Normality or Revolution?

Women and discrimination - Local Life

An inside view of the female condition in the Roma Community

by Laura De Cesare

Meeting another woman, listening to her story, her values and her traditions gave me the chance to understand which position I have as a woman in the world and how the other women are living their lives in a completely different way to mine. I can say how lucky I am, but also I can understand that only one meaning of luck doesn’t exist. Thanks, Georgia, for changing my perspective, opening my mind, and also allowing me to realize that every woman starts a fight to reclaim herself in a moment of her life.

The topic we chose for the magazine is “Privilege”, and since we took that decision I started to think about this word and reflect. The questions that came in my mind were different: What does it mean for me to have privileges as a young woman? Do people from other countries have different privileges? Do women from other countries have different privileges?

Days pass by as normal and we never stop to think about it. We don’t realize that maybe we are lucky, we are free, we have privilege just because we live in a different country, we have the support of our family for our choice or simply because we go out with friends to drink a beer or just for a walk.

Now that I’m living in Greece, I had the chance to meet a lot of new realities, including the one of the Roma community. The first impact in Dendropotamos (the Roma community’s neighborhood) was very strong and soon showed me the differences between men and women. Even if it’s a neighborhood close to the city center, it seems like you are in another city.

That’s why I decided to meet a girl from there, Georgia. She is the first woman to be a role model for the community: she helped women to understand that they can live in a different way outside this very traditional and stereotypical pattern, that they have the chance to choose by themself which type of life they want to live. Unfortunately, not all of them perceived what she did in a positive way, looking at her as a threat or an example to avoid.

It was an amazing conversation with two young women, from different countries, with different traditions and different lives, but with something in common: being a woman!

Being a woman means, in most situations, being unprivileged. Unprivileged in rights, unprivileged in the workplace, unprivileged in traditions. Every day and in every part of the world, a woman is fighting for her rights, to claim her position in the world, to change deep-rooted traditions and to break the rules that see her as the main character without privileges.

“Living together means that one helps the other, so the change becomes easier. Roma are heavily marginalized in society, which means that further they are from the city, the easiest is to be a close community because you protect your community by keeping your traditions. This impressed me a lot because of how difficult it was for me even though I have friends, not Roma, and I had chosen my life outside my community, and at last, I came back because this tradition is so deep in me. Even now that I’m a single mother, I have my job, and I’m independent, I have to admit that it is difficult for me to continue my life with someone else because I’m a mother in the Roma community.”

© https://greekreporter. com/2022/04/08/roma-people-greece/

What is the condition of the women in this community? What was in the past, and how has it changed now?

First, it is a close community that still retains many traditional characteristics. It could be compared to a small village in the ‘50.

The purpose of women is to get married, preferably at the age of eighteen, give birth, take care of the house, and raise children. Furthermore, a woman has to be a virgin when she marries. I grew up with this “law”, with the idea that when I would have sex with someone after, as I had to marry him. The virginity of the girl is not only her pride or her ethic but is also the pride and the ethic of the man who will marry her and of all the family, especially the father. He can say: “I raised a girl with ethics, so I am a good family man if I give a daughter virgin to her husband”. Virginity is also the husband’s pride because it means she will never have sex with another man except him. Virginity means “You possess me”.

What could happen if a woman has sex with someone before marriage?

Today, some girls have sex before their wedding, but they are stigmatized badly. Sexual freedom in the Roma community could happen after the first divorce because if you were married, it means that you are no longer a virgin. So if you remarry, no one expects you to provide proof. For this reason, you are “free to live your sexuality”. Otherwise, if they discover you have a boyfriend, you lose your freedom.

I didn’t have a legal marriage, but I had the traditional one because it was so clear for me, for him and our family, that once we had sex, he was my husband and I was his wife.

Even if I was not ready to get married, even if I was at university, I had to follow all the traditional ways.

Does the father have to find a husband for her daughter?

In my community now, not anymore. There are cases, but in general, no. In other more traditional communities, they arrange marriage at a younger age, for example, at 5 years old or sometimes when women are pregnant. The mother of the boy could also bring a jewel for the baby girl’s birth because they are engaged from that moment.

After marriage, could women work or go to school?

Here come all the problems. Fifteen years ago, it was more difficult for a woman when she got married to go to work. Now, you could decide for yourself, but you should take into account the world around you (your mother, your father, your grandmother).

I was lucky because I had the support of all my family, not only from my mum but also from my father, who is more open-minded than other men in the community. So I think it is a privilege to have open-minded and supportive parents.

© https://borgenproject.org/greek-roma/

How did you decide to study and continue your education?

When I was 14, my grandmother decided that was the best age for me to get married and also, there was a young boy (24) from a good family, so it was the best chance for me. I thought I didn’t want to embarrass my family, and I accepted the situation. So I tried to meet this boy, even though I didn’t want to be touched. I wanted to show my family that I tried to respect their rules, but after a year, I felt oppressed and talked with my mother. She also spoke with my father, and they supported me against my grandmother.

