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ASUCR passes Bigfoot resolution, approves corporate sponsorships Eric Gamboa
SENIOR STAFF WRITER
I r i n S o n /HIGHLANDER
ASUCR’s most recent senate meeting has resulted in the passage of a resolution acknowledging the existence of Bigfoot at the botanical gardens, the approval of corporate sponsorships and an injunction for the removal of cell phone signal-interfering devices at the HUB. On April 1, numerous students were strolling through the botanical gardens when they saw a giant, hairy creature that resembled a gorilla. Upon closer examination, however, the students concluded that the creature was actually Bigfoot (also known as sasquatch); photos taken by the students have led many others to share their conclusions regarding the creature’s identity. Bigfoot’s appearance has been
UCR welcomes new camel and ostrich express
attributed to the presence of beef jerky in one student’s backpack. “This definitely confirms my suspicions regarding the establishment of the Citrus Experiment Station in 1907. I’ve always known that it was just a cover-up for the real objective: to allow the University of California to get credit for finding a live specimen of Bigfoot,” asserted a Bigfoot enthusiast and Riverside resident. The sighting has prompted a surge in Riverside’s tourism. In the aftermath of the sighting, the botanical gardens witnessed record-high numbers of visitors. The impact has also been felt at UC Riverside; university administrators have announced that they are considering a change in the school’s mascot from SPONSORSHIP CONT’D ON PAGE 3
Chupacabra sighting prompts concerns at UCR
C o u r t es y
o f t he
UCR C h u p aca b r a F ace b o o k P age
K e v i n K e c ke i s e n
SENIOR STAFF WRITER
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Eric Gamboa
SENIOR STAFF WRITER
UC Riverside’s new Camel and Ostrich Express has begun its task of transporting students across the stretch of parched land between campus and the University Village (UV). The university’s purchase of the fleet of 12 double-humped camels and ostriches was prompted by students’ complaints regarding the inconvenience of walking to the UV. “With the de-
mise of the trolley system we needed an alternative way to transport students to the UV. With these animals we’ll be able to save thousands per year; plus, camels and ostriches are far more environmentally friendly,” stated an official from Transportation and Parking Services (TAPS). The camels, with a maximum walking speed of approximately three miles per hour, cater to students who prefer to travel at a slow pace.
Meanwhile, the ostriches are reserved for students that are running late to class and need a faster travel method. With running speeds of up to 40 miles an hour, the ostriches have quickly proven to be a favorite among university students. “The ride was absolutely exhilarating! We zoomed past all those slow bicycles and scooters; they didn’t stand a chance,” stated a UC Riverside student who CAMEL EXPRESS CONT’D ON PAGE 3
Last Tuesday a UC Riverside student took a photo of what he believed was a Chupacabra roaming the parking lot outside of the Student Recreation Center. The sighting has prompted mixed responses ranging from deep concern to awe. “I had just finished working out when I saw it standing next to my car, sniffing the air,” the student told the Highlander on the condition of anonymity. “At first I thought it was a dog, but when I got closer it didn’t look like any dog I’ve ever seen. I had to get a picture of it.” In the picture the hairless, big-eared creature is seen running from under the student’s car. The student immediately notified the authorities, who quickly responded to the scene but were unable to capture the animal as it fled to the Box Springs Mountains. In the following days, numerous staff, CHUPACABRA CONTINUED ON PAGE 3
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Scotty the Bear to Harry the Bigfoot. The second portion of ASUCR’s senate meeting witnessed the passage of the corporate sponsorship initiative. The bill, which went into effect immediately, allows for corporations to purchase the naming rights of campus buildings. Numerous companies are already in the midst of finalizing their contracts with UC Riverside; Taco Bell Tower, Pepsi Hall of Engineering, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Library, Costco Hall and the Burger King Lecture Hall are among the newly named buildings that are currently underway. “I could get used to the new Costco Hall name. That’s how I always pronounced it anyway, until I found out that it was actually Costo Hall,” stated a third-year biochemistry major. The final resolution passed pertained to the cell phone signal-interfering devices at the HUB. For years, students have dealt with the frustration of dropped calls and failed texts since satellite signals are unable to reach any cell phone on the first floor of the HUB. The implementation of the signal-interfering devices was first implemented in 2005 in an attempt to persuade students to stop looking at their cell phones and instead look at menu items. “I think it’s a huge step forward for our university. Now I can finally text while eating orange chicken,” said a first-year student. “I wonder if these same signal-interfering devices are also H used at the student dorms.” ■
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CAMEL EXPRESS FROM PAGE 2
rides the ostriches on a daily basis. University administrators chose the animals due to their compatibility with the Inland Empire’s climate. “With all this Riverside heat I am sure that our camels will feel right at home as if they were in the deserts of Western Asia,” stated one of the camel handlers. With ridership estimated at 300 students per day, the Camel and Ostrich Express will likely expand to meet the rising demand. The success of the new transportation method, however, has come at the cost of an increased amount of ostrich and camel droppings along University Avenue. To combat this growing problem, officials from UC Riverside’s Department of Entomology are currently securing government approval to import dung-feeding beetles. In order to further promote the use of the camel and ostrich express, university administrators are considering the purchase of novelty clothes items that can be worn during the ride. “I think it’s a great idea. What could be cooler than riding a camel while wearing Indiana Jones gear?” inquired a first-year entomology student. The university is currently accepting suggestions from students; the top three items will be purchased in bulk. “It would be great if they could get Aladdin-inspired clothing,” comH mented another student. ■
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TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
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UCR food truck disappears, new Jalapeño’s restaurant disappoints
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Eric Gamboa
SENIOR STAFF WRITER
UC Riverside Dining Services remain in disarray as the future of two key investments—the Culinary Chameleon Food Truck and Jalapeño’s Restaurant (under construction)—have become jeopardized. In an apparent backfiring of its namesake, the Culinary Chameleon’s camouflage system has stumped any attempts to locate the $250,000 truck. Meanwhile, students have begun to protest against the HUB’s opening of Jalapeño’s Restaurant, whose menu will feature exotic foods such as kangaroo and alligator meat. “We probably should have giv-
en the truck a paint job based on a more visible animal, like a zebra. Better yet, we should have probably just painted the truck solid colors,” lamented a campus official who was among the original supporters of the chameleon design. Rumors around campus have suggested that the truck is located either at the botanical gardens or the Box Springs Mountains, where the truck’s camouflage properties would be most effective. “I was hiking up to the C when I noticed a giant boulder moving towards me; it turned out to be the food truck in disguise. Luckily, the truck was open so I bought a burrito,” stated a UC Riverside
student in an interview with the Highlander. University administrators will soon utilize unmanned drones to help facilitate the search process. While the student’s burrito was likely composed of chicken or steak, the same cannot be said of the menu items at Jalapeño’s Restaurant. Jalapeño’s was originally intended to build upon the success of its sister restaurant, Habanero’s, but has failed to gain positive interest from students; independent polls have revealed that 99 percent of the campus population is opposed to the new restaurant. The controversy surrounding the restaurant has been exacerbated due to a recent in-
cident in which an employee suffered minor wounds from an alligator bite. Jalapeño’s had planned to advertise its menu items under creative names such as Gator Gyros, Outback Omelets and Beastly Burritos. The creative names and other publicity efforts, however, have gone unappreciated. “Why don’t we take the same menu at Habanero’s and put it in Jalapeño’s?” inquired a fourth-year business major. “Kangaroo and alligator? Seriously? I just want a chicken burrito.” It is uncertain whether the university will reconsider its numerous contracts with kangaroo and alligator meat H vendors.■
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students and faculty have snapped pictures of the creature running across the field outside of Rivera Library, near Winston Chung Hall and even through the HUB. “I was about to sit down and eat my Panda Express when I felt something moving under my table,” an English student told the Highlander. “I looked down and saw two big yellow eyes staring at me.” While the animal has been increasingly active this past week, reported sightings trace back to July of last year. Last Friday UCPD issued a statement to the UCR community in which they deemed the animal, codenamed “UCR Chupacabra,” a threat to the campus and that officers are determined to capture the Chupacabra. However, many students have spoken out in defense for the animal. Some have even gone so far as to create a Facebook page titled, “I Love the UCR Chupacabra,” which as of print time, has 287 likes. A fifth-year engineering student told the Highlander that
the UCR Chupacabra saved her life last March. “I was walking back to Falkirk from school late at night after studying for finals when a man came up to me on the sidewalk. He pulled out a knife and demanded that I give him my laptop, and just as I was about to hand it over, the UCR Chupacabra came running from behind him and bit his leg,” stated the student. “It breaks my heart knowing that the police are hunting such a nice, sweet creature.” Many others have also noted the Chupacabra’s kind behavior. An anonymous UCR staff member told the Highlander that the Chupacabra protected him from coyotes on his daily commute to campus. “The UCR Chupacabra is the hero Riverside deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So UCPD will hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A UCR Chupacabra,” said the anonymous UCR staff member. UCPD has not yet responded to any of the campus-wide criticism of their UCR H Chupacabra policy. ■
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TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
