51 Tinder Dates

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Introduction Introduction Introductio I'm 23. I've never had sex and I just installed Tinder. However, my reasons for being on what is better known as a hookup app are completely harmless.

PG-13 make out sessions to stroke my lonely ego.

Boys feeding me enough alcohol and calling me pretty.

I just moved to Miami from India and what better way to start my new guy posse than a modern day meet cute. So much more effective than waiting for a cute boy who can string together two words and create a halfway intellectually simulating conversation to magically bump into you someday. However, Tinder is creepy unless you're a connoisseur like I've honed myself to become. You'll find tips to successfully get swiped right, Tinder bios I adopted as I grew on my online dating journey and bonus chapters whenever I went old school and met someone outside a screen the old fashioned way in this dramatic monologue of my dating life. Do I finally get laid? That's not the ultimate goal but hey if it happens, it happens. So I'm documenting every tinder date I go on till I hit 51 boys and if this book ends halfway you know the odds of meeting a serial killer.

This book is split into 3 parts. The dates are listed in chronological order and have little notes that sum them up. Although my dating disaster pattern remains the same I do change my perspective on men & Tinder throughout the book so reading it in order would probably help you decipher the mess in my head better.

You may begin swiping right through the pages.

doesn’t come easy but

does.

Some nights, I settle for feeling anything at all.

We all do.

I swiped right to: The Older Guy The Immature Douche The Sensitive One The Borderline Catfish The (Pre-Puberty) Bieber Lookalike The Almost Had Sex The Bad Timing The Australian The One Who Made Me Cry The One Who Made Me Hate NYC The One Who Was Supposedly Funny The Five Second One The One You Could Bring Home To Meet The Fam The Nicest One The Arsenal Supporter His First (Tinder Date) The Sugar Daddy Fail The Okay Date Bonus Chapter

I put the hot in psychotic.

(At least I have a honest disclaimer.)

Chapter One The Older Guy

What better way to start my Tinder adventure than with a guy who lived three floors above me. This could’ve either been a disaster with this book never seeing the light of the day or turn into a super convenient booty call, minus the booty. Well cuddle call, if thats a thing.

Pros: Owns a hot car. Owns a dog Cons: Older so probably expects sex minus the talking. Could kill me in my sleep Since he worked at a bar, I ended up going there with a friend, I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into with Tinder so I didn’t want to be stupid. I am not exaggerating when I said he made me the best flipping cocktail i’ve ever had…in Miami. I can confidently state that Chicago has stolen my heart with its sublime Jameson cocktails.

Chronological series of dates we had/ places we met: 1. Bar - His place 2. The park - His place 3. My place The End. Excuse me if I don’t describe most chapters with utmost fervor.…a pattern you’ll see being repeated throughout the book as I repeatedly put myself through the cycle of inviting guys over and then never getting texts back and wondering why.

The first date was pretty fun. We smoked some good weed, cuddled and I probably missed my class the next morning. No complaints except for his dog who licked my

The Older Guy face constantly and left me fending with dog hair everywhere.

By the second meeting I had two complete foot in my mouth situations and predicted that to be the premature end of my first ever Tinder dating experience.

1. Told him I had dined and dashed at some point only to realize that he bartended. He probably thought I was some entitled bitch and he asked me to go back and pay.

2. I called him mean and he asked me to “suck it up” so later when he told me how he lost all his pictures on his phone I asked him to “suck it up” only to know that he lost the only pictures of his best friend who passed away earlier that year.

The night ended with him sleeping through Interstellar while I left adamant not to miss class again.

The third time ended it because I was being crazy and I just needed someone to talk to and clearly thats not what a guy wants to do at 4 am so he basically left…not without asking me to tone my crazy down from a 12 to a 2.

Unfortunately I still have his t-shirt and I do not remember his apartment number and I’m pretty sure he’s not gonna tell me that so I’m just going to plague myself with bad karma until he finally decides to take it back. Our current scenario is civil text exchanges.. and occasional Instagram likes.

Update: He moved out. I threw the shirt away. He is now happy with someone else according to his Instagram.

4/10 Pros: Great bartender + dog + nice car + conveniently located.

Cons: Not enough of a take charge person / intellectually stimulating.

Chapter Two The Immature Douche “ I’m totally writing a book on you and you’ll be called Chapter Two. “ I laughed at my own humor, as always. Being sober sucks. I don’t really come off as a smooth talker if I’m not high. Alcohol makes me think I’m charming. Or at least makes me forgive myself for the stupid jokes I make. Number two, I told him I’d call him while trying to keep it vague and mysterious. Kinda like his Tinder bio which brings me to your very first tip on how to get swiped right.

Tip 1: Make sure your bio's interesting. If you're not straight up hideous I ALWAYS - click on a picture and read the bio - do some light Instagram stalking to assess creepiness Most bios are super funny and do actually change my entire perspective of the person prompting me to swipe right even if they don't have abs of steel.

I called him over at midnight after he did my photoshop homework for me. The thing about tinder guys is , if they start or continue conversation normally and talk about regular stuff you know that they’re not that desperate for a hook up. Chapter Two was engaging in his conversation and didn’t come off as a creep. It is so important for me to enjoy a conversation with someone before I enjoy other aspects of their personality. So I did what every normal sober person wouldn’t do - invited him over at midnight. Made it super specific that we were just going to “chill “ since my sore throat was still plaguing me for the last 2 weeks and I did not want to generously

The Immature Douche pass on my germs. And as expected his response to that was “ Sure, but I don’t fall sick that easy.” God, men will lead us to extinction someday.

He came over after I texted my roommates to make sure they were staying in for some part of the night. My biggest fear which is ironically my friends proudest joke is that I might probably die a virgin, and that’s horrifying. Like Hermione considering getting expelled worse than death. Made some light jokes about him being a serial killer and me being a serial killer before he got here - I think I’m overdoing the serial killer bit. Anyway, Chapter Two acted like an immature lil shit and doesn’t deserve my sarcasm or fame that might have come his way had he not blocked me on Instagram for no apparent reason. ( well I do post like 20 pictures a day because I love documenting my life, you’re reading a book about my dates aren’t you?) But I’m not gonna be a lil bitch and narc on the fact that he makes fake ids. He’s probably not very good at hiding it anyway if he’s going around telling his tinder dates who he never intends to talk to again about his dodgy business. Goodbye Chapter Two. You don’t deserve the time I can use to finish my whiskey instead. Although you were cute and we did have a really nice chat for 5 hours on my balcony where you said cheesy things to me and grabbed my bum occasionally in hopes of getting laid.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m cursed or probably in a social experiment who everyone is in on except me because a. no guy ever texts me back after a date b. sometimes I like upping the crazy and self sabotaging myself just to push these boys and see how far they can go before deleting me off my phone c. I’m crazy d. I need to start liking cats.

2/10 Pros: Knows Photoshop Cons: Blocked me on Instagram?!

Cold hearted

for your hot summer heart.

Chapter Three The Sensitive One By now the ideal meeting place for most of my tinder dates has been established as the balcony in my apartment. My roommates ensure I don’t get killed and my friends who come over for the alcohol and the view make sure that I have human buffers I can use incase the date is a disaster or the guy is downright creepy.

I don’t really have much to bitch or talk about Chapter Three mainly because he was nice and I was way too drunk. Things I can carry away from the night are : a.Beer, whiskey and orange peels in mason jars can fuck you up wonderfully b.Nobody checks your ID carefully after 3 am at bars in Miami (Yes, he was younger.)

Tip 2: Change your discovery preferences to ages 20 and however far you're willing to go.

I just realized most guys I swipe right are 20 - maybe pre-pubescent dip-shits are my type. We'll probably know by the end of this book.

He was funny and smart and cute and totally respected the fact that I did not want to have sex when he took me back to his apartment where I also have a tiny recollection of managing to break his bedroom door and continuing by telling him fascinating stories about walking into glass doors. I kind of get why I don’t get texts back. However, he patiently heard me ramble about my feelings for over what felt like hours, told me I was a good kisser and that I had nice eyes .. sometimes i amaze myself with my shallowness and details I remember when I am wasted which end up being only the ones that make me validate my existence. Well that was pretty

The Sensitive One much it until I exhausted him with my ramble and PG-13 make out session and got into an Uber. Now he doesn’t care about being witty and blowing up my phone with texts anymore.

Existential life question number 1: Why are guys allergic to texting?

Existential life question number 2: Why is texting such a big deal?

All I want is the guys I hook up with to text me a simple hey now and then just to assure me that they don’t think I’m completely fucked up. I’m not really looking for them to make future plans but sending a stupid text would be fine and not make me lose faith in humanity and the inconsequential shit they put importance in.

4/10 Pros: Witty, gave me compliments, invented delicious new cocktail Cons: Stopped texting, not old enough to drink

How do you tell someone you

them without making them

away from you?

Chapter Four The Borderline Catfish It was a dreary Monday night like any other. I was sipping chugging on my usual bottle of white wine. Wine plus Tinder actually makes you look at your matches the next day and go WTF but I guess that happens if you meet someone drunk in real life too. Bolstered by my recent success at not getting killed at Dates 1, 2 & 3 I thought I was smart enough to avoid being catfished. Thought of switching it up a little to go on an actual dinner date with Chapter 4 who sounded like a real gentleman only to be thwarted but now I would say saved by my friends who wanted to come over to the infamous balcony and drink on a monday night. So I continued the tradition of giving random strangers my address. I kinda had this intuition that something was going to horribly wrong and well‌he ended up looking like a deflated version of his picture which translates to not cute at all. I don’t want to be some vain heinous bitch who only wants men for their washboard abs and dreamy eyes but I do have certain expectations.

Tip 3: Pictures of really good abs make me and most girls swipe left. First, you look douchy. Second, I feel like you're trying to compensate for your obvious lack of personality. Third, I feel inadequate.. Even though I have a stomach you can play chess on...(a girl actually told me that one) but I would not want to put my abs out there before my wit or ill timed sarcasm.

