14 minute read
Infinite Genders
by Livia Kallmeyer
Three insights by trans people about their trans Body and Gender experience in this society.
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So what are genders? What do they mean, and how does it feel to not fit in traditional boxes? For sure there is still a lot of work to do to stop discrimination against those who don’t fit in and break the norms and standards of our society. So let’s find out how cis-people can be more supportive and real allies and see how this gender debate can actually help everyone.
To understand trans people we have to first understand, that our society assigns people a specific gender when they are born because of their biological sex. Meaning depending on which genitals you have (biological sex) society will treat and your parents will probably raise you in a different way. They will raise you with a gender of you in mind. In current western society that means as female or male. Gender is complex and influenced by society and culture. And not specifically determined by ones biological sex.
Now, let’s clarify what trans actually means.
It is an umbrella term for basically every person that doesn´t identify with the gender they were assigned at birth.
I had the honour to talk to 3 amazing people about their relationship with their gender and society as part of the trans community.
Iris, 22 years old, non-binary, they/them
Alex, 21 years old, non-binary, they/them
Mike, 20 years old, transgender man, he/him
Realizing you are trans
Being trans and starting to realize and finding words for the feelings you are having can manifest differently and is not tied to a specific age. People can come out at 14 or 52 and every age before, after or in between. And no matter at which time people come out, they should be taken seriously because, as Mike says, people tend to think that, “If you are a teenager, you are too young to know. And if you are 30/40 years old nah too old for it“
Furthermore, every journey of a person to find out about their gender is just as individual as humans are in general.
Iris, for example, said they heard about non-binary people on their first Pride of Thessaloniki as “In one of our seminars we were talking about gender and sexuality and when I heard about non binary people - that feels so warm, that feels so right to me and it was me.
While Mike shared that he already felt that something was off when they were really young maybe 5 or 6 years old. And later on found his own feelings especially reflected first in the internet, which gave him the words to describe what he feels and then with his trans friends with whom he shares many similar experiences and feelings.
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In general, Alex and Mike explained how important queer communities and especially their queer and trans friends are for them.
Alex: “Apart from finding the words, it’s finding people that are like you and who are maybe older and have transitioned, and seeing that these people exist and have lives and can be happy. It is when you find these people in your area and meet them in real life you realize there is space for you everywhere. That is, I think, really important “
With other trans people, they don’t just have people who understand them in a completely different way, can relate to them and have full acceptance for their gender, but also have more freedom and comfort to discuss and question their own gender. Mike shared: “Friends really help, because we have the opportunity to experiment with ourselves. Like I could ask my friends to use for me they/them pronouns and see how I feel about it or try a lot of different names, because it is a journey to choose my preferred name. “
All three of them talked about how finding out about their gender is a journey. That how they felt about it feels different today than 2 years ago. On the one hand because now they feel more connected to their body and themselves. But especially Alex and Iris talked about their gender in a more fluid way.
For example was Iris using a binder (a garment that helps in reducing the appearance of a persons chest) a year and a half ago, and it helped them to accept their body the way it is. “I was like I have this and this and this is me and this is me, I can’t change it, I wont change it I have to love it to make me feel more ok with me.“
However, when I asked if they could imagine wearing a binder one day again, they answered:
Breaking the gender roles
Iris went on to share their feelings about gender roles: “ I don’t know, how a man, a woman or a non-binary person feels. There is not a specific way, we make it up.
We make it up so it is easier for us. That is why we have the stereotypes and say that this is more feminine. This is more masculine. But it is not that, it’s just how you describe it. It is not how you feel. It can’t describe how you feel, because I feel some way, but you can’t know how I feel. And it’s the same for me about you. I don’t know how you feel about your gender. “
Iris says that these theories come from the famous scientist Magnus Hirschfeld and continues to answer:
“Gender is as much as any person on this earth. Any person has their own gender. I have a gender on my own you have a gender this person has a gender, and he (Magnus Hirschfeld) wanted to say that genders are infinite. We don’t have a specific number of genders. If you are a person, you have a gender, your own gender. Not the stereotypical male or female because of your genitals. “
They mention that there are colours specifically associated with a specific gender and in the Greek language everything has a grammatical gender. Why? Furthermore, they talked about the so-called unisex clothing that is in their opinion actually stereotypical men´s clothing. Or can you remember seeing a skirt or a dress in the unisex section?
But many people don’t seem to be open to breaking those gender barriers. Even in the day to day life of the two non-binary people I met, people actively do not want to gender (call someone the pronouns they want and/or think of the person in one gender) them the way they want. In Greece, both Alex and Iris found out that they feel most comfortable with the neutral pronouns that are used in greek. Though these pronouns are mainly used for things that are neutral in the Greek language. Therefore many people say, “Oh, but it isn’t right “or “I don’t feel comfortable, “While Alex feels, “I just want you to use the pronouns I want you to use for me “.
Because in the end it hurts people in a completely different way if you refer to them with pronouns they do not feel comfortable with. If somebody tells you straight up that they want to be called XX, they probably have thought about it.
But it is not just the pronouns that can be something people have difficulty with. Alex and Mike for example were telling me about hairdressers, that always cut their hair short, but in a feminine way. Until they found a LGBT-friendly barber who finally gave them the haircut they desired.
However, sometimes a simple haircut is not enough to feel completely aligned with your gender. Some trans people want to have surgeries. Also, the desired surgeries could be different, while one trans woman might decide to have top surgery, but not bottom surgery, another might not find surgery necessary at all. And both are equally valid.