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UC to implement campus-wide nap times Eric Gamboa
SENIOR STAFF WRITER
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UC President Mark Yudof has taken heed of students’ pleas for reform by announcing his plans for the system-wide implementation of nap times. The innovative solution has been hailed for being a cost-efficient, pragmatic approach toward students’ needs. “The University of California places the utmost importance on our students’ well-being— both financially and physically. On the one hand, systematic nap times serve this purpose by promoting a student body of well-rested, alert scholars. On the other, the costs saved through nap times could help stem the flow of tuition increases,” stated an executive memo released by the UC. During these nap times, whose duration would range from 45 minutes to an hour, all lighting and other equipment would be temporarily turned off; the cumulative effect of these daily energy breaks are expected to save up to $10,000 per campus, per year. According to reports, students would have the option of napping in either completely silent rooms or rooms featuring relaxing music; the sound of rain drops, gentle waves, a flowing river and summer nights will be featured as part of the soundtrack. “We’re going to be operating on a strict BYOB basis: bring your own blanket,” noted one of the project’s planners. “Hopefully, this will result in less students taking up couch space on the third floor of the HUB
and take their naps in these designated areas.” The large conference rooms on the third floor of the Highlander Union Building (HUB 302N and 302S) will be used for nap time purposes, although other areas will be used during finals week when the demand for naps is at its peak. “I totally support this idea. I usually sleep on the furniture of the HUB’s third floor anyway,” noted one student, who was awakened from their nap for the sake of this interview. “I’m a light sleeper though, so I hope that there won’t be too many people that snore loudly.” The decision is also anticipated to increase alertness levels and class participation during lectures and discussions. A recent independent poll revealed a positive correlation between the number of students in a lecture and the number of students sleeping. According to the student, up to 25 percent of students fall asleep in the average 350-person lecture, while an additional 30 percent are deemed “at risk” of falling asleep. The alarming trend has resulted in numerous instances of sleep-walking and even sleep-talking. “I had one student raise their hand during lecture and begin talking gibberish–something about flying dogs and cold lasagna. Turns out, the student was just sleep-talking,” noted a tenured faculty member at UC Riverside. “Hopefully these standardized naps will send out the message that lecture halls aren’t for sleepH ing–that’s what the HUB is for.”■
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TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
HIGHLANDER
On June 6th, the Supreme Court refused to strike down a California law that offers state residents reduced tuition rates at California colleges. The law’s opponents argue that the bill, which does not distinguish between lawful residents and illegal immigrants, violates a federal law that prohibits states from giving college benefits to illegal aliens on the basis of residence within a state. Unfortunately for the law’s detractors, the Supreme Court wouldn’t even hear their challenge. Lawyers for a conservative immigration-law group that backed the appeal claim that the law is patently unfair to the thousands of full-bred American high school graduates who apply to California colleges from other states each year. These students will have to pay as much as $20,00 more for college tuition than the illegal immigrants (and many other California residents) that the bill aids. Others have argued that the bill gives preferential treatment to illegal immigrants - it is just one more derivative of affirmative action, bent on taking positions away from the hard working, middle-class Caucasians who really deserve
HIGHLANDER EDITORIAL
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RICK SANTORUM: MAKING AMERICA SAFE FOR CHRISTIANS AGAIN Ever since the GOP primary began, the liberal propaganda machine (aka the media) has been out to get Rick Santorum, former senator from Pennsylvania and current candidate for the Republican presidential nomination. He’s been criticized for his firm stance on social issues such as gay marriage and women’s health, his relentless opposition to the socialist policies of the Obama Administration, his stylish choice in sweater vests and, most notably, his religious beliefs. So far we at the Highlander have done little to combat these baseless attacks on Mr. Santorum’s character, but we can no longer stand idly by as America’s last, best hope for a brighter future is carelessly cast aside. And so it is with great pleasure that we announce our official endorsement of Rick Santorum’s bid for the presidency. Now, let’s dispel some of those nasty rumors, shall we? Many have suggested that faith plays too large a role in Santorum’s platform, that he is only interested in seeing Christian values validated, replicated and enforced by the government (as if that were a bad thing!). Individuals of this irreligious predisposition have no doubt been biased by the erroneous notion that religion shouldn’t play a role in politics. They side with JFK, who said in 1960 that he believed “in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute, where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote.” Last month, Santorum stated publicly that the speech makes him want to “throw up.” We couldn’t agree more; the separation of church and state is just so icky. Think about it - we could be living in a nation that refuses to acknowledge the religious doctrine of any faith as a legitimate source of legislation. Bleh! And people act as though this is the way it should be, HIGHLANDER STAFF Editor-in-Cheese
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like it’s in the Constitution or something! What many Americans fail to recognize is that Santorum is defending the interests of an abused minority. President Obama’s war on religion has been really hard on Christians, who make up a meager 78 percent of the population. Most recently, Obama threatened to force religious organizations to pay for contraception for all their female employees, regardless of whether or not said organizations approve of the use of birth control. Though the president later rescinded the mandate and suggested that insurance companies pay for contraception instead, the message conveyed by the White House was clear: Christian voices have no pull in the realm of American politics. Many shrugged off Obama’s overt attack, errantly believing that he had given them exactly what they asked for, but luckily Santorum was up to the task. Back in October of 2011, when the debacle began, Santorum said, “One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country.... Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay, contraception is okay. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.” The voice of reason— at last! Americans hear all about the benefits of birth control— that it can help couples avoid unwanted and/or unplanned pregnancies and significantly reduce the incidence of abortions on a national level and so on – but why does no one ever talk about the dangers associated with it? All contraception really does is give people an excuse to be promiscuous and, furthermore, have sex outside of the holy bonds of marriage. This is a conviction that many religious people in America share, excepting perhaps the 98 percent of sexually experienced women of childbearing age who identify themselves as Catholic and have used a method
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T i m R. A g u i l ar STAFF WRITER
Today, in the matter of Citizens for Justice vs. The National Health Care Providers of America, the Supreme Court will decide whether nationalized health care plans should cover the expense of male circumcisions and vasectomies. Organizations are claiming that circumcisions are religiously motivated and that American taxpayers should not be required to pay for this surgical procedure. These organizations are also claiming that vasectomies only encourage sexual recklessness and are void of any health benefits in today’s society. Spokesperson for Equal Protection Under the Law, Marion Ballbuster, said, “Why should American Taxpayers finance a man’s vasectomy, when the only purpose behind this surgical procedure is to give men the freedom to have irresponsible sex. If a man doesn’t want a child he should buy a condom and use it. There are absolutely no health benefits associated with a vasectomy and Americans should not have to subsidize a man’s sexual recklessness.” In response, spokesperson for Patriarchy Forever, Gilbert Gotit, said, “Objections to vasectomies fail to recognize the sacrifice men make for women. A man doesn’t surrender his masculinity so he can be promiscuous; he does it so his female partner doesn’t have to resort to other means of contraceptives. Men don’t look forward to going under the knife.” Gotit had no response when asked about the higher risk of sexually transmitted disease occurring in men who have had vasectomies. When asked about circumcisions he said, “Circumcision is not religiously motivated. It is a procedure that has reduced cancer of the penis, when performed on newborns.” When questioned about evidence that associates cancer of the penis to the human papilloma virus, a sexually transmitted disease, he had no response. Obviously, Gotit doesn’t get it, but neither does religion. Circumcision has a rich history and has been associated with religious practices, rite of passage, slavery, sexual pleasure and MEN’S HEALTH CONT’D ON PAGE 9
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of contraception other than natural family planning at some point in their lives (according to a poll conducted by the Guttmacher Institute last year), and yet Obama boldly denies their right to uphold said conviction. The First Amendment clearly states that no American should have to perform any service, pay any fee or abide by any law that in any way compromises his or her religious beliefs. That’s why Buddhists don’t have to pay taxes to fund any of America’s wars and Native Americans aren’t required to follow property legislation that keeps them from conducting religious ceremonies on privately owned land that once belonged to their tribes. I mean, what kind of backwards nation would stand for it? The main point here is that Rick Santorum is not trying to force his religious beliefs on the American people— he is trying to protect them from the hoards of liberal heathens who have taken hold of this nation. And if preserving Christians’ God-given right to have their morals reflected in the laws of their government means limiting the rights of a few other minor demographics (women and LGBT individuals, for example), then so be it. Santorum is no zealot— he is the white knight of the Republican party, marching us bravely into a new era in politics by dragging us back to a significantly older one. He is the president our country needs, but not the one it deserves. As for Santorum’s critics, perhaps they’re right: the senator from Pennsylvania may well be mentally unstable— just mentally H unstable enough to win, that is! ■
