Caring in times of loss and grief by Synod of SA

CARING IN TIMES OF LOSS AND GRIEF A GUIDE FOR LEADERS AND PASTORAL CARERSÂ

Published by the ELM Centre NEW UCA Synod, Board of Education Centre for Ministry, 16 Masons Drive North Parramatta NSW 2151 Edited September 2007, and April 2017 First edition March 1987 National Library of Australia ISBN No. 0 9587769 0 3 Copyright The Uniting Church in Australia NSW Synod, Board of Education Permission is given to photocopy the individual articles (A1 to A20 inclusive) for private or group study purposes only. Reproduction for commercial purposes of any material in the kit only by arrangement with the publishers.

Contents CARING IN TIMES OF LOSS AND GRIEF Questions for group discussion

Case study 7: when an illness is diagnosed Case study 8: suddenly

Introduction: Caring in times of grief and loss

unemployed, what next?

SECTION ONE: Ministries with

Case study 9: the day my divorce was finalised

people facing loss and grief

Ministering to the bereaved: a case study of a funeral ministry

Case study 10:Â the trauma of divorce

SECTION TWO: Case studies-

Case study 11: experiencing

stories of grief and loss

separation and divorce

Case study 1: When I lost my wife

Case study 2: When we lost our baby

Case study 6: one widow and her family

On the death of a partner

Helping ourselves when we

experience loss 16

The experience of widowhood

Ministering to bereaved adolescents

Case study 5: the place of faith in my bereavement

SECTION THREE:Â insights from focus groups

The grief of miscarriage Case study 4: A son who died

Case study 3: The feelings of a bereaved parent

Support services and further resources

Preface Grief is a part of all of our lives. But so often we are unprepared to face the challenges of loss and grief as they inevitably arise around us. This guide was developed for the carers and the cared for, to share stories of grief and strength which provide insight into the lives of people who have suffered unimaginable loss. The purpose of this resource is to equip our Church as we strive to go beyond meals and flowers when we support those suffering from grief. Within our church community, we have a wealth of experience, and the present resource is a compilation of stories of many different kinds of loss. These are difficult topics, and some of these articles aren’t easy to read. But in order for us to care well, it is important that we confront struggles of grief and loss. I pray that these articles provide you with insights that can inform the way you walk alongside our Brothers and Sisters in Christ through times of grief and loss. Elizabeth Ferguson Editor, Third Edition, ‘Caring in Times of Loss and Grief’.

The development and use of 'Caring in times of loss and grief' This resource kit represents the efforts of many people who have been willing to share of themselves in writing of their very personal loss and grief. They share their lives briefly with the reader so that their experience may be a sign of hope, a means of God’s grace both to those who are in pain and to those who are the carers. Without them there would be no such kit. We are indebted to them. The committee who assembled and edited this material sought to bring these people’s stories together in this format so that the many carers in our congregations and faith communities could gain insights, inspiration, hope and a renewed challenge to love and walk alongside those in pain.

Using this resource The design of the kit facilitates the use of each article in isolation for study and reflection by groups or individuals. The introductory article “Facing grief and loss” presents materials suitable for study by Church Councils, support groups and other carers within the congregation. Materials for distribution may be photocopied. The question sheet included is offered as a guideline for group discussion. The resource is divided into the following three sections: SECTION ONE: ministries with people facing grief and loss SECTION TWO: case studies: stories of grief and loss SECTION THREE: articles with advice and insights from focus groups The final section, ‘Further Resources’, is a brief inventory of ‘where to go for further help’. Our hope is that these various articles will be used in pastoral care training, to give insight and encouragement to those offering care. These are experiences of real people and as such they may also be used to give support to those who find themselves in similar circumstances of loss and grief.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Question sheet for group discussion A suggested group process to use in conjunction with the case studies in this kit

Readings Matthew 25:42-45 Luke 13:1 Acts 3:1-10Â

Quesions

1. What are the feelings and emotions which you are conscious of in reading and responding to this article?

2. How would these emotions and feelings affect you as a carer of this person? Can you share this with the group?

3. What are the issues which emerge from your reading of this article?

4. Identify the needs being expressed by the writer of the article.

5. Can your group suggest appropriate action to meet some of these needs?

6. How do you propose to put these ideas into action?

7. Did you have any response to this article which surprised you?

8. How can you apply what you have learned from this article to your community and the needs you see around you?

Caring in times of loss and grief

Introduction Facing grief and loss All of us face grief and loss in our lives. We are involved in many loss situations- loss through death of someone we love, or by facing our own death, through disability, aging, our children leaving home, divorce or other breakdown of relationship. Then there is the loss of our own illusions about ourselves, or in the betrayal of our hopes and expectations.

Always, in these and other grief situations we are faced with struggling to know how to care for other people and ourselves. If we are the carer, we need to understand what is likely to happen to us in relation to people in pain, as well as what might be happening to the person for whom we are caring. In this resource kit we are offering some ideas about coping with particular situations of loss and grief but in the introduction, we are also recognising that there are some things which are important when we look generally at caring for people in pain.

Identifying grief and loss In assembling this resource, the Committee became aware of the great diversity of grief and loss experiences. Listed below are some of these which we have identified. We acknowledge it is not an exhaustive list. We identified people who have lost… - A member of their family, through death; of husband, wife, mother, father, child, sibling or close relative. - A husband or wife through a broken relationship, separation and divorce. - A very close friend, through death, through broken relationship or by a move to another place. - Their independence because of remarriage and the need to establish a new way of relating to another partner. - Their parent role because their children have grown up, left home or married to establish their own life. - Experiencing a period of unemployment. - Their home in bushfire, flood or separation. - Their motivation, goals, reasons for living. - Their daily routines through retirement. - Through disability. - A body part- through accident or operation. - Through pregnancy; miscarriage, still-birth, abortion. - Through infertility. - Through the experience of rape. - Through the aging process; breaking up of family home and independence. - Through movement to retirement accommodation. - Through illness and the loss of health. - Through immigration.

Caring in times of loss and grief

All these situations bring us some experience of loss and grief. In some of them we have no control over the circumstances that brought about the loss. In others, we have chosen our actions and have therefore chosen to ‘lose’ certain things. In both cases, we have to recognise our loss and grief, and come through an affirmation of a new approach to life.

What are we doing when we care for people? We are not saving them- only God saves people. We are humbly accompanying people in their life pilgrimage, sharing their life, and sometimes finding we can clarify things or point to resources. We can best discover what resources are needed if we are in a mutually respectful relationship with each other. As Christians, we can unselfconsciously “bear witness” to our experience of God who is at the bottom of every abyss. This witnessing does not demand faith of other people, but simply points to something in our own experience as a sign of hope. The basis of that hope is that in the end, we need never be victims of anything or anybody- together we can choose to move towards life.

“Together” is a critical word in caring for people. In entering our life in Jesus, God was together with us- not taking away our tragedies and struggles but simply being with us. “Together” is a critical word in caring for people. In entering our life in Jesus, God was together with us- not taking away our tragedies and struggles but simply being with us. We can trust that that, in itself, has transforming possibilities. Also we, as carers and cared-for, together with the Body of Christ, hold among us the resources for healing and recreation. We tend to move away from that essential understanding and believe that we ought to be able to cope by ourselves. God gives the resources to the whole Body- not to individuals. A mutually respectful relationship requires that we assume the cared-for person is also able to respond to our needs. Therefore, when we are too tired or for any reason are unable to respond to the call for help, we are free to ask the needy person to care for us, the carers, and delay the meeting with us or go to someone else for help. To set limits, particularly with manipulative people, is to avoid being patronising and also establishing clearly that we, the human carers, are not God but vulnerable human people. You may choose to say to people “I am sometimes going to say I cannot see you. If I am free to do that we will create the possibility of our being friends rather than helper and helped.” For the majority of people, this lifts their self-esteem and invites a responsible human response which they had sometimes forgotten they were able to make.

If our own hope is based on having answers and explanations for the tragedies in life then we will not be able to effectively care for people in situations where there seem to be no answers. We need to explore the bottom line of our hope. If our own hope is based on having answers and explanations for the tragedies in life then we will not be able to effectively care for people in situations where there seem to be no answers. In situations of loss, our hope needs to rest, ultimately, on faith like that of Habakkuk who was given no answer or solutions, who could cry out to God in anger and pain, who could denounce the enemies and then sing his song of hope which rested on no sighs from God.

Caring in times of loss and grief

‘The fig tree will not blossom, the vine will not bear fruit… I will exult in the name of the Lord… who carried me into high places.’ (Hab. 3:17-19)

The spiritual consequences of loss and trauma Many people facing loss or tragedy in their lives experience a devastating shattering of their world view. Consciously, or sub-consciously, we are all continually formulating a workable interpretation of the way things ‘are’ and ‘should be’. Some of us build this around a Christian formulation- which can be helpful, if it is mature. For example, we may build our perception of life on the premise that the good are rewarded and the bad punished. Then, when tragedy comes upon us, we are faced with deciding whether we are being punished for some known or unknown wrong in our life, or with the reshaping of our whole understanding of how life works. When this happens to us, most of us respond with anger, guilt, hurt and confusion- people often talk about an experience of ‘nothingness’, ‘meaninglessness’, ‘chaos’, or the absence of God. It is often a frightening time but one which, again, we may safely explore. Jesus and the people of Israel called it a wilderness experience and we can tell people that this is the moment when they may “lie back” as though they are on a cloud being carried by the faith of other people. As they wait expectantly, their faith, or their world view, will gradually reform itself and the ground will appear under their feet again. We can tell them that they are, at that moment, wounded peopleeven their soul is wounded by the pain of life and needs the gentle healing of God and the love of other people. The pain of people is sometimes honoured best with silence from us and a preparedness to simply stay with them in the darkness of their life. At that moment it is the company on the path that matters. Paradoxically it is often from that sharing of ‘no answers’ that comfort and faith arise. As we travel with people in pain, we will want to pull them out of itoften because they remind us of our own pain and fear. We need to remind ourselves that we are both safe- Christ does not reveal to us that we must not ‘die’ but that ‘deaths’ need not destroy us.

People often talk about an experience of nothingness, chaos, or the absense of God.

As we enter pain with another, we acknowledge that it is real and heard and that is the beginning of healing. After that, we can affirm the dignity of people, and the power of God, by refusing to treat them as powerless victims. Most ‘helping’ professionals have a client/expert relationship with those they serve. The pastoral relationship should always be working towards establishing the potential for the cared-for person to step into the community of faith as an equal with the carer.

It is far more caring to promise little in all that we do and say and faithfully sustain that level of caring. This means that we are trying to move towards interdependence rather than dependence, and dignity for each- part of that dignity lies in a high degree of confidentiality in all that takes place between two people. There is always a tension between distancing oneself enough from the person needing care to be useful rather than enmeshed in his/her situation and that of being truly loving and deeply empathetic with one person.

Caring in times of loss and grief

It is an ongoing tension, but one of the safeguards is to constantly tell oneself that God is, in the end, responsible for the well-being of the person concerned. Carers are always tempted to promise more caring than they can actually deliver. We do this in many ways- by saying “I’ll see you soon” or “I’ll keep in touch” and not doing so or by heaping people with attention and resources in the early days and then leaving them (especially with very needy, lonely people), giving them lots of hugs and warm body messages then recoiling when they get excited and hopefully respond. If the carer genuinely wants to sustain a caring relationship with a person, it is helpful to give clear guidelines for the relationship. For example, give the person your phone number and convenient times for calling and permission to call at any time, if you want that to happen. Sometimes it is good, if a person is asking more of you than you can cope with to say something like, “I do have a lot of commitments so I can usually give people an idea of when I am free to talk to them, I’d love to hear from you every second Thursday at about 11am.” People who have great needs sometimes feel relieved to have someone set limits- others can be angry, but find it far better to know you are there for them at certain times than have people avoid them because they can’t handle the situation. We also need to remember that,

We also need to remember that, while doing things to

while doing things to support people is good, the most

support people is good,

valuable thing is the relationship itself. A call to people

the most valuable

simply to make contact is enormously valuable and conveys the message that they don’t have to ask you to do something as an excuse for ringing you.

thing is the relationship itself

Some people are so needy that nobody is ever going to meet their needs- they appear to be insatiable. We need to face firstly that we can’t meet all their needs and that is okay, and then set our limits, stick to them and commit the person to God. We should also be sharing with other members of the community of faith that we need support in coping with the person concerned and our own responses.

