Sneak Peek: Two Dollar Radio Guide to Naming Your Baby by Travis Hoewischer by Two Dollar Radio

GUIDE TO

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NAMING YOUR BABY

Chad, Brad, Brandi with an “i,” and other names to reconsider. By Travis Hoewischer

GUIDE TO

NAMING YOUR BABY

Chad, Brad, Brandi with an “i,” and other names to reconsider. By Travis Hoewischer

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Guide to

NAMING YOUR BABY Chad, Brad, Brandi with an “i” and other names to reconsider. By Travis Hoewischer

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WHO WE ARE

Two Dollar raDio is a familyrun outfit dedicated to reaffirming the cultural and artistic spirit of the publishing industry. We aim to do this by presenting bold works of literary merit, each book, individually and collectively, providing a sonic progression that we believe to be too loud to ignore.

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TEXT4

ILLUSTRATIONS4

Travis Hoewischer

Eric Obenauf

COVER PHOTO4 Philip Kim

Library of Congress Control Number available upon request. ISBN4 9781937512965

Also available as an Ebook.

Printed in Canada

ANYTHING ELSE? Yes. Do not copy this book—with the exception of quotes used in critical essays and reviews—without the prior written permission from the copyright holder and publisher. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means. LIMIT OF LIABILITY/DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTIES: The Publisher and the author make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this work and specifically disclaim all warranties. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for every situation. The information provided and commented upon in these materials is designed to provide guidance only. Any person consulting these materials is soley responsible for implementation of this guidance as it relates to the particular matter for which the end user refers to these materials.

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PHOTOGRAPH CREDITS: Front cover: Philip Kim; Back cover (tl): Brett Gregory; Back cover (br): Sriharsha Nadiger, “my first step,” https://flic.kr/p/FyhS3e (cropped), CC0 1.0 Universal (CC0 1.0) Public Domain Dedication; i: Nenad Stojkovic, “Young toddler child having a drink of water out of a red cup at home,” https://flic.kr/p/2iwFXwG (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); vi: Brisbane Falling, “Jakob, Jacob,” https://flic.kr/p/6DjxVY (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); viii: Travis Hoewischer; xi: Travis Hoewischer; xii: Quinn Dombrowski, “Dr. Toddler,” https://flic.kr/p/ ysnhgq (cropped), Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0); xvi: Cheriejoyful, “Child laughing,” https://flic.kr/p/aaThYm (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); xvii: Nathan Stormer; xviii: Chris Friese, “Stache,” https://flic.kr/p/4u1FhS (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 3: Olivera Bratich; 5: jimmy brown, “My Wonderful Cole,” https:// flic.kr/p/hAtyD6 (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 8: Whitney Maiden; 10: Raul, “Lukey Fish Face,” https://flic.kr/p/5JL65H (cropped, brightened), Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0); 13: Yogendra Joshi, “Friends,” https://flic.kr/p/72qhVF (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 15: Mandy Smith; 18: Brett Gregory; 21: Travis Hoewischer; 25: Eliza Wood-Obenauf; 27: Frances Ore-Kelly; 28: Alison Benbow, “Splash!” https://flic.kr/p/f4xJCi (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC

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BY 2.0); 31: Jen House; 32: jenny cu, “brandon’s russell costume,” https:// flic.kr/p/8NMz14 (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 33: Dawn Terrizzi; 34: BrunoBrunan, “Childhood,” https://flic.kr/p/kh59RK (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 37: Maceo Obenauf; 40: Anupam_ts, “Kid,” https://flic.kr/p/nwTPXD (cropped), AttributionShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0); 43: Frances Ore-Kelly; 48: Stephen Marchetti, “Hair,” https://flic.kr/p/tHx68 (cropped), Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0); 49: Rio Pintar Obenauf; 51: Morgan DeBoth; 53: Mandy Smith; 54: Johnny Silvercloud, “Don’t Judge Me Too Fast Now,” https://flic.kr/p/pKm6Cx (cropped), Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0); 59: Frances Ore-Kelly; 60: Erin Moore; 63: Mindaugas Danys, “scream and shout,” https://flic.kr/p/6JMMkb (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 66: Andy Smith; 70: Tim Simpson, https://flic. kr/p/5CAogs (cropped), Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0); 73: Philip Kim; 75: Kristian Mollenborg, “Jump,” https://flic.kr/p/49LEW (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 76: Maceo Obenauf; 81: Pete For America, “PB Family Photos-40,” https://flic.kr/p/2ieATp5 (cropped), Public Domain Mark 1.0; 83: Nithi Anand, “SMILE,” https://flic.kr/p/ qCpeqj (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 84: Tammy McGary, “Theater Guy,” https://flic.kr/p/c9B2Wj (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 87: madgerly, “Sisters on a chair,” https://flic.kr/p/dpAwDK

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(cropped, brightened), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 88: greg westfall, “grouch,” https://flic.kr/p/6uFiHy (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 89: Donnie Ray Jones, “Elsa’s Getting Mad,” https://flic.kr/p/ AyUnMa (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 91: Olaf Gradin, “Too Hot,” https://flic.kr/p/5bmZUU (cropped, brightened), AttributionShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0); 92: Jen House; 93: Matt Kopache; 95: Sherif Salama, “Noah making faces, His area of expertise,” https://flic. kr/p/6qkY1d (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 96: Shannon McGee, “McGee’s Pre-Sheryl,” https://flic.kr/p/febDMW (cropped), Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0); 98: Eliza Wood-Obenauf; 101: Vladimir Buynevich, “Turkey, Istanbul, funny child,” https://flic.kr/p/ PvkQwD (cropped, brightened), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 102: Dominic Loise; 103: Nadya Peek, “McDonald’s packs its food with sedatives,” https://flic.kr/p/5hUDdB (cropped), Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0); 104: Erin Moore; 107: Hillary Jones. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS: S/O to Wikipedia and the baby-naming websites of the Internet for the small assist in etymology and origin of a few choice names.

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Dedication Appreciation and/or apologies to: Gordo Roscoe Pickles Liz Velma Betty Kara Kendall Mason Wilbur Skunk Norm Cliff Bella Luma Levon Irwin Fletcher Miss Easton Howard Peppercorn Champion the Wonder Horse COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL

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Were my parents trying to make sure they caught their whimsical three-year-old in the sandbox, and were interrupted by the hog? Or this is actually meant to be capturing the pig balls in their prime, and I was just “helping dad at work?” It doesn’t matter. We’re just glad they’re both in there.

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COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL An Introduction to Guide to Naming Your Baby

An Introduction to Guide to Naming Your Baby Your friends are in the hospital, awaiting the arrival of their first child. You and your friends are eager to see a new member of your extended family enter the world. Then, you see the Instagram post: “Hey everyone, mom and son are doing fine. Happy and healthy! We want to introduce you to… KEITH.” What do you say? I mean, you’re meant to say congratulations, but do they know? Keith is clearly step-dad’s name, and there have been no recorded Baby Keiths on record since the last time gas was 5 dollars a gallon. Is it ironic? Maybe it’s ironic. Like DadCore, but … a baby. You can’t say these things once it’s too late. But you can give them this book and they can quietly, in the safety of their own home, reconsider the identity they’re about to bestow on their brood.

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COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL With the Two Dollar Radio Guide to Naming Your Baby, you’ll find plenty of useful information—charts, graphs, potential career paths, projected family trees—to help you avoid blame when your full-grown Karen asks you why everyone asks her if she wants to ask to see a manager. Your Karen is into horses, we know, but that’s why you should have gone with Millie. Inside, you’ll find musings on all the worst monikers—even yours— which means you now have a new gift idea for your family members. Who needs 23andMe when, rather than finding out if you’re 2.7 percent Welsh, you can get to the bottom of why your cousin named Dale Henry is an 8-year-old girl with an overbite, and not a grizzled country and western singer. In this ever-changing world, it’s hard to know how life is going to turn out for your new- or soon-to-be-born. You can’t keep them from getting their heart broken. And you won’t be able to shield every force of evil from them over the course of their whole life. You will be able to avoid naming them Harley. You will need our help. —Travis Hoewischer As dictated to a non-partisan court stenographer, September 10, 2020.

