COLUMNIST – KATHY CLUGSTON The Hair and Now

Kathy Clugston

Kathy Clugston is a freelance radio presenter. She chairs the long-running BBC Radio 4 programme ‘Gardeners’ Question Time’ and presents the weekly entertainment show ‘The Ticket’ on BBC Radio Ulster.

THE HAIR AND NOW

This month, Kathy Clugston discusses how she longs for a trip to the hairdressers after lockdown.

I wonder if, during this last chaotic year, you’ve managed to experience any personal growth? I don’t think I have. I did some voluntary work during Lockdown #1, but seem to have dedicated myself ever since to languor, lassitude and generally being fedup. But one thing that has grown is my hair. 2020 saw my hairdo mutate from a pixie cut - a variation of which I’ve sported for almost my entire life - into a voluminous unruly hedge. As some of you will know, a really short style only lasts about 3 weeks before it starts to feel unbearably overgrown, so it’s a miracle that, despite the numerous tutorials on social media, I managed to resist setting about my own head with a pair of nail scissors or, more drastic still, clippers. (If you’re ever bored and need a laugh, search for ‘home haircuts gone wrong’ on YouTube. Hilarious.) For the first time ever, I left it untouched. I landed a serendipitous appointment in December, when salons flung open their doors with glee only to find they had to shut them again one week later. My stoic coiffeuse Jane, delighted to be able to take a break from calling clients to rearrange their appointments and actually cut some hair, skilfully removed the mullet-y bits at the back, leaving me “well on the way to a short bob”. It’s a journey, Jane says.

All this tucking of sides and flicking of fringe is new to me; my hair hasn’t been below my ears in about 30 years. I’ve never been able to grow it. My hairdresser throughout my childhood was a man on the Saintfield Road who was not very affectionately known as ‘The Butcher’. I wasn’t so much trimmed as shorn. I’m sure that’s what set me off on a lifetime of really only feeling ‘like myself’ with barely-there hair. I used to see a hairdresser more often than members of my own family. I loved the whole experience: the scalp-pummelling, the fluffy towels, the scissors snip-snipping while I flicked through trashy magazines (I don’t mean this one, obviously). I felt the same way about having my hair done as I think other women feel about buying shoes. I don’t care about shoes, I just wear trainers with everything, but I have drawers full of gels, styling creams and waxes.

Having my hair cut was my ultimate mood boost. I’d have gone every week if my hair would only keep up. My old hairdresser in Belfast, before I moved to London 18 years ago, was fantastic. If I turned up only a few weeks after my last appointment looking spotty and sobbing “It just won’t DO anything!”, he knew it was basically a hormonal episode. He’d make a few wellplaced snips here and there and charge me for a gent’s trim. (Side note: how much cheaper it is to be a man: haircuts, razors, deodorants, dry cleaning…)

I cheated on that nice hairdresser several times. I am not proud of this. Once I dallied with a rival snipper when his salon was closed for a few days for refurbishment, an unforgivable betrayal which he forgave, and fixed me. Another time, I’d looked at a colleague’s great hair and coveted it - even though it was blonde, shoulder-length, curly and would never be mine - and went to her hairdresser, who gave me a hideous asymmetric fringe, which I fully deserved. While I lived In London, a similar cycle ensued. I flip-flopped between eye-wateringly expensive West End salons and cheap-aschips barbers, never quite finding ‘The One’. Having my hair cut was an addiction I kept feeding. And when I moved back to Belfast it would probably have continued thus but for COVID-19 and our beleaguered hairdressers having to close their doors for the best part of a year. There’s no up side for them, but for me, being physically unable to enter a salon was what made me go cold turkey.

I’m looking forward to seeing Jane again, whenever that may be, for the next leg of our hair adventure. And to all the many hairdressers in Northern Ireland who might have enjoyed the frequent custom of Old Me, I can only apologise and wish you bulging appointment books as you fix all those home haircuts.

Illustration by Jacky Sheridan

THIS MONTH’S OBSESSIONS:

Let’s Do It: The Authorised Biography of Victoria Wood by Jasper Rees Meticulously researched and fascinating insight into the work and personality of one of the greatest comedy writers and performers of all time. Cauliflower and butter bean mash - Steam the florets of a head of cauliflower in a little water until tender, then use a stick blender to mash with 2 tins of butter beans, salt, pepper and some grated cheese. Healthy comfort food. Bunga Bunga - Remember those infamous Italian sex parties? This American podcast, hosted by comedian Whitney Cummings, charts the rise and fall (innuendo intended) of the former multi-millionaire Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. An unexpectedly entertaining listen.