What happens to us when we care for others in pain? All of us have the human impulse to withdraw from pain. Pain and tragedy reminds us of all the profound questions in our life like “Why do innocent people suffer? Is there really a God of love at the centre of things? Why me? Why this person?” We will have a strong impulse to stop the pain in the other person: “solve” the problem, cheer the person up, deny what they are really experiencing, partly because we hate to see them suffer and partly because their pain touches our own. So, as we care for people who are suffering, we need to monitor our own feelings as much as theirs. If we find ourselves reacting to them in ways that are defensive, anxious, rejecting or very distressed, we need to pause and quietly say to ourselves, “What am I really feeling, what is this person reminding me of?”. Then, as we get in touch with what is happening to ourselves we need to care for ourselves and say “That’s alright. I am safe- I can feel the pain in myself and I don’t need to withdraw from that. I don’t have to have answers or solve anything- God is with me and with this other person and will care for us both.”

Caring in times of loss and grief

The resources of faith: prayer Prayer

What do we think we are doing when we pray for people? It is critical that we explore this question; otherwise we may risk damaging our own faith and that of other people. We each have to work out our own answers. The following account explores the author's personal convictions:

God is God; therefore I am not able to order God around. God loves us, hears our cry and encourages us to be in constant relationship. When people pray we are participating in, and adding to, the eternal stream of love, healing, energy and good which permeates the entire creation and which is basically ‘for’ us. Sometimes, like a gift, this works for us in obvious and concrete ways which appear to be miraculous. Always it works for us in ways which take us beyond our own perceived possibilities- in other words, because we may choose to link ourselves with the power of God, we are lifted beyond our own power for good and healing. This may be experienced in countless different ways- in new hopefulness, in inner healing, in physical healing, in renewed faith, release from pain into physical death, in insights which move us towards support and new resources. We may not choose how the “answer” will come. We may ask in faith and wait with expectation. What is offered to us is not the end of suffering but life in the face of everything which would destroy us. Because God is our loving parent we may trust the relationship and feel free to express our anger and confusion directly to God- just as the psalmists didwe may be absolutely honest instead of pretending we are coping and accepting. The answer to prayer is not dependent on our goodness or the quality of our faith. The grace of God is free and unconditional. We cannot earn it, no matter how hard we try and we are not required to do that. A wise person once said “God does not love us more because we are good.” Finally, I would like to tell you a little story. A man once came to me in profound pain. He told me his story and said he wanted to die. There were no apparent solutions to his pain. I felt I only had three things to offer to him so I said: “I will sit in silent respect before your pain. I tell you, with absolute certainty that God who is life and love is at the bottom of every abyss. I will hold your hands in mine and give you some of my peace and energy.” I committed him to the God who is always there for us and stayed ‘with’ him at intervals for some weeks. That was enough. It is good to learn the rudiments of counselling and caring but, in the end, to be there for people, quietly, unassumingly- letting them cry with us, talk out their pain with us, as people who are not afraid of pain, is the important thing.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Ministries with people facing loss and grief The following are ideas for training pastoral carers or lay groups in exploring their ministries with people facing loss and grief

Idea one Ask pastoral carers to share the things that they fear most in taking up their ministry - What situation(s) make them anxious? - What sort of people would they like to avoid? - When do they feel inadequate? - What faith questions trouble them most? Get them to write down their answers and then put them up on a paper for the group. Develop discussion on areas of concern. Point to positive resources or plan to work on specific concerns held in common.

Idea two Arrange for the leader, with an experienced person, to role-play several different situations of a person sharing pain, grief or loss. Have the pastoral carers listen and note when they begin to feel anxious. Discuss these moments and try to get at the real feelings. Anger? Fear? Pain? Anxiety? – Why? Help people to reflect on whether they were responding to things in themselves or in the other person. Help people to accept their own responses, to see them as natural and valid and to be affirmed rather than pushed away.

Idea three Ask the pastoral carers to reflect on how they would respond to the person in the role play. What would they have done differently?

Idea four Work on helping pastoral carers to discover their own spirituality by sharing answers to the following questions: - What are your sources of energy, life, enthusiasm, strength? - What do you return to in times of struggle, pain, fear, disappointment, humiliation? - What do you cling to in the darkness? - How do you celebrate?

Caring in times of loss and grief

Ministering to the bereaved A criticism and it's consequence: the response of one congregation I had often heard members of the congregation say things like, “We only see these people at baptisms, weddings and funerals,” when they referred to funerals of folk who were not church attendees. But a remark from one parishioner one day as I was leaving the church for the cemetery seemed to cut deep. The remark, a kind of comment-question-criticism, was “Someone else using the church?”. The comment troubled me. Somehow, I felt that if it was a condemnation of the bereaved family, then it was equally a condemnation for us. They had not found us until the crisis, but we had not found them either! They regarded themselves as somehow part of us. We had not even known of their existence. So, we began looking closely and critically at how we were ministering to such families at their moment of crisis. As the minister, I made contact with them when I learned from the undertaker or the hospital that there had been a death. As minister, I was there to conduct the funeral service and perhaps, if invited, join those who went back to the house afterwards. Often, I would visit the bereaved in the week following the funeral. That was about all. They were strangers. We had not seen them at worship before. We did not expect to see them again- well, not until the next crisis. Apart then, from the minister who conducted the funeral, the organist who provided the music and the roster person who arranged the flowers, no-one from our church family was involved in any way with these funerals. Congregational members may have heard an announcement over the radio, seen a funeral notice in the paper or observed a hearse and a group of strangers around the church. That was as far as they were involved. At the funeral, the bereaved family was supported by friends, neighbours, acquaintances, colleagues and members of clubs and organisations. But the church was not there! As a congregation, it would seem that either we did not know about the funeral, did not care, or did not think that it had anything to do with us. Some soul-searching brought us to the point where we could see that here were people in need, yet as a congregation we showed no willingness to help them. Here was an opportunity to demonstrate Christian love and concern and we were ignoring it. And the thought crossed our minds that if we came close enough to these people in their time of need we might even hear some faint calls for help.

The beginnings of a ministry to the bereaved We began to respond to the challenge of the question by appointing two members of our congregation as coordinators of a ministry to the bereaved. These coordinators were responsible for seeing that someone from our church family attended these funerals and visited the bereaved after the funeral. The procedure we suggest is as follows: 1. The coordinators, or someone arranged by them, arrive at the church early on the day of the funeral so that I can introduce them to the bereaved family. With the introduction, I make a brief explanation which goes something like: “Fred and Isobel are members of our church family who are here to support you and share your grief.”

Caring in times of loss and grief

2. The coordinators, or those designated by them, attend the service and are mentioned at some point during the worship, together with all others who have come to express their sympathy and offer support. 3. After the service, the coordinators or other members of the congregation speak to the widow or widower (or parents, brothers and sisters etc. of the bereaved) and hand them a card in which is written something that expresses the sympathy and prayers of the members of the church. 4. During the following week, the designated people visit the home of the bereaved. 5. Visits, at regular intervals, continue during the following months.

Evaluating the ministry Since we began this aspect of ministry some two years ago, we have noticed: 1. Bereaved families are surprised by, obviously pleased and comforted by the presence of members of the congregation at the funeral. 2. Lonely, sorrowing people have been helped through a difficult time by the friendship shown during follow-up visits. This is particularly true of people with no family or few friends. 3. Some continuing friendships have developed. 4. Family members, often children of the bereaved who live at a distance, are relieved to find that the church cares for and will keep in contact with their widowed parent. 5. Some bereaved folk have joined the church family in regular worship. Some have joined fellowship groups. The contact at the funeral with members of the congregation has allowed them to come back to the church, often after a long absence. 6. A number of bereaved folk who are aged or ‘shut-in’ have asked to receive tapes of our Sunday Worship Services. 7. Congregational members involved have found a new and rewarding aspect of ministry, and have been strengthened and have grown in their Christian experience. 8. We have not heard anyone in recent times refer to outsiders “using the church”.

The church is discovering afresh what it means to be the Body of Christ. In the congregation, the challenge is to help individual members to discover and exercise their gifts. The ministry to the bereaved offers one such opportunity.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Case study one: when I lost my wife

There are many things- too many to list them all here- that stand out in my memory following that day. First, I would have to say that I was filled with strength, calmness, a peace that I would not have

It was Friday. Friday, June 13th. Even following the events of that day I still cannot believe Friday the 13th to be any unluckier than any other Friday. I have been asked whether I might put on paper some of my feelings, my memories, my hurts, my emotions, following the events of this Friday. For you see, it was on this day that my wife was killed in a head-on collision. Our two boys who were travelling with us were both injured. The elder, nearly 4, suffered a broken leg whilst the younger, just 2, suffered massive head injuries including depressed fractures of the skull and some loss of brain tissue exposed

believed possible had I not experienced it myself. Don’t get me wrong. I shed many a tear and at times I felt that physically my heart would break in two, but underneath still calm and at peace. I have been actively involved with the church since birth, always being encased within a Christian environment. Just how much that meant to me was brought home a couple of months after our accident, when a friend of my wife’s who was not a Christian, said to me “I don’t understand, I can’t cope. You all have something to cling to, something to help you through- I have nothing.”

by a gaping gash to his forehead. I was to spend the next five and a half weeks at the boys’ bedside in hospital whilst they recovered from their injuries. My wife was not the only one to die that day. The young teenager who collided with us also died. A blood sample taken later from this

It was not what people said that mattered, it was what they did and the fact that they were beside us to share our grief.

young man would reveal a blood alcohol reading of .260, somewhat over our present legal limit of .05. But what are my memories of how I felt following that tragic day? My first recollection is one of disbelief- this could never happen to me. This sort of tragedy, happening every day, was going to happen to someone else, but not to me. I remember standing in the middle of highway and recalling the words Jesus used on the cross “Father take this cup from me”. Strange perhaps but this thought is all I recall of those first few minutes as people who seemed to come from nowhere, struggled to free my wife from the wreckage. It was only later on thinking about those few moments that I realised how I was unable to extend my

The way people- friends, workmates and even people we did not know- came rushing to our sides, still stands out in my memory eleven years later. It was not what people said that mattered, it was what they did and the fact that they were beside us to share our grief. I would encourage people to get beside, to go and see anyone who has lost a loved one. I recall some friends who did not come to see me for many weeks because they felt their emotion would upset me further. I would have preferred them to come and share this grief with me. Having people around me in those first few months was very important.

thoughts to add as Jesus did, “Not my will but yours be done”.

Caring in times of loss and grief

On that night of the accident I had only been at

What I appreciated most was those that

the hospital with my boys for a matter of

didn’t ask what they could do, but simply

minutes when my local minister rang. I will

arrived with a cake or to mow the lawns or to

never forget hearing his voice and feeling a

help with the ironing.

load lifted as someone else was helping to carry it. I should explain that the accident happened

Even though we knew people wanted to help

some 500 kilometres from our home. I still

at the time, we still did not want to be a

remember what my minister said: “We may not

nuisance to them and so tended not to ask

be able to be with you physically, but you can

people to help.

be assured that you and the boys are very much in our thoughts and prayers.” What was important to me was the speed with which our minister had been able to contact me all those kilometres away. Someone else was sharing our

"Many people offered help; 'let

grief with us. Our minister had well utilised the

me know if there is anything I

couple of hours it took us to get from the scene

can do', but at that stage I

of the accident to the hospital. He had already contacted the minister of the country church and so it was only a short time before he was beside me that night. I received many letters and cards from people and being so far from home, they were important to me. They were also important because I believe they allowed many to share with me in a way they could not have face to face in those early days. I would encourage

wasn’t up to being inventive enough to think up jobs for people to do. What I appreciated most was those that didn’t ask what they could do, but simply arrived with a cake or to mow the lawns or to help with the ironing."

people to put pen to paper in these situations even if the person is just around the corner and they have only recently seen the person. I still remember what one friend wrote- “We read that it is better to give than receive- remember that in order for people to give someone must be prepared to receive. Let people help you

I believe it is very easy (without meaning to

through these next difficult moments.”

be) to leave someone who has lost a partner out of ‘the ‘the group’. I think people should

We returned home some six weeks after the

be encouraged to ensure they include a

accident to find lawns mown, the house ‘spring

person left on their own in their activities. If

cleaned’, the freezer filled and all our cake tins

they went out for meals together as couples

filled. Many people offered help- “Let me know

before the separation, continue the

if there is anything I can do”. But at that stage I

invitations- don’t expect the one grieving to

wasn’t up to being inventive enough to think

take the initiative.

up jobs for people to do.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Make sure too that the person is encouraged to

During those early months following the

continue attending the same groups, even

accident we faced many decisions. I believe we

though it may mean bending or changing the

did the right thing in not rushing into any

rules (perhaps the couples club could become a

decision until it because apparent what was the

triples club- for doubles and singles).

right thing to do.

