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Be There For Your Child, But Not Too Quickly
Perspectives on Childhood, Education, and Parenting
Be There For Your Child, But Not Too Quickly
By Tom Northrup
“The foolishness of over-protection is apparent as soon as you understand the concept of anti-fragility. Given that risks and stressors are natural, unavoidable parts of life, parents and teachers should be helping (children) develop their innate abilities to grow and learn from such experiences.”
– From The Coddling of the American Mind, (2018) by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt
About a decade ago, my younger son gave me a book at Christmas by Nassim Nicholas Taleb called “Antifragile: Things that Gain from Disorder.”
After unwrapping the gift, I recall thinking how thoughtful of him. Antifragile would likely offer me some new and valuable perspectives.
In my last two ZEST columns, Mike Wipfler, a friend, former colleague, and the father of two young children, has joined me for a conversation. Mike is in the trenches raising children and directing a summer camp.
To recap the recent columns, we discussed Jennifer Breheny Wallace’s ‘Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic and What We Can Do About It.” Wallace’s counsel: parents and schools need to make sure that children feel like they truly “matter,” that at their core the adults in their lives love and care about them without “achievement related” strings attached (e.g. admission to a highly competitive college or making the varsity basketball team). She also emphasizes the importance for children to have meaningful responsibilities both in their home and at school.
Tom: I know we both think that Lukianoff’s and Haidt’s book is excellent—although a better title would be “The Overprotecting” (rather than The Coddling) of the American Mind. The authors make a compelling case that many well-intended parents are unknowingly and unfortunately harming their children’s development by being overly involved in directing their child’s life.
Before reading the book, I hadn’t heard of children being described as “antifragile.” How about you?
Mike: No, I’d never heard the term before, but I hope it finds its way into the lexicon of parents and educators. In my opinion, it’s every bit as important as Carol Dweck’s “growth mindset,” a concept that’s been helpful to parents and teachers in understanding how to motivate children.
Lukianoff and Haidt explain that when Taleb refers to children as “antifragile,” he’s putting children’s emotional coping system in the same category as other bodily systems (such as our immune or our muscular systems). Those are complex systems that “require stressors and challenges in order to learn, adapt, and grow.”
Taleb believes it’s a mistake to treat children as if they’re fragile and in need of constant protection and safe handling. He argues that overprotective parents mean well, but by shielding their children from discomfort or by solving problems on their behalf, they’re depriving them of the opportunity to develop and strengthen their ability to solve problems on their own.
Instead, he reminds parents their children are by nature “antifragile” and need to deal with age-appropriate doses of stress, disappointment, and discomfort to grow more resilient. When children handle and overcome these difficulties (with measured levels of parental support, primarily listening), they become more confident and independent— essential qualities for both childhood and adulthood.
Tom: Can you give some examples of “stressors”-- challenges that 12-year-old children should deal with on their own, where parents are sometimes and unnecessarily inserting themselves?
Mike: Sure. Broadly speaking, 12-year-olds should be given the latitude to manage the normal, expected trials and tribulations of middle schoolers, like disagreements or a falling out with an important friend; mediocre academic performance or disappointment in not being cast for a desired role in a play.
Tom: No question that today’s parents and teachers can and will relate.
When I began teaching over a half-century ago, parents were much more laissez-faire and uninvolved in trying to manage these situations. By and large most parents trusted their children could work through these social and school issues. And, as I reflect on this, their lack of involvement served their children who are now in their 60s and 70s quite well.
I don’t want to sound as if everything was perfect in the “olden days.” I assure you they weren’t, but the challenges were different. That’s the subject for another column.
So how would you say the ideas presented in “Never Enough” and “The Coddling of the American Mind” are similar? And, are they helpful as a parent and educator now?
Mike: Both books explore the ways in which well intentioned parents are intervening in their children’s lives in ways that are detrimental to their children’s healthy development.
I found them helpful. They gave me fresh insight and some valuable reminders. Stepping back when my children are struggling with the routine bumps of growing up is not always easy for me or any parent. But, a better mindset is to embrace these situations to observe how our children respond—less “clearing the path” for them. Giving them the opportunity to build their coping muscles is far better lifetime preparation.
Tom: Thanks, Mike. Well said. One of the principles I’ve found valuable as a parent and an educator is “always be there for your child, but not too quickly.” Taking the time to observe, listen, and reflect before jumping in is usually a good idea.
