Exploring Bisexuality While in a Relationship 38 Before Your Gynecology Exam

Exploring Bisexuality In a Relationship

Just because you’re monogamous doesn’t mean you’re straight.

STORY: Nicole Trinidad PHOTO: Elyssa Ruiz DESIGN: Nicole Eltagonde

Advice that I wish I had been given when I first started exploring my bisexuality is that feeling comfortable with your sexual orientation is like a journal that changes over time. It took years of overcoming societal expectations and failed relationships, yet I’m still on that path of understanding and self-acceptance.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that being in a relationship doesn’t secure a label on my sexuality. It’s very common for people in relationships to still not know what they identify with.

Here’s some advice for those who have had or are currently having those doubts. Self-Reflection/Weighing Your Values

Navigating sexual orientation is different for everyone. It goes beyond just what gender you have feelings for, but also how you are attracted to them. It’s important to consider your boundaries and desires. What does discovering your sexuality mean to you?

For Eden Sather, a senior psychology major at CSUF, being open to change with your sexuality from partner to partner is normal and should be welcomed.

“I think somebody who really is bisexual will come to their own conclusion like, ‘I might be in a heteronormative, or I might be in a lesbian presenting relationship right now. But I still like this other gender,’” explained Sather.

Sather also shares that not only is she bisexual, she also realized she no longer desires to be in monogamous relationships. Bisexuality brought her awareness that she doesn’t want to be in just one relationship for the rest of her life, but instead ethically be in multiple.

So for those still navigating who they like, it’s important to ask: Do I need to be romantically or sexually involved with others to feel secure with my sexuality? How do I feel in queer environments? What issues do I have in understanding my identity?

Answering these questions shows how you stand in your relationship and can help you feel most satisfied overall.

Communicating With Your Partner

This is a no-brainer — a strong relationship is built on communication and having an equal level of understanding.

It’s nerve-wracking to tell your partner something so personal that it could easily tip the balance of the relationship, so what’s the best way to go about it?

Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a sexual communication professor at Cal State Fullerton, says the first step is taking it slow. She talks about employing empathetic communication. That’s where you put yourself in your partner’s shoes and consider how they would feel hearing their partner reveal something about themselves they didn’t anticipate. It’s important to prime it with patience and honesty.

It’s natural for your partner to be upset or react negatively because it’s new, and they might not understand. So taking your time, even if it’s hard to deal with at first, is the best way to approach it while being empathetic about their needs.

“At the end of the day, you have to honor your authenticity and pursue that,” Suwinyattichaiporn said. “You’re curious, you have to pursue it.”

While this time of exploration and discovery is for you and you alone, you also need to consider your partner. After evaluating what’s most important for you and your needs in the relationship and then slowly introducing the topic to your partner, you should also provide your partner the same reassurance and love you would want back.

Nat Betancourt Arellano, the CSUF’s LGBT Queer Resource Center coordinator, explained that when they discovered their sexuality, they made it clear when they opened up to their partner that nothing had to change.

“Nothing changes other than I am now telling you and I am now being vulnerable with myself that yes, I am attracted to women, but I don’t want things to change,” said Betancourt Arellano.

Betancourt Arellano also admits that not everyone thinks like them, and some do want change in other sexual or romantic relationships. That’s something to consider when weighing what’s important and discussing boundaries with your partner.

They said that it’s hard to discuss such topics when some people will not be OK with that and may continue to label bisexuals as being cheaters because of their worldviews and values. But they believe at the end of the day, it’s important to question how much you are willing to minimize yourself for someone else.

Support On Campus

Betancourt Arellano shares that the center is always there to facilitate open conversations, ideas, and community for those looking for support. While there are no designated bisexual support groups on campus, most people utilizing the center identify as bisexual.

Some other great ways to find community on campus are by attending their QT 101 series workshops where they educate on topics such as gender roles and polyamory and reach out on the center’s Instagram (@lgbtq.csuf), Twitter (@lgbtqcsuf) and discord server.

