Jewish News Supplement - High Holidays 5784 (September 2023)

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How ‘This Is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared’ became a High Holidays classic

Andrew Silow-Carroll

(JTA) — Every few years I put out a call asking what people will be reading in preparation for the High Holidays, and usually one book tops the list: This Is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared: The Days of Awe as a Journey of Transformation, by the late Rabbi Alan Lew.

Published 20 years ago this month, This Is Real is an attempt by Lew, a Conservative rabbi trained in Buddhist practice, to get perhaps jaded readers to see the period that includes Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and Sukkot as a time for deep spiritual introspection — or, as he writes, a time to “move from self-hatred to self-forgiveness, from anger to healing, from hard-heartedness to brokenheartedness.”

If that sounds like the gospel of

“self-care,” you’re not far off. Lew, who died in 2009 at age 65, came of age during the self-actualization movement, a serious attempt by psychologists to get people to live up to values that transcend their desire for wealth and status. By the time cosmetics companies, crystal sellers, and lifestyle influencers took hold of the concept, it was derided as selfishness disguised as a spiritual journey.

But Lew’s book grounds concepts of “self-discovery, spiritual discipline, self-forgiveness, and spiritual evolution” in normative Judaism. This Is Real never strays far from a traditional Judaism that saw the period of prayer, reflection, and repentance surrounding the holidays as a time for a moral wake-up call.

That hybrid of the traditional and the

much-maligned “New Age” continues to appeal to readers. Jewish educator Joshua Ladon, writing in the 2020 anthology The New Jewish Canon, calls the book “the handbook for American Jewish High Holiday survival,” comparing its influence to Rabbi Harold Kushner’s mega-bestseller When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Synagogues host book groups to discuss the book in the run-up to the holidays; the book’s publisher, Little, Brown and Company, issued a paperback version only in 2018, suggesting its hardcover sales had remained strong for 15 years.

Ilana Sandberg, a rabbinical student at JTS, recommended Lew’s book last month in a video for the seminary.

She first read the book in the fall of 2020 as she was preparing to lead High Holiday services at Brandeis Hillel for the first time as the rabbinic intern, and considers the late author her “spiritual hevruta,” or study partner, in the lead-up to the holidays. The book, Sandberg says, is about “accepting this idea that we are ever-changing beings and there really is a possibility for change, for renewal as we go through the cycle of the year.”

Lew was spiritual leader at San Francisco’s Congregation Beth Sholom from 1991 to 2005. Raised in Brooklyn and New York’s Westchester County, he was underwhelmed by the suburban Judaism of the 1950s and ’60s and, like many Jewish seekers of his era, turned to Zen Buddhism — at one point considering becoming a lay priest.

“It was in a Buddhist monastery, meditating, that I realized who I really am. I am a Jew,” he wrote in One God Clapping: The Spiritual Path of a Zen Rabbi, a memoir he co-wrote in 2001 with his wife, Sherril Jaffe. “A Jew can use the practice of meditation to illuminate his or her Jewish soul.”

A poet and sometime bus driver, Lew

was 38 when he enrolled at the Jewish Theological Seminary, the training ground for Conservative rabbis. In 2000, he founded Makor Or, a Jewish meditation center housed at his synagogue.

In This Is Real, he writes about the meditative aspects of High Holiday prayer. “When we sit in meditation with other people, breathing the same air, hearing the same sounds, thinking thoughts in the same rhythms and patterns, we experience our connection to each other in a very immediate way,” he writes.

But Lew’s version of the High Holidays is hardly passive or even gentle: Preparing for the holidays, as he suggests in the title, is hard and daunting work. The dreamlike opening sequence describes the “journey” of the High Holiday period as “fraught with meaning and dread.”

Ladon wrote that Lew’s book represents “the possibility of American Judaism, full of vitality and transcending boundaries.” Perhaps because of, or even in spite of this, it was mostly non-Orthodox Jews who replied to my recent social media post asking about their attachment to This Is Real.

“I’m really moved by the way that Lew takes the traditional images of the Holidays — the wake-up call of the shofar, the books of life, death and the undecided, the opening of the gates — and retells them in a way that they speak directly to my personal existential discomfort,” writes Jonah Mendelsohn, an actor and writer who has been reading the book with fellow members of SAJ, a Reconstructionist synagogue in Manhattan. “The book has me facing my own insecurity and self-judgment in a way that isn’t always comfortable, but pushes me to change.”

