Mary OGANISYAN

One summer, a couple of years ago, I was staying at my grandma’s small apartment. She lives alone in a very beautiful city, which is very far away from the place I do. That summer was special for me as I was about to start a wholly new stage of my life. I had many crucial decisions to make and to support me, my wonderful grandmother gave me a little present a ring. It was silver, had a dark grey stone framed with a floral pattern. It was in an oldfashioned style, such as had been worn in her youth. Instantly, it became one of the most valuable pieces that I’ve ever owned. Not because it was expensive - it wasn’t. But because it was given by a very special person in a very special city.

That ring became a symbol of my connection to the place very close to my heart.

Although she gave it to me to make me feel better, this ring only added to my doubts and hesitation. The thing was that I immensely wanted to move to live with my grandmother and go to University there, but I could not decide on such a step. I had a stable life built at home. I had friends, school, and parents after all, whom I would only be able to see once a year if I moved. Leave everything and go a few thousand kilometres away, where I knew almost no one and could not find a suitable University or a job. It sounded crazy; no one understood me. But my heart demanded this city as it gave me so much inspiration. Being there, I felt that I was able to create something extraordinary, through which I could express myself. It seemed to me that this city could help me to direct all my potential to something genuinely close to me. Something that I truly liked. And at home, there were just that grey sky and daily routine waiting for me: the studies that I didn't like and people that I was already tired of.

Stability or Inspiration? The routine or the ring?

And I chickened out.

Today when I analyse the reasons for my decision to stay under a grey sky in a grey city, I understand that that was only because of fear. Now I realise that I’m not the only one. Many people choose firmness and consistency over their real desires and dreams. We

don't quit a job we hate, divorce abusers, move out, or try out a new profession. We tolerate it. We only tolerate it to make sure that tomorrow will be the same as today. It is better to be not entirely happy now than to doubt the future.

We put up with pain because we are afraid of change.

I lost that ring. Literally the same day I bought a ticket back home. It turns out I left everything in that city: my grandmother, her gift, and all of me.

I lost myself because of fear. We lose our true selves because of fear.