So the reason why I did not end up kissing him was because he was..excuse my

The Borderline Catfish language..fucking boring. He was so boring, four large drinks gave me stress instead of whiskey goggles. Stress so evident my friends asked me what was wrong and I told them I needed the guy to leave. He was nice and not even the slightest bit inappropriate but I felt absolutely no connection at all. I know it’s not like I felt destined to be with 1, 2 & 3. Okay maybe a little with 3..and slightly with 2 after the first bottle of wine. Anyway, so when he told me his parking ticket was expiring and whether he should extend it ...*hint*, I gave him a pretty big one about leaving since I was going to do “ homework”. As life would have it , he was the only one who texted back. All night. All throughout the next day. Even a week later.

Probable Existential life answer 1: DO NOT put out ( in my case kiss) on the first date.

It is still about the chase.

Probable existential life answer 2: Maybe he has nothing and no one else going on for him which is why he's still blowing up my phone.

I still texted back because I’m sort of nice . Okay maybe not. But I’m definitely all about karma. I feel like not jilting people on texts will change my textual situation.

Plus I know how frustrating it is to not get a text back regardless of your sexual interest in the person.

Extra non Tinder info: I kissed a random British guy at a bar at 3 am when I was slightly wasted but not enough to forget why i did it:

a) Accent b) British Accent c) Alcohol duh d) He told me it was his last night and he hadn't kissed a girl in Miami yet e) I'm a selfless flawless bitch f) You're welcome

1/10 Pros: Only person to text me back Cons: CATFISH DUH, boring boring boring, too many texts

Chapter Five The (Pre-Puberty) Bieber Lookalike Even after Tip 2 i.e changing my age preferences I revitalized my cougar tendencies by swiping right to someone who looked half my age but could’ve worked for cute Instagram pictures. Plus it wasn’t like I was going to have sex with him and scar his childhood anyway. My only concern with this one was that he might have ended up being literally minuscule…let me rephrase that..shorter than me and then it’d just be awkward for him. God, I’m such a nice considerate person. This time I actually made plans to chill outside my apartment but my pending assignments bogged me down and I just wasn’t feeling up for anything except the comfort of my own unfurnished balcony. He came over, hesitant, apparently he had been catfished too so he was relieved to see I wasn’t straight up hideous. Yes, he was tall enough. We finished a bottle of wine, spoke about redundant life stuff, made out after which he expressed cliche statements like “ I really want to have sex with you.” “ I respect the fact that you don’t.” “ I’m not gonna be a douche that blocks you on Instagram or doesn’t text you back. “ To wrap it up, since I almost forgot about him until I saw the gaping blank under Chapter Five that I realized I had to complete, he never texted back. Although he’s still following me on Instagram so I’m not gonna make his voodoo doll replica and stick pins into it just yet.

2/10 Pros: I like company when I'm drinking wine on my balcony Cons: He was forgettable

Chapter Six The Almost Had Sex It’s been a month since my Tinder adventure began and I feel like I’ve grown as a person already. I’m not saying that because this was the first guy I contemplated having sex with but because I’m finally getting over all my previous Tinder dates.

I am now proud to say that I can successfully detach myself from any shenanigan that took place a night before without the urge to text the guy or obsess over why I didn’t receive a courtesy text the next day. These guys do not care and probably never will.

Tip 4: If you actually want something out of Tinder do not invite people over to your apartment. Plan a fun day out with them. Maybe you'll get a dinner out of it. Maybe you'll explore a new place. Bottom line: You'll have much more fun . I blanked out while writing the following chapters cause every date took place in the same scenario and I do not remember who said or did what after a level of alcohol consumption.

I met this guy at a bar . . .a new tinder milestone for me, with a friend of mine and it actually ended up being fun because we went bar hopping. Obviously by the time we got to second bar I kissed him cause he was adorable and I felt like I’d known him long enough for my standards. He came over later to watch Instagram the sunrise. My balcony is such a guy magnet. Sadly the chapter doesn’t end dramatically as the title suggests. I felt more than halfway comfortable to actually have sex with him. Maybe because he was so good with his hands but obviously

The Almost Had Sex nothing happened and I ended up throwing my shorts, narrowly missing his face as he left. BUT I did not text him or feel the urge to which is fabulous so now you can expect the remaining chapters to end differently!

Haha, you wish.

5/10 Pros: Cute. Canadian. Good with hands.

Cons: Was with an extremely old dude who tried to hit on my friend.

Left in the middle of the night.

Look what the

dragged in.

Chapter Six

1/2

The Bad Timing Unfortunately I had to be a colossal bitch and screen six and a half’s (haha, that sounds misleading) calls because he turned up at the same bar as Chapter Six because I wasn’t sure if Six was showing up so I invited him as backup. But Six did and he also saw me screen six and a half’s calls while I was talking to him so maybe that made me look more desirable to him in a twisted way…or a hoe. I never ended up meeting poor six and a half who actually came all the way at 2 am only to be ditched by someone he couldn’t find in a crowded bar. For all you enraged souls out there karma did bite me, several times, so yes I’ve learnt my lesson but hey, at least I wrote about him. Anyway, never double book. If you do, make a lot of bathroom break excuses and hang out with both of them. Now that I think about it, that would’ve been a pretty badass chapter.

?/10 Not applicable

Sorry for being

6/10 Pros: Fun hotel room party Cons: Left the next day, probably boring without the digs to party in

Chapter Seven The Australian His accent made me want to move to the other side of the world yet again. Seven started what seems like a reverse trend, me ending up in his hotel room instead of him in my apartment. I actually have no memories of what happened, except for a bunch of random pictures and lots of firewhiskey. Seven was actually fun, maybe because I was having a rough day and my friend & I pre-gamed at like 3 places.

Probably why I didn’t care about being way taller than him in my heels and ending up at his hotel at 3 am to drink some more. I literally forgot his name as soon as I got there so that gives me something to say during “ Don’t judge me but.”

Tip 5: Tinder only works successfully in tourist spots because most people who live in the city do no give a shit about half their matches and are only looking to get laid as opposed to tourists who are bored and lonely and are also looking to get laid but are just as grateful to have someone to hang out with.

Note: You will see my chapters becoming significantly smaller because I'm usually drunk when they happen and since I procrastinate and resume writing after weeks I usually remember only the finer details i.e whether he was a dick or not.

The Most Important Note This Book Might Have ( Except for the one when i finally get laid ) : I met someone outside of Tinder, at a bar. Like how normal people pre-Tinder would

and I must add old school is probably a better idea. Because he texts me back.

Because we went on a date? Because he still texts me. Because I cannot wait for my vacation to get over so I can see him again.

The art of

of the need to be needed.

Chapter Eight The One Who Made Me Cry This guy was probably the nicest of the lot because he actually made me feel some sort of way. Of course it was only after downing an entire boxed wine ( yeah, i’m classy like that). He rapped a song he wrote for some girl about how she let jerks ruin her life (basically me, although i’m sure 80% of the girls reading this might be saying that) and because my basic reaction to anything when I’m too drunk is to either kiss it or cry about it, I picked both. He texted me for a bit after he left and now he’s apparently happy with some other Tinder girl and I’m happy for him ( I couldn’t care less.)

3/10 Pros: Crying is liberating Cons: Extremely tall, crying is also stupid.

Your dick is too easy for this brain of mine. ( Sadly, most guys just read the word dick and got excited.)

Chapter Nine The One Who Made Me Hate NYC I blame Chapter Nine for the most horrendous night of my life. I decided to make yet another drunk decision and go to Pacha at 2 am which could make me write another long ass book about the kind of people you meet there although a lengthy Yelp review that already exists does the trick.

My life: a series of unfortunate events is a direct analysis of what went down that night. a) I got groped by an Asian guy who apparently thought grabbing my ass was the perfect substitute for saying hey and then he failed to understand why i did not want to go home with him b) I got groped by a guy old enough to be my dad who wouldn’t leave me alone.

I had to call the bouncers on him, after which he magically disappeared..only to reappear when the bouncer was nowhere near me.

This could’ve led to becoming the highlight of my night where I punched him because I lost my fucking temper and Sander Van Doorn was taking too long to hit the MainStage but then he went ahead to say “ Oh, I bet you like that.” So I got disgusted and went back home. Oh and my Tinder date, well he was just okay even after the shots we did ( I hate shots but not like this night could’ve gotten any worse) and after his failed attempts to scrutinize creeps around me I deemed him to be a failure and left him to rave with the other creeps in the club. His friend, apparently happened to be super funny and disinterested according to my sister. But he was also 20, so I’m concerned if child is actually my type.

-1/10 Pros: The only non creep in the club.

Cons: Creepy club. Creepy men. Crap DJ.

So

man but don’t leave me.

I hope you like bitchy girls. ( Apparently no one does anymore. )

Chapter Ten The One Who Was Supposedly Funny I basically rewarded myself with good karma after I made Chapter 10 meet all my friends I was hanging with since he just moved to NYC and was super bored.

Although I did go around hitting on other guys at the bar. He was nice, but in a “ No I will not make out with you after 10 drinks” or “ No you cannot be one of my bros either ”. So while I continued playing drunk ping-pong with a delightful girl I met that evening, he continued to talk to everyone at the table. At some point in the night two of my friends told me that he was really nice and asked me why I was being a colossal bitch so I told them I thought leading him on and giving him false hopes would probably be a bitchier thing to do which is why I just let him be. The reason why I call him supposedly funny is because he was setting foot in the stand up business but he did not make me laugh even once, and even though I have a dry sarcastic humor I didn’t see him understanding any of my jokes so you can’t really blame me for finding solace in the cute brit at the bar.

1/10 Pros: Fun bar Cons: Boring,boring,boring

(The author is now going on a Tinder sabbatical because she wants to see if the nonTinder match actually works out for her. Maybe its time he deserved a continuing chapter to himself. How ironic would it be if it actually worked out with the one person that wasn't even intended to be in this book in the first place. Great plot twist. Never saw it coming. Or maybe I did. Or maybe its the Jameson talking. )

When I said I’d

I meant with my car.

Chapter Eleven The Five Second One No, I did not have sex with him. Although that might have lasted for 5 seconds too.

This one was apparently a club promoter and asked me to come to a club in NY only to have me waiting outside with him for 5 minutes while he was sorting shit out at the door so I did what any moderately self respectable girl would do - called an Uber and left. At least his chapter lasted longer than he did. To think I should've learnt my lesson with NYC and clubs.

