F ro m th e auth o r of “ I forgot to press command + s“ a nd “ We’re out of coffee & other scary things your roommate could say “ co m e s a n oth e r s e ri e s of u n fo rtu n ate e v e nts b a s e d on fi rs t w o r l d p ro b le m s .
Endured by
UNNATI MARDA
Once upon a time
a 23 year old emotionally unavailable Art Director with questionable outfit decisions decided to cut down on her breathing space and move to Manhattan. From the lack of text friendly sidewalks to dodging windowless apartments, nothing could stop her determination to make it ( to work ) in the big city. But as fate budget would have it, she had to move Uptown ( skip meals to still afford to have a view of Central Park ) invariably cross paths with the Big Bad Metra everyday.
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At first she thought it posed no real threat since her swiping skills were on point - thanks to Tinder but little did she know that she would be sleeping with piles of Metra card and debt every night instead. Even though the struggle was often disguised by large sweaty crowds, people yelling about knives when she was the only other person in the train compartment, drunk dudes almost falling on babies in strollers, hearing Jesus loves you ( probably the only person who does, idk why she’s even complaining ) 12 times a day, the real perpetrator was Metra his crony Turnstile.
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Battle 1: Choosing between a monthly pass and Electric Daisy Carnival tickets. Battle 2: Numerous injuries from swiping and striding past the Turnstile confiendently and suffering from partial whiplash when it didn’t actually work because there’s a particular speed in which you need to swipe that heinous piece of plastic.
Battle 3:
Realizing that some people suck at their jobs and there’s nothing you can do about it. CLearly a response to See Agent flash on the turnstile is to hand over an envelope addressed to MTA. So basically she was just supposed to stand there for 4 days and wait for her pass to be mailed back to her? Greatest excuse to not show up to work ever.
Battle 4:Accidentally using the non monthly pass twice. Yet another reason to feel like a complete failure.
Showdown aka my greatest fear:(yet to happen) Losing that shit and then my shit collectively.
YOU SHALL NOT PASS
THEREFORE,even though she is cursed to live in constant fear every
day and reflect on her poor choices in picking a monthly pass , her premeditated move to Hells Kitchen will reduce run ins and potentially rubbing him the wrong way, Hence leaving him to lie under a deplorable pile of laundry in her closet plotting his next scheme for the glorious moment someone decides to have drunch somewhere unwalkable like the East Village.
Practice makes perfect? Maybe. Maybe not. You might as well quit while you’re at it since you look stupid anyway. Someone wise once said commented on my Facebook post:
“ A CHIP
EMBEDDED IN OUR BUMS WOULD BE WAY BETTER. “ But until then . . .