Karen Paul, a fundraising consultant and former executive director of the Washington, D.C.-based Tikkun Olam Women’s Foundation, says a friend gave her

Deafenbaugh PA-C Kim Pham NP-C

Dr. Gary Moss Dr. Greg Pendell Dr. Craig Koenig Dr. Marguerite Lengkeek

“A Jew can use the practice of meditation to illuminate his or her Jewish soul.”

a copy of the book the year her husband died from glioblastoma.

“Lew’s comforting and relatable stories were precisely the roadmap I needed to begin to reshape my future,” she says. “My favorite parable in the book is the day that the rabbi had to be on one side of the park for a [funeral] and the other side of the park for a birth. This is the dialectic of life, which, if we listen for it, applies to all that we do.”

Rabbi Rachel Barenblatt of the Reform Congregation Beth Israel of the Berkshires in North Adams, Massachusetts, recommends the book for “folks who might not self-identify as seekers, but who are interested in approaching the holidays in a deeper or more informed way.”

“When I first read it, it changed how I experience this two-month window of

time, and I love opening that up for those whom I serve,” she says. “How can we harness this season to fuel our inner work so that we can emerge ready to grow and become and try again?”

But she, like others, notes that This Is Real isn’t without his flaws. She suggests that Lew “had some blind spots, notably around gender.”

(Last year, Jewish blogger Shari Salzhauer Berkowitz criticized his “heterosexual, male” handling of the sexual dynamics in Ki Tetze, the Torah portion that includes instructions for soldiers taking women captives as “wives.”)

The book also has admiring references to Rudy Giuliani — the New York City mayor turned RICO defendant — and Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach — the songwriter who faced posthumous allegations of sexual

misconduct — that read differently than they did 20 years ago.

Barenblatt suggests pairing his book with a “contemporary and feminist text” such as Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg’s recent book On Repentance and Repair.

Lew’s style — he glides between poetry and memoir, allegory and darshanut, or Torah commentary — isn’t for everyone. Many prefer Nobel laureate S.Y. Agnon’s anthology Days of Awe, first published in English in 1948, a collection of mostly primary texts related to the High Holidays. Philip Goodman’s various anthologies for the Jewish Publication Society take a similar approach. The 1999 essay collection, Beginning Anew: A Woman’s Companion to the High Holy Days by Gail Twersky Reimer and Judith A. Kates is a corrective to books that ignore the central place of women in the liturgy.

Many of these books seem intended for readers who are looking for inspiration in synagogue when their attention begins to flag. Lew invites you to read his book as a

coherent narrative of a nearly three-month process from destruction (Tisha B’Av) to joy (Sukkot).

But for some readers, it is also a book to be dipped into and sipped from.

“I have never finished this book,” Pittsburgh Rabbi Mark Asher Goodman admitted last month in a column recommending books for the High Holidays. “I read four or five pages. I stop and ponder over the meaning of existence and God and human growth and obligation and fallibility. Lew is poetic and instructive and guru-esque but also deeply personal; you feel you know him. The book’s title is perfect, and yet the book really will prepare you for the High Holidays, even if you, like me, never actually finish reading it. One might argue that this book, if properly read, is never finished.”

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of JTA or its parent company, 70 Faces Media.

The book’s title is perfect, and yet the book really will prepare you for the High Holidays

Can a toddler really apologize? (And other thoughts on Yom Kippur)

Rachel Seelig

This story originally appeared on Kveller.

Don’t you dare,” I said, just milliseconds before a red matchbox car came catapulting toward my head. I scowled at my two-year-old and gave him a stern finger-waggle. Without hesitating, he trotted over, touched my arm gently and said, “Sorry.”

I should have been pleased, right? But my toddler’s saccharine “sorry” (pronounced “sowwy”) was devoid of remorse. Were he capable of a genuine apology, he probably wouldn’t have thrown the stupid car at me in the first place. I should add that a few minutes later, he launched a yellow matchbox car at my head.

With the approach of Yom Kippur, I find myself pondering that word, “sorry.” As both a Jew and a Canadian, I admit it’s one of the most heavily used words in my lexicon. But what purpose does it really serve? Is it a true expression of remorse? An attempt to get off the hook quickly? A way to avoid confrontation? (We Canadians are particularly adept

at the latter kind of “sorry.”)

Every year on the eve of Yom Kippur, my parents and siblings call one another to make amends for the past year’s transgressions. I always considered this an enlightened tradition, until my husband asked me why we always rehearse the same script, something about “sorry for anything bad I’ve done.” Talk about a catchall apology. “It’s sort of formulaic,” he pointed out. “Do you ever apologize for anything specific? ” I must admit, he has a point. When we make this round of phone calls, are we truly atoning for wrongdoing, or just trying to check teshuva, the cycle of repentance and forgiveness, off the to-do list?

