Ways to (realistically) pay for grad school

By Rey Mattes @reyputati0n

As the years finishing your undergrad come to a swift close, the open door to life after college beacons to you. In fear, you turned back around and go for the second door; Grad school. Nosey neighbors and overbearing family members call to you from the land of the living…

What are you going to study?

I don’t know.

What field are you going into?

There are so many options.

How are you going to pay for school?

Well… Here are some ways to make them stop asking. But really if you want to do these things, they’re kind of genius.

I’m going to pursue my longtime hobby of fraudulent merchmaking

One thing toxic family members love to tune out is your interests that they don’t care about. So, dive deep into your mind palace and find the sealed memory of your fan-fiction writing days and break that door down. What would a younger, incessant, slightly obsessed you love to wear? Perhaps a Taylor Swift cardigan? Maybe that one Twenty One Pilots shirt everyone had? Coincidentally you’re actually going into that business! No, you don’t know the artist, but you’ll be selling to teenagers online who will pay exorbitant amounts for it, and your clients never have to be the wiser!

I’m going to be like the Dog Whisperer, but for teenagers who vape

Pick a cause dear to everyone’s heart that is in dire need of attention. Whether it’s true or not, your listener and the nosey neighbor will be reminded of their connection to the topic, and pity those who need your help. Maybe your neighbor’s son’s room reeks of Redbull or blue raspberry fizz-scented vape juice and they just can’t get their kid to see that popcorn lung isn’t worth it. Whatever it is, put the message on blast, make the viewer pity the afflicted and watch the donations start rolling in. But look at you! You’re helping those in need. Pat on the back to you. The only downside is that maybe they won’t remember the show Dog Whisperer.

Stripping

You need not elaborate on this tale as old as time. Generally, people are uncomfortable thinking about someone they are related to stripping, so this is a surefire way of shutting them up. Double points if you’re saying it to a religiously conservative old lady! (This is actually a really good idea though, think about how much you’d have in the bank and how sexually liberated you’d feel.)

I want to start an underground ring of baby teeth trading

Apparently, baby teeth have stem cells in them? Yeah, that’s useful. You never know when you’re going to need some stem cells! With your underground baby teeth trading ring, you can find fresh baby teeth, vintage baby teeth… and then you can… do whatever you want with them? I don’t know, maybe use this example if you want people to never come over to your place again.

Marrying old and wealthy

Always a sustainable business option. Good for those who look good in black.

“No officer, I had no idea that was his oxygen tank cord, I must have tripped on it on the way to sunning on the terrace!”

And if none of these avenues appeal to you, come up with your own! Anything is better than taking out a student loan.