me the riff, and then leaves. JAMIE: And then I start jacking off. TOM: Yeah and I finish jacking off. And then we have practice. PETER: Yeah he jacks off at practice. JAMIE: We all do.

This is all going into print.

TOM: Actually, this has nothing to do with the band, but I was talking to my friend recently where I thought that ads that have sexy imagery are not fair… because, in my mind, when you see a commercial where something tastes really, really good, like McDonalds commercial, and then you get hungry, I get pissed off. Because I didn’t want to have to eat right now and now I’m hungry! And sometimes, when I’m on the internet or wherever and see sexy people—man or women—next thing I know is I’m horny. And I’m not

enjoying the feeling of being horny! When it’s the proper time I’m totally down, but when it comes up at other times its really annoying because I’d like to think of other things. PETER: so it’s, like, frustrating. TOM: It’s frustrating like over 80% of the time. Yeah so I end up jerking off way more than I should. I don’t even view it as “I wanna do this..” it’s more like a nuisance than anything else. Like I have a huge zit that I gotta get rid of. Like an infection. PETER: Have you ever jerked it at school? JAMIE: Yeah I did in the library once. TOM: I tried once in middle school in the bathroom once and failed… yeah so the only place I jack off is my room.

What were we talking about? Influences?

JAMIE: Sometimes we masturbate to the Ramones. TOM: Dude Joey Ramone is like the ugliest human who has ever walked the planet. PETER: He looks like an alien! JAMIE: They’re all pretty fucking goddamn ugly. TOM: Yeah, Dee Dee’s the only hot one. PETER: I don’t know, as far as creating a band I don’t think you should go into it with a set of groups you want to sound like… you’re not being creative; you’re not being original. I mean, all Rock & Roll is a rip off, right? So just every band is just ripping off something that has already been done. So it’s just how many can you rip off at the same time but do it in a completely new way.

What did Beach Cops start as?

TOM: Well when we started, when it was just us bullshitting and talking about all the things that would be cool… that was totally not what it ended up being. PETER: We were going to do it as a power pop band and its not that at all anymore--but I’m really happy with the direction it’s gone. TOM: It ended up going in a totally different direction and ended up being-JAMIE: Way sicker. TOM: Original. Not to toot our own fucking horn, but original. I mean we have a lot of friends in bands, and what they do is take like three bands from the 80s that they like and just emulate them 100%. JAMIE: And we’re into power pop and shit, but you go to those shows you never see people dancing around or trying bring it up a notch. TOM: So we went from ripping off to jerking off.

How long have you been playing together?

PETER: Just over a year. Our first show was November of last year. TOM: We were talking about it for two years, though. PETER: Yeah, we had the idea like a year before we did our first show. The way we got our name was basically Jamie and I just shot words at each other. JAMIE: It actually did devolve from “beach cocks” to Beach Cops. TOM: Before, I was in one really radical skate-punk band, that the singer…his not god-given name is Jesse Snotts. PETER: I’m also in a band called Love Pork, they’re from back home. And I was in a really good band called the Rituals of Sound… we formed in seventh grade. TOM: In high school I was in a band with a bunch of shitheads who are all fucking wankers who are all my best friends. It was called Sharkbite. In middle school I was also in a band that was half streetpunk and half ska. PETER: That sounds horrible. TOM: It was fucking awful.

So I guess friendship is a big influence on your sound.

PETER: I would say the show “Friends” is a bigger influence on my sound. TOM: The reason I’m into punk is because when I was in high school all of my friends were into punk. I don’t know how other people get into it, unless you’re like… born to punk parents. JAMIE: My dad had a really cool record collection, so that’s probably how. And the rest is history! PETER: Dude, you’re supposed to rebel against your parents’ taste. TOM: Yeah, you should have come out a bro. PETER: I don’t care if my kid becomes a bro, but I’ve always said if he becomes a juggalo—ending the line right there. If that kid ever puts on fucking facepaint… JAMIE: I’m friends with a juggalo on facebook… PETER: I saw a bunch of juggalos in a supermarket one time. It was weird. Pushing, like, their mom’s shopping cart. TOM: Yeah, it’s a phase, though. Like a lot of kids at my high school got juggalo tattoos but I doubt they’re still down for the clown. PETER: There wasn’t that at my high school. I went to an art school, so they nurtured us to be “sensitive artists.” JAMIE: A bunch of queens? PETER: A bunch of queens. I was an acting major. TOM: Yo I so knew you were a theater kid! PETER: I’m cultured, actually.

Are you guys familiar with the app Shazam?

TOM: I’m familiar with Shaq as Kazaam. JAMIE: I don’t have a smart phone. PETER: But yes.

What would come up in the database if you played your music?

TOM: Oh probably jack shit, since we literally just made a bandcamp like a week ago. PETER: I wonder what would come up instead. TOM: We have eight songs, and we put three on the thing to arrange a tour.

Wait, yeah, so what’s the future got in store?

PETER: Definitely a tour, probably this winter. Hopefully do a 7’’ soon. TOM: Split with Bauhaus and, you know, Joy Division. PETER: yeah Discobisquits and Phish. TOM: Oh! You’re not going to believe me now after a lot of this shit, but my Dad’s first cousin is IN Phish. I’m related to a member of Phish. This is swear on my own fucking life— my girlfriend’s life, my cat’s life, my dog’s life—I’m blood related to a member of Phish. So if you want to toss that in, how fucking cool and punk we are [laughs], I’m related to Phish. PETER: Beach cops, hitting girls and breaking doors since 2011. TOM: Beach Cops: breaking hearts, busting farts, jerking beats and on the streets. <