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The reasons why people choose to have surgery or hormone therapy can be different. An important one would be to feel more connected with their body and complete. Another one might be to more easily pass as your gender (to pass is to be perceived by others as the gender that you are). This could also help for safety reasons; people would not realize you are trans, and this could have advantages in many areas of life. Other people might also choose to not physically transition because of safety reasons. Or they just do not have enough money to afford surgery or just do not want to go through the whole process of making themself emotionally naked for a psychiatrist.
Because gender confirmation surgery is possible in Greece, but only if you have a paper by a psychiatrist that proves the necessity. And this can take a lot of time and effort.
Alex states out how important it is to see those surgeries as a medical necessity, because as they say “It can be lifesaving for trans people, because bodily-dysphoria can really affect one´s mental health a lot of the times.“ And passing as the gender they are can help them in all areas of their life.
Mike is questioning the whole process of needing to go to a psychiatrist:
“ Hormone therapy and surgery are our decision ok, but being Trans isn’t. Now, many people don’t like that but, in comparison to someone who wants to change their nose for example, they don’t have to have a paper saying they have “nose dysphoria” they can change it and sometimes they don’t even like the outcome of the surgery, so why do I need to have a paper?”
And he continues:
“ That’s what I think because they think that they’re doing that to prevent us from doing something to our bodies that we won’t eventually like and I am like and? What is your problem? I´ll do that and if I won’t like it, it’s my problem not yours! “
But doctors having more knowledge and a different understanding of the trans reality would be helpful, also in general therapy. Mike told us with his experience with many psychologists , that didn’t know anything about trans people and used Mike the whole session to get their private lesson about trans realities. Instead of knowing about the matter and being able to specifically help.
How to be good Allies
The very first thing would be acceptance. Just as you identify as the gender you were assigned at birth, others are a different gender than what they were assigned at birth, so no need to question that. And just know some things about the community. It shouldn’t be the case as in Mikes that you go to a psychologist you explain one hour what trans even means and furthermore have to pay for this.
People should understand that some questions are just disrespectful. Like “Why are you dressed like this “or “Why do you want to use those pronouns“. “
"They just make you feel more and more bad about your body “(Iris)
It is very important to listen to those people they have something to tell you and you have to listen to it” “
And talking about it because most people don’t know about non-binary people or other genders. “
This way, the topic would be understood better, and if a huge part of society understands and supports, the laws could also be changed to make it easier to change your name and pronouns and give a third gender option. Furthermore, making it easier to get surgeries paid by medical care. Because it does influence mental health and the safety of trans people to not be able to change parts of their body if they feel that they need to.
It shouldn’t be needed to search for LGBT* friendly professionals in every way. But it would be especially helpful if doctors and psychologists would know more about the topic and could therefore seriously help.
It would also help if pronouns and perception of gender would not be so closely connected to the bodies or expression of gender. Mike for example stated that it would help to pass as masculine (to pass means being read and treated by society as the gender you actually are) even without binder (binder a product or binding as an action is a way to reduce ones chest appearance often used to reduce body dysphoria.) in summer because it is super hot.
As Iris said, the neutral clothing is actually traditional male clothing. Why can’t we see dresses as unisex clothing? Just because people read others as a different gender, they are not right and should respect the actual gender of the person. Otherwise, one can feel hurt and not seen as who they actually are.
What else would help?
Alex shares, “For me, it would mostly just be the simple idea of someone coming out. The moment someone would say this is my gender, this is how I want to be referred to as, these are my pronouns, there wouldn’t be any resistance. And if the person decided to change those pronouns, or if the person decided to detransition that would not be a big deal. Everything would just be acceptable and there would not be stigmas surrounding it. Being able to just exist and not consider gender in terms of the ways other people would treat you would be very helpful. “
To see gender as a spectrum and not be so closed in the ideas of what is male and what is female.
“ I don’t like this idea to be the one to give your newborn a name, a religion, a gender; let them pick. Just let them pick when the time is right.” Iris
Alex was also mentioning the portrayal of trans people in media as mostly always suffering. They stated that this is creating a kind of traumaporn for cis people to get enjoyment out of, with the message “Look how hard their life is, but they are so strong. And that is why they are wonderful “
Alex “I think we are strong people regardless, just that trans people have to prove that constantly “
But when you just see suffering trans people, it makes it hard for oneself “especially when we don’t have trans people in our lives, it can be like oh, so, if I am trans then my life is just going to include a lot of suffering. Which makes it so much harder to come to the realization that you are trans and to come out because it seems like it is just going to be painful “, shares Alex.
So it is important to create narratives for trans people and to also show the joy and happiness that one experiences as a trans person. To see them as humans. And to reflect for yourself where these gender norms come from and why you personally might take them so seriously.
© https://yourewelcome.club/
Then I asked them what Mike and Alex would tell a trans person that didn’t come out yet, and they first made clear, that you should never push someone to come out. Because it can be a threat to your safety, so people should just do it when they feel ready and safe enough, not because of the feeling to prove something to someone with the coming out. It seems like sometimes people feel the pressure to show that they are brave, but you do not have to come out.
But after that both agreed to tell a closeted trans person the following.
Alex: “It feels weird to just say it gets better, because it is like the most cliche thing “
Mike: “Actually it does “
Alex: “But it does “
Mike: “Yeah. And I wouldn’t believe that, like ok it gets better, how? But now I can actually see that it gets better, you just have to wait and be patient. Never stop trying to accept yourself and help people to accept you. “
Alex: “Yeah, and I don’t think either of us is saying that we don’t live in hell, but being able to find people who will accept you is really important and those people always exist. There isn’t something inherently wrong with anyone you are always going to find other trans and queer people who will love you and who will support you"
Mike: “It is like living in hell, but having an air conditioner there “(Laughter)
And then I asked Mike and Alex if they would have liked to be born in a different body. Mike answered that it might have been easier, but he wouldn’t have the whole trans experience.
