Perspectives on Childhood, Education, and Parenting
What Constitutes Success for a Child “At the core we all really want the same thing for our (children). We want them to live a good life, to have deep, life-sustaining connections, to feel the joy of living a life of meaning, and to leave this world a little better than they found it.” —Jennifer Breheny Wallace from “Never Enough: When The Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic and What We Can Do About It. By Tom Northrup
T
he last edition of Country ZEST featured a conversation Mike Wipfler, a former colleague, and I had about Jennifer Breheny Wallace’s book, “Never Enough.” Mike, a father of two, explained Wallace’s Mike Wipfler and concerns that many Tom Northrup parents believe it’s their responsibility to ensure that their child is a “success,” which many mistakenly think means acceptance to a highly competitive college. Despite this good intention, this overemphasis on linking a child’s self worth and identity to performance is having unintended and negative consequences–major increases in adolescent anxiety disorders and depression. I felt it would be valuable for us to continue the conversation. Tom: In your opinion, what is the most important piece of advice Wallace offers? Mike: Without
question, it’s her conviction that children need to feel they “matter”--especially during the middle and high school years…Wallace defines mattering as “the feeling that (you) are valued and add value to others.” To feel like you matter, you need to have people in your life who care about you as a person beyond your grades, sports ability, appearance, or popularity; people who will check on you if you are ill, are interested in your thoughts and opinions, and will celebrate with you in moments of triumph. You also need to feel like people rely on you; that you play a meaningful role in your family and school. Children who feel they matter recognize their inherent worth, and have “a protective shield buffering against stress, anxiety, depression, and loneliness.” Tom: So what does Wallace recommend? Mike: Many of her suggestions resonated with me. One was a reminder to be explicit with your children: make sure they know your love for them is unconditional and not dependent on performance or achievements. While you might think your children already know this, don’t be so sure. In a survey Wallace conducted of 500 students, more than 50 percent said their parents loved them more when they were more successful, with 25
percent saying they believed this “a lot,” the highest degree the survey allowed. As Wallace noted, “The consequences of associating love with achievement can last far beyond childhood. It can set our children up for a lifelong pattern of accepting themselves only with strings attached. I’ll be worthy when I get straight A’s, lose ten pounds.” Another piece of advice was to make sure your children are doing chores around the house. Polls show significantly fewer children today are doing chores than in previous generations, often because parents would rather have their children spend time studying or practicing than helping around the house. One mother told Wallace, “I’d rather my daughter know Mandarin than how to make her bed.” Wallace believes this well-intentioned act is a big mistake, giving children permission to think only of themselves instead of learning how to make meaningful contributions to their community. Tom: One of the 18th century English philosopher Samuel Johnson’s kernels of wisdom was something like—“we don’t need to be taught so much as we need to be reminded.” Like these Wallace’s reminders–– simple to understand, but not easy to execute for any of us.
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MIDDLEBURG SUSTAINABILITY COMMITTEE| Winter 2024