Supreme Court to decide on men’s health
Kelly Mahoney
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OPINIONS
HIGHLANDER
TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
The inevitable evolution of written discourse H u n g T ra n FORMER OPINIONS EDITOR
Readers should embrace serious mistakes in spelling, style as wave of the future. Writing, in recent years, has taken center stage thanks to the meteoric rise of phenomena such as text messaging and Facebook. These days, electronic communication is a cultural constant, if not a societal mandate. Not surprisingly, users of these modern means of communication demanded that it be equally as quick and efficient as the Luddite standard of verbal speech. For lack of desire to write and read in block paragraphs, shortcuts were taken. Typos became acceptable losses, egregious mistakes in the basic mechanics of writing were passed off as attempts at stylistic composition and proofreading became irrelevant. It began with instant messaging and emails, and culminated with the dawn of Twitter—poor writing developed into a horrific pandemic. Despite the persecutions of college professors and Internet vigilantes alike, adherents to “The Elements of Style,” as written by Strunk and White, simply could not stem the rising tide of run-on sentences, spelling errors and misplaced punctuation marks. Not even the Oxford comma was spared. Much to the chagrin of those who have little choice but to read or grade essays and other written content produced in this new literary age, the prevalence of grammatical and spelling errors are not an affront or even an
outright assault against the English language as previously believed; for better or worse, what readers everywhere are witnessing is nothing short of the next great evolution of the written word. As such, it ought not to be reviled, as we might despise increased taxes or student fee hikes. Instead, these frequently witnessed and atrocious abuses of the written English language should be universally adopted, without amendment, as the next great evolution of written language. The speed at which people need to communicate in writing has been exponentially increasing and continues to do so. And the onus of relaying clear understanding no longer falls upon writers who clearly have no time to do so. In this era of essaying, flawless and stylistic composition has no place. The time of the paragraph is nigh. Nobody has time for any sort of exposition into a topic of interest, and readers would much rather have writers get to the point and present their evidence. If they do not already have a background in the topic being discussed, they would not be reading the piece in the first place; if they do, there would be little reason for including introductory details with which the reader is already well-familiar. As concluding paragraphs merely rehash the main argument, they, too, can go the way of the phone books. Ideally, an essay should consist solely of opinion and have no grounding in a background with which the reader is obviously aware. Punctuation marks, like the comma and period, are quickly
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becoming superfluous to the understanding of any given sentence, and can thus be safely eliminated without seriously affecting a reader’s ability to understand the writer’s intent. The aforementioned punctuation marks and others that have already been driven to extinction by this generation of writers are basic to written language, and can quickly and effortlessly be mentally corrected by the person tasked with reading—for pleasure or for grading. However, the lone exception to the elimination of punctuation is the exclamation point, which rose to prominence as instant messaging became popular. This marking should be used whenever appropriate, which is to say, all the time. Similarly, proper spelling is approaching extinction for the better good of the world and the universe. Having to edit a typo is cumbersome, labor-intensive and soul crushing. The backspace key present on virtually every keyboard, physical or otherwise, symbolizes a Herculean trial. Furthermore, correcting a known mistake by
Mad Libs Opinion: The GOP primary Before you start reading, go through the article and fill in the appropriate type of word for each corresponding blank:
With less than a year before the 2012 presidential election, the race among Republican hopefuls has been long and (1. ). Filled with twists and turns, what once was a race among half a dozen hopefuls has dwindled down to four (2. ): Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul. For the Democrats, President Barack Obama’s vouch for the Democratic nomination seems more than secure, with no clear challenger among his party in sight. However, regardless of the continual unity amongst Republicans to take the The White House and President Obama’s attempts to stay in the (3. ), it is unsettling to see the fractures among the G.O.P. These differences are in turn reflected among voters both young and old, Christians and (4. ), and even conservatives and Tea Party voters. If people’s differences are continually highlighted day after day, how can they come to a compromise when picking a formidable candidate, let alone be satisfied with the next president of The United States? To understand the differences, it is best to look at the candidates themselves, beginning with the Republican party. Front-runner and former governor of (5. ), Mitt Romney has led with
1. Adjective 2. Plural Noun 3. Room of a House 4. Specific Group of People 5. Fictional Location
Settingthemood.biz
any means constitutes personal weakness and should never be acknowledged. Again, a competent reader should be able to mentally account for an incompetent writer’s mistakes with ease. Despite the protestations of even the most seasoned teachers of English, in this new era, words that are similar in either speech or spelling will eventually become freely interchangeable. Context, not the spelling or the word chosen, of any given word constitutes its meaning within any sentence. Standards used to exist for writing, but thanks to the rising necessity of keeping the speed of writing as close to the speed of thought, they are no longer necessary. It is absurd to believe that any of these so-called plagues on written English are doing anything of the sort. It is a long and arduous experience that will make readers want to gouge their own eyes out, but in the end it will pay dividends as we embrace a great new world where meaning can be discerned from squiggles and gutH tural noises. ■ by
a considerable margin against his party opponents. His campaign has been one filled with successive wins in different caucuses: Alaska, Hawaii, and the heavily contested Oklahoma. The Romney ticket has not been without contest as Rick Santorum, a once dismal last place candidate, is his closest opponent in the polls. Santorum, on the other hand, caters to a different group of people. As a practicing (6. ), his views come into question when pitted against the traditional Protestant Republicans. Romney is no alien to this, as his Mormon beliefs have also been addressed on several occasions. With both top competitors vying for nominee consideration, their religious convictions only create more (7. ) among conservatives. Of course, politics is not simply about what the candidates believe but also about the 30 second sound bites and the trip-ups. What can hurt a nominee more than a slip of the (8. ) or the financial difficulties of a prolonged (9. )? Meet Newt Gingrich. In an effort to keep his head above water, Gingrich scaled back on his staff expenses, laying off one-third of his employees and reducing the number of appearances in public. To garner financial support, he plans to charge a fee of around fifty dollars for a (10. ).
MEN’S HEALTH CONT’D FROM PAGE 8
social status to name a few, but the one that rings clear over time and explains increases and declines in circumcisions is hygiene. That’s right, bathing was not always practical, and during this time in history circumcisions increased for hygienic purposes, which is not the case today. Parents who want a knife taken to their child should know that circumcision became popular when it was thought to be a cure for masturbation, which was believed to cause blindness, mental illness, alcoholism, epilepsy and other illnesses. Now we are told that foreskin is to blame for penile and cervical cancer, urinary tract infections and sexually transmitted diseases. Frankly, it sounds like something soap, water and a condom may be able to address; sorry for the simplicity. So if you want the knife you should pay the price. A vasectomy, on the other hand, is an issue of convenience and is absent of any medical benefit and does not prevent sexually transmitted disease. Therefore, those wishing to take a knife to their scrotum must incur the cost, in more ways than one. This medical procedure is about the convenience of having sex and birth control. It also begs the question, “Has making love become a fast food drive through lane?” Maybe it’s time to recognize moments in our lives when the rite of passage and ceremony is an opportunity to celebrate responsibility. I will not get graphic, but what’s the rush when one considers the opportunity to create a memorable satirical moment of slipping on a condom, in ceremonial jest or maybe you prefer a more serious moment. Use your imagination and celebrate the moment, because altering our bodies in this way, for convenience, is a lazy roll-over H way to celebrate love. ■
C hr i s t o p h e r C o l i n ,
6. Profession 7. Emotional State (noun) 8. Body part 9. Important Event 10. Service Rendered for Money
9
CONTRIBUTING WRITER
11. Fancy Title 12. Famous Building 13. Adjective 14. Prize one is awarded for winning a contest 15. Number
And then there is (11. ) Ron Paul, a long time representative of the state of Texas. Paul is consistent, and it is this consistency which largely appeals to his base of active soldiers, veterans, and libertarians. The once small fractures that swayed voters from one candidate to another becomes more prominent with Paul’s talking points. An indecisive feud ensues among Republicans, particularly the older and younger sectors of them. Divisions like these only hurt the overall Republican party’s aspirations of taking control of the (12. ), while helping President Barack Obama in his reelection campaign. As for the Obama administration, the major task is being able to mobilize the same number of (13. ) voters, as well as the same 2008 supporting base with the road to the 2012 presidential election just around the corner. On one side of the political spectrum, the four Republican hopefuls have their eyes set on the grand prize – the (14. ). As the months dwindle down, one can only expect more mud-slinging, ad hominem attacks, political gaffes and trip-ups. Only time will tell whether the Obama administration will continue another (15. ) years or make way H for the GOP. ■
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TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
OPINIONS
HIGHLANDER
HIGHLANDER
. FEATURES .
TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
11
THE DIGITAL WORLD WITH RYAN SIMON GOOGLE ANNOUNCES PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION
WRITTEN BY RYAN SIMON, SENIOR STAFF WRITER
Photo Courtesy of Google
Photo Courtesy of blog.inner-active.com
“...[a lot of] people didn’t see this coming, and they were so naive to trust a multi-billion dollar company like Google with their information.” -Larry Page, Google CEO
Google has their hands in many different parts of people’s lives. If you use their search engine, Gmail email service, Google Voice, Google Music, Google Docs, Android, Google Chrome, Google+, and/or a plethora of their other pieces of useful software, Google knows a lot about you. They probably know what your major is, what you like to eat, trips you’ve been on, who your friends and family are, and more details about your life than you could possibly imagine. It should come as no surprise then that on April 1 at a press conference hosted by Google CEO Larry Page, Google announced their plans to conquer the modern world using people’s personal information. Page laughed as he said that “[a lot of] people didn’t see this coming, and they were so naive to trust a multi-billion dollar company like Google with their information.” He went on to explain that “Google’s main goal internally at Mountain View has always been to build a company powerful enough to dominate the world. Today, I can proudly say we have reached that goal.” Their announcement for world domination comes after Google’s changes to their privacy policies rendered people incapable of protecting their personal information. Furthermore, Google can legally claim that they are not liable for any damages done to persons using their services. With that
said, press attending the conference had some serious questions to ask the company as Google makes their transition to a dominate world power. A representative for Apple asked, “Does Google have any room to include other corporations in their plans to control modern society? We would love to be able to force the world to only use Mac computers.” Page responded by saying that “even though we have considered teaming up with companies like Apple, it is in our best interest to be the sole dictators of the world. Plus, the world would be terrible if we all used Macs. Everyone will be using the superior Chrome OS and Android systems.” When questions arose about how Google would ensure the safety and well-being of its citizens, Page smiled and said, “we want the world to be like our offices: people will have free access to gyms, daycare, professional chefs and be given time out of their work day for personal projects.” Page also confirmed that every person who accepts Google as the world government will be made an employee of Google’s new venture called Google Empire. “Google Empire is a project like none other at Google,” Page boasted, “we have some great new technology in the works that is powerful enough to destroy entire planets. It’s unlike anything you’ve ever heard of.” He later asked the audience to refer to him as
“Emperor Page” for the duration of the conference. Since I was in attendance, I had some questions of my own: “if everyone works for Google, what will happen to the thousands of businesses scattered across the globe? And how does curing cancer and world peace fit into your plans, Emperor?” Page replied that “curing cancer is certainly on our to-do list, and world peace should be easily attainable once everyone joins our Empire project—we’re working with Metta World Peace to make that a reality.” He then angrily stated that “no other business in the world can do what we’re doing, and they have no place in the Google domination plan.” As I left the conference it was rather interesting to hear the chatter from other attendees. People were genuinely happy, and cheered about having their own personal chefs and the opportunity to work at Google. I do have to say the whole thing sounds pretty enticing, but no doubt the U.N., North Korea, and other governments across the world have taken issue with Google’s new plan and their Empire project. Small groups across the globe have begun to militarize and prepare to rebel against the new Google dictatorship. With these rebel groups and the backing of the U.N. and North Korea, Google has a long fight ahead of them to ensure their place as H the sole world power. ■
“People were genuinely happy, and cheered about having their own personal chefs and the opportunity to work at Google.” Photo Courtesy of toptechreviews.net
12
FEATURES
TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
HIGHLANDER
WHERE NOT TO GO ON CAMPUS IN THE EVENT OF A
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Hay fever, Lyme disease and the resurgence of West Nile are all things to watch out for with the recent arrival of spring. A zombie pandemic can’t be too far out of the realm of illness possibilities, and it doesn’t hurt to be prepared for disaster, right? Right. Now, if you’re thinking of compiling a list of safe places on campus where you might take shelter on Z-Day, here’s a piece of advice: Don’t. A college campus with limited shelter and supplies and a student population of over 20,000 is the ideal location for a zombie feeding trough/incubation tank. It is definitely not a safe haven for living humans. But nobody knows exactly when the plague will strike—chances are you’ll be stuck on campus when the undead rise up. This doesn’t change the fact that the campus is still one of the worst possible places to be during a zombie attack, but here’s a helpful list of places to definitely avoid when running for your life.
ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE Compiled By Grace Kang, Contributing Writer // Photos by Wendy Montero, Wesley Ng, & Linh Chai
RESIDENCE HALLS
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA POLICE DEPARTMENT
Contrary to popular belief that a police department should be your first stop when zombies attack, the UCPD is one of the last places you want to go, especially if the undead are already roaming the streets in large numbers. Sure, there’s an armory and a number of police vehicles at the
First of all, unless you’re a resident or a member of the housing staff, you won’t be able to get into any of the three residence halls. Of course, you can always break into the building, but now you’ve also left an opening for the undead to pour into. You might find some food and supplies here, but housing rules prevent any resident from stockpiling a cache of firearms
station, but you’re going to have to navigate your way through a busy intersection of zombies to get there. And by the time you arrive, most if not all of the guns and vehicles will probably already have been taken by officers responding to calls of cannibalistic activity in the area.
and other weaponry, even if it’s in preparation for the upcoming zombie plague. So unless there’s a double barrel hidden somewhere beneath the dirty laundry and textbooks, you’ve got no weapons to defend yourself when the zombies come knocking. Oh wait, do you play “Left 4 Dead?” Maybe you can throw your Xbox at them.
CAMPUS HEALTH CENTER
STUDENT RECREATION CENTER
Okay, fine. You might be able to barricade a few doors with the cardio machines, but the fact remains that the most of the ground floor perimeter consists of glass windows and doors. It’s only a matter of time before the zombies crack through the glass and drag themselves over the elliptical trainers. What are
you going to do then, hurl a bunch of weights at the horde of undead? And this is, of course, assuming that you’re in good enough shape to lift and throw around weights heavier than thirty pounds. So, where’s your next point of retreat—the racquetball courts? Brilliant strategy, Captain Dead Meat.
THE HIGHLAND UNION BUILDING (HUB)
You’ve seen the daily lunch rush and general uproar—a big building at the center of campus is where most people will flock to for food or shelter, when in fact it is one of the last places you ought to be. If your intention is to raid the dining facilities for food, you’ll have to fight a bunch of desperate people for your own measly scraps.
Already one the most inconveniently located buildings on campus, the health center is the absolute worst place you could possibly run to during a zombie outbreak. The number one thing you can be sure of is that when an outbreak occurs, people with all types of symptoms will be rushing in droves to the nearest medi-
If it’s shelter you seek, you’ll be forced to share the space with a crowd, and are you willing to bet your life that there won’t be any infected individuals huddling in your midst? Not to mention, with zombies already roaming outside the building, you’ll soon be stuck between a bunch of zombies and, oh hey, more zombies.
cal facility available. Now the person sitting to your left in the lobby may just have really bad allergies, but it’s just as possible that within the next five minutes they’ll be lurching over from their seat to rip a chunk out of your face. Stay away from the health center unless you’re interested in feeding a zombie or becoming one.
THE COFFEE BEAN CAMPUS PARKING LOTS
The daily traf f ic in the parking lots that border the campus is bad enough without the threat of zombies sending car owners into a mad rush to get to their vehicles and hightail it out of the city. If you’re one of these people, then you can expect to f ind yourself stuck in a mini traf f ic jam with dozens of other drivers who had the same idea. If a zombie throws itself at your windshield hopefully the glass will be
strong enough to keep it at bay until the traffic thins out, but if the drivers’ nearest the exit has already fallen prey to the undead you might as well be human Spam in an over-sized can. If you do manage to get out of the parking lot alive, here’s something to look for ward to: there’s going to be a lot more traffic where that came from once you reach the highways and major streets. Have fun with that.
BELL TOWER
A small, low-roofed box with glass walls. If this is your stronghold of choice, then you really must be the best and brightest that this fine institution has to offer (or you just have an extreme caffeine addiction). Okay, so there’s a small supply We know you’re far too intelligent to have even considered climbing the bell tower, but there will always be one genius who thinks, “Hey, what if I just go where the zombies can’t reach me?” And what’s taller than a 161foot tall tower in the middle of the campus? Let’s say you’re able to get inside and up to the very top
of the bell tower. You are now essentially trapped in a very tall bird cage with a forty-eight musical bells. On the bright side, this is your chance to fulfill your lifelong dream of becoming a carillonneur. Too bad you’ll most likely starve to death long before you can actually figure out how to play the carillon.
To be frank, if you’re still on campus around the time word of the pandemic gets out, you’re pretty much screwed. As you are reading this, keep in mind that the people around you can either become your allies or your competition during a zombie apocalypse. On Z-Day this campus will suffer a drastic imbalance when it comes
of food, but the majority of it is perishable and your ability to stuff your face as a mob of the undead press in on all sides of your little fortress of solitude is somewhat questionable. Hope that last cup of coffee was worth it. to supply and demand (which all you business/econ majors should be experts on) over food, supplies and any available weapons. If you are stuck on campus when the undead emerge to feast upon humanity, the harsh truth is that 99 percent of you probably won’t make it. So, stay informed and H try to stay alive, folks. ■
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FEATURES
TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
HIGHLANDER
HIGHLANDER EDITORIAL BOARD 1 2
Dating Profiles 2
NAME: Gordon Huang
WHAT IS YOUR IDEA Well, girl let’s go. Walk your heart through that door. OF THE PERFECT broken Sit yo sexy butt on that couch. DATE: Wipe that lipstick off of your mouth. I take it slow.
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WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES:
They know. They know. They know.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR:
Girls that do not crash into mailboxes.
DEALBREAKERS:
I hate sleeping alone. I hate sleeping alone.
WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES:
Driving an hour to try out a new boba place. Obsessing way too much with time travel.
NAME: Bearclaw Dances With Wolves Pegasus Aurelius Maximilian Maximus III WHAT IS YOUR IDEA We hike into the Appalachians hunt and fish. Then we skin OF THE PERFECT and the game, roast them over a fire, DATE: and drink Jim Beam. We then make love under the night sky to the sounds of the wild.
