US #26 | PERSONA Rameses Frederick, Curator, Rig A. Rush, Creative Director, Darius Cureton, Content Editor Clarence Gabriel. Editor Contributors: Daniel Theodore Harris Barry Barnes Jide Macaulay Olubode Shawn Brown
Rod McCoy T. Darby Nick Mitchell Meg Zulch
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Marcus Wiley Black Wave America
CONTENTS.
MOMENTS forward
affirming us
i believe love is
mix they & them
social [ love ]
self perception
feel the boost
claiming our respect & value
07 09 17 18 20 23 24 26
know thy self
various
darby, t
zulch, m
wiley, m
annonymous
mitchell, m
black wave america
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FORWARD Know Thy Self MY VOICE Do I feel heard in my primary relationships? Am I speaking up in a way that people hear me? PERSONAL CAPABILITY Do you challenge myself and take steps to achieve my personal goals and grow in my skills? ADULT RELATIONSHIP Do I interact, offer support and rely on 1,2 or 3 adults that I trust? PHYSICAL NURTURING Do I feed, groom, exercise, receive touch and rest (sleep) my physical body on a consistent basis? CREATIVITY Do I set aside time to express myself in creative ways? SELF COMPASSION Do I practice gentleness and grace with myself? Do I accept my imperfections? CONTRIBUTION Do I feel that I am contributing to my family and/or my world in meaningful ways? LIMIT SETTING Do I hold myself and others accountable in ways that promote growth for all? ~Think it Through
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AFFIRMING US
Daniel | Barry | Jide | Olubode | Rod
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EVERETT DANIEL THEODORE HARRIS
Daniel declares… In my life, there are many things that I am passionate about. One thing that has captured the essence of what I am passionate about on a physical level is the search for my biological father. I wish to know more about that side of my family as I feel somewhat of a void in my life in the not knowing. It’s important to know who I am holistically because it is that holistic level of knowledge that helps enable me (as well as other individuals) to discover what my true calling and purpose is in life. Passion does not only extend to what can be physically manifested, but what spiritually motivates us. On a spiritual level, the idea or notion of miracles and the movement of spiritual energy that we feel in our human forms is fascinating. When the miracle of spiritual energy transmutes into physical energy, it leads to mental and emotional wellness. This is what I believe begins the true journey of being a healer. This journey of being a healer has also come with many life lessons that add to my wellspring of knowledge. I have spent my whole life thus far negating my brilliance and greatness. I have had difficulty pinpointing environments that are conducive to the development of both my unborn and realized creativity. Furthermore, this negation reflects my insatiable desire to “fit in” or be accepted in social circles where I would stick out like a “sore thumb.” I have learned that I am constantly trapped in restrictive notions of blackness, masculinity, class, sexuality, and humanity. Because of the restrictions, it has become even more difficult to come into myself as a “free” person - not just carefree but truly free. One of the greatest lessons in my becoming free is understanding and immersing myself in the process of forgiveness. I am still a work in progress, but I am gradually learning how to forgive in such a manner that it is second nature to me. Another lesson that I have learned is how to accept myself as a creation or as a process of creativity. Being critical of myself and my work has taught me patience. In the same vein of creativity, I have also accepted myself as a creative soul. This means that I celebrate my “weirdness” because in those moments, some of the most beautiful outcomes in my life have been revealed. Learning life lessons does not come without sacrifice. There have been times where I have felt lost. I always feel as if I am lost, but finding my way is part of the adventure that we all call “life.” By my side in this adventure has always been music. It has offered itself as a useful contraption of discovery. Music also has served as my compass, my protection, my “manna from heaven,” my balm or salve, and as a form of prayer/mediation. After a devastating car accident in 2012, and a culmination of other destructive events that year, I began to develop an uncanny connection to spirituality. There are times where I am in a particular physical/geographic location (such as a store, mall, restaurant, etc.) and my spirit will not allow me to leave at that time. Moments later, I will run into someone who will change the course of my day. The connection to my spirit guides me to be more attuned to my overall mental health. Self-care and self sustainability is so important to me and should be more focused on within our community. Having a sense of calm in the midst of chaos can be life altering. When I feel like giving up, I remind myself of this calmness. This allows me to unapologetically “have several seats,”“chill out” and continue to be “present” for myself until my emotions have gotten under control. I
realize the potential damage I can do to myself and others if I do not take advantage of and mentally document these precious moments. Currently, I am on a journey of self care and promoting health and wellness among Black men. In 2014, doors opened for me to start a nonprofit called, The Forward Firm Inc. (TFF). TFF has a vision of creating a culture where black men can define and celebrate their lives. Our mission is to advance health equity among underserved populations through creative expression. Our core values are what we call the ”Crown Model”. We strive to be inclusive, interfaith,and intergenerational, in a way that is innovative and impactful. In conjunction with my life events and talents, I engaged in the process of being a community builder or culture curator. I want to understand the importance of symbols.I also want to create a system that could serve as a movement, a fashion label, or a sacred emblem. This will create an infrastructure that will fund itself through financial, social, and spiritual capital to build institutions - driving us to R.E.A.C.T. (use Research, Education, Advocacy, Creative expression and technology) to promote equity and restorative justice. Similar to the format of interventions used in HIV Prevention, I created a nine (9) week health and wellness intervention for black men, adaptable to each age range. This intervention curriculum is complimented with a rites of passage and stipend. The intervention will serve to foster healthier notions of masculinity and brotherhood. Through partnerships and collaborations, the goal is to offer the programs in schools and community centers in every major city. With experience, comes wisdom. There are many nuggets of wisdom that I try to impart to others but two specific ones that I constantly tell myself are to take care of myself and be silent. It is important to “listen for the silence.” Silence helps me to BE. Tough times require us to BE who we are/were called to BE, and to BE what is required at that time. As mentioned before, being lost is a part of one’s life adventure. More specifically, feeling lost is an emotion that is needed because it signals you not only to find your way, but to find yourself. When you find yourself, define your position, needs, wants and dreams. It is important to realize that YOU ARE THE WAY. Take time to center yourself. That is a process only you can define and the universe will assist you. The buzz phrase right now is “living your best life.” Taking care of myself through eating well and engaging in good workouts helps me to live my best life. I also enjoy being around beautiful people, creating calming atmospheres, learning new things, and challenging myself intellectually. Only you can determine what your “best life” is, but I believe that we have an awesome opportunity to create institutions that provide solutions to the “ills” that plague us. We also have the power to revitalize well established organizations with fresh wind and new ideas.
