MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU

JOLLY TIMES ON THE john

Story by Brooks Bass | Photos by Katherine Lugo

The commode, the John, the loo, the porcelain throne, the crapper, the potty, the lavatory. No matter what you call the toilet, it is estimated that you will spend anywhere from three to seven months of your entire life sitting on it.

According to ABC News, the average American can spend up to an hour a day using the toilet. It’s a time that so many view as sacred because, for most people, it’s the only time of day they get to spend alone. Between the hustle and bustle of the busy world, trying to balance school or work with a social life and family, the time people spend on the toilet is something that so many look forward to. It feels like a timeout in a world where time seems to fly by.

A survey from BankMyCell found that three out of four Americans use their phones while on the toilet. Of those surveyed, over half (54%) admit that they used social media apps more than any other kinds of apps while using the toilet.

From a hygienic standpoint, this is absolutely disgusting. The same survey from BankMyCell found that the average cellphone can have up to 10 times more bacteria than a toilet seat. So think about this: it would be cleaner to put a toilet seat up against our face than the piece of technology that we usually press against our check multiple times per day. On top of that, one in six of Americans have dropped their phones in the toilet. There is no amount of rice you can place your phone in that would remove the shame your phone has.

But does using your phone while doing your duty have any other consequences? The links between social media and mental health issues are especially prevalent amongst Generation Z. The BankMyCell study also found that 96% of Gen Zers use their phones while using the bathroom. Depression and anxiety can lead to irritable bowel syndrome. That means that using your phone while sitting on the toilet could also be harmful for your health.

This time, which so many people view as being private and relaxing, may not be so relaxing after all. It is merely a pseudo effect that you get because we associate using our phones with relaxing, even though it is actually causing us to feel more stressed. You can’t tell me that seeing breaking news of a horrifying event on Twitter while you are using the bathroom isn’t going to affect how you drop a deuce.

While looking at your phone may affect your bowel movements, it does not have as much of an impact as what you put into your body. If you don’t regularly eat foods that are high in fiber, such as fruits and vegetables, you can have serious issues with your bowels. However, it is important to introduce high fiber foods into your diet slowly.

Flooding your stomach with totally different meals than it is used to consuming can mess up your digestive system at the beginning stages of changing your diet. Drinking plenty of water is also important for acclimating your body to a new diet, and for your bowel movements in general.

Exercising is also something that can ease your bowel movements. Cardio allows for more muscle and nerve movements, as well as the consumption of more water, which will allow for smoother bowel movements. According to Jennifer Bayliss from Everyday Health, doing a 30 minute walking exercise or multiple 10-15 minute walking exercises can help you function more efficiently while using the bathroom.

Why is it, though, that so many people find comfort in the privacy they get from using the bathroom? For many people, it does not seem to be an enjoyable process, yet so many people feel that sitting on the toilet is some sort of mini-vacation. I think that it says a lot about our society. We put so much value on the few minutes that we get to take a poop because it is our alone time.

It is recommended by medical professionals that we spend at least 20 minutes every day alone. When you spend this time alone, it shouldn’t be with your phones, where everyone else’s thoughts but your own are staring back at you on a screen. Spend this time alone with your own mind. This time should also not be spent trying to drop a turd in the can. This time should be spent thinking, not multitasking.

So, let’s say you’re someone who falls under one or all of the categories above, and you know that your bowel movements could be better, but you’re wondering where you even start. If you’re someone who is obsessed with bringing your phone to the toilet, try bringing an informative piece of literature with you instead. While this may not be the most sanitary solution, at least you will be learning something rather than just entertaining yourself. Eventually, you want to get to a place where you can focus on your bowel movements rather than just trying to rush them along.

If you’re someone who struggles with mental health issues, seek help from a professional. Doing this will help you begin a journey to living a happy life. I bet you didn’t think an article about pooping would talk about mental health.

Lastly, if you are trying to change your diet, encourage someone to do it with you. Diet changes are always tough when it seems like you are the only person who isn’t eating “good” food. Having someone to go through the struggle of changing your diet by your side will help.

The key to happiness on the toilet is to not put so much emphasis on it.

Treat it as the place where you take care of your business - because that was all it was ever meant to be. It’s the place where you poo, nothing more than that.