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NAME: Christopher Andrew LoCascio WHAT IS YOUR IDEA We go to Chuck E. Cheese’s and order nothing but orange soda and breadsticks OF THE PERFECT (eaten with utensils). Next, we sit in the DATE: ball pit and discuss international econom-
ic policy (free trade, Euro crisis, etc.). Then she cheers me on as I play skeeball until closing. She drops me back off at my apartment, where I fall asleep on my surround-sound video-game rocking chair. We both carry on with our lives as though this night never happened.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR:
Can cry on cue, with me
WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES:
Watching chess (but not playing it)
DEALBREAKERS:
See: Summer from “(500) Days of Summer”
WHAT IS YOUR IDEA Picking up my date in my whip, Shark. We both get along OF THE PERFECT Space well, talking about science ficDATE: tion, and platypi. Not paying at-
Sometimes I need that romance. Sometimes I need that pole dance. Sometimes I need that stripper that’s gon’ tell me that she don’t dance.
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NAME: Pranav Bhakta
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR: 4
5
5
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR:
A woman with wide enough hips to bear my children.
WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES:
Hunting, fishing, drinking, writing, boxing, sailing, hiking, travelling.
DEALBREAKERS:
A woman with makeup is no woman at all. Give me natural beauty.
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tention, I drive into a time warp and ending up 23rd century. End up enlisting in Starfleet........ Thats not really a date huh?
DEALBREAKERS:
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NAME: Dr. Love (Townsend Gallinger-Sholz) WHAT IS YOUR IDEA First of all, you never look me in the eye, and no kissing on the lips OF THE PERFECT I can’t lose myself like that again. DATE: As far as where we go, I am pretty
indifferent as long as there is a bar and an open mic. Every time I read a freestyle poem or sing an original song, you tell me I’m pretty and I order a round for everyone at the restaurant. When I’ve run out of money, we drive to my apartment so I can talk to you about my various emotional and social disorders. If you respond sympathetically, I cry on your shoulder for a good hour. If not, I scream that you are just like my mom and cry on your shoulder anyways. Either way, when the tears stop I tell you that you’ve changed and ask you to leave.
NAME: Emily Wells
WHAT IS YOUR IDEA Going dancing, a great coffee discussion, exploring a OF THE PERFECT shop museum, or spending the day in DATE: a vintage bookstore. Preferably
Cray girls and those that crash into mailboxes
somewhere really underground.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR:
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR:
Guys with thick rimmed glasses, tight jeans and a sense of irony.
WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES:
WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES:
You probably haven’t heard of any of them.
DEALBREAKERS:
DEALBREAKERS:
Can’t be mainstream.
Someone who doesn’t mind that I am currently engaged. What?! It’s the 21st century - grow up! Scrapbooking, shopping for exotic incense, watching reruns of Melrose Place, doing the weekly crossword and therapy. I’m not into girls with self confidence...so...yeah.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 15
FEATURES
HIGHLANDER
Dating Profiles 7
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TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
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CONTINUED
NAME: Fatima Mirza NAME: Eric Gamboa WHAT IS YOUR IDEA He buys me coffee. He buys me books. He buys me a kitten. He buys me flowers- white orchids, not roses, please don’t be so cliche. He buys me OF THE PERFECT more coffee. Maybe we talk a little, but mainly to plan out future gifts I WHAT IS YOUR IDEA Travel to New Zealand to act out the best scenes from Lord of the DATE: would like, or to tell me how nice I look. He definitely does not bore me OF THE PERFECT Rings. Will need several others by talking about himself, or express his personality in any other way than DATE: present to play the roles of GanWHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR:
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showing how generous he is. Someone who has the sense of humor of Jim Halpert, someone who plays soccer like Christiano Ronaldo, someone who can make seven letter words on a triple when playing Scrabble, someone who looks like Ryan Gosling, has the personality of Seth Cohen, dresses like the men on Mad Men, sings like Brandon Flowers, and finally, someone who really appreciates literature. Is that too much too ask for? No, I think not.
WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES:
I drink too much coffee, read too many books, watch too many movies and tv shows.
DEALBREAKERS:
Must love Harry Potter enough to be able to discuss it at length. Must read other books as well. Must love cats. Must hate kindles. Must never, ever, ever tell me to “calm down” , “chill out”, “shut up”, or “no, you cannot buy that”.
dalf, Gimli, Legolas, etc. One does not simply reenact Lord of the Rings without a full supporting cast.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR:
Someone who is willing to buy me a pug
WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES:
Chillaxing with the bros. Fist bump!
UCR AROUND THE GLOBE UCR Student, Analise Gay shares her travel stories from her studies abroad.
HOGWARTS
Photos Courtesy of Analise Gay & harrypotter.wikia.com
NAME: Analise Gay SCHOOL: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry HOUSE: Gryffindor AREA OF STUDY: Witchcraft
So remember that time I told everybody I was going away to study abroad at the University of York in England? Well, I lied. But if I tell you where I really go to school now, keep it a secret, all right? You see, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has been my home for the past few months and will be for a few more. Turns out, I was not too old to attend and learn to be the witch I was born to be! My acceptance came as shock since by Rowling’s standards I am much too old to still be receiving a magical education. But exceptions have been made before, and I was one of the lucky few to be accepted for a sort of exchange program. I was sorted as any other first-year, and placed in Gryffindor, of course. My stereotypical Leo personality traits would place me nowhere else. I have been welcomed to the common room as a bit of an oddity as an American, which considering where I am seems rather silly. Everyone here is different; we’re witches and wizards. Contrary to popular belief, classes have actual applications—besides Divination, of course. Instead of learning Trigonometry for no apparent reason, I have learned protection spells and spells of simple healing. Mastering spells verbally and non-verbally is a challenge for a Muggle-born and someone who is a bit behind everyone else. Yet, still I am learning charms and incantations that I know will continue to enrich my life once my exchange program has ended. One class that is particularly interesting is “The History of Harry Potter and He-Who-Must-Not-BeNamed.” In it we learn about Voldemort’s youth and how he became who he was, as well as the impact he had on the wizarding world. The second half of the class is dedicated to learning about Harry Potter and the night he became the boy who lived, as well as his
struggles to destroy Voldemort and restore peace. Though most of my peers have grown up hearing the story, only I have already read seven books and seen eight movies about it, so it came as no surprise when I saw did well on all the examinations. After reading so much about Harry’s experience in his “Care of Magical Creatures course,” I decided to sit in on one. Two of the students informed me that they had been bitten by their textbook, and showed me their bandaged fingers as proof. Luckily, the day I decided to sit in the professor had brought in a unicorn from the Forbidden Forest. The unicorn was so white that it was hard to stare at it; it seemed to be reflecting the sunlight. The whole time it was tied to a tree the professor lectured us on the benefits of unicorns. Apparently the blood of a unicorn has magical powers that can save someone who is dying. The professor lifted a vial of unicorn blood to show us its color and consistency, which was thick and silvery blue. After the lecture we were able to approach the unicorn and pet it, which was an insane experience. It felt much softer than a horse; it felt like silk. Possibly the most fun I’ve had here was when we were allowed to go to Hogsmeade one night. Take it from me, butterbeer is just as amazing as Rowling described. But even better than the butterbeer is the daily dinner in the Great Hall. The ceiling of the Great hall surpasses any other building I have ever been in. All of the students gather at their respective tables and eat until they can’t eat anymore. There are hundreds of options to chose from every night, and best of all, the food replenishes itself immediately. Hopefully my article can reach everyone at UCR soon. After living so long with email and text messaging, communication via owl mail isn’t the fastest H way to go about it, but I’m not complaining. ■
16
FEATURES
TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
HOROSCOPES
HIGHLANDER
April 2012
BY FATIMA MIRZA, SENIOR STAFF WRITER
AQUARIUS
( Jan 20 - Feb 18 )
You’re going to decide to not go to school one day this week. You will take your friend’s dad’s prized 1962 Ferrari GT California and get your significant other out of class, too. The three of you will drive to Chicago, where you will go to an art museum, a baseball game and enjoy a fine meal. However, your professor will be hunting you while you are gone, hell bent on catching you ditching class, and your sister will have a vendetta against you. Except she will end up meeting Charlie Sheen, so she’ll calm down eventually.
TAURUS
( April 20 - May 18 )
You will have a horrible life, until one day when a letter arrives by owl. Guess what, you are a wizard. You will find yourself saying goodbye to your cupboard under the stairs and enrolling in a magical school. Advice: stay away from trees that move by themselves, from dense forests, from things that make your forehead hurt, and from people who do not have a nose.
LEO (July 23 - August 22) When you were born, a monkey raised you up for everyone to see. Years later, you realize your kingdom is everything the light touches. So of course, you go where the light does not reach. One thing leads to another and your father dies because of a herd of wild wildebeests. Your uncle blames you, you run away. You start seeing your father in the clouds. You are either schizophrenic, or somehow seeing your father’s ghost. Either way it helps you realize your destiny and you run home to reclaim your kingdom. You defeat your uncle. It rains. You roar.
SAGITTARIUS
PISCES ( Feb. 19 - March 20 )
ARIES
You hang out with a little kid that sees dead people. You’re dead but you don’t know it yet. What a twist!
GEMINI ( May 19 - June 21 ) Save up your money and go buy yourself some chocolate this week. You will find that you won a golden ticket! Lucky you, now you can venture with a few other lucky winners to see more about how the chocolate is prepared. You will meet some eccentric people. Some of them will be short. They will be orange. They will have green hair. Don’t stare at them. Don’t be a spoiled brat and ask for a squirrel as a pet. Don’t eat a gum that supposedly claims to taste like a three-course meal...