As you may have guessed, my husband has a hard time saying “sorry.” The reason is in part cultural: born and raised in Germany, he bristles at Canadian niceties and

understands guilt as an almost unbearable burden carried on the national level, not as that slightly awkward feeling you get when your great aunt asks why you don’t want a second slice of her kugel. But saying sorry is also difficult for him because sincere apologies should be difficult. They emerge from an onerous process of self-reflection, acknowledgement of failure and heartfelt contrition.

Parenting guru Janet Lansbury sees “sorry” as one of the most difficult things children learn to say because it requires a high level of humility and vulnerability. It’s also loaded with parental expectations. I don’t know any parent who hasn’t asked, cajoled or even forced their child to apologize to the kid whose Lego they swiped or shin they kicked, only to have their child clam up or, even worse, completely fall apart. According to

“Do you ever apologize for anything specific?”

Lansbury, such moments are fueled by our own embarrassment and need to save face among other parents, as opposed to a desire to guide our kids. Without the time required to process their actions, saying “sorry” strikes the child as false, says Lansbury, “and faking emotion does not come naturally to a child.”

If we want our child to issue an honest apology, we need to give them time, and, most importantly, we need to model empathy and remorse. If we trust our children as we should, suggests Lansbury, they will learn to apologize in their own time. And when they do, they will mean it. “By trusting our children to develop authentic social responses, we give them the self-confidence to be the sensitive and deeply caring human beings we hope they will become.”

If we show them this level of compassion, they will undoubtedly return the favor, for what children do more naturally than apologize is forgive.

Lansbury’s take on apologies dovetails with that of the late Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, who saw repentance and forgiveness, the essential ingredients of the Jewish day of atonement, as “the two great gifts of human freedom.” Both are a matter of choice, Sacks insisted, which means they

H ig H H olidays 5784

can’t be forced.

Following anthropologist Ruth Benedict, Sacks distinguished between “shame culture” and “guilt culture,” and ascribed the latter to monotheistic religions like Judaism. Both shame cultures and guilt cultures instruct people how they ought to behave, but they operate very differently. Shame cultures emphasize what others think of you; the motivation for repentance is purely external, fueled by the pressure to avoid public shunning (or “cancel culture,” in today’s parlance). Guilt cultures, by contrast, are fueled by individual conscience, the

in common. Both focus on opportunities to cultivate personal responsibility, kindness, and empathy. The beauty of Yom Kippur is that nobody is exempt.

This is precisely the lesson I’ve decided to impart this year. Rather than coerce my kids to say “sorry” out of an abundance of shame or discomfort, I want to show them that even I must consciously devote time every year to this important — albeit uncomfortable — undertaking. I want them to know that saying “I’m sorry” isn’t easy for me, either.

“inner conversation with the better angels of our nature.”

According to Sacks, guilt serves an indispensable purpose; we must feel guilty to begin to make amends and repair the damage we have done. Yom Kippur provides the time needed to undertake this hefty task. It is not a day for rehearsed apologies but for honest soul-searching.

It turns out the rabbis and parenting experts have much

When I sit down with my five-year-old this Yom Kippur, I will tell him that this is the day when we can talk about mistakes that we’ve made and how we might avoid making them again next year. I will apologize to him for the times that I lost my temper. Perhaps he will reciprocate, perhaps not. The main thing is that he’ll think about it. And he will know that I am thinking about it, too.

As for my two-year-old, the lesson might need to wait another year or two. This Yom Kippur, I think I’ll just hide his matchbox cars in the closet.

FIRST PERSON

Praying for a better future during the High Holidays

Naomi Sedek

As Yom Kippur approaches, many of us in the Jewish community prepare for a day of fasting, prayer, and reflection. But beyond these rituals lies an essential message that intersects profoundly with the work we do at Tidewater Jewish Foundation: the importance of legacy.

Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, is the pinnacle of the Jewish High Holy Days—a time to reconcile with God and our fellow humans. As we stand in synagogue or gather in our homes, recounting the past year’s actions and praying for a better future, we are prompted to think about the legacies we are building. What will remain of our deeds, our words, and our commitments? How are we contributing to our community’s continuity and the world’s betterment?

This focus on legacy is integral to the work of our foundation, where we strive to connect donors with causes that address immediate needs and build a sustainable future for our community. We encourage endowment building, philanthropy education, and community initiatives that ensure the vibrancy and longevity of Jewish life here in Tidewater and around the world.

As you reflect on this Yom Kippur, I invite you to ponder your legacy. Each of us leaves an indelible imprint in ways both large and small. Let’s strive to make that imprint of compassion, service, and enduring love for our rich traditions and global community.

Wishing you an easy fast, and meaningful Yom Kippur.

