Kathryn

Illinois

THE GLENVIEW GUIDELINES (FOR YOUR AVERAGE WHITE KID)

in elementary school when the only money that matters to them is monopoly or when the colors they get to see are just pink and blue and green and orange instead of black and white and brown and yellow or when they ask classmates if they wear jeans with holes in them because they’re poor or why they’re that skinny or that fat or if they like to eat dog and cat if you’re not white and blond, none of this applies.

in middle school when you’re not smart enough, you’re an r-word when you’re too smart, you’re a nerd and when you’re both, you’re weird when your mother has an accent that isn’t european, just know that you’ll hear the voices mimicking her for weeks after her visit. don’t forget if you don’t pick up a juul or a vape at age 12, you’re stupid and if you don’t wear uggs and you wear the “fuggs” from costco, you’re poor if you’re white and blond, none of this applies.

in high school you’ll take ap environmental science and talk about the dying earth while you wear lululemon leggings and drink from a metal straw. you must have a white middle name or the kids will snicker when they mispronounce your name at graduation. you will plan to go to college for the parties and not for the education, and if you go to a state school, it’s probably because you’re poor or you aren’t smart enough to leave illinois. you must drive a jeep, preferably white, even if you’ve never gone off roads before. if you drive a jeep, you need either a louis vuitton or a gucci keychain attached to the keys otherwise it doesn’t even count. if you wear doc martens, you must wear skinny jeans with them because you don’t want to look too emo. remember, you have to look exactly like everyone else. at your time here, you must make at least one racist joke at a party, get called out in front of the school, and face no consequences. unless you play a good sport like lacrosse or football or if you’re on the hottest team (girl’s varsity volleyball), you don’t matter. these are the glenview guidelines, and yes, they always have been dumb.

p.s., if you’re not white and blond, none of this applies.