It would be remiss of me not to mention the

I found comfort in the Bible during those days,

tremendous support I have received from my

particularly in Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s promise of everlasting life

family. Right from that very first night of the

to those who love him. I had not realised how

accident when they travelled hundreds of

many passages contain references to this

kilometres to be with me, they have been a

promise.

tower of strength. Within a few days of the accident, my parents had offered to sell up and

Having to experience a loss like this in my life is

move in with me to help raise my two boys.

something I would never have thought I could

They are still with the boys and me today, 11

come through. But I have, and I have many

years later. I do not know what I would have

people to thank for that. The experience has

done without the love, the affection, the care

made me aware that truly â&#x20AC;&#x153;the peace of God

and the sacrifice that my parents have made for

passes all understandingâ&#x20AC;?.

my boys and me.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Case study two: when we lost our baby When my wife and I lost our baby son from a

where we’d left a key and let themselves

cot death- it was like a horrible nightmare.

in and freshened everything up, not to

What had started as a family holiday for our 6-

mention stocking the fridge with pre-

year-old daughter and 4-year-old son, plus a

cooked meals that just had to be warmed

chance for my wife to rest up after the birth of

up. As we look back on that now, I don’t

our third child, ended up with us sitting in the

think we’d have eaten if we had to

casualty waiting room of a country hospital as

prepare anything! The motivation just

the staff frantically tried to revive 5-week-old

wasn’t there! And people kept arriving for

Simon.

days with home-made cakes and other food and for us it was such an outpouring

It was Sunday afternoon and the perfectly

of love and friendship which has left a

healthy baby that we had bathed a fed that

mark on our lives that we will never forget.

morning and tucked into his cot for a sleep, just didn’t wake up for his 2 o’clock feed.

I guess if we were to make any negative comment about those events it would be

As Christians, my wife and I searched our hearts

to say that in trying to ease our burden,

for answers- but there weren’t any. We certainly

they almost went too far. They took down

didn’t blame God for what had happened, but

all the baby cards we still had up in the

that didn’t stop us going through all the normal

lounge room and removed Simon’s nappy

grief symptoms of anger, denial, depression,

bag, change table etc. so that our first

etc. and finally acceptance. As Christian’s we

reaction on walking into the house was

weren’t spared from any of that! We grieved just

that he never existed!

like anyone else. But although our faith was strained and tested, it remained strong and

I know their intentions were right as they

enabled us to cope with this almost unbearable

struggled with our hurts and tried to

intrusion into our previously happy family life.

protect us, but in that area we needed time to face that particular issue ourselves,

Our Christian friends were a great help. The

and it didn’t come for several weeks. My

Uniting Church minister who prayed with us at

wife found that the day came a little over

the hospital, telephoned through to our local

two weeks after Simon died, when she

church and as we were making the long, lonely

could actually go into his room and sort

drive home, without our baby, the local church

out his clothes and pack them up—in case

folk were already seeking ways they could help

we had another child—but it was

us. Some of the men came to our house and

something she had to do in her own time.

mowed the lawns and the women found out

Caring in times of loss and grief

We really appreciated the visits from so many Christian friends in that first week. We know how hard it was for them to call in. They didn’t know what to say- neither did we. But we just uplifted one another and allowed the love that flowed to be the power that healed. I mentioned the support of the first week for a real purpose. Not that it’s meant as a criticism for I’m sure it happens in most grief situations, but after the initial shock and loss followed by the funeral when the support is high, it drops off suddenly and people don’t drop in or call for they often feel more awkward and ill at ease

.. after the initial shock and loss followed by the funeral when the support is high, it drops off suddenly...

than during the initial grief period. May I say- please keep up the visits. Those first few weeks and months are just agony. Once you’ve bedded the other children down (and been backwards and forwards to their rooms a thousand times to make sure they’re breathing) the nights are very long!

Caring in times of loss and grief

Case study three: the feelings of a bereaved parent By Lea Beaven, used by permission: The

We live in constant fear. Fear that we will

Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents

not be able to cope with this trauma. We

Support Information Centre

fear waking up in the morning because we must once again face the unbearable

Perhaps it is time we took a long hard look at

truth. We fear contact with friends or

some of the really rough feelings we have to

workmates who cannot understand our

face during our long struggle back to a

grief or our need to talk.

somewhat normal existence after the death of our child.

We fear going through the motions of everyday life, shopping, cooking, and

As the initial shock and numbness—which has

travelling by bus. How will we make it

cocooned us in the first few months after our

through the day? We fear the needs and

child’s death—starts to pass we are struck by

demands of our surviving children and

feelings we have never before experienced, and

our-spouse.

are totally foreign in nature. Their intensity alone would be difficult to deal with on their

How can we be a parent and a partner

own. Add them to our traumatic state and we

again? We fear the long days, the empty

face our most vulnerable period. Just when we,

space at our table, and the need to ‘carry

and those around us, feel we should be

on’. We fear going to bed for we may not

“coming right”, we are suddenly falling apart.

sleep but toss and turn, tormented by our longing to have our child with us again.

Fear, anger and guilt. Why should we be

But most of all we fear going to sleep, for

subjected to these unbidden feelings?

when we finally do, we will only have to

Being such complex creatures, we have aspects

wake again to face another fearful day.

or qualities which lie hidden under our superficialities and surface only in emotive

The fear engendered by our grief is

times. Stress is one of these times. Grief related

something we cannot explain to others

stress, especially that experienced after the

unless they have experienced the same

death of our child puts us in our latest resistant

loss. We may fear contact with others, but

state.

the fear of being alone may be worse. When we are alone we will be tormented

We fear contact with friends or workmates who cannot understand our grief or our need to talk... we may fear contact with others, but the fear of being alone may be worse.

Caring in times of loss and grief

by many an unwelcome thought. We may feel intense anger at what has happened. Why me? Why my child? Why our family? Anger at God. Why did He take my child? Anger at our child. Why did you have to leave us? Why weren’t you more careful on the road? Why didn’t you sense the need for caution in your job? Why has your dying hurt me so badly?

Why is the pain so unbearable? Anger at others/ why have my friends deserted me? Why should they be happy? Why couldn’t it have happened

A father's prayer by Norman Hagley

“I am a man, God, and I have been

to them… been their child? Why can’t they

taught that I should be strong and

understand my pain, share my feelings, take my

show no weakness. My wife needs

hurt away?

me to be strong; I cannot and I must

I want to be happy again. I want to laugh, to enjoy my work or hobby, share in life’s simple pleasures. I am tired of this burden. I wish it

not be weak and lean on her. It is only with you that I can be honest Lord, and even with you I am

would all go away. My children with their

ashamed to admit it, but I want to

needs, my spouse with his/her needs, my

cry. I can feel the tears securely

friends with their lack of understanding and

dammed up behind eyes that want

most of all this unbearable hurt. I don’t want to

to burst. There is a voice in me that

feel anything anymore. Not to love at all would be preferable to this pain. Then comes the guilt. How can I think like this?

should, “be a man!”, “be a man!”, “show no weakness!”, “shed no tears”. But there is another voice inside

What sort of terrible person am I, to hate God,

that speaks softly and somehow I

to place blame on my precious child, to wish

feel it is your voice, Father. It is you

his hurt on someone else? To expect someone

who tells me that maybe my wife

else to want my pain and share my burden. To not want my surviving children or my spouse. How can I even think of laughing and being happy? My child has died!

needs the tenderness of my tears more than she needs the strength of my muscles? You are right, Lord, as always. My wife needs to see my

We experience these emotions because we are

grief, she needs to feel the dampness

normal parents. We have not been prepared for

of my tears and know the aching in

this ordeal. If at times we show some human

my heart. Then, just as we became

weakness, surely this must be expected. To float through this trauma without experiencing any of these feelings would be impossible. We have all the faults and failings of our kind. Being parents has not promoted us to a super breed.

one to create this life, we understand now, Lord, it is in sharing the awful pain of my grief that I became an even stronger man. It is in sharing my tears that I share

Accept these feelings as part of a healthy

my true strength. O God, help me

grieving process. As much as we would like to

communicate my deepest and most

take them from you, we cannot. But we can ‘be there’ to share your fear and anger and understand your guilt. We can see you through

sensitive feelings to my wife so we can become whole together.”

the bad times and be happy for you as they lesson. Above all, remember you are not alone.

Taken from Centring Corporation’s

We have also walked the same path, felt as you

Magazine “Caring Concepts”, Nebraska,

do and wished the pain away. Our experience is

USA.

all we have to give. It is a gift you will treasure always…

Caring in times of loss and grief

Case study four: a son who died I have been asked to share with you the things that helped me to cope when my 17-year-old son died, nearly two years ago. The first seven years of Brett’s life were a succession of visits to hospitals, many for operations and many emergencies. He was classed as “physically and mentally below average” and in need of Special Education. The next seven years were more settled, often sick but minor in nature. Then at fifteen, after a severe bout of Pneumonia, Hodgkins Disease was diagnosed. Six months of Chemotherapy, with which he coped very well, had him in remission which lasted for a year. Then the disease returned, worse this time. Then suddenly another Pneumonia virus, which his body could not fight, and he died within three days. In spite of his problems Brett was a warm and loving boy. Brave, funny, easily pleased and great company. He could also be naughty and difficult- a typical teenager. When he died I felt a great sense of loss. A longing to see him again and to put my arms around him brought real physical pain. Three factors were significant in how I coped with this pain and loss. Firstly, my faith had given me an inner strength that with prayer and the Holy Spirit, I could face anything that happened in my life. A painful divorce, the difficulties of raising two sons alone, Brett’s many problems and the death of both my parents were all times of stress and sadness in my life, but each time with prayer and the help of the Holy Spirit I coped and became stronger. Romans 8:35-39 were a comfort in such times. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?36 As it is written: “For your sake we face death all

Caring in times of loss and grief

day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[a] 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Secondly, my unswerving belief in ‘Life after Death’. Had I not believed that Brett was in a better place, with God his Father and Christ, I would have been completely devastated by his death. But believing it, how could I be sad for Brett? Myself yes, but Brett no! To be with Christ forever to be free from the ills and frustrations that his less than perfect body had caused him. And to be sure that one day I would be reunited with him ‘In my Father’s House’. The third factor in my coping was the loving support that surrounded me. My brother, Brett’s father, and a childhood friend, who leaving their wives, husband and children at home, spent many days, keeping me company, talking to the many visitors and helping me with anything that had to be done. The many relatives, friends, neighbour and church members who came bearing flowers and cakes, who sent cards, especially those with a personal message, and who filled the Church for Brett’s funeral, a wonderful service which I will never forget. Finally, to have Brett’s ashes placed in a most beautiful section of the Crematorium Gardens, a place of peace and tranquillity. Today I am at peace, still missing him, but getting on with my life, thankful to God for the seventeen years that I shared with him, remembering the good times, the funny, naughty and loving things he said and did.