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BARRY BARNES
Barry brings out that… Although I am at a point in my life (my late 50’s) where many others would feel that I should be established, settled, and secure in who and whose I am, I am still in search of true happiness - especially still being single. Daily, I continue to live a life where I strive to truly understand myself. Identity plays a major role in this journey. The way I have defined identity within myself is as a confident, self-assured, black man who prides himself in the great abilities to see others for who they are, not what they are worth. I also value the identities of others whom I believe in as we all continue the fight of life! Although as minorities who are so misappropriated, mistreated, mishandled, and misunderstood within our society, if we continue to speak up, speak out and come together as a race, I believe we will take our prominent place and re-capture our rightful position in society. Along with defining identity comes the question of how does sexuality contribute to that definition. I strongly believe that sexuality and identity are not mutually exclusive for the simple reason that sexuality is a subset of who you are. Like a pie that is cut into several sections, sexuality is a slice of the pie of identity. My identity is validated everyday as I am graciously given an opportunity to love, share, empower and live life as I engage with my brothers and sisters from all social scenes be it LGBTQ+ or Straight. At the end of the day, we must discover ways to uplift each other and cast aside petty differences. Within the journey of defining my own identity and validating the identities of others, the most challenging thing I have learned about myself is that I tend to be a people pleaser; putting my needs and dreams on back burners. This is detrimental to my discovery because putting others needs before my own slows progress in my confidence. However, three significant things I have found that have made me confident and proud thus far are my ability to love freely, work in excellence always, and never forget where I come from. They are significant to me because they are the tools my father equipped me with in the toolkit of life’s journey.
As well equipped as I may have been, there are times where I still feel lost. In life’s
journey, getting lost at times is constant, especially when things begin to move too fast. For me, to find my way through those times I have to remember who I am, where I started, and that the end is only an indication of what the future has in store for me. What I tell myself through tough times is “that this too will pass; nothing last forever!” When things are tough, that period of time only allows you to enjoy the good times that are just over the horizon and on their way! What I would say to my fellow community members in the midst of being lost is, trust in self and believe in your own abilities to continue the journey. It a long and winding road, the but the end is truly worth it! Like many others have affirmed, our lives are like movies for which we are the authors and co-authors of the scripts. Sometimes it is awesome to see how our lives can be portrayed by some of our favorite movies. If there was a movie that best symbolized my life thus far it would have to be the classic, “All About Eve” with Betty Davis. This movie shows us that sometimes we need to slow down, realize our time is up and step down! There will always be someone waiting in the wings to take our “spot” (whatever that spot may be). However, we must remember they are not truly taking our “spot”, but walking into their spot and in turn, you are walking into your next elevation. In all of the journey and defining of my identity, I still have time to progress my work and affirm others. Currently, I am preparing my legacy by creating opportunities for the next generation to step in, step up the game and make as much space for them to grow and blossom. In a phrase, I am working to help the next generation build self-confidence. Without it, no dreams, no journey, no success would be obtainable for life’s ever continuously changing road! As a side note, a sprinkle of humbleness is mandatory for great levels of self-confidence and shows a true sign of maturity. It is only through these attributes that we can all live our best life authentically and freely in our truths.
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ISO: AFFIRMING US
Storm Your Life
JIDE
M ACAU L AY #IWalkWithMyHeadHeldHigh 1) Name 3 things you have found that have made you confident and proud thus far in life and why are they significant to you? I. Prayer and meditation: Praying and meditating has been a powerful source of my confidence and happiness, the ability to apply my Christian faith in an increasing and growing rhetoric of hatred due to being open and affirming of my sexual orientation meant that I am faced with daily abuses which often cause anxieties, stress and depression. Over the years, I have to accept that I can do nothing about being gay and since I love the Lord and I also believe God loves me, I made prayer and medication a very visible presence of my life journey. II. Accepting to be a role model and pioneer: It is difficult for anyone to accept they are role models and or pioneer, for me when I look back in my life at this stage, I am so grateful that I have been able to craft within me the aspect of becoming a role model, I explain this in the sense that I struggled to find anyone who is Black British of Nigeria descent, openly gay ordained Christian theologian. I have nonetheless found inspiration from all kinds of people who make up the beautiful shades of diversity and sentiments I live by. III. Accepting my sexuality as a gay man a gift from God: When I finally accept that I am gay and that there is nothing I can do about it. I see all the pains and sorrows, the fears and the anxieties as a building block towards my resilience. Often people call me stubborn and evil but I say of myself that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made”. Acceptance comes with a price of letting go all the names calling and the rejections from society, community, friends and family. Self-Acceptance is key if you are to maintain your sanity and self-worth. 2) Describe a time where you “felt lost” and how did you “find your way” through that moment? I felt lost for about seven years of my life, between 1987 and 1994, from the time I dated and married a woman whilst trying hard to live up to the expectation of a heterosexual African man, this was the greatest regret of my entire life. Not only do I express regret, I will for the rest of my life be remorseful and apologetic to the people I hurt, foremost my ex-wife, then my son and everyone else. I truly don’t blame anyone for hating or despising me because I am gay. There were times in my journey of life that I hated myself and have considered suicide as an option. Coming out as gay was the way out. I thought it was going to be easy but life became more unbearable, with family and church community rejections. But I was determined to at least try, I search for love in the hands of men that would hurt me and use me. Though rejection from my faith community hurts, I never felt abandoned by God but yet I didn’t understand his ways. I joined several Christian communities until I found the Metropolitan Community Church where my journey of reconciliation of my faith and sexuality was set and approved. I found my way through many moments by not giving up even when the hardship of life was unacceptable and things were too difficult. I found my way by devoting more time to God, to Jesus Christ who is truly my friend, Lord and savior, nothing compares to the ineffable love of God and the inclusive gospel of Jesus. I spent time getting to know “who I am and whose I am”. Today, I am totally in love with myself just the way I am. 3) We tend to prioritize who we are, what we are, & where we are, but why are you the way you are?
