Perspectives on Childhood, Education, and Parenting A CONVERSATION ON THE PRESSURE OF GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Perspectives on Childhood, Education, and Parenting A CONVERSATION ON THE PRESSURE OF GREAT EXPECTATIONS

By Tom Northrup

“So what fosters the growth of roots and wings.. (in our children)..at its core lie three quintessential necessities–nurture, structure, and latitude: love and acceptance, expectations, and limits, support for autonomy and the freedom to learn from experience” From Family Matters (2004) by Robert Evans

A few weeks ago, Mike Wipfler, a former colleague, friend, and parent of two young children asked me if I had read Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic—and What We Can Do About It (2023) by Jennifer Breheny Wallace.  I hadn’t heard of the book or the author.  Mike felt as if the book had a lot to offer so I asked him to join me in a conversation to discuss its merits.  This conversational format is different from my usual columns, but I hope it is helpful and offers a valuable perspective for our readers.

Mike Wipfler and Tom Northrup were Hill School colleagues.

Tom: Mike, it is always good to see you, and I appreciate your recommending this book.  I recall that one of my first articles over four decades ago was a review of David Elkind’s The Hurried Child (1981).  Even then, Elkind was concerned about the loss of free play for children and that their lives were being overly managed and directed by adults.  The downside of this development was a loss of autonomy and independence for many children whose parents were not offering them the latitude to solve their own problems–either social or academic.  Is this a concern that Jennifer Wallace addresses

Mike: Yes, absolutely. Jennifer Wallace notes that many modern parents feel that it is their responsibility to make sure that their child is a “success”---which many parents believe is dependent upon their child’s acceptance to a selective college. But admissions into these top-tier schools is far more competitive than it used to be, with admission rates in some schools as low as 10%, and some reject more high school valedictorians than they accept!

Tom: Jennifer Wallace has young children herself–correct?

Mike: Yes, she is the mother of three teenage children living in New York City, so she is very aware of the stresses parents feel. In her book she shares a funny story about enrolling her Lego-loving sixth grade son in an evening architecture class for much older students - an effort to find and nurture his “spike,” the interest or ability that would make him stand out from others. Upon learning of his mother’s efforts, her son William replied: “Mom, I love architecture - please don’t ruin it for me.”

Tom: Wow–love William’s response and his mother’s humility in disclosing her misstep.

Robert Evans in his 2004 book noted that many parents were trying ‘to prepare the path for their child rather than prepare the child for the path’.  I really liked that observation and found a lot of truth in it.  Being a parent is a humbling experience, and I know of no one who believes that they get it right all the time.

Returning to the topic of college admissions pressure on children and parents, what does Wallace have to say about this?

Mike: She notes that despite parents’ best intentions, the focus on college admissions is having a really negative impact on many adolescents’ mental health. Some high schoolers feel unrelenting pressure to be perfect and feel as if their self-worth is inextricably linked to their performance (grades, standings, and acceptances). These unintended consequences are causing huge spikes in adolescent anxiety disorders and depression.

Tom: So, Mike, as a parent of two elementary age children, do you feel any of the same pressures that are influencing these parents of older children?

Mike: To some extent, yes. Cristin and I feel as if it is part of our ‘job description’ as parents to help our children reach their potential. But Never Enough provided us with an alternative roadmap - one that will, we hope, bypass some of the accidents that can occur in the journey to college (or at least allow us to drive in a car with the best airbags and safety devices) so that we can reach our destination - having our children reach adulthood with the skills and values that will lead to lifelong fulfillment.

Tom: I would like to continue this conversation in the next issue of Zest to hear more about Jennifer Wallace’s observations and recommendations on the current challenges with which families are dealing.

While I believe that David Elkind and Robert Evans offer a valuable perspective and framework to guide parents in balancing children’s need for adult directed structure and limits with the importance of extending them opportunities for independent decision making, it seems to me that the issues today’s families  are confronting are more complex than those of twenty or forty years ago.

Is it okay with you if we continue this conversation in the next issue of “Country ZEST?”

Mike:  Sure – I would enjoy that.

Tom Northrup was a long-time Head of Hill School. Mike Wipfler was a teacher, coach, and administrator at The Hill School from 2001 to 2020. He still lives in Middleburg but is now the co-director of Kingswood Camp, a residential boys summer camp in New Hampshire.