Case study five: the place of faith in my bereavement

It was when the last child did the HSC and

All my life I had been associated and worked

out the costs I found I could not afford the

with the church, surrounded by Christian family

entrance fee, so decided it was a dream.

and friends and felt an easy relationship with

The night before entries closed, a cheque

God.

arrived from the Estate of a person who

moved to a country university in the same week as the last wedding, that I realised I would be completely alone, so although working all day, decided on a part-time university course at night. When working

had died years before and to whom I had Three months before my husband was killed, I

loaned some money and forgotten about-

had a personal encounter with God which

this covered both my daughter’s and my

deepened my faith and prayer life. During the

own entry fees.

next short while, friends lent me books on faith and prayer saying ‘I don’t know why I’m lending

I still had not dealt with my grief. I had

you this, but I know I have to.’ These I shared

asked my new minister a few questions

with my husband.

but he was of no help whatsoever. The previous minister, who had been a close

I was in church when my husband was killed in

friend of both my husband and me, had

a tragic accident at home and although two of

moved a few months after the death.

my children were home studying, they were unaware of his death until I found him. I was

I went to the country for a week and

given strength and clearness of mind during

during that time God called me to a

the next few days as business decisions had to

completely different direction which

be made as well as funeral arrangements. In

meant giving up my job and living on faith

the early hours of the morning before the

for three years full-time study. This I did,

funeral, I cried out to God for help- I felt the

and was supported in many ways by

pain of that cry- and I was led to the Psalms

anonymous cheques and through friends.

and their comfort. I was given a great peace which I could share with my children and our

It was in church that I suddenly came face

parents.

to face with ‘forgiveness’ as the choir sang the Crucifixion. The words “Father forgive

Because of economic situations and the

them…” stood out and it was as if Christ

Insurance Company not accepting

was beside me saying “…forgive…” (my

responsibility for payment of the policy, within

husband). Tears streamed down and in the

weeks the business and house had to be sold

next few days all the stages of anger, guilt

and I had to find full-time work. During all this,

etc. surfaced in my mind. I sought out my

I felt God very close to me. In the next three

previous minister and as I told the story he

years we moved three times- into smaller

learnt over and in his priestly role said “it is

places- three children graduated, there were

over”- and it was. At that moment I

two 21st, three engagements and weddings, so

experienced resurrection. I was given

there was no time to really grieve and I

wholeness and seven years of grieving was

developed a coping mechanisms that gave the

over. All the coping barriers disappeared

appearance that I was very self-sufficient.

as they were no longer needed.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Case study six: one widow and her children We all know the usual thing is to gather up the children and whisk them off- till things settle down and often weeks after or sometimes longer, it comes out that the children are frightened because they don’t understand what’s going on, and everyone assumes they know. This happened to me, weeks after the funeral, my 10-year-old was behaving abominably, so we went out into the garden to talk. All of a sudden it came out; “I’ll go down on the road and get killed, and then you could burn me up just like you burnt my daddy.” What does one say to this? “What’s that Bruce?” “That’s a cicada shell!” “But it looks exactly like a cicada, what would happen if I squashed or burnt it?” “Nothing mum, because the cicada isn’t thereit’s done away.” The rest of the story is obvious… Thanks be to God! Include children in the distress- and explain about the funeral and what will happen now. They handle it better when everyone else is in the same state.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Case study seven: when an illness is diagnosed

happening to other people?” Secondly, I do not believe that God himself sends things like cancer. As far as I can make out there are many causes of cancer. Most are

On April 11th I learned from my local Doctor

the result of people either doing damage

that an Ultrasound and a C.A.T Scan had

to the environment or doing something to

revealed metastases or secondary deposits

themselves which is self-destructive to the

caused by cancer. An operation at the hospital

body. Causes of triggers range from the

placed the source in the middle of the

overuse of chemicals, the pollution of our

pancreas, a development which may have been

atmosphere, the eating of carcinogenic

dormant for some time.

food, to things like smoking. Even exposure to other people doing the

Acceptance of this state of affairs was not easy. Many others have also found this to be so, although with me, acceptance seemed to come fairly quickly and I became mildly annoyed

smoking can be one of the causal factors.

Why blame God for what we do to ourselves or our world?

when some friends doubted that I had passed through this stage of the journey. At the time,

Some of my new spiritual experiences

one difficulty was that I could only tell my wife

have been bound up with helpful people.

Ruth about it. I could not tell the parish or

Other experiences have been linked to the

others until my three children knew, for this

prayers of a great number of people,

required final confirmation in the tests and

including present and former

operation which was to follow. It was hard

congregations with whom I have

keeping it quiet. The following day was a Parish

ministered. I have a sense of wonder when

Car Drive to see Halley’s Comet. I drove some of

I think I have been prayed for in New

our members for the return journey. I enjoyed

Guinea, in the USA, in England, in Morpeth

the fellowship and things of interest on the

Anglican and own our theological

way, but of course the diagnosis of the day

colleges, as well as at the Council of the

before was on my mind.

Uniting Church Synod. I feel very thankful to our one Lord.

Next day being Sunday, I preached at church, and conducted a triple Baptism. The three little

Still other experiences have been through

ones spoke to me of the continuity of life. After

Christian relaxation techniques and

the service, we went to the annual parish

meditation, including ‘imaging’. The

picnic. Although I was still not able to tell any

favourite image of God I have chosen is

parish people I did feel amazingly calm and

one of ‘light’. I imagine Jesus who said “I

began to have what I now recognise as a series

am the light of the world”, filling the room

of new spiritual experiences. Naturally, there

with his presence as light; then I ‘image’

was some grief as I told my whole family, the

that same light as entering my whole

parish pastoral carers and Executive a few days

body and person. This has been very

later.

helpful.

I have been asked, “Why should such a thing

Why take it for granted that to be

happen to a minister of the Gospel?” Firstly, I

diagnosed as having cancer is the end of

believe that a Christian minister is part of the

life right now? There is the question of

whole human family and so I ask in return,

‘living with it’ as well as the larger

“Why should a minister be especially immune

dimension of Christian hope through

to the sicknesses and difficulties that are

Jesus Christ our Lord.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Case study eight: suddenly unemployed, what next? Consider this case history (it is a composite happening of several stories of men in their fifties). Brian leaves for work one Friday morning, intending to apply for a fortnight’s leave (there are several weeks accumulated holiday leave owing). His work situation had been deteriorating for some time, but at present, was seemingly on an even keel. 8.30am Brian contacts his wife, Joan, to confirm dates of Leave 9.30am Brian again rings Joan and says, “They just came down and said I’m being made redundant today!” Joan: I can’t believe it! Brian: I can’t either. It’s a blow. Joan: What about notice? Brian: They will pay five weeks in lieu as well as my redundancy entitlements. Joan: Is that right for twenty years there? Brian: Yes. That’s the law. Joan: How do you feel? Brian: I feel very shocked. Joan: Me too. I love you. Later in the afternoon Brian came home with the cheques for Long Service Leave, redundancy pay, and Holiday pay (made up

Caring in times of loss and grief

incorrectly and necessitating negotiation)three little pieces of paper for twenty years’ work and no opportunity to say goodbye to friends and acquaintances. The next few weeks seemed almost like a dream. Brian worked around the house doing all the things that had mounted up, but without enthusiasm. He was sleepy, found it difficult to get up, and was not personally as neat and tidy as previously. Joan went to work, feeling bad at leaving, at becoming engrossed in other things. Brian read the paper avidly, ringing around the offers of work, filling in forms, waiting for replies, going for interviews, waiting and was unsuccessful. The family was more fortunate than mostchildren were grown up and selfsupporting, not many debts, some income from Joan’s part-time job. Yet, insidiously, this form of loss creates a grief of major proportion. Anger, frustration, depression emerge as well as loss of self-esteem and self-worth. Remarks by ‘well meaning’ people often serve to accentuate these feelings, e.g. “Oh dear, it’s been happening to lots of people these days. Something will turn up.” “That’s an area I’ve never been in. don’t know what I’d do.” “Oh, that won’t worry you. You must have plenty saved up.” Even worse, in a way, is the obvious embarrassment of the many who avoid mentioning the situation at all, and avoid conversation if possible. After many weeks, this story had a happy ending- but the scars and even unhealed wounds, remain. There are thousands of such stories in both city and country! They do not all have happy endings!

Case study nine: the day my divorce was finalised (used by permission South Australia Family Ministries Commission) On the day, my divorce was finalised I was given the opportunity to talk to my community at church about my experience of a modern ‘messenger of hope’. The following is the text of what I read to my community on that occasion (I couldn’t have just said it at that stage). This witness gave me a change to affirm the community that had helped me in my separation and loss, and to affirm my own stage of growth. In talking about a modern sign of hope, I want to base what I say on John’s announcement of the Messiah as a sign of the Kingdom of God on earth.

You have wished me ‘Shalom’, a personal and inner peace, as I and others have gone through the traumas of broken relationships, separation and divorce. You have been models of inner peace. You have supported me as I struggled with the tensions between my anger about the past and my affirmation of new possibilities, between my inability to forgive and my will to forgive myself and others, between my depression and hope, and you have seen me through to this point of time where I am at last and for the first time in my life, at peace within myself. In affirming this community as a sign of hope I particularly want to name the ways in which you have been beside me and others as we faced this unscheduled and expected crisis, proving a ‘rite of passage’ from one stage of our lives to another.

The Kingdom of God was then announced by Christ in the vision of a world where power serves people and where God’s will for the wellbeing or peace of humanity is sought. Christ was the sign of this new human being, this new way of life and this new social order based on justice, mercy, love and peace. We are called to express this realised future in the present, to live by the vision of the new, to be committed to the hope for peace of ‘shalom’, meaning security, safety physical wellbeing and fulfillment of life for all. We, the church, are called to be the community of peace, liberation and justice- to be the messengers or signs of hope for the world. The modern messenger or sign of this hope that I want to affirm is this church, my community. It is you people who have been,

First, you have recognised the crisis, and verbalised the parallels between grief following the death of a loved one, and the death or loss in separation and divorce. You have held onto us in that grief, shared our tears, and affirmed us as persons who are growing. You have given positive feedback about the signs of that growth, in our positive letting go of the past and accepting responsibility for our part of that past. You have facilitated healing by providing a secure base of being members of a caring community.

over the past three years, messengers of hope and the community of peace for me.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Second, you have seen the problems and

In all these ways, you have provided the

danger in this transition from one way of living

chance for me and others to negotiate a

to another and have helped us avoid the pitfalls

rite of passage to a new intimacy. In so

of either rushing to fill the void or retreating

doing, this community have been, and are

from social contracts. You have included us in

messengers and signs of hope, pointing

social activities. You have paced us through the

the way to justice, mercy, love and peace

crisis.

in the Kingdom of God.