-5/10 Pros: Um Cons: Waste of time & an uber ride

At least my mom thinks I’m

Non Tinder Guy: ITS OVER. HALLELUJAH. NOT. Surprise, I self sabotaged myself yet again. I went over to his place drunk and distraught even though the entire staff at Le Sandwicherie making my sandwich at 2 am asked me not to because clearly ruining things myself protects me from getting hurt in some twisted way. Like hello misery, I have the upper hand in creating you. Hah! Major mid book life epiphanies : (sprinkled with generous dosages of fuck because fuck you that's why and also Jameson) #1 : I deleted all the fucking numbers off my phone. its time I started acting like a grown ass adult and stopped fucking drunk texting ( its a legit disease) Although I kinda regret deleting Chapter Two cause my friend needs a legit fake id (oxymoron i know) but whatever. #2: I'm going against all my fucking morals and playing hard to get and texting only when being texted to and not making plans straight away and not being the painfully honest person I am only to see it FUCKING WORK. Turns out the cliche chick flicks are actual representations of how dating life actually works and its so fucked up. #3: PUT YOUR WORK OUT THERE. Someone just posted a Tinder tumblr with edited versions of what the bios should actually look like and I'm kinda bummed cause I don't want to hear " Oh is this inspired by that? " My book is inspired by nothing but my own misery and anxiety okay guys? #4 I just changed my preferences to guys and girls and I can sympathize with anyone who has a dick on Tinder because even though I matched with some chicks, none of them texted me back.

Yeah you’re attractive but where’s your mind at?

(This is me frustrated with the lack of wit out there.

Also maybe growing up just a little. )

6/10 Pros: Total gentleman, med student Cons: Ghosted me. Resurfaced after months.

Ghosted me again.

Chapter Twelve The One You Could Bring Home To Meet The Fam Chapter Twelve was the complete opposite of me i.e not a drunken raging mess.

Probably the second guy my roommate liked because he was sensible enough to hold a conversation. I mean he compared his parking spot to a medical term… score? Probably not since he got super busy with school and I never met him again after that night ( at this point I’m seriously contemplating murdering the tarot card reader who said I would never find satisfaction in relationships) so I can’t really wrap this one up but if you’re smart enough you’re probably ending it yourself in your heads for me. The only thing I’m really bummed about is that I didn’t get to try out his hover board. FYI, that is exactly what it means.

Side note: Another drunken make out sesh with some guy who now has my number but will never text me back. At least this time i know why! I conveniently forgot his name and asked him what it was after "hanging out" for probably half an hour . Also had an inner stripper revelation after hitting a strip club for men at 3 am.

wouldn’t treat me like this.

7/10 Pros: We talked for months before actually meeting,traveled to another city to meet me Cons: Ghosted AGAIN.

Chapter Thirteen The Nicest One This is probably by far the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me and that’s saying something because I do not set the bar too high, with the nicest thing being texting me back. He came all the way to Boston and booked a room in the same hotel just to see me. We matched in New York but never really got around to meeting each other. We went for dinner , where my sister approved him and called him a really nice guy and left us alone for drinks. So we basically stayed up all night talking and I didn’t want to leave for the airport in the morning because I really liked him and felt it could work. Reasons: a. Since we were going back to different cities he wouldn’t be able to see me again as opposed to him choosing not to meet me which is what guys in Miami usually choose to. b. He was the only Tinder guy I’d been talking to for over a month on text c. The only person I had 3 hour late night conversations over the phone with d. I double texted times 10 and he would always text me back Now that I’m back we don’t really talk as much. I tried calling a couple of times but we’ve both been busy or maybe that’s how I’m trying to convince myself that it’s not me. But maybe the problem IS me…I’m too wonderful to handle. There I said it.

6/10 Pros: Cute,we support the same team Cons: Lived kinda far, didn't want to cuddle

Chapter Fourteen The Arsenal Supporter All I learnt from this chapter was that “Lets watch an Arsenal game and chill” is a variation of “ Netflix and chill”. I did meet him twice on the weekend and successfully gave his shirt back while seriously contemplating starting a “Shit tinder dates leave behind” Etsy store. Apparently he couldn’t handle all the chilling and asked me to either let him go back to sleep after the game or do something to make him stay up.

I chose making him drive me to the beach. Don’t expect to see him again after that move but then again he was pushing me to be bitchy. Maybe we’ll watch another game together, maybe he’ll bitch about me to his cat who jumped out of her skin when I was near her. What can I say? Cats fear bitches.

3/10 Pros: Hung out with someone cool, not him btw Cons: Took up space in my book

Chapter Fifteen His First (Tinder Date) I finally started being selfish and agreed to meet him only if he came to Wood Tavern on a Wednesday night because: a. I had an extremely long day at school on Wednesdays with class getting over at 10 pm b. Ladies night! Hello free alcohol c. It was right next to school so I didn’t even have to walk for it. d. My friends were being lame and wanted to go home e. I just needed company while I de-stressed As fate would have it , misfortune for him, my awesome new girlfriend agreed to hang out with me and I did not want to be interrupted by a needy Tinder boy but since we’re both nice, my new bff and I, we let him hang out with us by which I mean stand next to us while we bonded. I was apparently his first Tinder date so I took the onus of telling him how I was an unconventional Tinder date and that he should prepare for worse. Also, highlighted how chill I was and encouraged him to stick around at Wood even after I left so he could find what he was looking for. Sadly he wasn’t that adventurous and he left the same time I did but not before he tried to make movie plans. Well okay it was only because I might have told him to work on his Tinder skills and score a girl for a double date at the movies but I continued to blow him off because I really did not want to enclosed in the same space as him for 2 more hours. He texted me to come to Key West later to which I politely declined and that was the end of our relationship that solely existed on my phone contacts.

No hard

No feelings at all.

5/10 Pros: Most fun I've had in Miami Cons: Not because of him.

Chapter Sixteen The Sugar Daddy Fail

The ONLY mega-douchey Tinder bio that I swiped right to (I only drink Voss) just to make sure me and my friends had a good time on Saturday night. I mean I’m 22 once so I might as well use it since I haven’t been getting anything out these previous boys anyway. He met me and I had to literally ask him to buy me a drink.

My bag has more personality than him. Needless to say, I dumped his ass and went to another bar. I hope he’s enjoying driving his German car alone.

Note: Brief "encounters" with two more guys at the same night, something that I'm not really proud about so I'm getting my act straight..trying to.

I only drink

4/10 Pros: Actual date,kinda cheesy romantic like a movie Cons: Wrong actor

Chapter Seventeen The Okay Date I went on a proper date for the first time but it turned out to be just okay because the guy I met was well, the kind you would remember only because you guys walked on a big stretch on the beach while it started raining which made it look like a scene straight out of a movie. Unfortunately only I looked like I would’ve been cast in it.

Everything will be okay if you keep drinking like you’re

- Wasted Rita

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- Beau Taplin

a life lived

Typical Tinder Profile Pictures: A dog : Mostly puppies. Holding or playing with them. Random shot of dog in bed. Random shot of them with dog in bed. Suggestive.

What girls think: If I wanted to play with a dog I would go to an animal shelter. I'm here to meet someone belonging to the same specie, thanks.

A baby : When a dog isn't available. Accompanied by my nephew / niece What girls think: Who would pimp their babies out for pictures on Tinder?

What I think: Who are these people and where are these babies (in case a future school project involves filming a kid) A bunch of guys in every frame: Probably the ugliest one of the lot. Insecure as fuck.

What girls think: LEFT. I'm not here to play true detective.

Another girl in the picture: Ex/sister/friend/last tinder date/random person he grabbed What girls think: If you had a girl why would you be on Tinder? Unless you're stupid enough to show how you can't keep one around.

Bonus Chapter Tinder guys I never met but showed real promise

The one with trust issues: I actually had a super intense heated text discussion with this guy for the span of two drunk days in Chicago where he refused to show up because he didn’t trust Tinder girls but the conversation was lovely which pissed me off even more because how rare is it to find someone who has the same distrust in people as you do. Our misplaced teenage angst would’ve made us a lovely pair.

The one on a forever vacation: Might make a cameo in Part Two. Might not since he knows I’m writing a book and probably knows I’m bat shit crazy.

The one with 75k followers: Definitely thought he was cat fishing me since he had 75k Instagram followers and his IG handle was mysteriously not connected to his Tinder. Turns out he wasn’t and now i’m just thinking of the 75k people who would’ve read my book just to know more about him.

The one who wanted LSD: I can’t really blame him but if I had LSD i would obviously not share…maybe trade for some whiskey though.

Tip 6: Do not put out. This was generously quoted by a girl I met who is actually getting married to a guy she met on Tinder. Well all I have to say to her is, read the opening statement of this book. Clearly, life doesn't work in the same way for most of us or maybe I just need a different app. Have you heard of this thing called Bumble?

Focus on your goals baby girl.

These boys ain’t going

End Book Life Crisis: WTF am I doing with my life.

This app is driving me insane. I'm trying to look for a magical meaningful any kind of relationship while playing this entirely aloof and non committal and getting wasted at the speed of light. I think I'm giving myself mixed signals. My life goals are now to NOT DRINK on any dates and actually find out ONE interesting unusual thing about my Tinder date. I'm going to focus on psycho analyzing them instead of myself in Part Two. End Note: My Tinder Bio will now say " I'm writing a book on you and I will secretly psychoanalyze the shit out of you". Okay maybe I should leave that part out. Now while you guys go back to your fabulous lives I am going to struggle to make conversation with some guy who swiped everyone right faster than you can say hey hoping that at least one of them would be a perfect end to Part Two.

I don’t need a boy to pay

to me.

I’ll pay attention to myself.

Disaster Recap The Older Guy The Immature Douche The Sensitive One The Borderline Catfish The (Pre-Puberty) Bieber Lookalike The Almost Had Sex The Bad Timing The Australian The One Who Made Me Cry The One Who Made Me Hate NYC The One Who Was Supposedly Funny The Five Second One The One You Could Bring Home To Meet The Fam The Nicest One The Arsenal Supporter His First (Tinder Date) The Sugar Daddy Fail The Okay Date Bonus Chapter

Part II

Introduction Introduction Introduction The fact that I was documenting my dates got a lot of interesting reactions but for the wretched ones who have been lazy to read it don't blame me if you do not understand the monumental changes I've made in my swiping habits.

