IN PURSUIT OF A MAN

Rosemary Mac Cabe was always a serial monogamist – never happier than when she was in a relationship or, at the very least, on the way to being in one. But in her desperate search for ‘the one’ – from first love to first lust, through a series of disappointments and the searing sting of heartbreak – she learned that finding love might mean losing herself along the way. Her memoir, This Is Not About You, is a life story in a series of love stories, and through humorous anecdotes imbued with her brilliant signature wit, she explores just how much she was willing to sacrifice for her happy ending.

Below, Rosemary shares the top eight lessons she’s learned from two decades of desperately, determinedly and doggedly pursuing the love of a man.

This much I’ve learned…

1. This is not the best use of your time

Love, connection, affection, physical touch – they are all, arguably, vital, essential, affirming parts of human existence. But they are not all that there is, and they are not exclusively available in the arms of a romantic partner. There are myriad ways to explore and enjoy this one wild and precious life we’re given, a wisdom I would give anything to be able to impart on my younger self. Just think of all the things I could have done with all that time I wasted on ungrateful – and frankly, undeserving – men.

2. Give unto others…

Sure, as you would like them to give unto you, but also: no more than they are willing to give to you. Don’t bestow a single blow job upon the partner who ‘just can’t seem to enjoy’ giving head in return. A relationship is about an equal give and take; it’s not about one partner giving while the other one takes.

3. Generosity is not always about money

There are plenty of ‘rules’ about who pays for what, and why – but forget about money, because the worst person in the world is the person who is miserly not with their wallet but with their time, affection and kindness. The least you can expect from someone you love, and who purports to love you in return, is that they will fill, rather than empty, your cup; that, after you spend time with them, you feel more, rather than less. These things may be free, but they are more valuable than a lifetime of free dinners.

4. A puppy is an excellent prop to bring to a negotiation

Everyone loves puppies! And if they don’t love puppies, they’re not worth your time.

5. Pay attention to your partner’s priorities

If, for example, they never have enough money to go to the cinema, or to take you for lunch, but decide to take up sky-diving (an objectively expensive hobby), there is a clear message being relayed, and it is not ‘I love you the way you deserve to be loved’.

6. You deserve to be loved

Yes, you – you. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be loved when you are depressed and you deserve to be loved when you are angry and you deserve to be loved in your pyjamas, eating ice cream straight from the tub, and you deserve to be loved in whatever way you are able to show up, on any given day. On every given day. You deserve to be loved.

7. Do not take the blame for someone else’s mistakes

After all, the only person whose actions we can control is ourselves –and maybe a tiny baby, for a very short period of their lives, and even then there’s an unpredictability about it all that is quite unrelaxing.

Seriously, though: don’t apologise if someone stands you up, then asks why you didn’t call to make sure they were on their way; don’t accept it if you are told that your behaviour drove their jealousy, or their aggression (or both); don’t allow yourself to feel guilt or shame for someone else’s choices.

8. Sex doesn’t end with the male orgasm

Share this one with all your friends. Tell your daughters and your little sisters and your friends’ daughters and their little sisters, too. But before you do any of that, tell your sons. They’ll thank you when they’re older.