I am the way I am because there is no other valuable way for me to be any other way. Growing up I didn’t always understand the intrinsic value of my sexuality, I was raised in a Christian household with very conservative and violent father. So discovering who are I am in terms of my sexuality was a statement., I fought against it even when it was obvious. Also having being raised in a homogenic society such as Nigeria, where we are a people of one race, I didn’t understand the importance and pride of being a black person until when I moved to England in my late teens. I realized that I would struggle with issues around racism, it was blatant, it was in your face and dehumanizing. I also struggleds with discrimination amongst church folks for years on the idea of my personal expression of who I am on the grounds of my sexual orientation, many Christian strongly believe that homosexuals have no place in the church and some believe it is an abomination worthy of death. With all of these madness to deal with, I soon learnt to embrace who I am with abundance of self-love and without an apology. 4) What is something you tell yourself to carry you through the tough times? “I have seen God do it, and I know it’s working out for me”, this is a very popular African American Pentecostal spirit song. With my faith in God, I know that every situation and or circumstances are temporary and with my believe in God, I know he is working things out for me. When I am faced with tough times, I am reminded that it would soon pass away. 5) What are you currently working on? I am currently working on two main interventions., Ffirst, ly I am working to implement programs that support dialogues between faith leaders and the LGBT community who face the challenges of religious abuses and spiritual violence. We strongly believe that LGBT people need and must understand the theology that supports their humanity and validates their existence in the faith and spiritual communities. Secondly, we are working effectively to address the draconian impact of discrimination on the lives of LGBT people and other key population living with HIV. This is extremely important particularly those in crisis and endangered by the level of injustice found in the health service in many African countries. 6) What would you say to your community members who may feel lost, in the midst of their seeking? When one is lost, you just have to take a break in the journey and look back at the tracks you have made, LGBT people need to understand that they have come a long way in the struggle and giving up is not an option. I would say find communities, create families of choice, be the pioneer for the change you wish to see.
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BARBIE OLUBODE SHAWN BROWN
1) What is the most challenging thing you have learned about yourself (yourselves)? The most challenging thing I am learning... and I say challenging in the sense that it takes some adjusting to...is the idea that though we are all connected, we exist in unique worlds, realities and experiences of our own making. The challenging aspect of this is to see others fail themselves as a consequence of their choices, and not sermonize or demonize. I have so often needed to be needed, I so want to help --but the help I can offer is not for everyone. Everyone grows in their own time. We are all one, yes, but yet we are not. So the challenge is letting go, the lesson learned about myself is, I cling. Organizationally, this has implications, when we decide to so things that are comfortable to keep everyone on board, and compromise the truth of what we see. These have been some of the hard lessons organizationally. 2) Describe a time where you “felt lost” and how did you “find your way” through that moment? Wow. These are such great questions. I was not well recent, I was recovering a relatively minor surgery. There were “side effects” of the anesthesia that shut down, some essential bodily functions. I was in a pain and drugged, I panicked and I was truly lost. Everything that I had held on to up to that point was not available… I could not meditate, think straight, or be pacified by my friends. I think this is what you mean when you said lost. Though I knew intellectually, I had to wait for my body to start function again, fears swept across my mind, and the desire to feel well again. I found my way I think by holding on to the fear and desire to be well. I did not deny both. I could not. A middle ground, between both eventually emerged, but I did not come out of the experience as the same person. Everything, I thought I knew had to be reconstructed around the logic of that experience. I live now more consciously with the fear of death and the opportunity —-the joy each moment provides. I won’t apologize for saying I fear death, I suspect we all do, as we have not experienced it before, and for me this is okay. It brings balance to my desire to experience pleasure somehow. Everyone I think goes through a unique process of finding this middle ground, I hollered and screamed, but eventually we all have to let go. 3) We tend to prioritize who we are, what we are, & where we are, but why are you the way you are? Oh boy. You are trying it with these questions!!! ;) I found out something about myself recently, and it came from watching the series the Crown. We may think it is about the British royals, but for me it was examination of the conflict “duty.” —-as in the roles we think we are appointed to and or the roles we assume --- and our humanity – our ability for love and compassion. In the series, the Queen finds her self in a number of dilemas –what is her duty as the Crown, and opposed to what are her personal inclinations. For example telling her sister she could not marry a divorcee –who she loved dearly. So as I watched I had to ask myself, what do I think is my duty and who appointed me to play this role? When and where is the role in conflict with my humanity and authenticity? Where have a been cruel to others in taking care of my “duty.” —-some self-image, idea that I have about my self – the things I need to be right about, to have any sense of myself. I think we all do this – have as set of rules and regulations about how we should be treated and our significance. Our roles are a composite of the things are need to be “right” about and will defend to the death.