If you notice that this book has lesser and comparatively smaller chapters you have my increasing lack of fucks i give to blame thank.

No but really I'm trying to be selective about my dates. Haha, not. This is more of a desperate scramble to get it done before I nausea kicks in however my bitch quotient is at a strong 100 as always.

Lastly, if you have nothing nice to say, write it down in a book.

Oh, you’re dumping me?

Well I’ve got

already.

I swiped right to The One Who Missed His Flight The Bumble Guy The One Who Wanted A Threesome The One With A Secret The More Than Okay Date The Other Virgin The French Kiss Apparent Fail The Cuddle Buddy The Army Guy The Four AM Guy The One Who Cooked The Complete Fail The One I Have To Mention Bonus Chapter

If I’m not responding I’m too busy going on adventures.

Please be more creative than “ Netflix and chill” I feel strongly about most things..and pizza.

Also, I’m writing about you.

(Perfect target audience for my book promotion)

Typical Tinder Bios: #1 If anybody asks we met on Tinder - Chances are that since you're on Tinder the only place you want us to meet is your bedroom and there's nobody to ask us about our relationship in there except your cat..or your creepy roommate hoping for a threesome. #2 I'm here to make friends - With girls only? I'm going to start sending mani-pedi groupons your way. #3 I'm here for a good time not a long time - If your definition of a good time is Tinder you really need to get out there. #4 Netflix and chill / no netflix and chill - Stop promoting Netflix for free. Anyway, I'm from India so it'd make sense to me if you said " Download an illegal torrent and hope the quality is good " and chill.

Cause you cute but I still gotta get good grades.

Reactions to my bio: Since I put the link to my book on my bio these boys knew what I was actually on Tinder for. At this point I've given up all hope in finding any boy who knows how to hit send on a text message after a date. They're honestly so selfish. I have to do all the work. Putting up my book link gives them an easy conversation starter but sadly most of them aren't even creative enough to come up with anything except a poorly taken selfie.

Can I be your 52nd date - Do your fucking research. The book is in two parts. I haven't been on 52 dates yet and judging by how observant you are about that ONE fact about me you're not going to make the cut.

Your book is hilarious! Maybe I should be the next chapter - This actually warms my heart mainly because you READ and also complimented my writing style but mostly read.

Plus if you're interested enough to be in my book I assume you know well enough to be entertaining instead of being immortalized as the one who was the human equivalent of a rock.

Are you going to write about me? - No, I'm not going to invest my time writing about each sub-standard person I match with because you clearly have no idea how excessive my drinking and swiping habits are. Also, i do not write about people I don't meet. Being on a dating app doesn't give you bragging rights to be in my highly publicized document of misery.

Oh so you're going to write about me? I'm going to hack the shit out of you - Um, what. This dude was extremely self centered and clearly had no concept of what a threat actually means.

What's my chapter going to be called - After each fucking date. Never seen someone so excited to read a bad review of themselves. My book is like yelp reviews of people.

Chapter Eighteen The One Who Missed His Flight In all honesty after I finished writing Part One I thought I would abandon this project because I’d lost faith in the type of boys I would continue meeting (although most of it was my fault because I wasn’t really going on ‘substantial’ dates). So when this guy proposed a midnight bowling session with his friends I agreed. Mainly because: 1: I get super competitive and like showing boys they ain’t worth shit 2: Who wouldn’t want to bowl at midnight 3: Probably the first time someone invited me to chill with their friends as well. I thrive in such social situations.

4: He was moving to New York the next day and its was his last night out (nice girl problems) So I tagged my girlfriend along, still the same old responsible person dragging my friends into situations they wouldn’t want to be in, and actually had a good time because I finally did something physical apart from making out with my date…and his friends. Obviously the bowling sesh lead to a lot of drinks which lead to bar hopping and finally ended up at my place and this is a wonderful deja vu start to Part Two. Apparently he slept through his alarm and missed his flight and I couldn’t care less because I was already up and doing my homework and honestly wanted to be left alone. Ad school is tough. But surprisingly I don’t feel indifferent enough to be totally bitchy so I’m just going to wrap it up by saying that I had a good time but I didn’t really care about finding out if he ever ended up in New York.

7/10 Pros:Midnight bowling, group hang Cons:Zero feelings once sober

Side Note: Its really weird knowing that some of these guys might read about themselves. I don't want them to know what I actually think during a date and hurt their feelings because honestly some of them are nice but I'm just not interested enough. I try not to be rude but I end up giving them false hopes or the wrong impressions even though I'd rather not have anything to do with them because that's how I've been conditioned throughout this traumatizing experience we know as online dating in your twenties.

Chapter Nineteen The Bumble Guy Living in Miami is hard because there are a shit ton of concerts. Let me rephrase.

Living in Miami and being in Ad School is hard because everybody is too hipster to like the EDM scene which sadly leaves me as the only person getting excited every weekend about getting to see one artist from the UMF lineup. I even downloaded some random app called Tastebuds which connects people with the same music taste. The app is shit in my opinion because all it did was eat some more of my iPhone memory. So when I matched with some guy on Bumble who shared the same music taste as me I was pretty down to have another human at a concert who would understand the difference between Zedd and Zedds Dead. After stalking him a bit on Facebook I came across a post that said he was engaged but by now I’d reached a point where I was literally looking for people for reasons other than any sort of romantic connection so I didn’t really care. I obviously questioned him about it but he said that it was an apparent Facebook joke so I let it slide. We met once and it was super normal and we haven’t been to any gigs yet so apparently I can’t even get a guy to do anything except get him to ask for my friend’s phone number who is also a guy....maybe I’m just really bad at getting hints.

4/10 Pros:EDM Lover Cons:Asked for my friend's digits

2/10 Pros:Good weed Cons:Male chauvinistic pig

Chapter Twenty The One Who Wanted A Threesome This date just validated the point that I should not smoke pot because I get way too paranoid and subsequently all hell breaks lose because I start screaming at the top of my voice at random dudes and their cats. In my defence this kid gave off extremely gay vibes, maybe because he was an aspiring actor for Broadway and in all honesty I was just having a random conversation with him sans any flirting which is why when he asked me and my girl to go back to his place and smoke up I thought he wanted to step it up by having a weed induced intellectual conversation.

I would’ve been okay with him getting mixed signals and then getting over it if he wouldn’t have said something that clearly states what is wrong with most boys. “ I thought we were going to have some fun, I mean I got you weed and everything.”

Just because I’m in your fucking apartment, smoking some fucking weed and being okay about it does not mean that I owe you anything. So after I yelled like a crazy person and started leaving he asked my friend if she wanted to stay back and then if that wasn’t bad enough he proceeded to say that “ I might have some change for uber.” Um, I don’t want your fucking money and you clearly don’t understand how the app works. Like how medieval is your thought process seriously? All this date ended up creating was an extremely stoned conversation with my sister while I stared blankly at her fiancé and three quarters of a Chicago deep dish pizza.

Although he did have good weed so I’m going to grudgingly give him that.

61/2/10 Pros:Cute dates,cute,intellectual Cons:The secret

Chapter Twenty One The One With A Secret Chicago boys are honestly so much better than the ones I deal with in Miami. I went on a total of 4 dates with 3 boys and they were all wonderful. My standards of wonderful I mean. This guy made me realize that “ Yes, there are normal guys who exist, but they’re all outside Miami” and “No, I will never stop internally judging people and finding out flaws even though they’re perfectly acceptable”. I met him twice because he was cute and funny and we went on super cliched dates like walking along Lake Michigan and sitting on the rocks talking about redundant life shit and outer space. Sitting in a sunny spot outside a coffee shop the next day and drinking beers on my porch where he ceremoniously told me that he wanted to marry me. Well, it’s actually less scarier. He said he just got out of prison for drug possession. Why would I call it a better date than the rest you ask? Well because: #1. This kid trusted me enough for me to be probably the third person who knew about this and considering I’d only met him twice it really validates my opinion of myself as an approachable chilled out person. I’m cool af. #2. We “talked”. I don’t know when the rest of the male population will understand the easiest trick to getting brownie points. You can literally talk your way “into anything”.

Note: He met a wonderful girl after I left and they're really happy together and I'm just here spreading good karma and making people meet the one after I leave. I'm starting to believe I could turn my life into a motion picture with a hopefully optimistic ending where I end up with a dog at least.

If Jennifer Aniston can get over

then you can get over that

in your life that clearly doesn’t deserve you.

7/10 Pros:Good date spot Cons:Zero chemisty

Chapter Twenty Two The More Than Okay Date This date topped up The Okay Date from Part One where I went for a walk on the beach and it rained. It was more than okay because I actually toured the sick Northwestern campus that made me rethink my undergrad decisions. Which I got over pretty soon because I’m creating dope shit in Miami right now such as this book so I think I more than made up for it. But that literally is the only reason why I call this the More Than Okay Date. I mean my date himself was fine and we had a decent conversation but I’m super appreciative because I felt like I was doing something new. He invited me to a bunch of frat parties which is still on my American To-Do list since I totally want the whole “college experience” but I seriously doubt how intense NU frat parties are so I passed. This guy is going to have a bigger quote space than actual content on his page.

Chapter Twenty Three The Other Virgin Tried to mix this up by making him write a chapter on me instead but I guess some people just don’t appreciate deadlines so he deserves the rough sketch of his chapter than a real one.

5/10

Pros:Cool bar,Could hold a halfway scintillating conversation, he thought he looked like one of the Franco brothers ( I give props to confidence) Cons:Kissing at the end of a date in a bar is too much PDA. Like hello, I'm probably never going to see you again, man up, kiss me and leave.

Oh and he’s waiting for marriage to have sex which gives me a chance to tell you guys that this piece of information does not magically send him to the top of my list.

It just made an attention grabbing headline but I have no intention of devirginizing us together. It was fascinating to hear how he rejected girls in the sack but his lack of commitment towards writing his opinion on me made me truncate his pros list... by like one more point .