Temple Israel is an egalitarian, multicultural and multigenerational Conservative synagogue.

We offer in person Shabbat service each week, and daily minyan services on Zoom. We have in person and virtual programs throughout the month, and you can participate in our “Mitzvah of the Month” helping organizations in need.

We are proud of our military families and offer affordable and flexible membership options for those who serve our country. Give us a call for more information.

Dr. Michael E. Panitz, Rabbi

Nancy J. Tucker, Executive Director

Tammy Conklin,

Executive Assistant

7255 Granby Street Norfolk, VA 23505

757-489-4550 www.templeisraelva.org

by Rabbi Israel Zoberman

Naomi Limor Sedek is president and CEO of Tidewater Jewish Foundation. Contact her at nsedek@ tjfva.org, to learn about partnering with TJF.

Sukkot: A perfect time for PomegranateHoney Chicken

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Eitan Altshulerl

One time on my way to Israel, a burly, older security officer asked me to name three Jewish holidays. I decided to show off and name them all in order. So, then he asked me which was my favorite. I guess he expected me to say Passover, Hanukkah, or Rosh Hashanah, but I said, “Sukkot!” Why? I mean how can you not love a holiday where you build a big tent, host parties, and are encouraged to essentially go camping.

In Israel at this time, the weather is perfect to be outdoors – warm in the day and cool in the evening. It is right in between the hot, dry season and the cold, rainy season, and in the shuk, there’s an exciting change over in the produce on display. Avocados, guava, pomegranates, mangos, pumpkin, and sweet potato become in season among other items, and as a result, the creative juices of chefs throughout Israel start to flow again.

One of my favorite recipes is

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pomegranate-honey chicken. It’s easy to make, and it is so good I’m literally sad whenever I fi nish my meal. You might even be tempted to lick your plate. It requires pomegranate molasses, which you can fi nd at almost any grocery store or order online and is not too expensive. Plus, you can use pomegranate molasses for a lot of other Middle Eastern recipes. The rest of the ingredients you may already have in your kitchen like chicken stock, honey, and powdered ginger, etc.

To do the recipe, fi rst you make the sauce and set aside. Then, you brown

your chicken, and then combine the two and set at a simmer on the stove for about 30-45 minutes. Serve over basmati rice or with roasted potatoes, and your guests will think you are a gourmet chef.

I love Sukkot because it is the lightest of all the holidays. You know the saying, “They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.” Well, on Sukkot, we don’t have any of that baggage. Let’s just eat!

And in case you were wondering how the security officer responded to my answer. He said, “Bless you,” as if I had given the secret Jewish password, gave me a pat on the back, and I went on my way.

Sisler, Vice President, Member of Ohef Sholom Temple, Board member of the Berger-Goldrich Home at Beth Sholom Village, James E. Altmeyer, Jr., President, James

Sukkot activities abound in Tidewater

Jewish News staff report

Sukkot begins at sundown on Sept. 29, five days after observing Yom Kippur.

During this Jewish autumn festival, many families, congregations, and schools build a sukkah, a temporary structure with three walls and an organic roof that provides shade and a view of the stars. This shelter reminds of the temporary dwellings built by the Israelites when they were wandering through the desert after their exodus from Egypt. For eight days, the sukkah becomes a temporary home where meals are eaten, and time is spent with family and friends.

Looking for a sukkah or to attend a Sukkot event this season? Here’s how area synagogues (listed alphabetically) are celebrating the holiday this year with events that are open to the community.

B’nai Israel

B’nai Israel Congregation will serve a deluxe kiddush in its sukkah after services throughout the holiday.

The annual Sukkah Hop in Ghent occurs on the fi rst day of Sukkot, Saturday, Sept. 30. A Dedication of the Low Family Playground takes place on Monday, Oct. 2 and will feature kids’ activities, a bounce house, and refreshments in the sukkah. Contact B’nai Israel Congregation at office@bnaiisrael.org.

Beach Community Shul

Beach Community Shul’s sukkah will be open throughout the holiday. “Big Fancy Dinner” takes place on Friday, Sept. 29, at 7 pm at 3400 Holly Road in Virginia Beach.

A community-wide event takes place Tuesday, Oct. 3 at the home of Naty and Nir Chorev, featuring entertainment for all.

Young Professionals in the sukkah on Wednesday, Oct. 4 and Thursday, Oct. 5 at 7 pm, at Beach Community Shul. For all events, RSVP at www.JewishVB.org.

Chabad

Chabad will host holiday meals for the community on Friday night, Saturday, Saturday night and Sunday, starting September 29; Sunday lunch will include members of the Jewish community from Harbors Edge.