These days I am around so many younger people, and I am conscious that I am an elder to them. I know there is a role in the tribe and community for eldership that keeps things in balance. Elders hold history and tradition and should be able to facilitate transitions from the old to the new. I see this as my role... and that’s fine. The interesting thing for me was to notice when that role becomes subverted by my need to be heard and listened to in order to say relevant, or when I compromise the principles of role, so that I don’t feel abandoned. So then what shapes us, is not our roles, but our insecurities. Eventually our natural roles in community, become defined by our insecurities rather that its possibility. In my case it is as an elder who listens more and speaks to help us navigate the territory between what’s old and what’s now new. I am constantly learning and my own life is my laboratory. 4) What does living your best life look like? Wow. Living and being in a shared spaces with my great loves, my Suns, and partners — personal and professional. I love having people around. I love when we support each other and are there for each other, yet give each other space to be. I love us as we are creating together... and I must admit I love sunshine and nature — trees and flowing water. My best life is lived being with family and community, being real with each other, creating and doing things that take us on meaningful adventures. 5) What are you currently working on? The 2018 BLOOM Freedom Festival for one. BLOOM the documentary is currently being completed –it documents our 2016 event in Jamaica. So I am getting ready to show it, and do readings from my just completed book BLOOM – The Essential Journey, around the country and in the UK. I am also getting ready for my first trip to Africa, I will be in Ghana and Nigeria for a month from February through March. In April we have a Carnival Fete in Kingston called JONKANOO, to honor the spirit Dexter 3D Pottinger, a young man who was killed there at the heights of us creative prowess. This project is dear to me, as it deliberately explores the idea of party as ritual, art, performance healing and a vehicle for facilitating social change. And as of mid-April, a full agenda of BLOOM events for New York City begins. 6) What would you say to your community members who may feel lost, in the midst of their seeking? Your desires are happening NOW. Get still. Let go of, what and who goes. Run after nothing. Act on all that comes to mind and moves towards you with effortless ease. Feel your cravings and fear yet surrender to neither. It will be a challenge to stand in the middle ground but and you can.
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ISO: AFFIRMING US
ROD MCCOY
1) What is it you are in search of and why? I would have to say that is happiness, which in this case I am defining as (and I know this almost sounds cliched) living my best life. For most of my life, I sabotaged a lot of my dreams and goals because, deep down, I didn’t think I had what it took to achieve them, or that I even deserved it. That’s why it means so much to me to win the title of American Leatherman, and to do so at age 50. Now I am eager to see what else I can do, and what else I can achieve. 2) What is the most challenging thing you have learned about yourself ? I hsve learned (and embraced) that I have an edgy part of me. I learned that I can be blunt, and I can say things with no filter. I am a very passionate person, to the point where sometimes I can be pushy. The challenge comes in with balancing this part of myself with the “me” that is very loving and caring, that wants to make a positive difference in people’s lives, and that person who is learning to be patient with himself and others. 3) If there was a movie that would symbolize your life thus far, what would it be and why? It would a tie between The Color Purple and The Wizard of Oz. Both involve journeys of self discovery. The Color Purple, however, reminds us that one does not have to stay in bad circumstances, even if that is all you know, because there is always something bettet out there for you. The Wizard of Oz also reminds us that there is no “mighty person” who will make everything right for us, thay we have everything we need inside ourselves. (Those of us who are Christian have a saying: “Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.”) 4) What is something you tell yourself to carry you through the tough times? “God has gotten me through some tough times, have faith that God will get me through again this time.”
5) What does living your best life look like?
It ultimately means not being afraid to do the things we want to do. It means being in touch with what our heart’s desire are and taking the steps to fulfill them. It also means not settling for less in any situation. It also means knowing you are worthy of the best in your life. 6) What are you currently working on? I am working on some appearances and a fundraiser during my title year. I also plan to go back to school to finish getting my Masters degree. What would you say to your community members who may feel lost, in the midst of their seeking? First, I would say not to feel bad for feeling lost, many of us have been there and may still be there. Hang in there. If I can come through my stuff, so can you.
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I BELIEVE LOVE IS I believe love is…. It takes its time and slows down for you. It waits for you to be ready, to mature and grow full into completeness. It waits for you to know yourself inside and out so that you may be able to teach someone about yourself. It lingers around in the background until the circumstances are right, when the broken heart is healed and the bruised egos are gone. Love waits until you are able to appreciate each other, not take your partner for granted. It teac=hes us to say thank you, and I’m sorry. Love is forgiving. It waits for compromise and communication; giving one another the respect of idea and opinion. Love is gentle and sweet and soft and encouraging and long-suffering. Love is patient. I met him when I was just entering my twenties, and he fresh into his thirties. We thought we had it all together then. I thought I was mature but hadn’t really lived life yet. I was looking for a plan, a purpose, and maybe even a dream. I was a stranger in my own world; drifting from day to day with no growth, no road map and no vision. He had just started a business, consumed with decisions, stress and all other responsibilities that come with that venture. He had just ended a prior relationship of several years and was still in his healing process. He wasn’t ready to give his all to someone new. He couldn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved and I wasn’t ready to receive it. I still needed to love myself, look myself in the mirror and except what I saw. I still needed confidence and higher self-esteem. In any event, we tried. We tried with great intention and anticipation. We tried with expectation. Everything was going well. I was with him every day, and every night. There wereas, evenings at the movies and dinners at restaurants. I was happy and in love so I thought, until I realized that I had allowed him to become my world. I lived and breathed him. I needed to be with him all the time. My emotional being depended on if I talked to him that day or not. I was becoming more vulnerable and more detached from whom I was and he was becoming all he could be. There was no place for love because the man I was trying to love was still climbing the ladder to manhood and the man in me was still trying to emerge. I tried to push love into my life and in doing so it disappeared. We broke up. Now, 10 years later, I’m awakened every morning by the softness of his lips and the
darby, t : words
deep sound of his voice. “Good morning” he says. Our arms intertwined together, almost locked as we converse about the days plan in a whisper. I could not believe it was him. I smiled at newness, nothing but pure joy displayed across my face. My days filled with uncontrollable laughter, afternoon walks in the park and nights with true unspeakable passion. This was becoming my new normal. I was comfortable here in this new space. I was free to be me with no adding or subtracting, just me. And I loved it. This was true love. I’m taken care of when I’m sick and hugged when I’m down. This is love. He finishes my sentences and I start his. This is love. He encourages me and I compliment him. This is love. This was a love I was beginning to think I would never see. I was waiting on this love and dreaming of this love and it never showed up until now. At 47 years old, I thought I was well overdue for this relationship. But what I’ve learned is that love cannot be rushed. It will wait you out until you are ready to receive and reciprocate. Love is patient and we are with true patience.