Looking for a human blanket cause flights are cold af.

(I’m sick of all that traveling. And no, I do not want to sit on your face.)

Chapter Twenty Four The French Kiss Apparent Fail This date scores a 90 on conversation even though most of it was dominated by why I haven’t done it yet which also made me feel like a prehistoric dinosaur because apparently the subject is super fascinating and rare. But it’s okay. At least he attempted to understand some parts of my brain. He also wrote a super nice comment about my first book so I’ve put him down lightly here. I learnt new things such as the french really do get around a lot and that apparently I’ve been french kissing the wrong way all this time. I may not have expertise in other areas, but this I got. Of course he would say this since he’s french. I’d probably get defensive the same way about curry, not. Get over stereotypes losers.

Note: He is now blissfully traveling with someone else he met shortly after. I am now taking applications to meet people so that they meet someone else after I leave.

5/10 Pros:Fun conversation Cons:Average kisser

-2/10 Pros:...

Cons:Cannot erase memory

Chapter Twenty Five The Cuddle Buddy This chapter is not as cute as I make it sound. Its actually one that I want to erase from my head completely because I don’t even know why I agreed to go on a date with someone who was totally not my type. Oh wait I do. I was annoyed af and he was willing to come to the sushi place right under my house so it basically meant no walking and a break from a shitty night. We did end up cuddling and the memory is perfect for inducing nausea. This chapter should actually be called The One I Ghosted because he hit me up a few times later and I totally ignored it. Ohmygod, I just realized I’m the nausea inducing person in every other situation….that explains a lot of things. Great, now I’m sick and I hate myself.

Chapter Twenty Six The Army Guy This was such a high school date because we sat in the trunk of his car and made out. Later he held my hand and made me long board on south beach while I heard some horrifying war stories. His friend was really funny too but never ended up accepting my friend request on Facebook. Probably because we abandoned him halfway through the night although he owed me because I bought drinks for both of them. This was like one of those dates that you’d put in a video montage when someone’s life starts getting redundant and spinning really fast until one day something magical happens, except that doesn’t in this case.

4/10 Pros:Thank you for your service Cons:No future in longboarding Settle: Dating app for women looking to have tons of

dates.

Chapter Twenty Seven The One With The Ex I don’t understand dating and thankfully I had a friend who witnessed the entire date and now she doesn’t either. If anybody figures out where I went wrong pretty much wins at life. He came over and we drank this ginormous bottle of wine and it was textbook perfect until we went to this bar and he apparently ran into his ex and proceeded to act super weird and never texted me back. Maybe I made him realize that crazy is good and he went back to her.

Note: Yes, he's in a relationship now. My purpose on earth is to play the modern slightly wasted cupid.

6/10 Pros:Cute, great kisser Cons:Queen of getting ghosted

My swiping habits: #1 Weird names: Ironic because I have a super uncommon name, even by Indian standards but anyone who doesn't have a quintessential American name goes left. #2 Job/College: If someone's into Advertising I always say yes. I read an article on how someone actually got a job through Tinder and Uber Pool. Networking 101. #3 Group pictures: Even though these are frustrating there's a psychological fact that you look attractive if you're surrounded by good looking people. I swipe right in hopes of meeting the cute friends though. #4 Abs: I know this was a big no in Part One but I've stopped being sensitive towards how flaky someone can be and started unleashing my daily dose of bitchiness on these entitled models, fitness instructors and people who own no shirts.

2/10 Pros:Didn't kill me in my sleep Cons:Died...jk, probs.

Chapter Twenty Eight The Four AM Guy This date made me realize how convenient it is to skip paying rent altogether by installing Tinder. This guy was either homeless or had a friend who snored really loud because he came over at 4 am after a brief 5 minute conversation where I clearly told him that we were just going to chill. He crashed on my bed promptly after talking for like 20 minutes but not before telling me he’d wake me up when he left in the morning. Little did he know that I would be up doing my homework anyway. He woke up and announced that he’d invite me to some random day party later and left. Of course he never texted back but that could also be because someone killed him in his sleep on another one of his midnight adventures.

Sorry I haven’t texted you in a while.

Haven’t been

Chapter Twenty Nine The One Who Cooked

Note: This chapter hasn't ended yet, hopefully, and because I'm such a wuss I'm obviously not going to write about how I truly feel. Plus I don't even know how this will end and my tone of voice totally depends on that. Although knowing me I'd give it another week before I annoy the shit out of him.

I have an abundance of potential that cannot be shoved under a wishy-washy rug of

Sorry, but I refuse to be tamed.

?/10 TBD in Part III

Chapter Thirty The Complete Fail This guy is the perfect example of what Tinder is actually meant for = a complete disaster for me. I’ve never met anyone lazy enough to not make an effort to even get laid but maybe this is actually how it works in the grown up world. We barely had one drink while I was being my humorous self when he suggested going back to his hotel. I was super disgusted because there were so many other cute boys at the bar that I wanted to look at, and a lack of conversation supplemented with a small drink was not going to mislead me into thinking that he was extremely charming. So I turned this into a “ How much can I talk before he gets sick of me and asks me to leave “ project. I think I babbled for like 30 minutes before he got extremely annoyed because I wouldn’t do anything and he started pretending to text/ or maybe he was actually sending SOS texts to his friends. Then I proceeded to raid his minibar to complete my evil plan at which point he looked like he was about to cry. So I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he couldn’t have agreed more.I wished him luck with his future tinder endeavors and pranced out. As if this night could not get any worse, my Uber driver was convinced that I should go out on a date with him instead after I generously sharing details of my disastrous night.

He wanted my number but all he ended up getting was a poor rating.

-2/10 Pros:Almost made him cry Cons:Mega douche

Chapter Thirty One The One I Have To Mention I asked him if he had other plans two minutes after he stepped out of the Uber because he was obviously gay and I was not in the market for a gay bff. He said no and I said maybe it was time he started reconsidering that and we parted ways. I don’t feel like a bitch because I’m always nice and this is a great example of how I can cut the bullshit from my life by just saying “ Leave me alone creep.” I think I’m cut out for speed dating, It’s healthier for my soul.

* Interrupts story to ask if I can have a

0/10 Pros:I was assertive for once Cons:Probs gay

Bonus Chapter The One I Never Met It’s ironic that the only person I had the longest relationship (textual which is also a monumental leap for me) was with a guy I never met. We swiped right to each other and I offered to meet him but he said he had to stick with his lads ( he’s as British as they can get) cause it was their last night in Miami. I got kinda wasted and blew him off by being all bitchy (something that I’ve worked on and I’m proud to say I’m now a recovered drunk texter) so I thought that was pretty much it but he told me the next morning that he found it amusing! Never have I ever run into someone who finds my shit (you know this by now because you’ve lived my dating life) tolerable to say the least. Well, he shipped his cute (?) butt off to UK and we literally texted like ALL THE TIME which also made me realize that I have no memories of my Fall break except my phone screen and the realization of how fucking lonely I was, if not for him. We facetimed once and naturally I had to be drunk for that too because sober adult conversations are not something I’d remotely consider. I think I spoke to his cat more than him though but that didn’t push him away either. It got really intense and frustrating for me because I never saw his face after that and I felt like I needed some sort of validation apart from all the texting. You kinda tend to get over the whole attention over text bit once you get plenty of it. We sort of stopped texting once my break was over and I found out a bunch of weeks later (I drunk texted him asking why he was acting like a little shit) that he’d met someone. (I can’t even. Apparently my curse extends over text too.) Even though the entire situation was completely ridiculous ,it actually kept me off Tinder for a month but maybe that’s a bad thing too because it stopped me from continuing this book which we’ve all I’ve come to love.

I like whiskey....and being disappointed.

(I’m literally giving you a free pass to be a dick.)

Did Mona Lisa know she was going to be the

in art, of all time?

See what happens when

End Note: I've spaced out the intensity of my dates because I've been occupied with school which is wonderful because I've been getting A's.

Straight A's if procrastination was a subject too.

I've let the matches on my Tinder pile like the pizza boxes next to my bed and the monumental growth in the number of boys I've been meeting has left me slightly worried. I've tried to shove most of them outside my mind...and mouth. Although most of my matches do not bother starting a conversation. I don't know if it's the impending threat of being documented in a book or just sheer laziness. However, this palm reader told me that I'd basically live a fabulous life, gain some social standing in my area of "expertise", travel a lot and have a supportive husband but conveniently left out when so it'll probably be when I'm 80 and can't walk and I'll use him as a foot stool.

My dating life.

Disaster Recap The One Who Missed His Flight The Bumble Guy The One Who Wanted A Threesome The One With A Secret The More Than Okay Date The Other Virgin The French Kiss Apparent Fail The Cuddle Buddy The Army Guy The Four AM Guy The One Who Cooked The Complete Fail The One I Have To Mention Bonus Chapter

Part III

My life has undergone some pretty monumental changes since Part Two. I moved to New York City from Miami. DATING IN NYC SUCKS. I mean most of you're probably thinking "OMG cute eligible wall street guys" but honestly I've met fewer intellectual people, or people in general here than I did in Miami. Probably because I hate taking the subway before a date and my radius is always limited to a mile. Or maybe since I clearly like setting up unrealistic goals and standards for myself. New York has definitely made me a lazier person socially, if not broke. I still refuse to let guys take me out on dinner dates, I mean I haven't been walking 6 miles a day to drown myself in a bottomless pit of fries. On the bright side, Tinder has gifs now! I can literally bring the actual verbal communication down to 0 and still figure out how incompatible the guy is. Also, frustrating people with gifs is another wonderful irrelevant life skill I've now acquired. Those of you who have been reading this from the start know that I put up different Tinder Bios but I've been horribly inconsistent in retaining information. Also, the first 3 dates in this part took place in Miami so this book is going to have a personality divide. Since my dating habits have improved momentously, something I like to state in every part. I've actually had a couple of fun dates. I think that comes along with not having your own apartment and calling people over all the time but sometimes you just slip up and then have an "alleged ex boyfriend" graffiti all over your building's front door and then get evicted. Should have just shoved this book in the cops face as evidence. There is no way someone is remotely in love with me to take time to walk all the way over to my front door. I mean we're talking about people not even texting back to collect their shit which I remind them to pick up every time I get drunk and need attention.

