That Ugly Therapists Couch

By Melanie Tippens

Hello. Welcome. Sit on the couch or the chairs, if you prefer. I’m finishing up here. Get comfortable, stretch your legs, relax. Take a breath if you need to. Oh, you’ll need to.

Now, why are you here? Let’s start at the beginning if you will...

When you were a child, how was your relationship with the mass of meat lodged in your head?

Did you get along well with your amygdala induced hallucinations, machinations?

Did your syndrome symptoms elevate when you began the fundamentals of theory of the mind?

I see you are confused, let me rephrase...

Tell me about your urge to urgently originate betwixt Plato and Diogenes. Do you frequently compare yourself to the lengths of Socrates and Dionysius?

If you were to draw me up your current schedule, would I find your future plans to Alleviate yourself to elevations more befitting someone of a sounder mind?

I don’t mean to pry, but it has been a while since our last session...

Are you still finding it difficult to differentiate between Escher Mandelbrot illustrations and fractals?

These discoveries are important, you know.

My objective is to assess through your rather non-subjective concise conjecture.

If you are still able to attend our more propitious and rigorous settings

Oh, you have a different idea. A more muddled, murky, medicinal, magical approach?

I appreciate the enthusiasm, but you are hardly in any position to propose pre-dispositional projections

How about this?

Monday, clinical assessment of your apotemnophilia

Tuesday, titration of that unseemly mess of mucus and murder

Wednesday, a re-introduction of capgras and the fundamentals of lysergide daydreams

Thursday, a perhaps well needed surgery to remove that which is spreading at an alarming rate

Friday, a well-deserved break, if you think you still deserve it after the transorbital lobotomy

How does that sound?

Well, it looks like our time is up.

I would appreciate it if next session you contributed a bit more. Please, less screaming would certainly be an improvement and make sure you work on that as your homework.

I’ll see you next week.