Understanding your identity and what makes you you can be tricky. You may feel like there are a set of expectations to follow, but that is not the case. The main takeaway is that people have different ideologies, and there are no rights or wrongs. Your wants are valid and matter just as much as your partner’s. TU SK

What to Expect at your First Gynec({})logy Appointment

And wtf is a speculum?!

STORY: Stepheny Gehrig PHOTO: Elyssa Ruiz and Gianna Horvath DESIGN: Liam Aquininog

We all know that vaginal health is important, yet coming vagina to face with a gynecologist is probably the most terrifying experience.

I just had my first gynecology appointment and pap smear in October 2020, and here’s what you can expect for your first visit.

The Rundown

Your appointment will start like a regular check-up. A nurse will greet you, take down your height, weight, and blood pressure, if you’re sexually active, when your last period was and if you are on any medication. The nurse will then give you a gown and a long cloth to cover and ask you to undress, wear the gown and use the long cloth to cover yourself.

Your doctor will talk you through everything and answer all your questions for your first visit. My doctor was very understanding, and I told her that I am terrified of getting checkups and shots. She went over what I should expect, what tools she would use and said she would talk me through the entire procedure.

The Tools

The doctor inserts a speculum to widen the vaginal canal so other tools can be used to do these checks. A speculum is about three inches long and either metal or plastic — the plastic ones are more comfortable because they aren’t as cold as the metal ones. Most vagina-owners said that they felt more pressure than pain. The pressure of the speculum feels like a large but mild cramp.

Your doctor will use a few different tools to grab some samples during the procedure. Mine used three different tools — a soft brush, a plastic spatula and a swab. The doctor will insert these tools one at a time and gently swirl them around to collect the samples. It felt uncomfortable and like a zip tie scratching the roof of your mouth, but with an added pinch. It wasn’t painful, just very uncomfortable.

“I felt good about myself,” said Gess Gomez, a third-year linguistics major. “I feel like from now on. I’ll feel more comfortable doing another pap smear. Once you have experienced something and it went well, I feel like you’ll be comfortable doing it again.”

Gomez said that before the appointment, you should take a shower to help yourself be more confident. She said that since she feels more comfortable with a woman doctor, she asks for one and added that you should ask for a doctor with who you feel most comfortable at your appointment.

The doctors are here to help you feel safe and stay healthy; although this procedure is daunting, you’ll feel fierce after going through it.

“Everything’s going to go OK,” Gomez said reassuringly.

The Emotions

Many people with vaginas put off seeing a gynecologist, even when they age into it. The typical age to start seeing one is at 21, but if you’re sexually active, doctors advise a visit to ensure that you’re safe and healthy. Since it’s such a taboo topic, and not many people divulge what happens during the procedure, putting off scheduling an appointment.

“I have been putting off going to the gyno for a long time. I have never been one to go to the doctor even for regular checkups. I am afraid that it will hurt,” said Kassie Vickers, a fifth-year political science major. “All of the knowledge I have on it has come from school, the internet or stories I have heard from friends.”

The Advice

Make a morning appointment and go before you have breakfast — the pressure from the speculum might make you feel like you’ll poop on the doctor. Listening to music that pumps you up can also help boost your confidence heading into the appointment. Keeping an open dialogue with the nurse and the doctor in the room helped me understand what was being put into my body and know that the procedure was going well.

Gomez said she mentally prepares by focusing on the fact that the doctors only care about your health. She shared that staying focused on your breathing and asking questions can be a good way to ease your nerves.

“They told me step by step what they were going to do,” Gomez said. “Even if I had questions, I would ask them. I am a little bit shy, but if I want to know something, it’s better to ask.”

Experiencing this for the first time without previous knowledge of what would happen was very overwhelming. I didn’t know how to cope, from the anticipation of a 30-minute wait in the lobby to the adrenaline rush of ending the fifteen-minute procedure. I started crying afterward because it was a lot to take in.

TU SK