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MIX THEY & THEM The media as of late has been doing an excellent job of shifting towards a greater visibility of trans people, with coverage of huge celebrities like Caitlyn Jenner and Laverne Cox, MTV’s latest episode of True Life “I’m Genderqueer,” and TLC’s “I Am Jazz.” As a queer person, I am very happy to see the national conversation shift towards marginalized identities who weren’t previously getting any airtime. Educating people on trans identities is so important in better understanding humans around usyou, and gender as a whole, which can help dismantle sexist and transmisogynistic ideas of gender. But unfortunately, despite these representations (which admittedly tilt in favor of white or upper-class trans folks), people who exist between the binaries continue to be overlooked. Genderqueer, non-binary, and other gender non-conforming individuals continue to be largely misunderstood. As someone who identifies as non-binary, this persisting widespread ignorance is important to me. My gender identity and the way I choose to present myself constantly puts me at the fringe of conversation and causes people to distance themselves from their understanding of my existence. I am consistently invalidated through misgendering, with the constant use of “girl,”“woman,” and “miss” when referring to me (even after I correct people). It’s disorienting, frustrating, and often makes me feel invisible. For that reason, and because every non-binary person goes through similar issues, it’s important that we make an effort to educate ourselves about the identities of those around us so we can live in a world that is more kind and comfortable for everyone. Here are some things you should know if you know someone who is gender non-conforming, or consider yourself an ally of the LGBTQIA+ community. Everyone’s experiences are vastly different, and I am simply speaking from my own perspective as a gender non-conforming individual. Gender is way more complicated than just male and female. All people exist on a gender spectrum, as they do on the sexuality spectrum, and many fall between the two extreme binaries of what we understand to be “male” and “female.” Additionally, the sex you were assigned at birth, the gender you identify as, and your gender presentation are all separate things. Personally, I don’t identify as a man or a woman. I was assigned male at birth, and I present as different genders depending on the day. I alternate between “non-binary” and “genderqueer’ as gender identifiers. According to this Trans, Genderqueer, and Queer Terms Glossary, genderqueer is defined as “an umbrella term for people whose gender identity is outside of, not included within, or beyond the binary of female and male.” But everyone’s interpretations of their gender queerness is at least slightly
different. Broadening one’syour understanding and definition of gender is helpful in further understanding and respecting the gender I am and how I wish to perceived. Many people’s idea of “androgyny” involves a masculine-presenting person and devalues the existence of femininity. Unfortunately, this idea also runs rampant within the queer community itself. The dominant idea is that queer or genderqueer “looks” a certain way — a way that includes short hairstyles, masculine styles of dress, and oftentimes body modifications. However, as we know, presentation is separate from identity. So if I had long hair, that doesn’t make my androgyny, masculinity, or gender queerness any less valid than a person presenting masculinity in a more classic way. Yet unfortunately, my genderqueer identity has been invalidated by cis and trans people alike because of the way I present myself (?). Others’ opinions about my identity, based on the way I present, tend to be incredibly assumptive and discriminatory. Dismantling the patriarchy doesn’t mean an end to femininity, so let’s be kinder and more validating to the many facets of our femme and femme-presenting friends. I’ve been asked many times what exactly genderqueer means. For me, it means that I am a fluid androgynous person who isn’t comfortable with their masculinity about 50 percent of the time. But, as most things are, it’s subjective and completely different and fluid for everyone. Some of us feel masculine and feminine at the same time. Some of us feel feminine one day and masculine the other. And then some of us don’t feel masculine or feminine (also known as agender). Many of us don’t feel the need to physically transition since we don’t identify as either gender, and then there are those of us who do. Everyone’s experience with gender is different, even in gender non-conforming communities. One of the first things I do when getting to know someone, aside from asking their name and where they’re from, is asking them for their pronouns. I make sure to do this for all humans because I want to keep in mind the problematic assumptions I mentioned above, there is no way to tell someone’s pronouns or gender identity by simply looking at them. As someone who is misgendered on a daily basis, I’m sure to be careful that those around me feel that their identities are being respected and seen. It’s not rude to ask for someone’s pronouns — in fact it’s necessary and much appreciated. I personally use they/them pronouns. However, even though they/them pronouns are pretty widely used in gender non-conforming circles, don’t assume these are the pronouns your genderqueer friend or acquaintance is using. There are many types of neutral pronouns, like zie/zir, ve/vis and tey/tem (and here are many others). People choose their pronouns based on their own preferences and comfort levels, and it’s important that you learn (and don’t assume) the pronouns of your friends.
