Your body talks… All the time… and LOUD What is yours saying about you?
By Tulia Lopes
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Your Body Talks‌ all the time‌ and LOUD!
Introduction Much is talked about Body Language; the expression of non-verbal communication. Although there are many books that can help us to identify, and read, some of the body gestures, understanding the true language of our own body is still a mystery for many. In this presentation I will reveal some key factors to primarily help you learn how to listen, read and communicate with your own body. Once you understand what your body is saying and how it communicates, you will be able to fast read others. Come along and enjoy the experience.
Tulia Lopes
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Your Body Talks… all the time… and LOUD!
What is my body saying about me? Before getting into that, let’s check how much you know about yourself. Take a piece of paper and write down the answers to the following: -
Do you consider yourself an introvert, or an extrovert? Are you always ready to take a challenge, or you rather stay “comfortable”? Do you like to lead, or rather follow the crowd? Do you feel comfortable expressing your opinions, or prefer to stay quiet and listen? Are you a relaxed person, or usually get nervous if things don’t work as you wish? Are your patient, or anxious?
The list could go on and on… And you might be asking why I am asking all these questions. The answer is very simple. I just want to know if you can really answer the following question without hesitation. Ready? Adding a bit of tension…..
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Your Body Talks… all the time… and LOUD!
WHO ARE YOU?
Have you ever asked yourself this question? Do you truly know the answer? Stop for a moment… close your eyes and think… think about you…your person…your behaviours… your manners… take your time, no rush… When you’re ready, go back to the previous page, and answer those questions again. Once you’ve done it, check both answers against each other. Are they still the same? If so, great! You are probably having a good communication with your own body already. We can assume that what you say is, in most of the cases, understood by the others. Meaning, your verbal communication and non-verbal are in harmony and congruent. But, hold your horses! There is always something to improve. If your answers were different, don’t panic! I guess you’ve been experiencing that people don’t get your message right. Don’t worry, you are not alone. However, you have a great advantage in comparison with the majority! You are about to learn to understand more about your body expressions. And through that, learn more about yourself. And from that, learn how to make your non-verbal communication congruent with your verbal communication; creating harmony between you, and your message.
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Your Body Talks… all the time… and LOUD!
It is all about feelings… It is all about emotions… Let’s compare us – speakers – to an orchestra director, such as Gustavo Dudamel. If you haven’t seen him conducting an orchestra, you should! Dudamel has the ability not only to lead his orchestra but lead the emotions of the whole audience. Even considering he is giving his back to them! Think about it. What make us “comparable”? Let’s make a quick table with few examples:
DUDAMEL Leads an orchestra (and audience) Expresses emotions through a music (notes) Creates/releases tension with a melody/silence Needs to understand the meaning behind the notes Needs to been in full control and connected to the music he is delivering Needs to have a deep knowledge about the composer
Speakers = US Lead an audience Express emotions through a speech (words) Create/release tension with a sentence/pause Need to understand the meaning behind the words Need to be in full control and connected to the message we are delivering Need to have a deep knowledge about the author of the speech = you
Get the point? As an orchestra’s conductor your speech is your music. You have to use the words which can express what you feel; to feel connected to the emotion in each of those words/sentences; truly believe in what you are saying; express everything from the deepest of your heart! Then, only then, your body will tell what YOU want it to tell! Otherwise, it (your body) will keep telling others what it feels, what it perceives, what it senses, even when you are not aware of it. So, let’s get into business! Let’s put in place some practical exercises that will help you to establish the congruence between your verbal and non-verbal communication.
Choose the right vocabulary for you Many times we attend to speaking events and talks and we get excited on how some speakers have a great vocabulary and how they use the words in a way that sounds like music!
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Your Body Talks… all the time… and LOUD!