VIRGO ( Aug. 23 - Sept. 22 ) You get a ticket to an indestructible unsinkable ship. It sinks. Or it starts to, but you don’t mind because you’re busy falling in love with a cute boy. He saves your life, you both end up in the freezing water. He helps you onto a door, and you promise him you will never let go. You let go.
LIBRA
This week you should concentrate on running. Run, you, run! You may not be a smart person, but at least you know what love is. Your life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. Sometimes you don’t like the flavors you pick. That’s okay, because you can always eat shrimp. Shrimp creole. Shrimp gumbo. Pineapple shrimp. Lemon shrimp. Coconut shrimp. Pepper shrimp. Shrimp soup! Shrimp stew! Shrimp salad, too! Fried shrimp, dyed shrimp, boiled shrimp, not-yetspoiled shrimp!
You will be chosen as tribute. Or rather, you will volunteer in order to save your younger sibling. You will have to compete against 23 other tributes. You will have to use your skills to survive in the wild, to hunt, at times to kill. You’ll be talented with a bow and arrow. You’ll be talented at catching the eye of viewers, even though you don’t like to boast. There may be a point where you have to pretend to have feelings for the other tribute from your district, in order to help you both get sponsors and survive. May the odds be ever be in your favor.
CANCER (June 21 - July 21) All your life you will be afraid of bats. Then one day you will decide that the best way to overcome this is to become one. You will order hundreds of bat masks and a really neat car and you will walk around your city and take the law into your own hands. You will talk as though you have just recovered from losing your voice. After saving the city from a villanous clown and a man with half a face, you will disappear for a while. Why? Because you are the hero your city deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So you’ll be hunted because you can take it. Because you are not their hero. You are a silent guardian, a watchful protector... a dark knight.
( Sept. 23 - Oct. 22 )
Remember those childhood toys you donated to a little girl when you first moved to attend UCR? Well, they would come to life when you weren’t looking.
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
( March 21 - April 19 )
SCORPIO ( Oct. 23 - Nov. 21 )
After reading this you will die in seven days.
CAPRICORN
( Dec. 22 - Jan. 19 )
Your life is a dream within a dream. And you know what it is like to be a lover, to be half of a whole. You’re waiting for a train to take you far away. You know where you hope the train will take you, but you don’t know for sure. But it doesn’t matter to you, where the train will take you, because you’ll be together.
Come write for the highlander meetings on monday at 5:15pm at HUB 101
HIGHLANDER
R adar
TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Gordon Huang/HIGHLANDER
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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
HIGHLANDER
By Bearclaw Dances With Wolves Pegasus Aurelius Maximilian Maximus The Third, Senior Staff Writer // Photo by Gordon Huang
Good violets are blue,
A cold day camping
A fried turkey leg
Like my bloody steak
Bear bacon at dawn
Save it for later
Good roses are red and thick
I fought a black bear at night
Some meat caught in my mustache
I pulled the steel pin
Tree fell in the woods
Who wants trout for lunch?
Chopped it down for fire.
Dropped it in the water. Boom.
I heard it fall because I
MOVIE TRAILER REVIEWS BY: FATIMA MIRZA, SENIOR STAFF WRITER
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING Oh, great. Yet another movie with too many stars and most likely little or no plot. Other than that the trailer tells us nothing. I’m expecting that “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” is going to be about many overly emotional and insanely dramatic pregnant women and soon-to-be highly incompetent fathers. Not sure what is so compelling about that, but Chris Rock is one of the many, many actors, so it should be funny, right?
A LITTLE BIT OF HEAVEN Oh, no, no, no. This movie looks like it’s going to be one bad cliche after another. Narrated by a terribly cheesy voiceover, the movie is about a stereotypical “wild and fun loving girl” who discovers she has cancer. But, of course, the rest of the trailer is about her falling in love with her doctor. Now that’s a plot twist we weren’t expecting.
SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD At first, it sounds like just another movie about impending doom and the end of the world. But the trailer is surprisingly refreshing. Steve Carell and Keira Knightley star as Dodge and Penny, two neighbors living in a time when an asteroid is set to collide with Earth in three weeks. While everyone else is acting as if it’s their last few weeks alive, partying and pillaging, Dodge and Penny find each other and begin a journey to reconnect with lost loves and family members. It looks like it’s going to be an odd, cute, feel-good-despitethe-bleak-circumstances kind of movie about friendship and self discovery. And it looks funny. Really funny.
MIB3 A must see movie. But only because everyone has seen the first two; most of us saw them when we were so young they’re a part of our childhood. And because Will Smith is in it. And everything Will Smith touches turns to gold.
THE DICTATOR This is movie is going to be hilarious. Exactly what is going to happen in the movie is unclear, the element of mystery has been building a lot of suspense. But one can expect that it is probably going to be offensive, and most likely very risqué, but seeing as the Dictator is Sasha Baron Cohen’s latest masterpiece, it is definitely going to be very, very funny.
THE DARK KNIGHT RISES The trailer we’ve all been waiting for. It now has almost two million views, and with reason. It’s brilliant. The star spangled banner that is heard while haunting images of a hopeless Gotham city are shown sets up the mood for the next Batman movie. It is going to be dark, bleak, chaotic- and as the trailer itself says, “an epic conclusion.” Prior to seeing the trailer, many were uncertain about the casting of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, but her seductive whisper has sold all naysayers. And look, Joseph Gordon Levitt and Marion Cotillard are going to be in it, too! Mark your calendars everybody, The Dark Knight Rises hits theaters on July 20. This is one movie you don’t want to miss.
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
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MOVIE REVIEWS TREE OF LIFE RATING:
★★★★★
BY: GORDON HUANG, CONTRIBUTING WRITER H You just didn’t get it. ■
Photo Courtesy of Fox Searchlight Pictures
(500) DAYS OF SUMMER: THE DEBATE
Photo Courtesy of Fox Searchlight Pictures
With the summer months approaching, the Highlander staff tackles the age-old question of who was in the right in (500) Days of Summer.
TEAM TOM
TEAM SUMMER
BY KEVIN KECKEISEN & CHRIS LOCASCIO
BY FATIMA MIRZA & EMILY WELLS
“(500) Days of Summer” opens with the author’s note, “The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you Jenny Beckman. Bitch.” Even before the film begins, the viewer is treated to an insight to the lead female character. The author’s crude description will soon fit her well. In the diner scene at the beginning of the film, Summer compares their relationship to that of Sid and Nancy, which ultimately ended in murder. She then reveals that she is the murderer, leaving Tom to be the victim. Summer is acutely aware of her position as the wrongdoer in a relationship she refuses to even recognize. She verbally denies that she is romantically involved with Tom, but her actions speak otherwise.
