4 minute read
I Don’t Belong Here
I am sure I am not the only one to have thought they did not belong somewhere whether it be due to my skin color, gender, or the language I speak. There are several reasons for someone not feeling like they belong. Personally, I have never truly felt like I did not belong somewhere as everywhere I went in my life, I was usually accepted flaws and all. It is not matter about who I was or what I was because everyone around me was different too. As I had never truly experienced the feeling of being an outsider within a community I felt connected to, it shocked me when I had decided to move to Japan and I finally experienced the feeling of “I don’t belong here. So how did I get to this point.
To begin, I came to Japan a year and a half ago in 2021 of which I was only at the beginning of my journey here in Japan. Being half Japanese and never having lived in Japan I thaught that this would be the point in my life where I would be embrace my Japanese culture and community
and it along would embrace me as well. However, this innocent thoughts of a sense of belonging was soon crushed after I had more experiences in Japan. Initially, it was not too obvious. I got the occasional strong stare of someone in restaurants, on the train, or on the side walk. These things were expected because I was brown and Japan is a very homogeneous country so to see someone of my complection walk around was probably not very normal and was somewhat shocking to see. Nevertheless, within the second month that I had been in Japan is when I started to feel that it became slightly more obvious as those around me and who I considered my friends to see me as an outsider. Within the first semesters that I had at Temple, I was fully online due to the Coronavirus situation. As a result, the only community that I had access to were those within my dorm. Everyone was Japanese and I felt like I could connect to them because of our shared cultural background. However, no matter how much we had in common I noticed that they would never regard me as someone who is Japanese. I see that sometimes they keep me out of certain conversations or activities because they feel that I would not like
it because I am not 100% Japanese and I would never be able to understand them at that level.
While many of my Japanese friends regarded me as an outsider, it was never just them either. My family as well has a tendency to keep me out or push me away because they feel that I will never be able to understand in a deeper level when it comes to being a Japanese person. They do not think that I suffer from the same expectation that they are being held at due to the fact that I am an outsider. It hurt the most when those who are supposed to be so close to you are the ones who tend to push you away even though you feel as if you belong.
Additionally, this feeling of “I do not belong here” also has manifested on a nation wide level due to the fact hat there are rules that physically make half children become the outsider that they do not want to be. As many of those who live within Japan know, once a child with dual nationality (Only Japanese national) are required to choose which nationality they will use for the rest of their lives. Japan does not allow those with dual citizenship to continue to have Japanese
citizenship once they turn the age of 21, they must choose one. Many of which choose the other citizenship. Nevertheless, while this rule is not 100% enforced the fact that it still exists can make someone feel as if the country that they identify with or have a connection to does not feel the same way.
All of these experiences here in Japan has made me feel as an outsider. I never truly feel connected to everyone of my Japanese friends at my dorm or family as they never truly see me in the same way. The community that I wanted and looked forward to getting to know when I came to Japan did not meet the expectations and fantasy that I had in my head. I understand that I will never truly be able to fit in here or be accepted as Japanese here. Overall, the feeling of “I don’t belong here” will forever resonate with me, but it will never discourage me from being here and I hope that it does not discourage others either. We do belong here and we should not let anyone else tell us any different.
-Ayaka Dowdy
