FAMILY LIFE

...AFTER PRESSING PAUSE

AS I WRITE THIS PIECE, COVID NEW CASES ARE THANKFULLY STEADILY DECREASING, GIVING US CAUTIOUS HOPE OF A SLOW RETURN TO LIFE AS WE KNOW IT, OR RATHER KNEW IT BEFORE MARCH 2020. AS A PSYCHOTHERAPIST MANY HAVE EXPRESSED THAT THEY CAN’T WAIT TO RESUME THEIR DAILY BUSINESS PRE-COVID, AS IF THE PANDEMIC WAS BUT A SPEED BUMP IN THEIR ROUTINE. OTHERS HAVE EXPERIENCED PERSONAL TSUNAMIS WHEN HIT BY DEBILITATING HEALTH ISSUES OR EVEN THE LOSS OF LOVED ONES BROUGHT ON BY COVID.

For many of us thinking about the transition to ‘normalcy’ after Covid has sparked anxiety, as what used to happen mindlessly and daily, suddenly sounds daunting. Some have voiced preoccupation about the awkwardness of reacclimating to being at the office or restarting their social life. May I encourage people feeling this way to voice this, as shame and inadequacy force these underground. I’m sure that many around you are feeling this way too. There is a sense that life is not a mere continuation after pressing ‘pause’, rather wishing for a ‘reset’ button. I have heard difficult conversations about which relationships to pursue and which to let go of. Who are the people that add value to your life? How will you see more of them and less of those who just drain the energy out of you?

What has the pandemic done to our intimate relationships? Lately I have taken to asking clients what their experience of living through Covid has been like, and what they learnt about themselves as a couple or as parents. Most have of course spoken about missing loved ones and friends, and the humble realisation that no man is an island. I then usually invite them to dig a bit deeper and think about their relationships with those they live under the same roof with, usually partners and children. Many acknowledged the strain, but also relished the slower pace with less activities to be at, as an opportunity to reconnect and spend time together. This served as an invitation to reconsider priorities once life is in full swing.

Others have faced a more complex reality, reporting that the cracks in their relationship where even more apparent once most release valves such as those of office life, going to the gym or friendship circles were set aside by force of circumstances. It is quite scary to realise that your marriage is in trouble. Home is no longer the safe space one returns to but a battlefield where lot of the problems that had existed pre-pandemic, such as feelings of distance and communication issues became amplified. Sadly, couples often get stuck in destructive dynamics they play on a loop. One feels they know all too well what is going on, often blaming the other. One of the unacknowledged ingredients of a happy marriage or relationship is curiosity. It invites us to look at ourselves, our partners, the whole of our relationship with a new interest. What is it that you are not noticing? What would your partner need you to understand about them? When I ask such questions in the therapy many fall silent. All too often we are very skilled at verbalising our needs and the others’ shortcomings, without ever thinking about the other person. If you don’t know the answer ask the question and listen with openness to the reply. Have a different conversation.

Finally, I want to mention the unsung heros of this pandemic – our children. We have lots to pick up from the younger ones around us. Paradoxically despite the physical separateness it has forced us into, the pandemic has only but made more obvious that we are all connected and that we need each other, calling for mutual care, support, and tolerance. Our children have showed us just how to do that. They have taken on to wearing masks for hours on end at school, complying with rules without complaining and getting on with it. They showed endless creativity in connecting with friends online and nurturing friendships in their own way. Whilst in no way minimising their distress, children have been able to adjust to what was required of them with generosity. They have certainly a lot to teach us about adaptability and taking care of each other.

Find a quiet moment, settle down for a bit and visualise yourself and your relationships six months from now. What picture would you like to see? Once you press your personal ‘pause’ button what needs to change for you to get there? The journey begins now.

KAREN BISHOP is a Systemic Family Psychotherapist. She works in private practice and is Director of the Institute of

Family Therapy – Malta (IFT-Malta) www.ift-malta.com, a privately run institute at the forefront of training in Psychotherapy.