Take for instance their date to Ikea. They roam around the store in different domestic spaces, pretending to be husband and wife. Then, just after she pulls Tom in for a kiss, she tells Tom that she doesn’t want a relationship. Only moments later as they’re walking away, she grabs hold of his hand. Once again, she says one thing and does another, sending mixed signals to Tom. At the end of the film, she admits that she should have told Tom about her future husband. Her lack of guilt demonstrates a textbook example of psychopathy. She disrespects his very humanity, toys with him like a rag doll she’s no longer interested in, and tosses him into the trash for the dogs. When it comes to determining who of the two characters, Tom or Summer, is in the wrong, you must be a psychopath H to think it’s not Summer. ■
Tom from “500 Days of Summer” is without a doubt one of the most infuriatingly cliche hipsters ever to come to the big screen. He makes himself impossible to root for because there’s nothing endearing about some naive twenty-something Smiths-listener who rides out his over-romanticization of the first decent looking “quirky indie” girl who shares his taste in music. It’s a frightening depiction of how inexperienced guys like Tom attempt to relate to women: See cute girl with bangs. Find out cute girl has “substance” because she has somewhat similar interests. Relate on SO many levels (The Smiths, c’mon). Develop unhealthy, fantasized crush on girl. Become convinced that she is “the one,” even though she tells you she doesn’t want a relationship. Tom’s younger sister, Rachel, is the only voice of reason in the movie. She captures the essence of Tom’s delusional tendencies best: “Just because some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you
do, doesn’t make her your soul mate.” In conclusion, Joseph Gordon Levitt himself agrees that Tom was the character who was mainly at fault in the movie. He said, “It was a widely misinterpreted movie, I think…. People tend to say, ‘Why didn’t she end up with him? He was so nice!’ But I think that he was really quite guilty of projecting a fantasy onto this girl that she didn’t necessarily deserve, and that, honestly, he was pretty wrapped up in his own selfish point of view… We’ve all been guilty of it. I’m sure I’ve done the same. And we all do it to one degree or another in every relationship. But it’s just funny to me, because I felt like the point of that movie was illuminating this guy who is basically delusional, who keeps projecting all these things onto this girl, and how that’s a problem for him, and how he then sort of grows out of it. But it seems like a lot of the people that see the movie don’t quite catch that. They just think he’s a great H guy.” ■
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TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
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Re-Decision 2012, Lebron James decides to play college basketball Ram Menon CONTRIBUTING WRITER
LeBron James wants to suspend his NBA career and finish his academic career while playing basketball at the collegiate level. At the end of the season, James will take his talents to southern California and play for UC Riverside Highlanders. According to a source close to the Miami Heat organization, he has made this statement several times in the past. After a recent loss to the In-
diana Pacers, James mentioned that he has been seriously considering stepping down to the college level to get a degree. Lebron will be able to play college ball thanks to an exception passed by the NCAA to allow pro players to play in college for one season, as long as they never played a college game previously. This exception has became known as the Lebron exception. James is eligible because he went pro straight from high school, when he was se-
lected first overall in the 2003 draft by the Cleveland Cavaliers. Had the Lebron exception not been passed, James could not play college ball, since he would be ineligible under the former guidelines. This news was not received with open arms by his teammates, as well as players around the league. An unknown source reported that teammate Dwyane Wade voiced his displeasure in the Heat locker room, saying that “[he] is making the worst decision of
his life.” Head coach Erik Spoelstra spoke out and stated that this is a tough situation for his team to deal with. James will be coming to visit the UCR campus within the next two months. A press conference will be scheduled to be held in the Student Recreation Center. James is currently averaging 26.5 points per game, 8.3 rebounds, 6.5 assists, and two steals as member of the Miami Heat. There is speculation among UCR students as how much James will averH age as a member of UCR. ■
Highlander Quidditch team to be introduced as part of student exchange program P ra n av
b ha k ta
SENIOR STAFF WRITER
The announcement of a student exchange program between Durmstrang Institute and UC Riverside has led to the formation of a Highlander Quidditch team. The student exchange program is part of the Muggle Studies school of Durmstrang, and is the first program of its kind in MuggleWizard relations. By playing the Wizard sport of Quidditch, the organizers of the program hope to not only excite the muggle students at UCR and nearby universities but also help muggles gain a better understanding of Magical
culture. The headmaster of Durmstrang, Igor Karkaroff, said he would be happy to let the Highlander team compete in the Professional Wizard University league, and will provide a substantial grant to the team to buy equipment and take care of other Quidditch related expenses. He also restated that he hopes to share Wizard values with the muggles of UCR. Karkaroff went on to say one main reason UCR was chosen was because of its Scottish roots. The Highlander Quidditch team will not take part in the sport Muggle Quidditch, however. The
sport Muggle Quidditch has been popular in universities especially on the East Coast, where Muggles have formed teams to compete against other Muggle Quidditch teams. Muggle Quidditch has proved popular, however, since it requires no flying broom, which muggles cannot use. The popularity of Muggle Quidditch has lead to the formation of the International Quidditch Association, which boasts team across the globe. However, the Highlander team will actually be playing the original semi-contact flying sport that Muggles have read about in books by renowned author J.K. Rowl-
ing. That means flying broomsticks and three types of flying balls. The plan for now is for the team to practice on the Glen Mor soccer field and compete in games overseas in England. While some details are still in the preliminary stage, the wizard students from Durmstrang will arrive at the end of summer where they will hold tryouts for the team. This is part of an assignment for the Durmstrang students, requiring them to teach and show the students on how to play their traditional game of Quidditch. This assignment will also add to their Muggle Studies research while their stay at UCR. As of right now the team
will need to fill seven spots: three chasers, two beaters, one keeper and one seeker, along with seven back up players. The official Quidditch team Sweetwater All-Stars, one of two teams based in the United States, has had internal discussion of making a visit to UCR once the Highlander team is up and running. As of now tryout dates and regulations will be announced once everything is finalized. Organizers of the committee have said they expect to see some wonderful Quidditch talent, and that they encourage everyone to practice flying on their broomstick at H home. ■
UCR baseball claims victory in Earth’s first interplanetary friendly game K e n da l l P e t e r s o n STAFF WRITER
The UCR baseball team squared off against the Zepton Martians this spring break in what could stand as the greatest game and only game they have ever played on our planet. The Martians were ahead late in the ball game but the Highlanders used a couple late two out rallies to battle back in route to a 12-11 victory. The starting pitcher for the Highlanders, Eddie Orozco, allowed nine hits until he was pulled in the seventh inning. Orozco yielded four walks, gave up eight hits, including a homer in the fifth, and two strikeouts. For the Zepton’s, Ahuja Zimburg went all nine innings as he allowed 19 hits, three walks and two strikeouts Riverside as a group played well together as they scraped together 19 hits. Three homers by the Highlanders sparked their comeback, which two of them came by David Andriese and the other by Kyle Boudreau. Riverside’s Devon Bolasky started off the first inning with a double drilled down the left field line. He was later moved by a wild pitch and scored on a single by Clayton Prestridge. Riverside was able to push their lead 6-4 after five innings before they went on a two inning drought. The Martians scored three runs each in the top of the seventh and eighth inning to give them a 10-8 lead against the Highlanders. Bottom of the eight UCR used two doubles, two home runs and two singles to score three to put them within one of the Zeptons 9-10. Bolasky singled up the middle to put the first runner on for the Highlanders. Bolasky stole second base after two pitches and was later scored by a home run by Andriese. Cody Hough than
doubled to left field and advanced to third base on a single by Bart Steponovich. UC Riverside came to their final inning down 9-11 with the bottom of their order due. Donovan Gonzales singled down left field line and Chase Puente moved Gonzales to third base with a double down the right field line. Devon Bolasky then doubled to center right field for a two RBI’s. Bolasky advanced to third base on a pass ball and later scored on a fielder’s choice as he tied the game. Boudreau then came up to the plate and drilled a hanging curve to deep center for the walkoff home run. Martian pitcher Zimburg was asked how he felt pitching the
whole game for the first time on Earth, “I felt the ball go lower then usual. Back at home, the ball usually floats up a bit and slows down.” Zepton Coach Soran Odwa was asked about his thoughts at the end of the game. “I thought that we were hitting the ball great and seeing the ball good. I believed that we played amazing, considering the players had to deal with the space travel, and 91 traffic. I would also like to thank the Highlanders for their hospitality.” The Highlanders won in fashion but look forward and keep focus when they face their next opponent, the Gingrich Moon ColH ony, this upcoming Thursday. ■
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TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012
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NCAA announces ban on sports idioms P ra n av B ha k ta SENIOR STAFF WRITER
Sports idioms have been banned by the NCAA for use by any media, including journalists and television commentators, after an uproar of the usage of sports idio m s i n c o r r e c t l y. T h e N C A A c a m e t o t h e d e c i s i o n r a t h e r q u i c k l y, sending out a one page memo on the new regulations. The controversy started after a news writer wrote a recap on the Final Four and misused sports idioms in such a way that the article had Ohio State winning by a touchdown against Syracuse. The majority of the press called the NCAA to resolve the issue so an incident like this would not occur again. They hope the NCAA instead issues a handbook guide dealing with how to use sport idioms in the right context. The decision to ban sports idioms came as a total shock to the p r e s s i n d u s t r y, w i t h s o m e s p o r t s writers going as far to say the NCAA “dropped the ball” on the issue. The NCAA press release stated that they came to this decision due to the complexity to explain sports idioms. Also, sports idioms do not always make sense in everyday conversation, and do not meet the high academic principles the NCAA encourages. T h e r e f o r e , a n y j o u r n a l i s t c o v e ring NCAA sports using idioms in articles or the commentary box will have their press passes re-
voked. When asked how the press should describe plays in games, the NCAA responded by stating, “the press needs to be simply more descriptive, and can still resort to metaphors.” Some executives from the NCAA have admitted internally that the NCAA “jumped the gun” on the resolution of an issue like this. However a majority of fans have said they are not surprised, considering the NCAA have made number of questionable decisions over the years. The harsh sanct i o n s h a n d e d o u t t o t h e U S C Tr o jans athletic program in 2010 is a very good example. Facing a growing backlash, the NCAA once again claimed they were not looking to “score points with anyone.” That claim might not be true h o w e v e r, a s t h e E n g l i s h P r o p e r Language Scholarly Association h a s s u p p o r t e d t h e N C A A’s d e c i s i o n , s t a t i n g “ We a r e h a p p y t h e NCAA banned sport idioms from being used, as they have caused the English language to be twisted in order to serve the need of sports writers to describe sport p l a y s q u i c k l y. T h i s i s d i s a g r e e a b l e t o t h e E n g l i s h l a n g u a g e . We hope the NCAA “hands the torch o ff ” t o t h e o t h e r p r o f e s s i o n a l sport leagues to ban these idioms.” For now the sports press foundation feels they have been “hit below the belt” and will look to appeal this ban, if the NCAA deH c i d e s t o r e v i s i t t h e i s s u e .■