Third, you have facilitated our reconciliation

I affirm you all and give you my deep

with our paradoxical selves and with God. You

thanks for your gift of peace. I join you in

have helped us to discover the special learnings

loving life as a sign of the future in the

and graces of this difficult time by providing

present.

opportunities for us all to think and feel through the characteristics of a mid-life crisis

Shalom!

that may result in dissolution of a previous commitment in a marriage contract. You have

Marelle Harrison

brought a deep theological understanding of the need to recognise that it is often best to acknowledge that a relationship has died, if we are to be faithful to ourselves, to the other persons involved and to God. In the Nazarene Pilgrimage, you helped us to discover hidden strengths and spiritual depths within ourselves, to build a new relationship of trust and acceptance with our Creator. Fourth, today you have given me, perhaps unwittingly, but characteristically the chance to acknowledge in this supportive community what I need to state publicly but can no longer do in any other way, due to the changes in the Family Law Act- that is, the resolution of this period of crisis- and to celebrate the reintegration of myself within a new stage of my life and spiritual journey, to affirm the finality of not only the legal divorce but also the emotional separation from that past relationship.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Case study ten: the trauma of divorce Ten years down the road of forgiveness and healing, it is somewhat difficult to recall the process of it all. To let me get the memories flowing, let me share briefly about who I was: As a child, I was shy, insecure and I had no real idea of my potential. Then in my teenage years I didn’t cope with the competition of high school nor the transition to work at 15 years old- I had what is commonly called a nervous breakdown. At the age of 21 when I made my wedding vows, I was idealistic, naïve and still very insecure. Even so, in all that, I knew that the commitment I was making was for life. Also at that time I really believed that our marriage was ‘of God’. Like all marriages there were very rocky patches where each of us learnt the give and take of a relationship. I now know that to cope with life I developed a mask of ‘nothing is wrong’, we are ‘story-tale happy’. Nine years of marriage. Three sons. A move to another town. A successful kidney operation. Then my world fell apart with the news from my husband that he wanted to leave me… giving no reason. For three months, I struggled with that information. I planned my death. Contemplated taking my children with me. Begged God for my rescue. Lay prostrate in front of the church alter asking God to do His will in my life. With the eight tablets a day that the doctor had me on, I struggled for that three months to survive… to continue as if my husband hadn’t said those words; then one day an overdose seemed the only way to relieve the pain. I rang my minister’s wife and by the grace of God, she responded quickly to my call. Out of the confusion of that day God gave me a ‘word of knowledge’, that my husband was having an

The secret out, my husband decided not to leave me so we moved to a new town to try and make a fresh start, but alas my husband didn’t seem to be able to handle my forgiveness and so his feelings of guilt (I believe) drove him to have another affair… this time I took up alcohol (along with the tablets) to get me through, however, before I knew it I was an alcoholic. Approximately three years after my husband first said he was leaving, he finally moved out. This was just before our 13th Wedding Anniversary. Alone with the responsibility of raising three sons. With the mask of ‘happily ever after’ torn away, I felt naked before the world. One of the first things I did was to flush all my tablets down the toilet and stop drinking alcohol… this drastic action, along with the tremendous shame and grief meant I spent very little time sleeping. When I wasn’t weeping alone in bed at night, I was writing poetry (something I had never done before). Also, I listened to all the Christian tapes I had, thinking they were just a comfort… but now I know that during that time I was renewed my mind with the truth. During the day, I kept myself busy, so as not to think and so life could be reasonably ‘normal’ for the boys. Oh, the bitterness and resentment I felt as I struggled through that time, and how the poison of those feelings poured out of me (sugar coated of course). I did everything in my power to make things difficult for my husband and to make him pay for what he had done. At one stage I even wrote to the Prime Minister… it sounds funny now but it wasn’t then, it was pure hate.

affair and with whom.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Then by the grace of God I attended a Healing

what a joy to be able to speak to them

Service where I went forward not really

without trying to get back. Just to let you

knowing what to ask for, but God knew what I

know the process is not a rapid one, it

needed and I was baptized in the Holy Spirit

took me approximately three years after

and healed of my bitterness and resentfulness.

that revelation of love to be ready to

With those two burdens off my back, I was then

wholly forgive my ex-husband and to

able to start to look at my life a little more

apologise for my bitterness and anger.

clearly and with the direction of the Holy Spirit,

Words just can’t express the freedom I felt

I spent the next seven years of my life working

when I was able to write that letter.

through the hurts and the areas of unforgiveness and rejection.

God has been dealing with me for approximately ten years now, never giving

I cannot remember the healings in

me more than I can cope with at any one

chronological order; however, following are the

time. He’s changed my feelings of

things that the Holy Spirit and I dealt with

inferiority into feelings of self-worth

(please note that all my healings were a process

through the blood of Jesus Christ. He’s

not an instantaneous magic wand affair). Love.

changed by insecurities into sureness of

Did you know it is possible to be raised in a

who I am in Him; an heir of the Kingdom

loving home and not know you are loved? Well

of God. He has changed my unforgiving

that’s what happened to me. All my childhood I

nature, especially in the area of divorce,

strived to ‘be good’ so that I would be loved. All

into the forgiving nature of Christ of the

my married life I pretended to ‘be happy’ so

Cross (this change will be continuous

that I could receive love.

throughout my life as other hurts occur).

Praise God about two years after my divorce I

Years and years of changes, putting away

went through a really rough patch of not

childish behaviours and reactions, being

sleeping, of crying, of soul searching into my

set free from the past, taking down

past. I spent masses of energy blaming

unwanted masks, facing reality (God’s

everyone for the lack of love in my life, my ex-

truth), overcoming loneliness, and learning

husband, my parents, my teachers… everyone I

to take up the Cross and follow Jesus.

could think of was accused. Then one Sunday morning (after three weeks of absolute torture)

In all this I still continued to struggle with

I was crying to God that no-one ever loved me

the guilt of divorce. Many, many hours

unconditionally and as clearly as anything I

spent talking the divorce issue through,

heard- ‘the trouble with you is not that you

then God in His time, ten years down the

haven’t been loved unconditionally, but you

road, led me to read a book “Marriage,

haven’t received unconditionally.’

Divorce, Remarriage” by Jay E Adams, which answered all my seemingly

Wow! I couldn’t believe it. I had been the cause

unanswerable questions. Now I can praise

of my own troubles all along. That revelation

God again for He has once again set me

was so exciting for within seconds I knew I was

free, this time from the guilt of divorce.

loved and I didn’t have to do a thing to earn it.

This might help the reader- divorce has its

Then the work began. I had to go back through

roots in sin but not all divorce is sin. To

my life and forgive all those I had misjudged. I

conclude let me say I would not have

wrote letters of thanks to my Sunday school

missed one episode of my hurts and

teachers, letters of apology to those I had

heartaches; none of the suffering, for each

resented and to those I couldn’t contact for

of them has brought me closer to the

some reason or other, I wrote then destroyed

heart of God.

the letters. My parents of course I spoke to,

Caring in times of loss and grief

Case study eleven: experiencing separation and divorce- what I've learnt

paying me a compliment (back-handed it might be) because she felt she could discuss the problem with me saying “but you’re different”- I might have been, but my children still are from a divorced home! And the remark caused me much pain then- I can look at it a little more reflectively now.

(Used with permission South Australia Family Ministries Commission)

The other perennial was the discussion of divorce in relation to the church and its

To be quite fair, there’s not much that I wished

teachings. The opening remark of such a

people hadn’t said- and most of that occurred

discussion has usually been “but when we

in the early stages of separation.

married we knew divorce couldn’t even be considered” … the assumption following

Because my situation involved a neighbour

on appeared to be “therefore our marriage

calling herself ‘friend’, there were therefore

was going to work”, and "of course our

particular stresses which had to be considered

marriage is a good one- we go to church”.

by me before I could talk with understanding

Although these issues were frequently

friends who were also near neighbours! A tight

debated with honesty, they sometimes

and rather claustrophobic situation.

arose when people were threatened by the presence and expressed ideas of a

However, I think the biggest stumbling blocks I

divorced person. I found it best to keep

encountered were those of hesitancy,

quiet in some of these discussions and

uncertainty and the desire to remain

learnt much about humility in the process.

uninvolved- and this was the one which hurt the most. I feel we human beings are so afraid

This whole question of divorce and the

of being hurt physically and/or emotionally that

church caused us as a couple much grief-

we miss so many opportunities for comforting

we certainly hadn’t considered divorce

others. Thankfully most people realised my

when we’d married 14 years earlier- I

driving need to talk- I didn’t always need

probably barely dared to voice the word.

answers- and to this end friends were

For us it was a slowly-growing recognition

invaluable.

that a divorce would have to occur- the decision took 4 years to solidify and was

Hesitancy and uncertainty arose when people

brought to a head by a neighbour's affair.

didn’t quite know how to confirm whether or not a separation had occurred. I have since

Goodness, what did I wish that people had

wondered whether they were afraid of being

said- I can’t really answer that because so

rebuffed more than they were concerned about

many good, nice, comforting and helping

upsetting me. Once the separation had been

things happened- I think they’re answer

confirmed though, most people became more

enough. One thing which amazed me

positive in their attitude towards me.

(because it’s occurrence was just so

The one sentence, though, which stung deeply,

unexpected) was the compassion and

was “I don’t want my children to become

understanding of the men I knew- I hasten

involved with other children from divorced or

to add- husbands of friends- but they were

separated homes”. The friend who said this was

friends in their own right too. This was

Caring in times of loss and grief

against all I’d ever heard any divorced people

My biggest enemy on this journey has been

mention. The typical remark was “men are all

fear- not guilt. I felt some guilt initially at

rotters”- I had it soundly disproved and didn’t

leaving the children without a father in the

believe it anyway.

house. But since I really knew the separation would benefit us all, I had to take courage by

Some (men) would arrive just to chat, others to

the throat and act. There is sadness

chop wood, clean the gutters out (this I could

connected with it all- in that two people who

never manage!) sometimes to have a drink, but

do love their children cannot live together-

mostly just to chat- and I found this marvellous-

the atmosphere would be detrimental to

especially to be able to enjoy pleasant male

their development. However, the peace and

company and feel at ease. This was like a gift-

contentment and ultimate happiness has

I simply hadn’t expected it. One friend would

also been a gift. I feared that this may not be

arrive, engulf me in a bear hug and leave- no

mine- but as I’ve gradually come to terms

words were needed- the compassion was so

with the problems and tackled them, and

healing. People were remarkably consistent in

have my own needs—as well as those of the

their concern and it gradually became easier

children—letting some things go and not

for us all to speak openly and we, I think, learnt

possessing (children, goods, money and

to do so thoughtfully, with care but still with

ideas), I healed.

honesty. This was very valuable learning for me. So many events happened which I can’t We (the children and I) have been rejected by

explain in any way except to say that I felt

none of our friends- there are those we are

protected- I had messages and dreams which

closer to than others, but no outright rejection

appeared when I needed them- God was

has occurred. I think in such a situation one has

obviously guiding me. That was extraordinary

to take care and see who does the rejecting

to me!

too- for often it is the divorced/separated person who assumes- wrongly that they have been rejected (frequently by married individuals). Indeed, old bonds have been strengthened too and misunderstandings cleared.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Article 1: on the death of a partner The following are reflections on the experience of those who have lost a partner, but also relate to other experiences of death. They have been compiled by groups of widows and reflect a variety of situations from which they came.

Areas of help experienced Before death Half the sample group knew of their husband’s impending death and spoke of help that is needed. When the husband needed to attend hospital in the city when coming from a country town, friends were needed to drive the couple to the airport and meet them on return. In the city, two wives stayed at the local Cancer Support House, which is near the hospital. Being with people in similar circumstances there was the freedom to say, “the day was dreadful” or “it was a better day”. It was found helpful to have someone bring in a sandwich when the wife is sitting by her husband’s bedside during the last days as it is an effort to go looking for something to eat and takes time away from your husband. One husband died during such a time and the wife carried guilt on leaving him. Help offered before a person becomes widowed cannot be over-estimated. Sitting in the hospital is hard work, and sometimes, for the wife it is difficult to accept that death is imminent.

At the time of death Those with church affiliation spoke of help from their ministers and members of the church. At some hospitals, the social worker can be of significant help. Those who live in a country town spoke highly of the local funeral director who came to the home and arranged many of the details. He gave loving and caring help. At the funeral, he had a book for family and friends to sign and went out of his way to direct the family in the service. In the country people are usually known so there can be a more personal approach, whereas in the city the crematorium is so business-like—discussing the height and cost of the plaque on the wall —there is no personal help. Also appreciated was… Practical support given by the coordinators in clarifying funeral arrangements, so that those bereaved are not left alone to make these decisions in a situation where they are practically vulnerable. Such arrangement included being available to answer questions relating to costs, and explaining the different options available in burial. Those supporting the bereaved suggest that the bereaved have a time to view or be with the body, if appropriate, so that acceptance of the death may begin and the process of healing aided.