Introduction Introduction Introduction Side Note: Met this guy at a bar. I was pretty bummed because I could've been at Liv and seen JB give a spontaneous performance so instead I tried to find solace in him and $2 jello shots. Let me just say, I was totes not into him when I decided to meet him sober later. The old school way just doesn't work for me. One of my really old friends read my book and while he loved Part One he thought Part Two was rushed and repetitive ( lots of balcony and drinking) so I'm going to put some more thought in these dates, apart from the naturally forthcoming bitchy ones. In this part I'm going to try and give enriching details on how I continue to embarrass myself in front of the opposite sex in my attempts of being uncaring and aloof which often times end up with me getting drunk*, crying** or not getting a text back***. * 40/43 dates ** 2/43 dates *** 51/43 dates ( part psychic )

Yes I have

commitment issues. committment issues. commitment issues.

It’s an issue getting someone to commit to me.

I swiped right to The Last One On The Balcony The One Who Cooked ( cont. ) The One Who Thought I Was Chill AF The Intense One The Split Personality One The Other Indian The One Not Into Me The One With The Friend The Sassy One The One Who Made Me Walk The One With The Facts The One Like My Homies The Irish The One With The Socks The Other Creative The One With The Girlfriend The Obnoxious One The Normal One The British Disappointment The One Who Made Me Realize The Last One

Alternate Tinder Uses: #1: Sell my mattress Tinder Bio: Selling my bed. I may or may not come with it. No, Wallapop did not work. #2: Find an apartment #3: Make connections in the industry You can now add your job profile on Tinder so chances are if you work in advertising, I am going to swipe right. Hey, people got jobs through Uber Pool. Don't judge although I''m assuming you don't since you've stuck with this book so far.

Having a crush on someone is exciting.

endless. endless. endless.

You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how?

The possibilities are

3/10 Pros:No more balcony dates Cons:Immature sleaze

Chapter Thirty Two The Last One On The Balcony Let me begin by saying getting wasted the night before you’re selling your bed is a terrible idea because I spent the rest of the day hungover on a very uncomfortable wooden floor. The last one on the balcony was also the last one on the bed. However, 21 year old guys shall forever be immature lil shits. The focus of this chapter was going to be on how I completely pulled a Jojo from the Bachelorette and started crying because I felt so unlovable but after I told him in a few words that I wasn’t really going to write much about him ( the focus is ALWAYS me, and how I’m growing [not much clearly] throughout this process ) he proceeded to text me about how he “ hooked up with my friend while I was sleeping “ to feel like he had the upper hand in “ Oh I don’t care about you more“. I don’t understand why people can’t just APPRECIATE the time they spend with each other with completely honesty and then just accept it as a lesson and move on instead of trying to put each other down. I’ve honestly really enjoyed getting to meet some of these guys just because they lead their lives so differently and I’ve learnt something from every single date. I can’t believe you just bought that. Guys suck.

The infamous "What are you looking for on Tinder ? "question answered: Literally nothing sexual or remotely relationshippy unless you're the perfect amount of cute but indifferent and your texts dont make me cringe when I'm sober.

Your duties will only entail: #1: FWB so I end up drunk texting only one person and not make deplorable decisions. #2: Binge drink with me all weekend #3: Read all of my existential crisis texts ( responding with an emoji* is acceptable ) #4: Slap my butt and call me cute #5: Literally do not bother me if I'm not bothering you UNLESS you need life advice which I'm wonderful at providing #6: Live your fucking life** *DO NOT SEND ME THE WINK EMOJI I FUCKING HATE IT OR HEARTS, WE'RE NOT THERE YET. ** Please have a life of your own and bros, who will grow to love me and accept me as their own. Do fun things without me, but with me as well occasionally and graciously accept the slightly better life you achieve after opening your heart to the crazy mess i.e me.

This might be ironic but I have to force myself to be social because I''ve battled with anxiety for years. If I agree to go on a date with you it's because you make me feel comfortable in some weird twisted way. I screen out most normal good guys because they start getting intense which is tough for me to handle like a rational adult. I need someone to push me to be social but at the same time give me a ton of space. I guess this gets translated as hooking up and saying goodbye which is why this project wont ideally end up with me meeting "The One".

9/10 * Pros:xxx Cons:Partially ghosted, I moved to NYC

Chapter Thirty Three The One Who Cooked (cont.)

If you’ve been obsessively following my dating life or lack thereof, let me state that this is by far the most success I’ve had on Tinder. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, well this is technically true for girls or even non eaters like me. Cooking is such an arduous task and any man who even bothers taking the initiative of ordering something gets bonus points from me. This started with me “accidentally” showing up at the same club as him & of course my phone was dying and I couldn’t get an uber so I decided to stay over…to charge my phone and get a ride in the morning. Let me just specify by saying that I literally made it evident that I wasn’t going to hook up with him and he was okay with that. Of course we made out, and then I left for St Augustine the next morning which worked out perfectly cause I really didn’t need a weekend of drunk texting to scare him away too. I am so fucking needy. I hate technology. I think this was the most rational dating experience I’ve had so far and ironically exactly what I needed, except for the fact that he lived kinda far which literally led to the downfall of our equation.

Like 6 miles away and there was no fucking way I was ubering that distance just to cuddle. Even though this apartment was better than mine, and that’s saying something. ( We’re still in miami time rn) So we alternated with going over a bunch of times and netflixing, cooking, drinking, doing normal fwb stuff minus the benefits bit, or the incessant friend texting bit. It was great cause I had a not so hideous face to cuddle when I was lonely and that was perfect except that he’s a guy and of course he has needs i.e the need to get laid so I was finally like okay we should probably do it anyway. And we didn’t. Well, we tried to but I was literally dying in pain and no thank you I’d rather have my navel pierced the fourth time than go

The One Who Cooked (cont.) through that again. I went back to India for a bit shortly after and except for a reminder of his jacket which he refused to collect for like over 2 months I never saw him again. But then again keeping other people’s shit is bad karma and since I was moving to NYC I couldn’t really pack his jacket so I ended up meeting him again and going out with his friends and then ending up at his place again where nothing happened....again. *Disclaimer: I am still a virgin…if you don’t consider attempting to have sex, twice. The second time was literally my last night in miami and I said fts, I’m never gonna see this dude again so there’s no way can drunk text him and feel shitty about it but no we did not go through it because he didn’t have a condom and i guess he sort of knew that my heart…and other parts were not really into it. I haven’t texted him since and strangely trying to have sex with a random dude made no significant impact on my life and allowed me to transition towards further disappointments in my life with ease.

Update: He is now happy with someone else as well.

I want a partner who is way out of my league but thinks that I am way out of their league and we will live in

perfect confused harmony perfect confused harmony perfect confused harmony with a dog.

8/10 Pros:Another fun night out in Miami, we took a picture!

Cons:Nice guy turned douchey.

Chapter Thirty Four The One Who Thought I Was Chill AF This tinder date probably defined what I actually look for from most dates. But of course since the date went down perfectly, I was totally not attracted to the guy sober, even though his australian accent was entertaining. Australian guys I’ve met have always turned out to be shorter than me which is strange considering Australia is supposed to have tall people. We had a classic date on the beach with wine & later got shit faced at a bunch of bars with my friends. Yes, I bought the wine. I don’t let guys pay all the time. Except that he ordered the uber all the way to South Florida so he basically paid the equivalent of 3 bottles of wine….and probably more since he bought drinks at the bar. Who cares. He was also probably the only date I have a picture with because we were homies by that point in the night. Basically this would’ve ended up with me never seeing him again except that he happened to be in Chicago the same time I was & I thought we’d hang out and do a chapter continuation but he totally turned into a sleazeball and invited me to his hotel room instead. Or maybe I texted some other guy with the same name. Whatever.

Chapter Thirty Five The Intense One Guys like him make me feel like a hideous alien incapable of compassion. I mean sure we hung out and I had one too many drinks and you were nice and we cuddled all night but like I don’t really want to put in effort to text you, or anyone if I’m not really feeling it. I am a commitment phobe because I don’t want to be stuck in making efforts for something that I know won’t work out. I know exactly what I want and I don’t want to waste anybody’s time. Except that what I want is usually non committal beautiful jerks so it never ends up working out. So this guy completely fell in love with me and he texted me and he facetimed me (which I left unanswered because I have phone anxiety) and told his mom he met someone who made him happy. I can’t even consider telling my mom I found a whiskey cocktail that makes me feel some sort of way let alone a guy. He still tried and texted after, and sure I sometimes (only when I was really drunk and needed attention and no one else was texting me back) tended to respond but if he was the right guy, he would’ve been Dave Franco. Which also brings me to my next bio created for gentler heartbreaks.

3/10 Pros: Didn't give up for a long time.

Cons:Way TOO fucking intense for human standards

Looking for a Dave Franco look alike to build pillow forts and eat pizza. ( Every guy was sadly only 2/3. And I know dave franco is on tinder‌so it’s only a matter of time. )

Chapter Thirty Six The Split Personality One Part of the reason why I show up on a date depends on how enthusiastic I’m feeling about the state of my hair & whether the bar is somewhere I can walk to. It calms my anxiety if I know that I could run back if need be and not waste my time or money going to meet someone who doesn’t want to listen to at least 40 insignificant details about my life before asking me to go back home with him. Honestly, I was not feeling my personal best before this date but we had been texting for a week so I felt kinda comfortable going to it because I assumed awkward silences would be comfortable instead since we had an established textual relationship already.

He was the second guy who drove through state lines to meet me which basically warrants me being nice because NYC makes you learn to appreciate time so much more. The face of a person who just missed the subway will tell you everything you need to know about that. We met at this bar in Chicago and as soon as he walked in I let him know that I was a bit under the weather but soon enough after my first drink I was back to my normal hilarious self. However, he continued to be dull and boring. It felt like he literally used a body double to go meet me because he made zero conversation and just kept staring into space. The date ended with me giving him a soundcloud playlist to listen to on his drive back. I was super disappointed because we had a really good conversation over text but mostly because I couldn’t even finish a basket of fries by myself.