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I was once introduced on stage as having “the confidence of a much more attractive man.” This is me, in third grade, apparently thinking a plain gray sweatshirt was all that was needed to set off everything up top. You were right, Brooke.

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COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL Disclaimer

Disclaimer “Behind every young child who believes in himself is a parent who believed first.” It’s a great quote, but why does it make it a little less potent when you find out it comes from a blogger named Matthew? See, names matter. Sorry, what I meant to say was “Congratulations.” People are going to be saying that to you a lot. Hopefully, I’ll get a few too, for having written this book. My name is Travis, and this is my first book, the first personalized creation pushed out into the world, an effort that comes with it a great deal of trepidation, insecurity, and bitten nails. So, maybe I am like you. I want to get a good job, and maybe, like you culture children, at the end of the day I really just want to make my family proud. (I’ve never looked up the proper meaning of the name Travis, but “semi-pro comedian and author who shits on proud parents and fictional infants in prose” seems as though it will check out.) It was rumored that I was in part named after Travis McGee, a paperback private investigator who lives on a houseboat, so they already set me up to surpass meager expectations. COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL

COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL In that vein, we want you to take this book with a grain of salt. Chances are you didn’t buy it for yourself, and if this in fact made it into your possession as a gift from your friends, consider it arriving in that very same spirit from us: this is our gift to you. Naming a baby is only part of the journey you’re on, but it’s no small task. We want you and your partner to be on the same page, and when undertaking a duty as great as parenting, you’ll need an unbiased third party to help ensure that Everett is what you’re really, really sure you wanna go with. This is important. Did you know Aila is a Scottish name that means “from the strong place” in Gaelic? And that Alissa loosely translates to “one who will insist on making you sing Shania Twain into her bottle of Corona?” You’re gonna need this guide. And of course, this isn’t science. It’s not peer-reviewed, unless you count my brother Jordan, who didn’t stop quoting Anchorman until well into his mid-30s. I’m just one guy. A really white guy who never misses out on a chance to light up every Todd, Dirk, and Tarry I come across. This, like the rest of your child’s life (or, legally speaking, the first 18 years of it), is in your hands. Do your best, and we’ll do our best to make sure you avoid your worst instincts.

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Table of Contents An Introduction to Guide to Naming Your Baby......................... ix Disclaimer ..................................................................................... xiii A ........................................................................................................ 2 Greg Expectations ........................................................................... 9 B ...................................................................................................... 14 C ...................................................................................................... 19 D ...................................................................................................... 29 E ...................................................................................................... 32 Old Middle Modern ...................... 35 F ..................................................... 41 G ..................................................... 44 H..................................................... 46 I ...................................................... 50 J ...................................................... 52 Brand(on) Exercise ...................... 55

K ...................................................................................................... 61 L....................................................................................................... 64 M ..................................................................................................... 67 N ...................................................................................................... 71 O ...................................................................................................... 73 P....................................................................................................... 74 Steve Jobs ....................................................................................... 77 R ...................................................................................................... 85 S ....................................................... 88 T....................................................... 92 A Late Disclaimer .......................... 94 Famlee Tradition ........................... 97 W ................................................... 102 X .................................................... 103 In Closing ..................................... 105

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Guide to

NAMING YOUR BABY COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL

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AAron First in the dictionary. Middle of his graduating class. Last person to stop quoting Key & Peele. Abbie Somehow a graphic designer even though she has trouble using Apple products. Abe What you’re wanting is something Biblical, with a good, strong work ethic and an unimpeachable integrity. What you’re probably getting is a boy/man who wears an inappropriate amount of camouflage and swears he can tell the difference between regular and sugar-free Monster Energy drinks. Abner Unless this is your grandpa’s name, there’s no reason to name them like a cartoon hobo. The only kid at school who just packs a can of beans in a handkerchief.