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There are also those gender non-conforming individuals who don’t change their pronouns from she/her or he/him. Bottom line: everybody is different, and drawing broad generalizations will not be helpful. It can seem daunting to people at first, and perhaps initially difficult to incorporate this language into their vocabulary in a grammatically correct way. But if you care about your loved ones feeling validated and are open to the flexibility of language, then learning the pronouns of the people in your life shouldn’t be hard. Odds are, you’re going to slip up my or any non-gender-conforming person’s pronouns at least once. And that’s OK. It’s a learning curve and no one can get things right 100 percent of the time. If you catch yourself misgendering someone, pause and correct yourself, then move on. That is enough. Many times, people in my life go a bit overboard and launch into long apologies about how they’re sorry they misgendered me and overcompensate by telling them how much they care and feel remorse. However, this isn’t a very helpful response. How these interactions often end is with me comforting them about the mistake they made, making excuses about it and acting as if I know my identity is inconvenient enough and I’m just grateful that they care. But that right there is just some damaging bullshit. I deserve to be validated the same way cisgender people are when people use the right pronoun and see them for who they are without so many questions. The last thing I want to do after being misgendered is comfort you about your privilege. As well as being mindful to use the correct pronouns with the ones you love, you should take care to be aware of the way you use other gendered words like girl, woman, guy, or man to refer to your friends. Many gender non-conforming people, including myself, are not comfortable with these gendered words or identifiers either. If I identify as genderqueer, and you took the time to know what that means, please don’t call me girl or woman. Because I’m simply not a girl or a woman. There are plenty of gender-neutral substitutes for many descriptors and titles. Replace “guy” or “girl” with “person” or “human.” Swap out “Ms.” or “Mr.” with “Mx.” Switch “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” with “partner” or “lover.”
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SOCIAL [Love]: THE MISAPPROPRIATION One of the greatest misperceptions I have experienced as a [gay] man is the assumption [of others] that my sexuality is my identity . I understand most subscribe to the belief that being gay is a lifestyle, the manner by which you direct your life. The assumption that both sexuality and identity are mutually exclusive is a misconception that is perpetuated in society. As a gay man, I can personally share that my sexuality has very little to do with my actual lifestyle; sure it’s in there a little but it is not a main role in my day to day. There is a certain space that I have worked intentionally to develop. While I am not in the closet, I am also not in the streets. This autonomy from who I choose to share physically intimate encounters with and how I live my life enables me to exist in clarity as I achieve my best self. The challenge for many gay men is the hyper sexuality that we are forced to wear as a scarlet letter throughout our lives. Our [social] existence is built on who and how we “sex”, not our morals or ambitions. The term homosexuality is defined as “romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behavior between members of the same sex or gender.”- Wiki. Furthermore, according to the American Psychological Association,” homosexuality also refers to a person’s sense of identity based on those attractions, related behaviors, and membership in a community of others who share those attractions.” It is extremely disappointing to be deduced to a sexuality. It is even more damning when you are forced to identify as your sexuality while socially disregarding your actual identity out of shame, regret or fear. We [all] share more in common than that which distinguishes our sexual efforts. At the core for most humans, we want to be affirmed, loved, and valued. We should not limit or punish others for how they fulfill those desires. I identify as a gay black male. This social label does not offer the totality of my ambitions or character but rather provides loose social context by which my [individual] is diminished to perceptions found within the three little boxes - gay, black, male. While there is a reflection of truth in each, I am more than the collective perception of the three. I am gay, I do prefer sex with men therefore it is my sexual preference. I am black, this is not changing nor is it a preference; it’s simply my only option, I can never “change” from black. I do not know the experience of an Asian man, as I am not Asian so consequently I can only stand to learn of his experience so that I may better understand my own. I should place some temperance here. Being gay is not a preference in the sense that I choose to be gay, nor more than I chose to be black. I just woke up gay. It is a preference in the sense that sexuality [for some] is fluid and thereby changeable. I fully encourage individuals to embark on their own personal journeys of self-discovery breaking down the mental walls of isolation and limitation that we subconsciously build in an attempt to pass through society unmarked. My own personal journey with growth and discovery has shown me the value of discretion with my intimate affairs - intimate being both romantic and sexual. In maintaining
this personal discretion, I find that I am more genuinely expressed in all areas of my life, as that which I offer socially is for consumption [opinion] and the rest is for me. Discretion, as I practice it, is to live my life in a manner by which I am accountable to others directly included or influenced by my experiences, it does not require public display to be genuine or valued. I simply do not subscribe to the belief that I have to wear my sexuality as I wear my skin, however there is absolutely no justification for penalizing those who do. There seems to be a commonality in the understanding of gay culture that discrete is down low [DL] - a term coined in the early nineties to explain the wave of bi-sexual [black] men who have sex openly with women but shamefully with men. Discretion and DL have two different expressions and can not exist in tandem. Discretion requires both individual and social accountability where as DL disengages accountability all together, but rather enforces secrecy in an attempt to further shameful practices. A man who is discreet in his intimate affairs can be heterosexual or homosexual, he successfully places space between his identity and sexuality while fully affirming both. A man who is DL is typically a gay man performing as a heterosexual male in circles that define masculinity by sexual encounters with women. While the two can share in the practice of intimate affairs [with men], they hold separate social influences. As a discreet male I don’t believe public acknowledgement or approval is required for my personal affairs however social accountability is - what I add to the pot of society through my actions will ultimately prepare the karmic feast ahead. I desired to understand further the misappropriation of identity and sexuality in the gay dating scene so I began a social project. I created an account on a social dating app. I uploaded a self-portrait and provided context for my interests and sat back as the fish gathered in the net. Initially, there was a tsunami of perceptions and desires projected on me as I swam through the fray, extremes and in betweens existing in the same space - a sexual marketplace of sorts. Conversations were minimized to colloquialisms while others never used words but memes and pics [often nude] to share their interest or quest. As an individual who values conversation and connectedness, it was a bleak journey. Removing the sexual context, there is simply a famine of the conversationalist. In the first week, a period of 7 days, I received a total of 223 messages. There were 85 [unsolicited] nudes lacking any textual content - just dick or ass pics. Of those 85 individuals, on average, I received 3-5 [textual] follow ups in the absence of my response; “pics? how you get down? raw top looking to milk some ass,“ or the ever so terse “looking?” 65 messages reading a variation of “sup, what up, or yo bruh” often followed by a nebulous image; a face picture with a disguise [hat, shades] or a torso with an overlay of an emoji in an attempt to hide their face. When I inquired of an actual picture displaying their identity, the rebuttal of “I’m DL, you play the pic game