Courtesy of Sportsmerchnews.com
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Track and field stadium contains a time vortex, according to UCR department of physics P ra n av
b ha k ta
SENIOR STAFF WRITER
PRANAV BHAKTA
P-BHAK’S CORNER Stern voids Sessions trade The NBA commissioner David Stern pulled off the biggest bombshell out of all the craziness in the world of sports by reversing the Sessions deal. Stern actions prove to eclipse other sport headlines which consisted of the NCAA banning sport idioms, Magic Johnson selling the Dodgers back for five bucks, and Jeremy Lin leaving the Knicks to playing wide receiver for the Jets. The Lakers acquired their long sought point guard in Ramon Sessions at the NBA trade deadline a couple of weeks ago, having to give up Luke Walton and a first round draft pick. The reason Stern might have reversed the Ramon Sessions trade was because the Lakers were winning again with Sessions and that upset Cavs owner Dan Gilbert. Sessions, who had great showing his first couple of games in the Lakers uniform, made Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak look very good in the trade, especially after the disastrous Chris Paul deal, and the Derek Fisher trade that made most fans question Lakers’ management royalty. Hearing Stern might be voiding the trade, Kobe Bryant promised to lower his shooting percentage dramatically, but that was not good enough for Stern. As a result, the Lakers will once again have Luke Walton riding the bench. I honestly think this will help the Lakers out, as they need Walton to keep that bench nice and warm, especially with Coach Mike Brown benching star center Andrew Bynum, and also sitting down Kobe Bryant in one game. The Lakers’ bench drastically needs the best benchwarmer in history, Luke Walton, with their star players sitting down more often. There is no news whether the Lakers’ management will try to appeal the league actions, but a source close to the Lakers said they might protest by playing Metta World Peace the whole game. My advice is that the Lakers look for another point guard, just not H via the trade route. ■
A mystery has arisen at the new UCR track and field stadium. The construction of the track has caused a mysterious vortex to develop, sending runners back in time 5 to 7 minutes when they reach 357.22m from the starting line. The time vortex was found by an unnamed Highlander track athlete, who was certain she ended up in the locker room when running a lap around the track. The coaching staff did not believe the incident, but when athletes started disappearing and reappearing minutes later, the athletic department asked the physics department to investigate the time vortex. The physics department sent their graduate students to confirm the mystery, who were astounded by their preliminary findings. After investigating for a week, the UCR physics department came up with the conclusion that the construction somehow cause a quantum shift in the magnetic field under the track in that specific area. The physics department is currently testing out a magnetic shield that would restrain the vortex so that people do not end up a few minutes back in time. So far the magnetic shield containing the vortex has been very promising. Interestingly, the UCR psychology department has also gotten involved in the investigation, as they have conducted research to figure out why individuals have maintained their memories even while time traveling. The research is still ongoing, and the department has also consulted the neuroscience department for a possible collaborative effort. Just when the track team
A r c h i v e /HIGHLANDER
thought they could get back to practicing, the UCR anthropology department recently started researching the time vortex as well. A representative from the department claims that various Native American tribes and the first Spaniard colonists have re-
counted stories of a very similar vortex. The UCR athletic department has decided that the track and field team will be able to get back to practice on the track as the physics department is nearing completion of the project to close the
vortex momentarily. After the track and field season is over, research projects regarding the time vortex will be given permission by the athletic department. The continuation of research will depend on the budget of the individual deH partments, however. ■
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UCR Football: Gridders close out 8-2 season Nancy Ross STAFF WRITER
Nov. 29, 1973 The UCR football squad closed out a fine 8-2 season on Nov. 17 with a 7628 homecoming victory over United States International University, the most onesided victory in UCR football history. Numerous new standards were set as the Scots rolled up a record-breaking 31 first downs and 738 yards total offense, including 632 yards rushing. The Highlander defense held the Scots to only 269 yards total offense. The USIU game marked the end of UCR careers for 19 Highlanders seniors including tailback Derrick Williams who gained a record 306 yards rushing in the contest. Bill Gadd quarterbacked the Highlanders to their seventh straight victory in lieu of Billy Taylor who was sidelined by an injury. The Scots opened the game playing what Head Coach Wayne Howard termed “casual” football in the first half and allowed the Westerners 21 points before taking command of the game. Derrick Williams scored the first two touchdowns of the game on runs of 27 and 22 yards as UCR led 14-0 with only four minutes gone in the first quarter.
Vince Zarkovich scored USIU’s first TD on a 58 yard pass play from quarterback Mike Ottombrino. Williams followed with the Highlanders’ third score of the night on a two yard run. Francisco Salcedo added the third of his ten recordbreaking PATs. Westerners running backs Collie Cann and Sampson Horne scored USIU’s next two touchdowns to tie up the score at 21 with 10:57 remaining in the half. UCR quarterback Gadd connected on two touchdowns passes before the half ended as Wayne Weathers and Mike Cembellin scored giving UCR a 35-21 halftime lead. The Highlanders dominated the second half despite liberal substitutions by Coach Howard. Bernard Parks ran 71 yards for a score early in the third quarter followed by flanker Butch Johnson’s TD on a 51 yard pass play. The Westerners added their final score of the evening minutes later when back-up quarterback Kerman machado scored on a keeper from the eight yard line. Derrick Williams scored his final touchdown with 25 seconds remaining in the quarter in a two yard run. In the fourth quarter, the Highlanders, leading 55-28, scored three additional touchdowns, two of them by play-
MICHAEL RIOS
RIO-SIDE Magic Johnson sells Dodgers for $5
Courtesy of UCR Today
ers from junior varsity. Following Craig Ditsch’s 36 yard ‘scoring run, JV quarterback Gary Mitchell tallied on a keeper, UCR’s tenth score of the evening. Freshman running back Darryl Logans added the final score with a five yard run with seven seconds remaining in the game. This victory gives the Highlanders a fine 8-2 sea-
son record and a 17-3 record over the last two years under Coach Howard. Next year’s season, termed by Howard a “semi-rebuilding tear,” is an unknown quantity at this time. Nine of Howard’s eleven offensive starters are seniors. Howard feels, however, that he will have “enough really good players returning to still H do well.” ■
UC Riverside men’s soccer creates soccer academy A d o l f o B e j ar STAFF WRITER
The development of youth is the key to succeed at any discipline. It has been demonstrated, throughout time, that creating programs to develop the skills of athletes at a young age is crucial to help them reach their full potential. UCR’s athletic committee, at the beginning of the year, approved a proposal from men’s soccer head coach Junior Gonzalez that granted permission to the soccer department to create the first ever University based soccer youth development program. The goal is to develop local talent into future UCR soccer players. The initiative was inspired and based on the recent success in world-class institutions like FC Barcelona and Arsenal FC. Both institutions, with the support of world-class managers Johan Cruyff and Arsene Wenger respectively, were able to create youth development programs that have seen the rising of soccer stars such as Lionel Messi, Xavi, Andres Iniesta, Cesc Fabregas and Robin Van Persie. Thanks to these programs FC Barcelona has been able to establish itself as the best team in the planet, winning three European championships in seven years. The case of Arsenal FC is a little different since they haven’t been able to win any trophies in the last seven years, but they still undoubtedly play beautiful soccer. Both teams are characterized by the opportunity they give youngsters to develop on teams in the lower divisions. However, when the right time comes, players are given the opportunity to shine on the top-flight team, something many teams do not do commonly. UCR has seen the success at these institutions
Archive/HIGHLANDER
and has decided to create their own soccer academy in order to develop youth talent that, in a not-so distant future, will take UCR to the highest level. The program has been going on since the beginning of the year, and so far it seems that for UCR the future will be of glorious years. The most recent scout reports have brought news of young local talent that is in line to become UCR men’s soccer stars. The program has already signed several young players who have athletically and academically committed to UCR. The most remarkable talents that were spotted by the program are Leopold Disarray, midfielder; George Fields, goalkeeper; and Roberto, a soon to be born baby and striker. Leopold Disarray was spotted in a park in Riverside,
while playing for his under-8’s team; it is said that he is the new Maradona. So far this season, he has scored three goals, albeit with his hands. George Fields is a three-year old goalkeeper who would not stop hugging a ball he was given during his birthday party; the scouts noted that he has secure hands and a natural love for the ball. Roberto, the baby soon to be born, is a powerful left-footed striker who was spotted by the scouts while at a baby shower back in February; the scouts reported that his left foot consistently and powerfully kicked the mother from the inside out. The future looks bright for UCR with these new signings and hopefully in a not-so distant future they will bring a championship to RivH erside. ■
Erving “Magic” Johnson immediately regretted his decision to buy the Dodgers for $2.15 billion dollars. Realizing how worthless of an investment the Dodgers would turn out to be in the short and long term, Johnson decided to sell the team for $5 to some homeless guy he met at the park. Just 24 hours after the deal, Magic realized that the Dodgers were losing more money than they were making. Failed investments in Dodger Dogs, Manny Ramirez and free bobble heads that had traces of lead paint were the primary culprits of the monetary losses. Apparently there was also this little issue with Frank McCourt, but that’s not really important. Upon realizing the mess that he got himself into, Johnson decided to do what any smart person would do and sell the Dodgers for $5 to some random homeless dude he met at MacArthur Park. It was simply the right thing to do. But how is spending $2 billion dollars and gaining five bucks a wise move? It’s simple: this is the Dodgers we’re talking about here. The never-winanything-but-always-bragabout-how-cool-theythink-they-are team is an automatic financial death sentence. A study conducted in 2010 showed that this team was single-handedly responsible for the 2008 recession and for 88 percent of the Greek financial crisis somehow. Magic is lucky he only lost 2 billion dollars in this move. So what happens to Magic now? I think Magic should throw himself a party and be happy he’s not a part of the Dodgers anymore. I mean, I would. Again, this is the Dodgers we’re talking about here. Any time that you rid yourself of a sorry excuse for a franchise and still get five bucks in return, you should definitely go out and celebrate. If nothing else, Johnson should use the $5 he got to buy himself a nice, tasty H Dodger Dog. Win-win. ■