3 minute read

Dionysus and the Pirates

The god Dionysus, you’ll most often find is Neck deep in some wine with his dinner. Or watching a play, with little dismay as comeuppance occurs to the sinner. He is the god, whose been given the nod to organise wine, dance and song. The Greek Bacchanalia were ever in favour with him for all the day long. But if you might think, this partying kink meant there was no serious edge; You’d be much mistaken, and possibly shaken by what some of the stories allege. When he was young, the demi-god hung around the Ionian coast.

But then he decided that he should be guided, to the Greek lands he’d heard of the most. He chartered a ship, in which he could slip, over the sea without strife.

But it can’t have been more, than one day from shore, when he was in danger of losing his life!

A big gang of pirates, eyes squinting and irate barged their way onto his vessel. Demanding their money, not to do anything funny, or they’d end up in a dangerous wrestle. Now Dionysus sat calmly, as the sea lapped so balmy against the broad lip of the craft. Behind his gold eyes, the ire did rise, accompanied by a sinister laugh. Rising from the deep, with an unnatural creep came the whispering wriggle of vines. Their ominous strength, surrounded the length of the boat, with broad leaves and sharp tines. The pirates did panic, and with speed brought by manic distress, did leap to the ocean. But whilst in mid dive, with a gasp and writhe, as their bodies convulsed in this motion: Their arms became flat, their skin became matte and their legs fused from hip to below knee Their noses stretched out, necks developed a spout and their shouts became a “Kikikikiki.”

Now instead of those thugs, and robbers who’d mug all the ships going from Turkey to Greece, a new pod of dolphins, stuffed full with endorphins swam in the blue finally at peace.

And it just goes to show, that everyone should know to never take a god by surprise, as even the one who is focused on fun is happy to cause your demise.

Elsie Barnett and Grace Edmunds The Hand and the Goat

The hand is trying to punish the goat for eating too much grass. At the moment, he is pleading guilty. The dark revolting room is used for criminal torture. The smoke coming from the used cigarettes cannot escape. Every second you stay in there, the more smoke fills your lungs until finally you can no longer breath. The smoke fills the air until the only thing you can see is the fingertip pointing at you, waiting for you to admit your crime.

(Goat is waiting for his lawyer)

Goat: bleat bleat bleat

(Hand does not care and slaps the goat in the face)

Hand: (does sign language)

(The goat hears the echoing sound of the clock ticking, waiting for the lawyer to come)

Goat: bleat bleat

(Hand slaps down a piece of paper)

Hand: (does sign language)

(The goat looks a bit confused)

Goat: bleat bleat bleat

(The hand says it is a confession paper)

Hand: (does sign language)

(The goat does not sign it)

Goat: bleat bleat bleat bleat

(The hand gets angry and kills the goat)

Hand: (does sign language)

Pointing at the goat:

Hand: Hello

Goat: Hi

Hand: Your future looks mystical

Goat: How do you know?

Hand: Why did you kill the pig?

Goat: Why are you a massive hand?

Hand: This is no game and if it was, I have the upper hand! Did you eat the pig?

Goat: Fine Yes, I did.

Hand: Whatever floats your goat!

———————

Hand: What reality show did you go on?

Goat: Britain’s – goat talent.

Goat: To be honest I don’t know how I got here.

Hand: Now let’s get to the interview; I’ve had my goatmeal and I’m ready to roll!

Goat: I don’t know how I got into the fight.

Hand: I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great.

———————

Hand: If I have five oranges in one hand and six in the other, what do I have?

Very big hands.

Goat: Oh, my goat.

Hand:

SUSPENSION?

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