CTeen and their families are invited for dinner and a program on Sunday, Oct. 1. A child-oriented, community dance party with snacks in the sukkah will be held on Wednesday, Oct.4.

A steak and scotch event for adults takes place on Thursday, Oct. 5. Call Chabad at 757-616-0770 for more information.

Congregation Beth El

Open House Sukkah Decorating Party takes place on Thursday, Sept. 28, 4 - 7 pm. Shabbat dinner will be served in the sukkah on Friday, Sept. 29.

A Kiddush luncheon in the sukkah will follow services on Saturday, Sept. 30 and Sunday, Oct. 1.

The weekly Lunch and Learn will be in the sukkah on Wednesday, Oct. 4. RSVP for the Shabbat dinner to noelle@ bethelnorfolk.com.411

Kempsville Conservative Synagogue (KBH)

A festive, seated, kiddush luncheon will be served in the sukkah following services on the first two days of Sukkot, Saturday, Sept. 30 and Sunday, Oct. 1. Call 757-495-8510 for more information.

Maimonides Health Center, formerly known as Beth Sholom Village

Sukkot will be celebrated on Monday, Oct. 2 at 2:30 pm. This event is open to residents and their families.

Ohef Sholom Temple

Kiddush will take place in the sukkah following Shabbat services on Friday, Sept. 29.

Men’s Club and Sisterhood will sponsor Shake It in the Sukkah on Wednesday, Oct. 4 at 6 pm, where mocktails and cocktails related to Sukkot will be “shaken” for adults 18 and older.

Reservations are required for both events. Call the office at 757-425-6295.

Temple Emanuel

Sukkot first Day - Saturday, Sept. 30, kiddush will take place in the sukkah after services.

Burgers & Brews in the SukkahWednesday, Oct. 4, 6 pm. RSVP to 757-428-2591.

Temple Israel

Shabbat dinner cookout in the sukkah on Friday, Sept. 29.

Kiddush lunch in the sukkah will follow services on Saturday, Sept. 30 and Sunday, Oct. 1.

RSVP to the Shabbat cookout by calling 757-489-4550.

What should we eat after Yom Kippur?

Eitan Altshuler

So, what does Yom Kippur have to do with food?!

Well, absolutely nothing… Like literally nothing. Not even water.

But we are all familiar with the challenge of what to eat after the holiday to break the fast. It should be something easy and fast, perhaps even prepared ahead of time so that people don’t have to fast any longer than necessary.

Usually, people just break out the bagels and lox, which are delicious especially after having fasted, but if you want something different this year and just as tasty or more, I suggest trying burekas.

Burekas are the “go to” pastries of Israel. They are popularly fi lled with a soft cheese or potato (if you need something pareve) fi lling, but they also come in spinach, pizza, mushroom, and eggplant varieties, etc. At my bakery in Herzliya, they were our most popular item, and we would sell them by the kilogram. People would buy

boxes and boxes as they got ready for Shabbat on Fridays.

If you don’t buy them pre-made, here’s how to start.

Get pastry dough from any grocery store. Use a rolling pin to fl atten out the dough (some extra flour on the side so it doesn’t stick helps), and then cut out squares in the dough. Put a dab of fi lling in each one, careful not to put too much, or they will burst. Then, fold over each shape into either a rectangle or a triangle.

They can be baked frozen, though a little thawing helps with putting on the egg wash, and a sprinkling of sesame seeds on top is recommended. They will only take about 10-15 minutes depending on your oven, but most importantly, keep an eye on them. Also, turn the tray around halfway through the baking so that the burekas bake evenly.

They’re best when they are about five minutes out of the oven so that they have had time to cool down, the pastry shell is fresh, and the insides are still warm. But they can be reheated and refreshed even if they have been

kept in the fridge and don’t look so appealing anymore. Don’t worry, once they are reheated in an oven, they will look almost as good as new, and many won’t even be able to tell the difference. You can even reheat them in the microwave, and while not ideal, surprisingly not all that bad either.

Everyone loves something warm and fl avorful after a fast. They’re also lighter but still have good calorie content for sensitive stomachs after a fast. And these things can be addictive, so it’s easy to eat a whole bunch at once.

Before I moved to Israel, I always wondered what to say to someone before Yom Kippur. “Chag Sameach?” Seems a bit inappropriate. “May you have a good signing?” – a bit wordy. Well, I learned it’s “Chatimah Tovah!”

May you all have a “good signing.”

Eitan Altshuler may be reached most days at the Cardo Café/ The Humusiya at the Sandler Family Campus, where he’s serving up a variety of Israeli dishes. . . and American ones, too.