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21 huh?” or my favorite “I’m not out there like that bruh,” were all offered as some shield or barrier. The conundrum present here is you desire the exclusive right to view my images and hold me to the audition of your attraction, but lack the confidence to present that vulnerability to others. In this fucked up measure of what can only be [visual] interest given the platform, you are hiding while viewing others. You are the guy [you] hope to avoid, the one exploiting others - the victim and perp share a face. 43 messages were from guys over 100 miles away who actually held conversations with me. These were really good conversations, however the challenge was keeping up with 43 different individuals expressing interest. It was exhausting. While I am humbled that 43 guys would invest their time in expressing an interest in my context, it was a daunting task to remain genuinely engaged. How could I show up and be present and “in focus” for everyone at once? Quite candidly, I felt like I was on some conveyor belt rapidly firing off brief responses to show my acknowledgment of the message. It just felt really disposable. How anyone can genuinely explore more than 1 person at a time is still a mystery for me. 8 couples [counted as an individual] for the purpose of my research inquired of my interest in being a third in their intimate acts. 2 couples offered to pay me to join and allow them to film it. While I am not entertainment , the mentality of modern day intimacy seems to be represented as entertainment. This mentality speaks to the disposal tone of dating. Needless to say, I declined their advances. 35 messages remained that I felt offered solid context and tone for my interests. These individuals while they do not represent the totality of any one culture, they do speak as [individuals] in the absence of any social affirmation. I feel confident in sharing their feedback as I often found myself reflected in their responses. This feedback further affirmed the ostracisation I have experienced from a culture that has been championed as the voice of my existence as a “gay black man.” I offer this content with temperance, as a journalist my goal is to present the gamut of truth,. As inconvenient as it may be - we all deserve the option of truth. While answering my questions, some of the guys began their journey of internal questioning for their own growth. Their responses were both humbling and insightful. I asked the remaining 35 guys the following questions : How do you define your identity, what does it consist of, and do you feel that this is often misappropriated in society? Do you believe your sexuality and identity to be mutually exclusive? How would you describe discretion, and does it have a value in your day to day existence. What do you think the [gay] dating scene offers the single male? Do you feel affirmed in your individuality through the engagement of the [gay] social scene? In true form as any mad-scientist I turned the mixture on myself, here are my personal beliefs Subject [Moi] 1. I think my identity is composed of many things notably my race, gender, moral compass and social affiliations. I do think that a great portion of my identity is misappropriated by society especially my race, and sexuality as a gay man. 2. I do not think the two [sexuality and identity] are mutually exclusive mostly because if I were not gay I would still be all the other parts of me. 3. Discretion as I practice it means to place autonomy between your personal affairs and the public stage. I value discretion a great deal mostly because in my own life discretion keeps me accountable to those under the influence of my decisions. It presents a space between who I am and what I do, however I do feel that there is a loose understanding of discretion and many use it in an attempt to evade accountability both personally and socially. 4. It has been my experience that the “scene” lacks accountability there is a common thread of bitterness and pain that is often forced on others through emotional hysteria. For me, little room has been given for my own vision of myself but rather I’m assigned and more often dismissed to a poor perception from someone’s experiences with others before me. I think it lacks actual culture, recognition of others and expression of individuality. There is a famine on the individual within the gay scene you simply “have” to be what everyone else wants. We audition each other on our
stages of pain and heartbreak in an attempt to seem “ready” and grounded for love, few of us actually do the work to become an individual available for growth with another. While I am disappointed I am not surprised as I too was someone who was afraid to approach myself soberly, free of any perceived obligation of acceptance. It is impossible to encourage growth in others if you’ve not experienced growth within yourself, to expect that which you can’t perceive is foolish. 5. While I am only one out of millions, I do feel a little more reflected in the culture after accomplishing my social experiments and sharing actual conversations with other men [gay and hetero]. I found myself further affirmed as a man open to love and expressing that love in a way that is unique to my partner and I. Throughout the interviews there were definite parallels,. Eeach guy expressed the desire to be affirmed in their individuality but felt pressured either directly or subconsciously to sacrifice their truth for the allure of popularity. More than half shared experiences that left them wanting different, so I asked the final question - “How do we grow [forward] from here?” At the core of growth in general, one has to have sober acknowledgement of our individual efforts and investments into the chaos. While I will not assume for others the processes found in their own journeys, for me as I reflect back on how I handled others with regard to my sexuality or identity, I find that there was an opportunity for me to [show up] authentically, but the weight of perception and allure of popularity seemed greater than my personal truth. I was the guy presenting less expecting more, giving none of me but requiring all of [you]. I have disposed of others who did not hit the little boxes on my list, “no fat, no fem, etc…” only to find that I did not hit the boxes I required of others. While I may not be “fat or fem”, I am sure somewhere on my list, I am falling short to my expectation of others. Think about it, how many times have you or someone who know presented an expectation that no one could live up to? A creation that served only their imagination finding no place in reality. This is an internal question, you don’t have to share this with anyone but you. Here in this space, I think is where we begin to change the tone, here is where we grow. Eventually you find the challenge in [creating] others is it almost always highlights your own insecurities, God sculpted us all with the same hand. It is not now nor shall it ever be our place to distinguish what is good or bad for others but rather what promotes our best selves. As gay black men, we have to acknowledge that we and only we can feel the sting associated with the misappropriation of our identities so blatantly displayed in our culture. Why not aim to consciously acknowledge this parallel in your brother before judging and/or dismissing him? Sure ever gay is not “your gay” but to those outside of our dynamic we are the same. Hell, thats the core of this piece acknowledging the diversity of sexuality and allowing it to be just that, a sexuality not an identity. So as I continue to challenge me to embrace [me], I encourage you to the same, embrace you at no cost to others. Present who you want to be, and who you are, rather than who want others to “perceive.” Do the hard work to marry your vision to the reality of you, holding no excuses, no judgment [of others] only growth. Do this and the world will open up for you. Work at being the best you and almost always who ever you desire in on that path, imagine the freedom you achieve by getting off the stage of social auction and audition, the freedom found only in sober reflection in the mirror of [self]. We can never change the perceptions of others, nor can we direct their actions, but we can and we must remain in center for ourselves and soberly acknowledge our investment in the chaos.