Caring in times of loss and grief

There are documents to be signed immediately with details needed, such as the husband’s mother and father and mother’s maiden name. it is important for wives to know beforehand where birth certificates and important papers are kept. The funeral director asked: “How many copies of the death certificate did you want?” it is difficult to accept at the time, but each found later they needed more than two copies. Also, arrangements are needed regarding time of funeral, flowers, even what words are to be placed on the headstone. The decision needs to be made whether it is to be a church service or a service in the Funeral Parlour. One member of the focus group stated, “the service is for the living, not for the dead”. Members of the focus group felt it was important when someone asked: ‘have you dealt with…’ but did not to take over, as the newly widowed need specific things to do soon after the death. Those whose husbands had suffered illness felt at peace at the time of death. Friend and neighbours offered immediate support with help in the house: ironing, cooking, and cleaning. They brought food which was of great assistance because each had family or friends staying or popping in. Following the funeral, church people provided afternoon tea and then gave what was leftover to the family. Others found friends provided lunch at home. In some instances, others tried to take charge and tell the widow what to do and what she should tell her children to do, e.g. where the children of the house went out and played ball (to work off some of their grief) some tut-tutted and asked if she was going to allow them to do so. Society demands certain things to happen on the death of a spouse and each felt they had obliged. There seemed little difference between the support of church friends and community friends during the immediate time following the death.

In the weeks following death - The group members appreciated a weekly phone call or visit to enquire if there are practical things to do or just a chat to allow the bereaved to talk about her husband, the children or anything else on her mind. The members noted it takes time- and that carers shouldn't expect you can make a five minute call. - If involved in Church make sure the widow and family are invited to various activities, children link with activities of their age group. A problem may arise with transport to a night activity as mother may not be able to take the child to and from the activity and leave younger siblings in the home alone, especially if past their bedtime. - Babysitting children to allow mother to attend to business affairs, e.g., banks, solicitors, social security.

Caring in times of loss and grief

In the months following death There was much help and support in the first week or two but then most were left on their own as people dropped off suddenly as they think you are surviving, which makes for a great feeling of loneliness. It is during these months that each widow needs to talk her grief over and over again and it is often months after the death that they feel very down and inadequate, although often presenting an image of self-sufficiency. Friends from whom was expected ongoing support did not offer while others became closer friends during

There was much help and support in the first week or two but then most were left on their own as people dropped off suddenly as they think you are surviving, which makes for a great feeling of loneliness.

this time- each member having only a few close friends they could really turn to. The focus group members suggested that time should be taken during this period to go for a week’s holiday to ‘cry it out’. When there has been time to prepare for death, the grieving time is lessened. There is still a constant feeling of being only a half instead of a whole and quality and ongoing support is needed. Members of the group noted is difficult for some widows to ask for help as they have needed to prove they are coping. They noted it is also difficult to talk with strangers for the first time about their husband’s death, but also mentioned is also okay to let the tears flow.

Years later The Church needs to realise that it takes at least two years to go through grief and that healing is not immediate, Help and support, particularly in the form of time to listen, is most important to help the person through their grief. Through repeating their story over and over again, they are trying to accept what has happened and work their new life out. The widows in the sample group noted the importance of maintaining interest in the widow’s children in the following ways: - Guidance vocationally: Getting alongside of a child to discover interests. Perhaps there are folk in the church that can assist- again time is needed. The widows in the group noted their appreciation when others took the time to make sure their child was happy in his/her employment or place of study, or gave practical advice in use of finances. A young person will often take the advice from an outsider more than from his/her own family. - A male figure is often required on the following occasions if no family member available: o Church membership/Confirmation o Important birthdays (21st) o Time of marriage- girls to be ‘given away’. U.C.A Liturgy helps overcome this.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Personal needs experienced Finances Widow's pensions The members of the focus group noted that if people do not know where to go they can miss out on help. It is often those not in the social services system- the strugglers- the young or the old, who have not claimed a pension even if entitled to one while the husband is alive. For them everything was alright last week, then suddenly nothing. Some of the members needed short-term widow’s persons and were in a state of shock when dealing with the Social Security in the first few weeks. Many found it difficult to take notice of what the questions were or to think rationally. They noted the importance of having someone who knows the situation to go with you and do some of the thinking for you. Also, many found that the word ‘widow’ was a new realisation and cannot be accepted immediately. In some Social Security offices, although quite pleasantly decorated, there can be up to 150 people at one time waiting for service. For a widow of a few weeks, it is easy to give up, particularly being just a number at the counter. Many of the members in this group were given preferential treatment, being taken into the manager’s office and helped through the questions quietly. This does not happen with the majority of people applying for the widow’s pension. Husband's business If the husband is self-employed there is need for someone to be employed until such time as decisions are made as to the future of the business or profession. The widow seems to be inundated with bills and it takes a while to get organised. Also, often there is no immediate money to meet expenses. Financial issues are very real for those handling it for the first time, and the widoes noted stress trying to budget for schooling, car, house, food, etc. One member stated she had been working full-time while her husband was ill and on a pension. Although they shared a joint bank account, when he died her amount of credit was dropped- “because she was a woman”. Investments For most of the women in the group, the husbands had handled all investments and so it was difficult to understand what they were being told by the Accountant or Bank Manager. Again, it is important to have someone you trust and who understands your needs to go with you. Legal Again, advice is needed often it is difficult to understand the legal terms. Also, when money is unavailable the widow can be made aware of Legal Aid Services.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Correspondence There is so much incoming and outgoing correspondence to deal with. Letters come for months addressed to the husband. Subscriptions have to be cancelled; explanations need to be enclosed with many letters. It is difficult to physically answer all the mail as well as return thanks. One member set herself four letters to answer daily and did not go to bed until completed. Although this is very tiring, it is still important to have to work through the return thanks as soon as possible. The first letters addressed “Mrs…” with their Christian name instead of the husband’s name or initial is a shock. (Although some women today may be using their maiden name when their husband was alive).

Practical In this particular group, the widows identified finding issues with some jobs in the house which had previously been done by the husband. Car Most husbands looked after the car. Trying to create a self-sufficient image most women do not like to ‘look silly’ saying “there is a funny noise”. Some may choose to attend a car maintanence course, and friends may be needed when there is a new car to buy or old car to sell. House repairs There are simple jobs such as putting in light globes, removing shades set in the ceiling, opening jars, fixing jammed doors that are often difficult to do, but frustrating and costly to have to pay for small jobs to be done. Many of the group members found it difficult to ask for help (reputable tradespeople could be suggested when this is appropriate). The widows in the group noted it was difficult to be on the receiving end all the time. In the first few weeks the widow is overwhelmed with help offered, but it's months later when she realises that help is needed but doesn’t like to ask. Widows noted the need to be asked to help others. Note: it was suggested that women should be more prepared for the practical side of the home but it could be difficult as men may feel their specific jobs are being taken away. The church could have a small group- perhaps retired people or younger people- who could offer time and advice in such areas as finance, law, mechanics, odd jobs, for widows. This could be seen as part of their ministry and can work both ways- help one another. Meals Most widows noted they do not enjoy cooking for one and look for anything that is quick, often having just snacks. One member spoke of a friend who would call in at meal time now and again to check she was eating properly. It is easy to eat with a tray on the knees, but it does not feel like a meal so can still feel hungry. Some members have returned to the fully set table and others still have children at home so have not faced this yet. It is difficult to be disciplined with meals.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Employment When the wife has not worked for many years, it is difficult to find work and cope with it while grieving. It has a high stress value calling for a complete change of lifestyle. Social activities For some time, widows may not be able to cope with some suggestions to get them out of the house. Sometimes it is important for another to organise something and arrange to pick her up at a specific time with always the opportunity being given for her to say ‘no’ and then this needs to be respected. The widows found there is a great difference in going out as one instead of two. Also all the widows in this particular group were often invited out with their husband to university or business functions. This immediately stops so they look to their family to visit or for them to come for a meal. Annual church dinners created a problem with sitting at tables. At one church dinner it was overheard the organiser, who was married, saying “We’ll put all the singles together”. Also, to go to any function it usually requires the widow to drive alone. Friends often do not know what to do with a person on their own at a dinner party and that person ends up being the 7th or 9th being tacked on. It is even worst when the hosts invite an extra male for dinner to even the numbers. Most widows in this particular group decided not to attend dinners if this was arranged, and were much happier just to be themselves with friends or family. Progressive dinners are easier to cope with, but in general the church finds singles difficult. One older group member stated that the community looks after the older widow through the Senior Citizens Clubs, Legacy Widows and the R.S.L. Club where opportunities are provided to mix with many who are widowed and so many friendships are made. It is far more difficult for younger women to feel part of or associate with such activities as their interests often differ from those present. The group members mentioned that sometimes married women friends have fear of widows as a threat to their marriage. Because women living on their own lack male company, they try to draw out the male viewpoint in company. Children of one family were worried that their mother had no company and everywhere they went they asked if there were any eligible men. Loneliness During the day, most widows in the group were either working or able to fill in the time. All turned to books, music, gardening and housework. At night loneliness was at times, acute. One elderly group member chose to sleep at her daughter’s home every night so she is not alone. Many discussed the difficulty is just being on your own, and of having no-one to discuss things with. Advice is sometimes needed from a man about practical things so one member stated she always asks her sonin-law as it could be awkward asking other men. All felt you need both men and women friends. Most churches give the feeling that they are

They are not sure of who or what they are- they still feel part of a family, but are seen as single..

family centred and descriptive names need to be looked at carefullyCouples Club, Family Camp etc. All these make widows feel more lonely and unwanted. They are not sure of who or what they are- they still feel part of a family, but are seen as single.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Barriers All people build up barriers to cope with day to day living but members felt they all used coping mechanisms to stave off the areas that were still hurting. One specific area was holding back tears in public. The younger members of the group felt that as most of their friends were married, they needed to create barriers between themselves and the husbands so the natural hug would not be misinterpreted. Having teenage children created barriers as the widow tries hard to be both partners and the responsibility weighs heavily. The widows noted that physically and emotionally time was needed to stop, but necessity makes mothers keep going. On the surface, people see the efficient, self-sufficient person, the coping person, but this often hides the grieving and aching. A number of members felt that in this lowest point they were given a different direction- God leading them into another area of life. We need to consider the advice offered here; Prof. Beverly Raphael (a clinical psychologist and an authority on grief) speaking to a group of widows after a traumatic accident, said “you can’t be both mother and father; you have to rely on male relatives and friends to provide the fatherly image for your family, especially for your boys.” The partnership had been their whole life so there is a great emptiness. The uncertainty of being ‘half a pair’ is paramount and so barriers are built up to cover up. For the widows in this group, it has taken two years or longer to experience wholeness. COMMENT: according to experienced grief counsellors, the appearance of calm and self-control often displayed by people in grief is almost certainly a sign that the opposite is the case.

Stages of grief The phases in grief vary from person to person and come at different times for different people. Those whose husbands suffered terminal illness felt they went through many of the phases together beforehand and could deal with them over a longer period of time. The following represents a fairly common pattern although not everyone goes through all the stages: 1. A period of shock, numbness, disbelief- there may be a tendency to deny what has happened; 2. A period of anger and guilt is likely to accompany this; 3. A time of depression- with feelings of hopelessness at first; 4. A growing acceptance of what has happened. These phases overlap each other considerably and the whole process varied from one year to two years and one group member took nearly seven years to know it was over. COMMENT: grief tends to be an isolating experience and people feel very alone. Much depends on the quality of support given through these stages of grief. Grief can be a turning point for good or ill, with the potential to become stronger with a deeper understanding of faith.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Physical During the time of early grief, one member experienced physical sickness- vomiting most nights. All stated their periods stopped and then varied for months until becoming regular. There seemed to be a greater number of visits to the doctor with physical ailments during the first year. Sleeping Sleeping was difficult for each member. One put books on one side of the bed to pull on the bedclothes to create the norm for her. Another suggested that during the sleepless nights she got up to read and so kept the bed only for sleeping. All read many books but could not retain what they had read. Another kept pad and pen by her bed to write down her thoughts and feelings while another wrote down problems, prioritised them and so got rid of them. Triggers All members discussed that so many things triggered feelings of grief. Special celebrations were the most difficult- the first birthday, Christmas, anniversaries- wedding and the death. The first person going through a similar experience, triggered the grieving pain and created the need to want to run away. There is a great sensitivity of mourning. The church needs to keep a diary of first anniversaries of the death of a partner and one or two members of the church call on that

When one member of the group was asked by the

person on the actual date. This is only needed

church to visit someone who

for 1-2 years. When one member was asked by

was recently widowed, part of

the church to visit someone who was just widowed, she explained that part of her cried out ‘I still need help’ but she still went as she had the coping exterior.

her cried out ‘I still need help’ but she still went as she had the coping exterior.