For me, it was not something to decide. It was so clear to continue my studies. There was no reason to stop. My husband understood that if I could choose between university and him, I would surely choose the university. My mother was supportive and, in a way, my mother-in-law because she saw that I was determined and told her son that if he wanted me, he had to let me continue studying.

I felt more powerful when I returned to university as a postgraduate student. After graduating in 2012, I decided to take care of my family, but I understood that I would do something more. That’s why I decided to return to university because, until now, it was the place where I could breathe and find myself. I knew that I could do it like many women, even if I had a family. I tried to pass the exam three times, but the year before entering university, I was passing a very bad period. I was trying to find my balance: I was living away from the university, I was living far from my friends that were doing different things, I was more focused on my family, I was more focused on my own life, I was more close to people that were thinking traditionally, I was more affected in tradition, and I was thinking to have a second child. So I had to choose between a second child or a master’s degree. My husband encouraged me to try the exam but, at the same time, tried to convince me to extend our family, even if we were fighting a lot during this period. He and his mother thought that a new baby could solve our problems. Coming back to university could mean that everything could become worse. But I continued on my way, and now I also have a master’s degree.

Roma community’s woman

What is the role of the older women, the grandmothers?

In the Roma community, women have no power at all until their son gets married. From this moment, a matriarchy starts because she is the woman who gave birth to the family’s lord. It’s like the Ottoman times: the king’s mother is the kingdom’s most powerful woman, and you should obey.

The grandfather is a respective person in the society but is not the head of the family anymore because his son is the new king. So he doesn’t take decisions anymore, his son makes them.

The interesting paradox is that the patriarchy comes from women. It’s what we call internalized patriarchy. It means that this is how things have been done in life. If you are a woman in the Roma community, you have to accept that, at the beginning of your life, the father decides everything for you. Then, at some point, you be- come a mother and your son, when he will be the head of the family, you will have the power.

How is the reaction of a woman that has only daughters?

From my experience, a mother stuck in tradition, even if she has a girl or a boy, will destroy their lives because they will be unhappy due to the fact that they could not have a choice by themself. The only way for children is to follow the law of traditions. They love their children, but it is a toxic, deformed way of love.

Parents beat their children if they don’t follow the elders’ words. For them, sons could be happy only if they obeyed the community’s traditions and rules.

Group of Roma community’s women with Urania (our mentor)

If you were born as a woman, does it mean you will be unhappy?

In a way yes, in another way, you can feel extremely lucky. Maybe you feel happy just because you don’t know what happiness is. It depends on the concept of happiness for you: if you were born in this type of community and, so, in this type of mindset, this is the type of happiness for you. You can not imagine something different because you are being born as a child, you know your role in life, that’s why you are happy if you follow your role.

For example, you couldn’t dream of becoming a teacher because girls don’t study. This is something that I used to listen to my grandmother. When I was reading at school, she always told me: “You are reading again. What do you want to become? A teacher?”. That’s because at the age of 14 or 15 you have to be married, all of my friends were. But after 6 years, when my sister went to university and had to pass her exams, the same woman (my grandmother) tried to help her study.

You decided to separate from your husband. What was the reaction of your family and your community?

Yes, it was my decision, and I had the support of my family because they saw that I took the choice for serious reasons. They could say: “ok, you should not get divorced, because you will embarrass us. Furthermore, you are a woman, you are a single woman with a child, and what would people say?”. They never said anything like that; instead, they were very supportive, helped me, tried to give all the good examples, and supported me to continue my life and be happy.

Not everyone can react in the same way. There are parents that can say: “This is your husband for life!”. There are cases where a woman is beaten, and if she goes to his father saying that she is mistreated and abused and wants to get out of the marriage, the father can answer: “No, it’s your husband, you should keep the family”. The father could discuss with the man by asking him what he is doing with his wife, suggesting him to stop, but he couldn’t support his girl becoming a single mother. Or even, in the best case that the father agrees with the divorce, he will be very restrictive and soon find another husband for her.

Once a woman has children, she should focus on her children and never get married again.

Sometimes I was accused, especially by my husband, of putting myself and my career before my family, but I was trying to prove to all and to myself that I could combine everything. I can keep the traditional values and the traditional way of life, and at the same time, I can do whatever I want and be a modern Roman woman.

Fortunately, half of my community supports me to continue my life as a single mother. This could be considered a privilege because no one accepted such a decision a dozen years ago. So things are changing, and when they see a woman with the ability and strength to continue her life and be economically independent and respect the values that she gained from her family, they support her.

It’s kind of a revolution in your life and in your family, isn’t it?

For me, it was something normal, maybe for the community, yes, it’s a revolution.

I don’t feel like a revolutionary. I think that it was just me!