Choose YOU

I have recently noticed the increasing use of phrases like “self-care Sundays”, “me time”, “setting boundaries”, etc. As a mental health advocate, I am proud to see that there is somewhat of a global shift towards intentional wellness and mindfulness.

I recall, as a young black African woman beginning her career in advertising, how unaware I was of the concept “mental health”. Let alone any jargon that aptly describes the behaviors which characterize wellness. I had inherited so many poor coping mechanisms from my time at university - where binge drinking and greasy foods served as the proverbial ‘self-care’ approach to tackling stress and life’s challenges. The truth is I did not know any better. Most of us did not. Take a walk around any university campus today, and you are guaranteed to come across multiple efforts that create awareness around wellness and mental health - posters; events; campus radio station initiatives; and onsite student support centers. Considering this shift in awareness, the question which I pose is: “Why are we women so willing to self-sacrifice at the expense of our well-being”? I speak for myself when I say that I never knew any other way to exist but to put the needs of others before my own. I argue that women are generally brought up to be nurturing and cater to the needs of others, often sacrificing our own in the process. Men (perhaps due to inherent cultural norms and beliefs) seem more able to put their own needs first. While it may be easier to take on a victimhood mentality and wave the ‘gender card’ (which is valid sometimes), I do believe that the onus lies with us women to be intentional about putting our needs, ourselves, first. “But how”?, you might ask. Here are a few tips that I have found to work well for myself and many of my peers:

Learn to say NO

Find confidence in knowing that “No” is a full sentence. The perceived success ceiling has been

Superwoman culture is toxic.

placed so high and we often feel like we have been set up to fail before we have started. So why would we say no when we constantly feel the need to prove ourselves. It may not be easy or come naturally at first, but you need to start somewhere. Especially when knowing that saying yes will leave you in a deficit.

Close that door, and lock it!

Setting boundaries can be very challenging - particularly when you do not know what defines your space and time. As a mother to a seven-yearold and an 18-month-old , I have had to really question what boundaries look like for me. I realized that the only way to have a moment alone is to feign needing the bathroom. So, I often ‘run away’, leaving my kids with their dad or nanny. I shut the door, lock it, and I find my moment to just breathe and recalibrate. This serves as an analogy for any situation that requires boundaries. Whether it be at work, with friends or with family. Just shut the door and do not forget to lock it.

Take that day off

On my Instagram vlog, @mental_wealth_with_ ida, I recorded an episode where I declared that “superwoman culture” is toxic. I further stated that I am no one’s hero - granted, at the time, I was knee deep in my postpartum hormonal disruptions and very high-strung. I do however still stand by the statement. As women, we can juggle so many roles, but do we always have to? We need to learn the art of resting. So, sis, take that day off!!! An easy way to achieve this may be to schedule it into your diary—in ink!

Buy those shoes

I love how self-explanatory the word “self-care” is. It simply says care for yourself. It seems intuitive and obvious that one would cater to themselves, but often not easy to practice. Feelings of guilt and unworthiness often come to mind for many women when it comes to self-care. Look out for and spoil yourself occasionally. For me, that means a trip to the coast, or a new pair of sunglasses, or at times, a visit to my favorite restaurant for a delectable treat. For you it may be a cup of coffee at your favorite café in between school drop-offs, or a weekly one-hour ladies’ get-together because you crave adult conversation (without any kids) as a new mom.

Ladies, I encourage you — I encourage us – to take control of the narrative of our lives. Let us steer clear of self-sabotaging habits and practice loving and choosing ourselves first. by Ida Achiume Shiaka