BLEEDING STARS

by Layla Landrum

i’m sorry i tried to stop you when you swallowed another girl in the bathroom. cut her up with a butcher’s knife until her skin stuck to your nails. the blood wouldn’t wash out, and all the moonlight fell from the windows, even the dark couldn’t protect you from what you ruined.

my star-crossed savior complex, you in the doorway, forgetting yourself, forgetting you cannot hold me down forever.

tell me you love me just to kick me like a dog what’s wrong?

why’re you crying? stop being so selfish, not everything is about you. this isn’t about you.

you think yourself strong some kind of heavenly body on earth, but i haven’t even grown yet, my bones ache with promise. for now, you can still fit me into the palms of your hands. wrap your limbs around me like i am the one with teeth.

how dare you make me feel like it was my fault you were the black hole; invisible destroyer, all-consuming. hurt me so good i thought it was euphoria.

every scream i ever summoned died in my throat when your hands snuck down my shoulders, settled on wrists. broke open the ribs inside of me just to make another place for yourself.

you’ve always been an egoist.

this wretched body was never mine to begin with in the first place i’m just a ghost walking around in my own skin, a bad dream & a bad liar.

you’re so drunk on your power, too caught up in your own head to notice the way it’s choking me—

your love burning you’re choking me

all the way down like craters.

you weave bombs around my veins set them off like stars

just to blame me for it,

leave me out of my mind.

find the space you left in your wake. crawl into the smoke, the two of us neither asleep or awake, walking through the same burning nightmare.

you promised you wouldn’t— you said you loved me you said i’d always be yours did you find someone better? you can’t, you can’t

i was handcrafted just for you made for your cold hands.

all i ever wanted was to be the only body you drowned in the lake.

i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i can say it over & over again like a prayer that will save us both. i can be better, i know i can be better. just don’t stop looking at me, you’re the most familiar stranger i know.

i miss the emptiness i felt around you, broken mirrors between us, our tethered hands, sins hanging from our feet. even if you were lying the whole time, i don’t mind.

tear me apart again.

bring me home.

i’ll apologize for the blood on the carpet & the dishes in the sink, i’ll say i’m sorry for calling you, sorry for asking for so much of you and for running when you chased me and for crying when you grabbed me and for shutting my eyes when you yelled and for leaving the lights on too late and for forgetting all the things you never told me and for being so sad i tried to escape my brain and for telling you you’re hurting me and for being here, breathing, when you’re the one who dug me out of the dirt.

i’ve rehearsed every apology a thousand times, i think i need a reason to exist. something to tear myself apart for.

i think i’m dying, i think you did it. i think i love you.

i know i love you.