Ace It’s not appropriate to respond to the question “Should we get an abortion?” with finger guns. Just pick a normal name and let the nickname happen naturally. COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL

COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AdAm Boring, just like the Bible. He will blend into history like the million Adams before him. Adele She’ll set fire to the rain AND your golf clubs because she never agreed to Saturday being “for the boys.”

When your shirt matches your skirt and your purse matches your grandma. Classic Adele.

Adolpho This is the subtle difference between a server and a waiter.

Aimee Totally has OCD, and by that, we mean that she totally doesn’t understand that it’s a very debilitating mental illness and she’s just a bit of a dick about how you handle her coffee mugs. AlAn Oh, little Alan. It’ll be hard for other babies to take him seriously with that name. Well, I should say it’ll be super easy to take him seriously, because he’ll be the only newborn with an accountant’s name. It’ll be challenging for anybody to really buy him as “a baby.” Other kids will feel weird playing in the sandbox with the boy who claims his G.I. Joes as dependents. COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL

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AlexA People yell, “Hey Alexa!” at her all the time, but not because they need to pull up a playlist or set a timer, it’s because she “forgot” to Venmo her share of the brunch bill again. Also gets “You’re doing it wrong” a lot. AlizAbeth No need to name your child something a Starbucks employee is going to think is their real name anyway. The “A” stands for “Actually, my parents are ding-dongs.” Aloysius If you bought this book AND you’re considering Aloysius, you’re probably in big trouble. Can’t you just budget in to buy him some designer clothes and make him stand out that way? He’ll wish he could take off his name like he could denim overalls, but you can’t chalk up Aloysius as a phase—other than his parents being into steampunk for one winter. AlphA I will accept this if you are named Lazer or Blaze, or something American Gladiators-adjacent. Still, if you love this name, you could just give it to your pit bull or motorcycle. 4

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AltheA The only junior high cheerleader on the sidelines constantly cooling herself off with an accordion fan. She drinks SO MUCH lemonade. Aly Never trust a name with less than four letters, my grandma used to say. This looks more like a suffix than a person. Ambroise I guess. Ambroise sounds a little like something they put in a Chopped basket and you have to figure out how to pair it with black licorice, hot sauce, and a smallmouth bass. Angel The name that looks at home both spray-painted under an overpass or on a t-shirt/hat. If you’re going the Angel route, you might as well lean in and airbrush the nursery ahead of her arrival. Angel will inevitably do many things that keep her from getting into heaven. (That’s why well into her 50s, she’ll say she “shoulda been called Devil” as she winks at you over a giant can of AriZona Iced Tea). AnnAbelle Annabelle will spend her whole life knowing that people can’t tell whether she’s “chill” or “boring.” It’s BOTH AF. She’ll get a little 6

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COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL uptight when someone mistakes her for an AnnaBella, but other than that, little drama from her. Likely a shitty garage band will eventually write an acoustic ballad for her, so there’s that. Ashley More like TRASHLEY, AMIRITE? Seriously, she’s gonna be A LOT. Could I interest you in a Tara?

Ashton Including the day he was born, his hair will be consistently, inexplicably wet—a clear sign that you can’t trust him. Guys will hate him, but you know, the girls… they will, too. A great name if you’re feeling nostalgic for your youth and you want to raise a bully from a teen comedy. AudrA Weirdly good at making her own clothes, yet is still confused by most technology. You think it’s odd that she does Tarot readings for her corgi (his name is Monty, obvs), but she thinks that’s just Audra being Audra.