Sexual Since this sample group did not know each other before, this subject was difficult to discuss. All expressed the fact that sexual sensations and needs seemed to stop all the time of death, but for some appeared strongly months later. Sexual suggestions on T.V. or in books caused physical pain with no way of alleviating this distress. Individual widows shared the need to stop this distress. Three stated the need to masturbate. Another two found that studying Behavioural Science gave them the understanding that it was okay, the figures being very high for those on their own to relieve this stress by masturbation. A number were carrying heavy guilt feelings even thinking they might do this. Nowhere had the church addressed this problem. One tried to talk to her male minister who looked embarrassed and changed the subject, so she backed off. Education is needed for pastoral carers and hopefully wider groups of the church to help church members better relate to the widowed. A study could be held on “the Christian Understanding of Human Sexuality”.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Article 2: helping ourselves when we experience loss (Originally produced by the South Australia UCA Family Ministries Commission) A group of people who had been through the experience of loss brought about by death or a disrupted relationship, have identified some of the things that they did for themselves at that time. They are offered here as some starter ideas that others may like to try. They have grouped them according to the kind of need which was met for them or for the stage of grief where they were useful. Anyone using these suggestions must be sensitive to the reality that these are only suggestions from experience. They are not intended as a program to work through, but as awareness raising possibilities.

Basic needs The group found it helped if they did the following: - Set one task at a time and achieved it, such as feeding ourselves for the day, doing the washing, cleaning, even getting out of bed at a certain time. - Established a simple daily routine that gradually took care of the basic things. - Had the care of our children, if they were still at home. - Talked to our doctor about our feelings of grief, lack of sleep, tensions and asked for medical help for a while. - Asked a close friend to help us look for somewhere to live (if we needed to find somewhere). - Asked for practical help when we needed it, such as shifting furniture, packing/unpacking, a bed to sleep in for a while until there was somewhere to live, changing a light globe, cleaning a drain, babysitting time while we shopped or went to the doctor. - Responded positively when someone invited us for a meal, without feeling we had to return the favour (one person had a regular Friday evening meal with another family in their home for a number of weeks).

Safety/security needs The group found it helped if they did the following: - Rang up members of our family and/or close friends regularly to just hear their voices and know they cared, rather than waiting for them to ring us. - Found one or two people who were willing to listen when we needed to talk, especially when we were able to say, “I would like an hour of your time (or less or more) when it suits you to talk about…” (a specific issue). - Asked a close friend if we could ring up at any time if we felt we needed to talk. - Didn’t rebuff people who “just dropped by” to visit us, unannounced. - Kept our job if we had one, and concentrated on the job during the day OR - Found a job or other way of having some financial security if necessary.

Caring in times of loss and grief

- Took on only one new task at a time, rather than trying to tackle everything at once. - Explained to people that when they visited us, our children might ‘behave abominably’ because of their inability to cope with their own loss. - Slept on the other side of the bed from the one we were used to with our partner, or changed to a single bed, so we didn’t expect the other person to be there. - Went regularly to church (especially where there was an accepting caring congregation).

Belonging needs The group found it helped if they did the following: - Found people we could be with at night, over weekends, and holidays during the lonely times. - Belonged to an accepting congregation who included us in social and camping activities. - Mixed with positive, happy people. - Identified different people who could be invited to share different experiences with us (swimming, walking, films, dancing, concerts, fetes, protest marches, shopping, visits to places) so that we didn’t just depend on one person or family to the exclusion of others. - Invited a few people to come for a meal, and bring food to share, or invited a group. - Did a course where there were people facing similar things. - Accepted people’s offers to do things for us, such as giving us a birthday party. - Forced ourselves to go out where we could meet people, rather than shutting ourselves away. - Went to a study group series, or a spiritual retreat. - Had someone as a boarder, if alone, so there is someone to care for and give company.

Self-esteem needs The group found it helped if they did the following: - Wrote down the “good” things we’d done in a day or even each day for a week, so we could feel pleased about what we’d achieved. - Accepted the positive feedback we’d been given and believed it, (for example, “You’ve done well”, “You did that well”). - Wrote down a contract with ourselves, describing some actions we wanted to take, or some new ways of behaving, and ticked off things as we did them. - Read a book that helped us to realise we were going through a normal process (for example, “Good Grief” or others on the attached book list). - Accepted that the past is over, and decided to live in the present and plan the future. - Wrote down the words that identified our feelings and compared our lists at different times to see how we’d changed/grown etc. e.g. how we felt at the same time last year. - Accepted the love and positive feedback given by our children and enjoyed it.

Caring in times of loss and grief

- Asked a family to visit in the daytime with their children for afternoon tea or a picnic in the park. - Realised that we all make mistakes, but we can be forgiven and begin to do things differently. - Went to our minister or a trained counsellor to test out our own perceptions about ourselves. - Laughed at ourselves. - Had a party to celebrate moving into a new phase of living- a new year of life, a new home, Christmas, birthday, a new job. - Did something symbolic to recognise a new stage of growth, such as a name change, removal of wedding ring, a “goodbye” ceremony, compiling a “My life” photo album. - Took on a new challenge (perhaps with others helping) and gave ourselves a ‘pat on the back’ for doing it well or better than before.

Self-actualising needs The group found it helped if they did the following: - Prayed regularly. - Consulted a counsellor to check out whether we had thought the action or issue through carefully enough. - Decided to move in a positive direction, with the past behind. - Accepted responsibility for our own actions, past and future, rather than blaming others or God. - Regularly meditated or did Bible Study with the help of a book or spiritual guide. - Helped or listened to someone in a similar situation. - Kept a journal (daily or weekly) of our activities, feelings and of our dreams, and we wrote down the actions these seemed to suggest we could take- trying some or one of these and recording the results (that is, deliberately reflecting on our experience to see what that implied for the future). - Participated in a spiritual retreat that helped us to set new goals. - Decided on what we wanted to do in the future by listing possibilities, setting priorities, or listing “fors” and “againsts” of a possible future situation. - Used a meditation such as “Lord Jesus Christ” (4 syllables while breathing in) “Have mercy” (three syllables breathing out) at any time when we needed help with our feelings of anger and depression. These are just a few ideas arising from personal experience. You may find other things help you and feel you would like to share those with others.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Article 3: the grief of miscarriage For most women, becoming pregnant is accompanied by a time of emotional upheaval, with changes taking place both physically and psychologically. Feelings of joy, fear, a desire to reject/accept the confirmation of pregnancy, irritability, tearfulness, happiness or pride may be experienced. There may be a total investment of herself in the new role, and in becoming preoccupied with the baby to be born; a woman may isolate herself even from the people she loves. Motivations for a women becoming pregnant vary. Some are: to fulfil a ‘natural’ function, to please her husband, to improve or secure a faltering relationship, to please her parents who want grandchildren, to replace some great loss that has occurred in her life, to have someone to love. Keeping these motivations and feelings in mind may help a person to appreciate more fully some of the added traumas, the disappointments, the shattered hopes that the person having a miscarriage may experience. Many deep feelings are expressed and one needs to be conscious of the fact that the father and the other children in the family may be experiencing grief also. These quotes have been compiled by Rev. Janet Wade-Main. The following excerpts show how some people felt about their miscarriage:

“If only I had known what was happening or what to expect. I lost so much blood… and the pain! Everyone talks about what happens when you are pregnant but noone talks about what happens what something goes wrong!” “People would come to see me and wouldn’t mention what happened- I desperately wanted someone to talk about it with me.” “It’s when I go home… that’s what I’m dreading… that’s when I really have to face it… and everyone else.” “You feel so bad when you go home. There’s the empty room and all those things you’ve bought.” “This is my third one… my only boy is 12 and last Christmas my husband nearly died with asthma… why couldn’t God let me keep it- it makes you nearly lose your faith.” “All my friends are having babies at the moment and Tom would love a child. He keeps picking up and cuddling all the babies he sees. And I can’t carry one- I just feel so inferior.” “I’d rather have six births than one miscarriage.”

Caring in times of loss and grief

“I thought- not again. The moment there was some show I went to bed. The doctor kept me there for a week- but it was no use.” (Third miscarriage) “The doctor said it’s the Lord’s way of saving you from having a baby that’s deformed in some way- God knows best.” “I feel so inadequate and unworthy. Men just don’t realize what a big thing it is.” “The minister came to see me- I think he’d come to see someone else and heard I was there. He just prayed with me.” (In a tone that said, ‘I really wanted more than that’) “Whenever I hear someone else has had one, I ring them up or go to see them right away.” “My sister came to see me and said, ‘stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You can try again.’” “When I went to church the next week nobody mentioned it- but most of them knew. They just said ‘Hello, how are you?’ as though nothing had happened.” “I was mad at David. He insisted we go down to the snow that week and the road was rough. Sometimes I think if I hadn’t lost the baby, she’d be ten years old now.” “One good thing about it- Bert got such a shock he couldn’t do enough for me. Our relationship has been much better since.” Young girl, waiting in hospital- laughing she said “I wish they’d hurry up and get rid of it- if you’ve lost it, you’ve lost it.” “Not everyone is sad to lose it. We just couldn’t afford another child and if that hadn’t happened I’d have to try to get an abortion.” And then later in the conversation, “make sure you mention guilt.” “There has to be a funeral.” “We had two children, one died at an early age, then there were two miscarriages, then our next baby was born, we were terrified something would happen to it.” “I had just come home from hospital and someone sent Gary the book ‘How to be a better father’ for his birthday. It was quite unintentional- this other person didn’t even know about the miscarriage, but he was really hurt and upset.”

Caring in times of loss and grief

Article 4: the experience of widowhood Five case studies The comments made in the situations below are in response to the following questions: 1. In what ways was the Church helpful at the time of the death of your husband? 2. Were there people in the Church who helped you at the time of your bereavement a. Spiritually b. Emotionally c. Practically e.g. provision of a meal, phone call or visit to see your immediate needs. 3. Have church people maintained contact with you a. Regularly (at least once a month) b. Irregularly c. Not at all 4. Has anyone offered to give practical assistance on a. Car repairs or advice on what is needed b. Reputable tradespeople c. Offered to take your children for a day and give you a break d. Assisted your son(s) with "manly tasks"

Situation A Background

Husband’s death 6 years ago. Widow and her parents are active church members. Widow left with three children at the time of husband’s death- boy 13, boy 10, and girl 8.

Children

The eldest boy showed a lot of anger at losing his father. He turned to his school peers and was challenged by them. Within a month he came under the hand of the law as he was involved in a car theft. After Year 10 at school he commenced apprenticeship. He had three different jobs, living at Katherine now and has turned to the church again for support. Ten year old boy showed anger to a lesser degree. Today at 16 he needs a strong male figure that can identify and encourage him to stay at school as he has the potential for university study. Eight year old daughter lacked confidence and showed signs of insecurity at time of father’s death. Has become more stable and close to her mother.

Comment

At time of death church folk were very supportive emotionally, spiritually, and practically. One man tried to be supportive to the teenage boy but the boy was very resistant and didn’t accept his advice readily.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Situation B Background

Husband died 8 years ago. Parents not actively involved in Church. Mother has phases of coming to church. Sends children to youth fellowship. Children: boy 7, girl 5. Very sad situation. Father an only child. Mother had one brother but he died hence the children have no cousins on father’s side. His mother was a widow and remarried. Stepfather doesn’t readily accept his step grandchildren. Mother’s parents- her mother is an invalid and father doesn’t keep good health, as such children’s mother (who has to work to maintain the family) also has responsibility for her own parents.

Children

The now 15-year-old son influenced by peer pressure and stopped just short of car theft. At time of death church very helpful, especially spiritually. Only two people have maintained contact with her even though she has had two major operations and children had to be minded by friends. Boys need strong male role model who can give direction and encouragement, especially in determination to continue at school.