7/10 Pros:Rave buddy Cons:Bad kisser. Friendzoned

Chapter Thirty Seven The Other Indian One of my self imposed rules for dating in America is to never go out with another Indian since I technically spent half my life there and there was no way I was going to swim in the same dating circle 9000 miles away. However, I made an exception for this guy and I wouldn’t call it a mistake because we had a great conversation (I sound like Donald Trump) and I hadn’t connected to anyone else who knew what it meant being an Indian away from home while balancing both worlds and just how hilarious the Indian society is at certain times. We hung out a couple of times and went to cool bars and he also evolved into my concert buddy soon. Tinder dates who rave together, stay together, until they kiss and it ends up being one of the worst kisses of their lives. So I decided to friend zone him. I hate using that word but sometimes it’s a better option than seeing someone romantically and it wasn’t like we weren’t having fun anyway. But sadly, no one likes to be friend zoned and when I told him we should just be friends he basically said he was cool with that but never met me again. At least, this time I know why.

3/10 Pros: Drove for an hour to meet me Cons: Intellectually disappointing in person

If you’re nice to an animal, it loves you for life.

If you’re nice to a person

who the fuck who the fuck who the fuck who the fuck who the fuck who the fuck who the fuck knows what’s gonna happen.

Chapter Thirty Eight The One Not Into Me If NYC could be described as a date this would be it. What better welcome to the city than the first person who wasn’t charmed by me in the first 10 or 45 minutes for which the entire date lasted. While I was still in my Miami phase of dating: go out, drink, have a random conversation, probably make out, text him, never get a response back and move on with your life, he was in the New York phase of dating: if you don’t see what you want, you leave. Back to this uneventful date, we went to a bar that was literally right across my place, which I’m grateful for now since the date took exactly 45 minutes door to door. We sat at the bar and had a beer while he ranted about some socio-economic shit and probably thought I was dumb af because I didn’t have anything significant to contribute to his theories. We went out for a smoke and never went back in. Which is great because his lack of interest in my life didn’t make me want to try to impress him. He had to face rush hour at Grand Central while I just walked back so he got what he deserved. Lesson learnt: Not everybody, surprisingly, is charmed by you.

2/10 Pros:NYC conditioning, didn't have to take the subway Cons:Not amused by me

Dating in NYC: It is fucking tough and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Specially when you're coming from Miami where your 1 mile radius includes the beach aka gorgeous European tourists who are not opposed to the idea of lying down on the sand and drinking a bottle of wine. However, I would never date a tourist in New York because they would not be able to walk as fast as me. ALso, I would never meet someone outside a mile radius because if I cant walk to the date I disregard it as long distance. I don't want to take the subway before a date and if there's not more than a 50% chance of getting a second date I can't fucking bother because there are so many other things that I could be doing such as finally checking out the MET. I know I can use my dates to check off things on my list that I want to do but most of the places on my list are speakeasies. Overall, I think NYC has made my dating style grow or maybe it is the fact that I turned 24 and got my shit together, finally hopefully.

Guy:

Talk dirty to me.

Me: The ocean is filled with plastic and sewage and the coral reef will be dead in 20 years because of the filth.

Chapter Thirty Nine The One With The Friend Bolstered by the failure of my previous date and the fact that I was majorly third wheeling at a club, I texted this guy I had been talking to for a bit and he came outside the club at 3 am with a friend he was hanging with. We then proceeded to go to another bar. I got along with his friend really well while we were walking and he was sort of third wheeling us which was great because girl bffs are so hard to find. Unfortunately I don’t remember her name, a problem that doesn’t solely contain itself to men but I’m still holding on to the hopes of finding her on bumble bff. As for the guy, he was good for a cuddle session and I embraced my new self of never texting him again or feeling the urge to. Maybe what I really need is a body pillow. At least you can never drunk text them.

5/10 Pros:Drunk texting cured Cons:Just another # on my list, never met his friend again

6/10 Pros:Most eventful date so far Cons:Physically unattractive, slight manwhore

Chapter Forty The Sassy One This has to be one of those dates that make me regret the fact that I don’t have a committed posse to film these. I had fun at the date because I love it when my life plays out all movie like. We met at a bar that had free pizza with every drink!

So I knew my night was going to start off great. It also happened to be stand up comedy night and coincidentally our bartender was performing so he basically got all his material from our conversation at the bar and made fun of us all night! (This is a good thing because all that attention. Yay.) Also kinda an easy dig because the dude was in a suit and literally whipped out his laptop mid date to send some emails while I was wearing ripped jeans that barely held themselves together and pounding back whiskey drinks while barely looking at him. I was moving AGAIN. So I actually took him to view an apartment next door to the bar and it was super funny cause we pretended like we were friends since forever. Getting a tinder date to an apartment viewing would def not impress your new roomie. I did ask for his opinion on the place which I did not end up renting incase you were wondering.

Although he did a pretty good job charming the potential new roomies. We went to what ended up being one of my favorite bars in NYC : The Belfry and by this point I was drunk enough to not want to take the subway back home. For some reason : alcohol, I thought it would be a great idea to take an uber with him to Jersey instead of going back to the Upper West Side and uber it home the next morning, which he paid for obviously. We had really fun conversations before we met and he was kind of similar to me aka he probably went on more dates and was sarcastic af but, was totally NOT my type physically and I knew I would never be physically attracted to

The Sassy One

him. We still hung out a few more times as friends until he stopped trying to grab my hand and texting me consecutively. It all worked out for the best because I did end up cuddling with him the first time we met and the thought slightly repulsed me every time I met him again.

What’s your

favorite position

in bed?

Near the wall, so I can use my phone while it’s charging.

2/10 Pros: Leg day Cons: Day after leg day

Chapter Forty One The One Who Made Me Walk If I’m calling him that after living in NYC for a bit, I probably walked more than a normal new yorker would and my average is 6 miles so I’m not being fussy. We decided to meet at Central Park (look at me growing up with my date choices). It was summer and it would’ve been a crime to waste a beautiful day. By this time I had committed to having week long conversations with guys before deciding to meet them in a completely non alcohol induced environment at a reasonable hour.

Oh who am I kidding, the next chapter is literally the same shit I always end up doing. Anyway, we met and he was kind of different in person, but not exactly catfish material. I decided to overlook that but the conversation was so dull it was making me drowsy. I almost took a nap on the grass and wouldn’t have minded his company as long as he kept an eye out for my bag. We walked literally almost all of Central Park and I was trying to escape but every time I tried to walk closer towards the street he always took another turn which sounds hilarious now that I ‘m looking back on it. We finally got out and he wanted to hang out more, of course, but I said I had to leave and watch GOT alone since that’s a thing I did, not. He asked for a pity hug before he dropped me off at the subway which I obliged to but thankfully he got the hint and that was it. Yeah, I know I’m pretty disappointed in how non dramatic this date was as well. I did get 12000 steps in so it was not entirely futile for me.

Chapter Forty Two The One With The Facts I met him with a group of his friends at a bar and he just kept going on about magnets or some other scientific facts. I literally do not remember what he was babbling about all night. My date went back home pretty soon. His friends, however were rational normal adults and liked me enough to invite me to smoke up with them later, which I declined out of good judgement. I did however rectify my earlier “Search for the bumble bff” mistake and gave my number to one of them who never texted after I cancelled on brunch. Personal Milestone : By this point I have gone through 2 whole dates without sticking my tongue down anybody’s throat.

That is soon about to change.

4/10 Pros: Did not drunk make out Cons: Not cute enough for a drunk makeout sesh

Chapter Forty Three The One Like My Homies I decided to hang out with this kid who was visiting from Philly and he wasn’t really into it at the beginning cause he prolly thought I was some sketchy person. After he finally agreed, he ended up at another branch of the same bar which was super frustrating for the first 10 minutes that I was trying to spot him at the bar and basically feared being catfished again. He wanted to go to a club after. Cant blame him considering he had just turned 21 . He did admit the bar was cool but we ended up going to a club where we got blessedly drunk. It would’ve been a pretty standard cuddle sesh night except that he wanted to have sex ofcourse but didn’t have any condoms. I was going to say no anyway, which all of you know by now, but I didn’t. So he tried to order : insert subtle brand advertising here: condoms from GoPuff at 4 am which also ended up being the funniest customer care conversation I’ve heard in a long time. He tried to get his order to process even though they stop delivering at 3 am and ended up ordering like 20 packs instead.

He called up a customer care dude who prolly didn’t hate his job one night and sounded pretty fucking amused throughout the conversation.

Him: My order isn’t going through.

Customer Care Guy: Let me take a look.

Pauses, prolly puts him on mute and laughs at the inventory, resurfaces to state that they don’t deliver after 3 am.

Amused Customer Care Guy Who Loves His Job At This Point: Can you wait?

At this point I’m laughing like a maniac because that statement is part cruel and warms my heart.

The One Like My Homies Him: Whatever, just cancel it.

Orders an Uber and leaves.

I did end up meeting him at a bar when I went to Philly but I was bored pretty quick so I bailed. Plus he was taking way too long to get me a drink anyway.

7/10 Pros: He could "wait" Cons: Too young

1/10 Pros: Did not cuddle Cons: Had to share bed

Chapter Forty Four The Irish I feel so bad about dates that were more eventful but didn’t make it to the book because of previous dates that were super blah or normal, which is basically the same. I was flying to Seattle the next morning and my ritual of catching an early af flight is to either stay out all night or invite someone over so I don’t pass out and miss my flight. I texted this guy who was visiting from Ireland and he did come over after some deliberation but we had zero connection If I’m skeptical of calling someone over it’s not because I think they’ll kill my in my sleep but because they might kill a few brain cells with their boring conversations. I passed out sans cuddling and told him he could leave when I did. He was nice enough to not be creepy and basically just sleep. Maybe his hotel room was shittier than my place and he was just grateful to have a comfy bed.