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Greg Expectations

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Greg Expectations What’s in a name? Sometimes, WAY too much We here at Two Dollar Radio want your children to grow up healthy and happy—and to be voracious readers (*wink). But as much as we want them to be the protagonist of their own story, there’s a risk that in crafting their story, you may cast them as the Legend That Never Could. Sometimes, it’ll be more kind to give your child a very basic name that allows them to leap over very low expectations. Imagine how much better it’ll feel to say, “Good job, Kim. We’re very proud of you,” versus, “I just can’t understand why you keep doing this, Oprah.” Cheers to late-night Pepsis, always having each other’s backs, and always having a giant button of whoever we’re dating. Love you, Whitney. Love you, too, Britney.

COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL thor This is a lot to live up to. Can you imagine your little guy wondering how he’s meant to swing a golden hammer during those awkward years when he’s already struggling just to keep his eye on a baseball? Maybe that’s too much for you to fulfill, too. What if he ends up actually mega strong, but one of those weird ripped 11-year-olds who kind of look like they’re Photoshopped? You could always keep it lower-cased until he grows into Capital T(hor). Maybe he’ll try to remix his way out of it with a “it’s pronounced “tee-whore, actually…” Remember: real Thor—and Captain America—are played by Chris. Don’t force it. lebron This is ballsy, friend. There’s plenty of All-Star players with average names you could go with: Larry, Charles, Jerry, Kristaps … don’t saddle them with a GOAT name when they’re just hoping to be a BASS (Best At Social Studies). I can see some potential for fun, sure. You can’t beat a kindergarten entrance that involves him calling his own name in a booming announcer voice and then clapping the erasers together before taking the court/his seat. Such epic pageantry will grow old though, especially since no matter how well he does in school, he’ll always rank second to Michael.

COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL obAmA Again, I can’t fault parents from trying to set a gold standard for their kid, but where do you go from here? If you live on the coasts, maybe you can coast on this one, but in the Heartland, he’s gonna have a rough ride. Personally, I’d pay good money to see young Obama get announced at a rodeo or a county fair, but he shouldn’t have to be responsible for my humor. Also good to remember: OG Obama went by Barry for half of his life. Even he thought it made sense to jump over the lower Barry bar. No matter how successful your child is—in surgery or Silicon Valley— he’ll still be known as “not the president,” for clarity. dolly Look, we know there were other Dollys. I was taught to respect all snack cake ladies, but with respect to Ms. Madison, there’s really only one person we think of when we say “Dolly.” And it won’t be your little one. Dolly was born on a dirt floor, wrote two of the best songs in human history on the same day, not to mention built a theme park that employs half of Tennessee, and WILL NEVER DIE. Can your Dolly compete with that? The first day her braces hurt so much she has to take two days off school, you’ll realize you saddled her with too much legacy to live up to. Dolly and her husband (Carl Dean—now that’s a name) never had children, possibly for the same reason. If ever a woman could pull off a Junior, it’d be Miss Parton, but even she would have gone with “Carla” if she ever had a girl. As always is wise: follow Dolly, don’t make a new one. COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL

Unless your child is an ’80s villain, we can all agree that Brad, Todd, and Brandi with an “i” are all atrocious ideas.

ith all the swagger of the Palmyra Pumpkin Princess, the Two Dollar Radio Guide to Naming Your Baby will help you name your child by calling attention to those names you should probably definitely avoid: Adolpho (This is the subtle difference between a server and a waiter), Garrett (Shows off at a bar by using his passport as an ID), Paige (She’s never really going to get it, but you’re not gonna stop trying). While we can’t promise you your child will be a success, we can provide you with the tools necessary to ensure your child will not be an epic failure. For Example: • Fiona: Ahh, yes, you like Disney. Who doesn’t? But there are no actual princesses, and many Fionas grow up to become penpals with murderers and marry them in prison. You’re playing with fire. • Dylan: Can you still love your child if they grow up to send dick pics through LinkedIn? • Hailey: It’s hard to hear anyone say, “I’m not racist, but…” Especially when it’s a 14-year-old. Who wronged her? It was you. $14.99 ISBN 978-1-937512-96-5

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