ERVIN By Mike Ervin
BROKE ASS AND CRIPPLED The search for validation is a common
usually don’t have to go to an office
quest for verts (that’s what I call peo-
to get invalidated. A social worker will
ple who can walk, because it’s short for
come invalidate you in the comfort
vertical). But for crippled people, that
and convenience of your own home.
common quest is twisted into a search
There’s probably even a contact-free
for invalidation. This seems to be espe-
method of invalidation, executed com-
cially true for people who are both
pletely online.
crippled and broke ass, because there
Invalid. Don’t you just love that
are some programs for which being
word? It’s so versatile. It’s an adjec-
merely crippled isn’t enough to qualify.
tive that means not valid, according
That’s how it is if you want to sign
to Merriam-Webster. But all you have
up for something like SSI or Medicaid
to do is subtly shift the accent from
or public housing. You have to go
the second syllable to the first and
down to an office with your doctor’s
this nifty little word is magically trans-
note certifying that you are crippled
formed into a noun that means a crip-
and you also have to turn your pockets
pled person. But I think the definition
inside out and sign a bunch of papers
needs to be updated to mean a person
swearing under penalty of perjury
who is not just crippled but very, very
that you are indeed as broke ass as
broke ass as well.
you attest to be. Then they stamp the
If you’re crippled but not yet suf-
word INVALID on your forehead, so to
ficiently broke ass, you will have to
speak, and you’re good to go.
liquidate your way into invalidation.
Ah, but the stamp isn’t permanent. It fades over time, so you’ll have to go get re-invalidated again sooner or later.
And that’s like being a contestant on a perverse, reverse game show. On a regular game show, the prize
That means you have to make sure you
is riches. But on the twisted game
stay broke ass.
show Liquidation, the prize is rags.
Becoming invalidated is a broke ass
You’re the contestant. How much
“If you’re crippled but not yet sufficiently broke ass enough to be invalidated, you will have to liquidate your way into invalidation. And that’s like being a contestant on a perverse, reverse game show.”
brand-new Samsonite luggage or an exciting vacation in Aruba. But on Liquidation, the contestant maybe already has those things. If so, they’re taken away. If you already had an exciting vacation in Aruba, they can’t take that away, but they can make damn sure it never happens again. And the show goes on and on until you’re finally broke ass enough to be invalidated. Your forehead is
cripple rite of passage. This may even
money do you have? Too much? Well,
be what you have to do if you need
then the unctuous host takes away
the state to pay for the people you
your surplus cash and stuffs it in their
hire to come into your home and help
pocket or maybe throws it in the air
you get in and out of bed every day. In
and makes it rain while audience mem-
band! Congratulations — you win the
a lot of states, to qualify for such pam-
bers dive for it.
grand prize.
pering you must be “Medicaid eligible,”
On the regular game shows, con-
stamped while the audience stands and applauds. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling. Strike up the
When you become invalidated, your
which is the official government term
testants compete for valuable prizes,
status changes from human being to
for broke ass. But in this case, you
such as a lovely dining room set, some
human been.
SEPTEMBER 2020
37