Situation C Background

Parents attended church irregularly before husband’s death 4 years ago. Girl aged 16, boy 13. At the time church was very supportive but as the years have gone on, there has been little checking on her needs. This same widow lost her father and sister in the last 18 months. Together with her husband, all three were cancer victims.

Children Mother found it hard to relate to the children. At the time of her husband’s death, this widow’s son would have been greatly helped if he had had a strong male person who could have counselled him. One church family took the son with their three boys for a week’s holiday. Prior to that he hadn’t had a holiday. Also involved with a group of boys who used him as the ‘stooge’ in shoplifting. The mother, who was visiting her sister daily because she was dying of cancer, had thought that her son’s friends were alright and was horrified when contacted by a department store about her son.

Comment Where could she get help from? Apparently no males in church group that boy would even talk to. At present moment needs someone who can steer him vocationally as he is in Year 12 at High School.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Situation D Background

Husband’s death 3 months ago. Not a church member but used the service of the church at the time of death. Girl aged 14, boy 12, boy 9, girl 7.

Comment

Church girls and neighbours very supportive but she has no family in Australia. The widow’s parents are not living; her in-laws immigrated to Australia and live nearby. The grandmother is very supportive but grandfather has drowned his sorry is drink and now has a problem.

Support network The widow has had help from a support group whilst nursing her husband at home until he died. She is worried about the future and what it will involve in raising four children on her own.

Situation E Background Husband’s death 9 years ago. Children: girl 5, boy 2 at time of husband’s death.

Children Five months after their father’s death the children were sitting on their grandfather’s knee as he read to them, when he had a heart attack and died.

Comment At the time of both these family deaths, widow received tremendous support from church groups and families. She felt her children had coped well and adjusted without a father. She was not prepared for the bitterness and anger than was expressed by her son at about 9 years of age (and which still remains) as he lashed out about not having a father. Hurts were expressed as kids at school made such comments as “you can’t play cricket- or whatever- because you haven’t got a father to teach you”. This has been partly resolved as this boy now plays hockey in the community and in a school team. Support from church at time of death but seldom had practical offers of help or advice, however did have very strong family support and encouragement.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Article five: young people hurt tooministering to the bereaved Author, Christine Gapes was awarded an M.A. (Hons.) in 1983 by Macquarie University. This article is an abstract from her thesis, first printed in “MINISTRY” Journal- No.22, March 1986 “When Mrs. Hutton (Sunday School Teacher) died, I just broke down and cried, and kept asking myself why her, of all people, she was just so kind and helpful like a second mum.” “I felt very sad, like something was eating into me, like I had lost an arm or a leg.” “Two accidents made me feel sick. The reality that the person was dead- it made me shiver.” The pain and anguish of young people confronted with death are expressed in the above quotes. Traumatic and

I felt like

sudden deaths (car and other accidents, suicide) are the

cursing God but

major causes of death for 15-19 year olds. The incidence of

couldn’t because

adolescent suicide is increasing. The figures do not consider the impact of parent death or bereavement through death

it wasn’t His

of friends and relatives. In the study mentioned below, 90%

fault. I hated

of members in seven youth fellowships had experienced the

myself for a

death of close family, friends or acquaintances. These deaths were usually unexpected and created considerable emotional distress for some young people.

while. I couldn’t talk to anyone

Adult psychiatric and physical illness (depression, attempted suicide, heart attacks) have been linked with childhood bereavement (Birtchnell, 1972). In adolescence, an increased tendency to acting out in delinquency, extramarital pregnancy or school problems are associated with bereavement. Dr Raphael, Professor of Psychiatry at Newcastle University, suggests adolescents may be vulnerable in a bereavement situation and need special help for resolving their grief. In 1981, I interviewed seven adolescents, aged 12-18 years, their mothers, youth group leaders, ministers and at least one significant friend. In six cases, the father had died (cancer and heart attacks). In the seventh case, a sister of the bereaved adolescent had died in a car accident. In addition, members of the youth group associated with each bereaved adolescent completed a questionnaire on attitudes to death, bereavement, mourning customs and the interaction of the youth group to the bereaved. I investigated how well the youth groups supported the bereaved adolescents. Unfortunately, in most cases, the church community failed to adequately support the young person. Few were enabled to express their grief or to work through faith issues raised by the death. Yet there were a few signs of hope which indicate active intervention can help young people confronted by death. What can the minister or a caring community do when a young person experiences the death of a significant person in their lives? In pastoral calls, some attention must be paid to children and adolescents. All the ministers interviewed developed a caring relationship with the widow; spending considerable time in pastoral calls which helped the widow adjust to the loss of her husband. Only in one situation were the children and adolescents included.

Caring in times of loss and grief

“Grant” claimed just being with his family as they talked with the minister was helpful. One cannot assume that information or help given to the widow alone will be communicated to the children. Several widows deliberately shielded their children from ‘unnecessary upset’ by refusing to cry in front of them and by not discussing the death. Adolescents often did not know specific details of the manner of death, especially if the death occurred in hospital. Their active imaginations supplied more gruesome details than the facts. Some preparation for the funeral is essential if adolescents are to benefit from this important service. Most adults in the study evaluated the funerals as helpful. Adolescents, some attending their first funeral, found the experience very difficult. Feelings of confusion, sadness, anger and withdrawal dominated. It was an unhappy experience for many who were deeply affected but suppressed their emotions. Few felt a ‘sureness of hope’. Perhaps some discussions before and after the funeral would help adolescents explore the significance of the rituals, and to express their reactions. This discussion should be extended to the youth group if members also attended. Adolescents require a significant person who will provide support which assists them to evaluate the loss experience. Such evaluation would process the negative implications of the bereavement such as a future career choice, financial insecurity and family changes. ‘Adina” was able to explore the meaning of death, express her emotions and evaluate her faith with the aid of her fellowship counsellor.

A cautionary note… the effectiveness of the group leaders in the bereavement situation was restricted by their lack of leadership training, lack of experience with bereavement, personal involvement in the death and the nature of the group.

One leader who witnessed the death resisted my visit to the group, yet this group invited me back for a fuller discussion because they were so concerned to talk about the death. The minister, counsellor, or pastoral carer must be aware of conflict and emotional distress created by crisis situations (not just death) and provides spiritual, emotional and social support to the bereaved adolescent, youth leader and group. The bereaved adolescents and those associated with the death were profoundly affected. In the rare examples where adults did help the groups to work through the physical, emotional and spiritual issues raised by the death, the bereavement situation provided opportunity for personal and group growth. It is imperative that those associated with youth groups recognise the potential fragmentation and disruption (personal and group) which can occur as a result of a crisis and therefore, take steps to help the growth. Group members requested three forms of death education: bereavement management, personal response and religious issues. Bereavement may become a crisis of faith for some young people. The minister can bring the spiritual, biblical and theological resources of the church to help young people deepen their faith. The resurrection hope is most meaningful in times of grief if the human expression of sorrow has been aided by caring members of the church community.

Caring in times of loss and grief

Grief and loss support services South Australia Griefline GriefLine offers loss and grief national telephone counselling service, anonymous support and specialist counselling services to individuals and families. All calls are confidential and free 1300 845 745, www.griefline.org.au, enquiries@griefline.org.au

Beyondblue Beyondblue is a national telephone support and information service, call 1300 4222 4636 or visit www.beyondblue.org.au forÂ more information

AnglicareSA AnglicareSA offers specialised loss and grief counselling service for people of all ages who are bereaved or experiencing other types of loss. The organisation offers individual counselling and family counselling, call (08) 8131 3400 or email lossandgrief@anglicaresa.com.au for enquiries about hours, fees and services Loss and Grief Camps: free weekend camps for bereaved children and young people who have lost a parent, sibling or other significant person. AnglicareSA offer two camps: Star Bear, for children aged 5-12, and Star Bound, for teens aged up to 17.

Bereaved through suicide Bereaved through suicide support group provides help and guidance to those grieving the loss of someone through suicide, including telephone counselling 8am-8pm 7 days a week and support group meetings, call (08) 8332 8240, email support@bts.org.au or visit www.bts.org.au

Centacare

Centacare offers counselling services for those confronted by loss and grief, along with practical support for people journeying through the grief process. Centacare offers individual, group, family and parenting counselling on a sliding scale according to income, and services are free to eligible clients. Visit www.centacare.org.au, call 08 8210 8200 or email enquiries@centacare.org.au

SANDS Australia

Sands Australia (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support SA) offers support for miscarriage, stillbirth and newborn death. Sands offer 24 hour telephone support though 1300 0 72637, menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s support line, online live chat support, local support groups in Glandore, Gawler/Barossa Valley and Mt Barker.

Good grief Good grief counselling service offers face to face grief and loss counselling for people in the Spencer Gulf region, call 0422 177 705

Caring in times of loss and grief

Lifeline Lifeline offers 24 hour grief and loss telephone counselling, and referral to other agencies and support groups, call 131 114 or visit www.lifeline.org.au

Positive life SA Positive life SA provides support, and a social drop in and health centre for people living with HIV. Positive life offers support groups, treatment information, complementary therapies, a volunteer program, forums and newsletters. Call (08) 8293 3700, email reception@hivsa.org.au, or visit www.hivsa.org.au

SIDS and Kids SIDS and Kids (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) provides bereavement support for all sudden deaths from conception to children up to six years of age, caused by SIDS, accidental death, fast onset illness, stillbirth or drowning. SIDS and kids provides emergency support, individual counselling and support group meetings. Call (08) 8332 1066, email adelaide@sidsandkidssa.org or visit www.sidsandkids.org.au for more information

Compassionate friends SA Compassionate Friends SA is a support organisation for bereaved parents regardless of age of child at death or manner of death, monthly support group meetings, information and resources. Call 0456 820 133 or email tcfsainc@outlook.com

CAMS CAMS is a free and confidential counselling service for children up to 18 years and their families, including individual, family and group counselling. Call Morphett Vale: 08 8326 1234, Port Adelaide: 08 8341 1222, Elizabeth: 08 8252 0133, Paradise: 08 8207 8999, Oaklands Park: 08 7425 8600.

Barossa Valley Solace Barossa Valley Solace provides monthly support for widowed persons experiencing the grief and loss of a loved one. The group provides grief counselling and monthly get togethers; call (08) 8562 3858 or email nvsnannapop@bigpond.com

Solace Solace is a not for profit organisation supporting those grieving over the death of their partner. Solace offers grief support groups, and telephone grief support. Call (08) 8272 4334 or visit www.solace.org.au

Grief's journey Adelaide Griefs journey Adelaide is a support group for those who have lost a spouse or life partner. For information on the group, call 0409 677 046 or email griefsjourneyadelaide@iinet.net.au

Caring in times of loss and grief

Further reading A grace disguised: how the soul grows through loss, by Gerald Sitzer A grief observed, by C.S. Lewis A grief sanctified: through sorrow to eternal hope, by J.I. Packer Be still, my soul: embracing God’s purpose and provision in suffering, By Nancy Guthrie Disappointment with God: Three questions no one asks aloud, by Philip Yancey Experiencing grief, by Norman Wright For these tough times, Max Lucado Getting to the other side of grief: overcoming the loss of a spouse, by Robert C. De Vries and Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge Good grief, by Granger E. Westberg Grief: learning to live with loss, by Howard A. Eyrich Hearing Jesus speak Into your sorrow, by Nancy Guthrie Helping those if grief: a guide to help you care for others, by Norman H. Wright Jesus calling book club discussion guide for grief, by Sarah Young Lament for a Son, by Nicholas Wolterstorff Ministering to the mourning: a practical guide for pastors, church leaders, and other caregivers, by Warren Wiersbe Rejoicing in lament: wrestling with incurable cancer and life in Christ, by J Todd Billings Suffering and the sovereignty of God, by John Piper and Justin Taylor Surprised by suffering: the role of pain and death in the Christian life by R.C. Sproul The problem of pain, by C.S. Lewis Through a season of grief, by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard

Caring in times of loss and grief