We feel inspired and want to do the same. In fact, we try to copy them and use the same words or expressions in our next speeches. That is great, because it is always good, and as speakers we always should, enhance our vocabulary. However, each word carries an inherent emotion. And to truly use that particular word effectively we need to feel and understand that emotion! It might sounds obvious, but it is not. And even more for non-native speakers. Sometimes they can’t relate to the emotion on that particular word, on that particular sentence and/or expression. Therefore, even when they pronounce it fluently, if they don’t know the real inherent meaning they might not be able to express the emotion it carries with it, and can even feel uncomfortable. And guess what? Their body will show it. Some times in a very subtle gesture; but for an accurate eye, an experienced speaker, or an expert in the topic being delivered, that uncomfortableness might be clearly visible, while an ordinary person might just say “it doesn’t feel right what such and such said or even, “there is something in that person that I don’t get it”. Does it sound familiar? It is about making your non-verbal congruent with your verbal communication. If they are not, your audience will feel that something was not quite right. Only when your non-verbal is congruent with your verbal you are authentic! And authenticity gives your authority! You are you! Nobody else! Even if people don’t like what you say, and how you say it, if you deliver your message based on your own beliefs, on your own experience, on your own true, they might not like you, but they can’t say they felt something was not right. Because your body will show the passion and no one would be able to deny it! One thing is if your audience doesn’t like your music, your speech, and other thing is to say they couldn’t feel it. Keep this in mind; you are a speaker, not a performer! A performer learns the emotion of the character and performs someone he/she is not. Learns body techniques, postures and gestures to reinforce and personify the character. And that is ok because we, the audience, know she is acting. And they know she is a different person outside the stage. As speakers, our audience expects to find the same character, the same personality on and out the stage. If you act, and they find out, you will lose credibility, you will lose your authority. So, who are you? Let’s practice again the exercises we did during the workshop session. These exercises are good to help you to feel how does it feels to be incongruent, and congruent.
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Your Body Talks… all the time… and LOUD!
Let’s try the exercises again. I’ll give you some examples below but feel free to play around with different sentences. The important aspect here is to feel the words, the sentences, the expressions, and how you feel them in your body. Form a group of three persons, one is the speaker and the other two the observers. The speaker will say what is suggested below (remember be creative, you can use your own sentences) and the job of the two observers is to find if there is any incongruence between the verbal and non-verbal. And, “guess” which statement feels right! Ready? Exercise 1 •
Person 1 - say it out and loud:
Mornings are my most productive time of the day. Mornings are not the most productive time of the day.
Exercise 2 • Person 2 – Express the following statements WITH NO SOUND I am full of energy! I am exhausted!
Exercise 3 • Person 3 – Say it out and loud. Observers to close the eyes and listen! I love the cold weather! I hate the cold weather!
After you’ve prepared your speech, and when you are rehearsing it, you have to feel if it feels right! If it does, go ahead. Your body will be spontaneously expressing itself congruently. If it doesn’t, change your text. Find different words and expressions that feel good!
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Your Body Talks… all the time… and LOUD!
When is it ok to “perform”? I know I said before that as speaker we should never perform. However, let’s say you have to give a presentation on a topic that you don’t like, you don’t believe, you don’t agree. Now you know that your body will show that, right? So, what can you do if you are the one in your department who was chosen to deliver this presentation and this is quite important to your company? You can’t say, you know guys, I know my body is showing that I don’t believe in what I’m saying, and that is true, but that is what the department has decided….” Or something alike. What do to you then? You find something in your topic that you can honestly and truly relate to it, and start from there. You might have to start telling a story you like and which relates to what you have to say – let’s say you start with the good news – and with that go preparing yourself and the grounds to “the news” you are not so connected to. When you get to that point of the conversation then you put the best actor in you and act! Perform your act as if you really believed on what you’re saying. Then, make sure to go back to yourself in your conclusion. Get back to the real you. Here, more than ever, it makes completely sense to wrap up your speech, your talk, your presentation with your opening. This way you are back to your comfort zone, and put your body in easy again. To illustrate it, a quote from Picasso: “Learn the rules like a pro and break them like an artist!” We can always improve our body’s postures, gestures, and there are many great books on that. However, when trying to understand what yours and other person’s body is really saying you have to go deeper. You have to understand the person’s background, culture, life’s experiences, so on and so forth. It is too simplistic to generalise and try to read a person’s body language based on the signs, postures and gestures based on what we see in the books about the subject. In fact, when reading someone’s body language we should look for the incongruence in behaviour! When someone’s behaviour, gestures, postures, tone of voice, etc, feels different, even if they were very fast and subtle, there lies your clue! And I tell you more,
“If there is incongruence between the words and the body, Trust the body!”