The Block-E-files

the existence of a supposed Buchanan Block E. Observe exhibit A:

Not only does Buchanan Block E not exist, it cannot exist.

Harry Sadleir Senior Staff Writer

By the time you graduate from UBC, you are expected to leave with a few key things: writing proficiency, knowledge that Loafe > Blue Chip, expertise in your field of study and the idea that Buchanan Block E is an “actual building” that “really exists.”

This last “fact” is, of course, nothing but an attempt at persuading the public of a factual impossibility. That’s right, dear reader — not only does Buchanan Block E not exist, it cannot exist.

Uncovering the truth hidden in this architectural web of lies will not be easy, but through the evidence presented herein, you too can awaken to the fact that Buchanan E isn’t real and anything “within” is just yet another Buchanan D hallway.

PROOF: FOUR BLOCKS IS THE MAXIMUM NUMBER OF BLOCKS

Here we construct a proof by division into cases on the number of blocks in a structure, to show that one through four blocks are valid, but a fifth block cannot be added.

One: The trivial case. The only way that there could not be one block is if there were no blocks. We can all think of a time we saw a block. You’re probably in a block right now. Since there are one or more blocks, it is valid for there to be one block.

Two, Three: Consider a reduction to the Toy Blocks problem, where a toddler tries to take one cube toy block and stack it on top of a second block (also Toy). This task proves difficult for some toddlers, but eventually they too are able to achieve a stack of (up to) three Toy Blocks. But what are Toy Blocks but a form of block themselves? Therefore, two and three blocks are valid.

Four: The most difficult case, since packing four blocks into three dimensions is a real challenge. You might even be saying to yourself “it’s impossible — four is bigger than three, and that’s the number of d’s there are!” Thankfully, we can use a proof by example on a real world packing of four blocks. That’s right. Buchanan itself.

Observe in this map in which the offending piece of misinformation has been redacted.

I’M NOT BETTER THAN YOU. I’M JUST MORE GOOD IN MOST WAYS //

In this example the four blocks of Buchanan are like a box with its lid removed. This is one way in which four blocks can be arranged, and therefore four boxes is a valid arrangement.

Five: Can’t be done, like literally how would you.

QED.

THAT’S A LOT OF FOUR IN THAT BUCHANAN MAP

This is the most damning evidence against

Notes App: I’m a Dean’s Scholar

Renée Rochefort News Producer

Hello connections, I have an important message for all 23 of you.

I’m incredibly thrilled to announce the University of British Columbia (Vancouver) has bestowed me the new title of Dean’s Scholar for achieving an average higher than 90 per cent in my coursework.

The Dean’s Scholar is attributed to students of exceptional skill, passion and talent as another reminder of how much better I am than all of you. While the Dean’s List is an acceptable achieve - ment, I am humbled to announce that I have superseded it and received the title of Dean’s Scholar for my 99.9 per cent average.

Over my time at UBC, I have achieved the status of supreme student and will be using my huge brain to pursue my dream grad program, a JD-MD-PhD-MScGCAQUA-MASA-MEng-MBA at literally any university in the US that will take me, next year.

I am confident being a Dean’s Scholar properly equips me for the challenge posed by the JD-MD-PhD at [TBD] University. My success despite my rigorous schedule at UBC is a testament to my ability to challenge myself (I googled “UBC bird classes” to pick my classes) in a competitive environment.

I’m “extremely grateful” to have this notation on my transcript. I can now brag to my peers about being better than them (in a respectful manner), let future employers know (they don’t care) and inflate my parents’ egos (every family member will know about my colossal brain).

A massive shoutout to Sparknotes, ChatGPT and Chegg for supporting my education and success. My lawyers (parents) have told me to clarify that this support is purely theoretical and does not constitute academic misconduct.

That’s right. Buchanan what now? Quadrangle. I don’t think that word is real, but quad means four and there it is written right in the middle of Buchanan’s aforementioned box-with-its-lid-removed formation. Not convinced? Exhibit B:

As you can see, labels for this diagram go only up to (and never past!) the number four. And four is the number version of the letter D, with five (the number version of the letter E) conspicuously absent.

Conclusion

There are many questions left unanswered. Why does Big Buchanan E so badly need for this lie to be believed by the masses? How long has it been like this? How is this related to Big Blue Chip Cookie Store?

Some may say the burden of proof for such questions lies with the people making outrageous claims that go against the shared knowledge of a 60,000 person student body.

To that I say nuh-uh.

How far does this all go? If you ask me, it goes straight to the top. The top of Buchanan Tower.

Oh no, someone’s pounding on my door — it must be Big Buchanan E! It’s too late for me now, but you can carry on the fight. Remember to stay vigilant, count to four (not five) and open your eyes. U

Blog is The Ubyssey’s humour section. Don’t take us too seriously.

Thank you, me, for fucking killing it every day. And lastly, thank you, UBC, for being okay, I guess. I owe you all my gratitude.

I promise to work hard and strive to achieve a 100 per cent average in the upcoming year and make Deborah Buszard (and, of course, Santa Ono, my original king) proud.

Yours truly, a UBC Dean’s Scholar U Notes App is The Ubyssey’s satirical opinions section. Send pitches and completed pieces to blog@ubyssey.ca.