9/10 Pros:Handled me at my worst Cons:Shall never love me

Chapter Forty Five The One With The Socks

This was the hardest chapter to write because I’m still talking to him and he’s probably one of the first people to read the entire book. We met under very strange circumstances in the middle of nowhere i.e Bloomington, Indiana. The lack of college kids that went back home over the break or just people in general probably induced the biggest anxiety attack I’ve had, 5 minutes into the date. Even though he was very nice and offered to hold my hand and walk me back to his place I probably fucked it up in my anxiety ridden state by appearing entitled and insisting on ordering an uber to his place that was less than 2 blocks away. After which I promptly crashed on his bed for what seemed like hours - 6 hours in real time before I could even get up and feel human again. He was pretty chill throughout except for the fact that he made me watch some inconsequential movie while I was secretly hoping I didn’t die. It’s fair though cause I was probably eating into his netflix time anyway. I thought that would be it and I’d never see him again, until I texted a random reference to socks that he made and that basically lead to me shamelessly double texting 16 times in a row for months. He came to NYC and we hung out again and even though it would’ve never worked with the distance it sort of got to the point where I felt exactly the way I did with The One I Never Met and I guess I’m just the kind of person who doesn’t do well without validation so I basically blew him off and didn’t talk to him for months. But then I missed him and the constant reassurance of having someone there to text the randomest shit to, so I texted him again. And I don’t know if these are misplaced feelings or if we’re just supposed to be there for each other emotionally till we find someone but I’ve never

The One With The Socks met someone who is the complete opposite of me yet kind of understands why I do most of the things I do. Or atleast puts up with it, on text. I can’t really summarize this chapter yet but maybe he needs to hang out with me again so that he can meet someone he can be happy with after.

You’ve become so

damaged that when someone wants to give you what you deserve,

you have no idea how to respond.

4/10 Pros: Didn't take the subway Cons: Ghosted without reason again

Chapter Forty Six The Other Creative The Irish Yet another date who left no explanation as to why he ghosted me eventually. My heart was totally not into dating after being exhausted by dates turning out to be complete failures constantly. But I was pushed into socializing by my long time high school friend and then roomie as revenge for turning her into a Tinder addict after she moved to NYC so I went. Also because the guy worked right behind my work which would prolly mean future cute lunch dates. He was also in the same industry as I am so it was more like what Shapr would do. It was a pleasant conversation, one that I would not have minded to end with a goodbye kiss but clearly that’s not what he was thinking and even though he did text back he just sounded disinterested so I let it go. A newly acquired skill that I’m not finding hard to exercise at all.

He who pays

attention attention.

deserves

Chapter Forty Seven The One With The Girlfriend Girls looking out for other girls is so important. But girls also end up being skeptical of other girls. I met this gorgeous specimen of mankind from Switzerland and his equally beautiful friend who were on a 3 month trip around the states at a rooftop bar. It was also his birthday and everybody just wants attention on their birthday, which I had plenty to give to him and his abs. We were joined by two more girls later who they had apparently run into on their trip to Vegas which slightly annoyed me. So I alternated between chilling with him and my friends. This is why you should always have backups on a Tinder date and turn it into a group hang so you’re in the clear when it goes either way. When I flitted back to his group with a little more liquid courage, ready to take my man for the night back, one of the girls told me that he had a girlfriend back home and since she thought I was really nice and didn’t want me to get hurt I should know. My instincts told me that she was lying and this was probably a ploy to get me to leave. I went up to him and asked him if he did and he said yes and that he felt real guilty for inviting me. Since it was also his birthday I just wished him and went to see Mr Fijiwiji, which is also the stage name of another extremely gorgeous 20 yr old DJ play instead. Sigh.

5/10 Pros:Drop dead gorgeous Cons: Too loyal

I only accept ‘K’ from my mom.

I only accept ‘K’ from my mom.

I only accept ‘K’ from my mom.

Chapter Forty Eight The Obnoxious One

To think my disclaimer of no Indian guys would’ve taught me better. I don’t know why I thought he would be fine even though he made me end up going to Williamsburg to hang out which is the worst idea ever because I hate moving after a few drinks and it always ends up in an expensive uber ride back home. He was extremely obnoxious and didn’t even bother making conversation. Just stared at the bar and then expected me to finish my drink and go back to his place. Deja vu much? Even though my uber back cost like a gazillion bucks my greatest regret however, is forgetting to check in at the really cute bar and not remembering the name after.

-1/10 Pros: I ventured outside Manhattan Cons: Everything I despise about men

Chapter Forty Nine The Normal One

No, normal is not a synonym for boring here. This date was a very mature adult date where I met someone at a respectable hour at a nice bar and spent an hour talking to them about stuff and then mutually decided that it wasn’t really going to work out and said goodbye. But then again if this is how all dates played out for me I wouldn’t be writing this wonderful book so I guess having one normal date in my book is a given forgiven.

1/10 Pros: I can be mature Cons: Took me 20 minutes to remember who this chapter was for

Chapter Fifty The British Disappointment I can say this with certainty because I’m writing this chapter after my UK trip that the so called urban myth I’ve been trying to refute is unfortunately true. A large chunk of the British do have really bad teeth and that is such a personal turn off.

Exceptionally good teeth after abs are innate to my swiping habits. No fault of his own but yeah, that basically killed it for me. Also, it’s about time dating apps added the height feature out of courtesy. I mean I don’t really care but most short guys totally freak out when they see that I’m usually much taller than them with my heels on and then proceed to get totally awkward throughout the date which is just annoying because if I wanted to be annoyed i would call my mom instead.

1/10 Pros: Pisco Sour at Sel Rrose Cons: Worst kiss #2

7/10 Pros: Great therapy session Cons: FWB minus B material

Chapter Fifty One The One Who Made Me Realize This date basically compromised the entire branding of my book because he made me realize that fifty first tinder dates basically meant 50 first dates and he was supposed to be the last one. I was totally was not prepared to end my Tinder journey in a super non dramatic way drinking craft beer and discussing his girl problems like a shrink with a 49 date expertise on my sister’s porch. So apart from being good at math and trying to get me to go back to his place after he was done expressing his unrequited love for some other chick it was actually a very nice evening spent discussing our dating issues.

Note: By this point I've been on like 61 dates maybe but I've honestly stopped keeping track because I'm trying to have normal dates and not justify the ones that don't work out with the consolation of a new chapter left looming behind them as they walk away.

10/10 (Cheesy I know) Pros: Fucking perfect for me Cons: Current relationship status:unknown

Chapter Fifty Two The Last One I know that a lot of people have been banking on him being The One but unfortunately I do have to add the word last before it because I don’t know if he might end up being just The One. It was poetically one of the best dates ( Yes, plural! Well only two but yay me!) I had. It was even better because ironically I wasn’t expecting anything except another chapter. At this point, I just wanted to finish the book while i was on vacation in Chicago before I went back to school so I could use the next break to write it. I decided to meet this guy later that day after a sleep induced conversation in the AM. I had my cousin third wheel us because I was expecting it to be a quick painless date for an hour that would wrap up my book neatly. However it ended up lasting like 12 hours the first time we met and 13 the next time. Oh, and my cousin pretended not to know me and left us alone for the entirety of it. Reasons why I think he was closest to being The One: 1. He dressed up for the date. Effort is super appreciated!

2. I was his first tinder date and he didn’t know what to expect and of course I have a wonderful way of putting people at ease but he was ever so slightly nervous and that was adorbs.

3. I had no idea whether he was into me or not and I was half expecting him to say no when I asked him to bar hop with me that night [ Later I found out he thought I would never ask him to meet me again, so this was perfect confused harmony!]

4. He’s smart and of course cute and the right amount of cocky and fun and even though I didn’t really have time to develop any sort of substantial feelings I did decide to have sex with him although that didn’t go quite as planned as always so maybe i am “impossible to have sex with.” as quoted by chapter 38 the only other

The Last One contender in my quest to get over my intimacy issues.

For those of you who have been reading this since the start, you know that my curse prevails and is very much real because literally 20 out of my 51 dates, or at least the ones that I still stalk on some form of social media have found the one right after I left them. And while hopefully he still hasn’t met anyone these reasons are why the curse wants me to be single forever.

1. We live on the opposite ends of Chicago so it was kind of like long distance within the city. It took me more than an hour to go back home from his place in an uber, no shit.

2. I flew back to NYC the week I met him.

3. I visit Chicago every 10 weeks but I decided to go to the UK this break and of course that had to happen after I finally met someone I would’ve liked to see again.

However, I may end up moving to Chicago for a bit after I graduate and if he does start dating before that happens I will chuck a heavier book at some head.

It’s silly isn’t it? You’re surrounded by people who love you and you can only think about the ones who don’t.

Life after Tinder: I am so turned off by the interface of the app.

For real though. I am still dating but on Bumble now. No, there shall not be a sequel. The yellow appeals to me and they def have hotter guys.

Plus the whole 24 hr deadline on both ends makes the unending list of matches organized.

I'm always exercising my copywriting skills by phrasing funny pick up lines from their bios or pictures. New project maybe?

End Note: I cannot believe I've condensed this journey into mere 100 pages considering that it has been such a big chunk of my life in America so far. There were times when I actually enjoyed dating and most importantly got to try so many drinks. I should've been doing a cocktail review book all along. Damn. Thanks for reading! Most of you, well everyone who read till the end (I'm assuming most because misery loves company) have figured out that behind all the snarky

comments this book is actually geared towards me discovering who I really am as a person when it comes to relationships and clearly I've made no progress, except get bitchier. If any of you give my number to Alcoholics Anonymous I will find you and I will drown you in beer...and then drink it. ps: Yes, I am currently single. Until that guy texts me back and we can celebrate our 2 day anniversary.

I think relationships in general are

over romanticized over romanticized over romanticized

Like at the end of the day I’m pretty sure a good relationship is just two people who know how to hang out and talk to each other not whether or not they can right all your wrongs or paint a picture of a thousand suns with the breath from your lungs or some shit.

1657 matches. 124 drinks. 16 months. 51 boys. 1 dating app.

I’m 23. I’ve never had sex and I just installed Tinder. What started out as a class project to document every tinder date I go on turned into a journey of self discovery with less Eat more Drink and a ton of Lust. Do I finally get laid? That’s not the ultimate goal. But hey if it happens, it happens. However, if this book ends halfway you know the odds of meeting true love or a serial killer.