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SELF PERCEPTION I am comfortable expressing my emotions. I reflect on what I am good at and what I could improve upon. Considering my strengths and weaknesses, I feel good about myself. I am confident in my abilities. I develop networks of people that benefit me and them. I develop trusting relationships with others. I take the time necessary to build and maintain relationships. I influence others to my point of view. Others would describe me as influential. Others would describe me as persuasive. I set direction by clarifying others’ roles and responsibilities. I assume the role of leader for particular tasks or projects. I am looked to by others for guidance or direction. I am flexible in my thinking. I am adaptable when confronted with unexpected changes. I easily make changes in how I do things. I generate creative solutions. I use existing concepts as a catalyst for even more creative approaches. I make it possible for others to show their creativity
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FEEL THE BOOST While boosting the body’s immune system may not sound as sexy as the latest fat-shredding workout, it’s certainly key to long-term health, and of course, reducing the risk of catching a common cold or flu. Although most people are only aware of the immune system when they are fighting off a cold, it is, in fact, an essential part of our daily lives for much more than just defense against infection. For the fitness enthusiast or bodybuilder, the immune system plays a key role in cellular repair. Most importantly, helping to keep everyone germ- and illness-free. When training - a time when, temporarily, the immune system is actually weakened, and one is more susceptible to illness. The immune system is comprised of several biological cell types and systems which protect against a wide variety of illnesses and disease. It acts as your body’s natural defense system against ‘pathogens’, which can be anything from viruses to worms which attack the body’s tissues and cells. That’s why it’s vital to keep your immune system working optimally to ensure you can train harder and stay disease-free. On a daily basis, antioxidants play an important role in reducing cell death, which over the long term helps promote longer life, reduces the signs of aging and fights off diseases such as cancer.
Nearly everyone is familiar with the links between Vitamin C and colds or flu.
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The reason that Vitamin C can be beneficial is because it’s an antioxidant, which is a broader term encompassing several nutrients that play a key role in the body’s immune and defense system. Here are a few key methods that further emphasize the importance of a healthy lifestyle and diet. Eat more vegetables and fiber; especially fiber from resistant starch, which is a special type of dietary fiber that has numerous health benefits and can improve gut health and gut microbiome. Reduce stress and excessive cortisol by making positive lifestyle alterations, meditating, sleeping more, reducing processed food intake and possible adding in supplements such as phosphatidylserine. Reduce exposure to carcinogens and environmental toxins by choosing BPA-free products, natural cosmetics and beauty products. Exercise on a regular basis. Reduce inflammation, which increases unhealthy gut bacteria. Use pre- and probiotics to improve healthy gut bacteria.
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CLAIMING OUR RESPECT & VALUE Recently Black Women showed their power and value in Alabama by helping elect a Democrat to the Senate, is it time for the Black LGBTQ community to show our power? Black Wave America (BWA) is a political & economic advocacy organization dedicated to building Black LGBTQ influence and respect. Its mission: Advocate around issues impacting the Black LGBTQ community. The vision: is full equity and respect for Black LBGTQ lives. “I was shocked when I asked a few elected officials how they made decisions for the Black LGBTQ community and realized there was no real recourse outside of HIV work” said Rafer Johnson, Black Wave America’s Founder & Executive Director. He went on to add that “activating this powerful base could be a game changer and swing vote for some races”. BWA was designed to fill that gap and support the Black LGBTQ community to claim its rightful place in the economic and political worlds. Many in our community reflect the best, brightest and even some of the highest compensated Black people, yet we have not shown that value to our own community, much less the larger community of color and then on to the country as a whole. This year BWA plans to ignite and build engagement through education, advocacy and establishing relationships with government, business and community leaders on the priorities of the collective Black LGBTQ community in Georgia. Take the survey to ensure the opportunity is taken by a broad audience. The organization is reaching out through modern & traditional methods including surveys, town hall discussions, gatherings and forums. It is in the process of collecting data on our community through a survey (see QR Code to participate) and it already is showing us some surprising information around high voting patters, income levels, avg education, etc. The highest priorities so far are Health, Housing & LGBTQ Civil Rights, but all of that is subject to change as a wider group takes the survey, so make sure you are counted. Next steps include 1) Preparing & sharing a policy priorities document with elected officials, local governments and businesses in 2019 (This has not been done outside of HIV as far as we know and will be updated annually). 2) Creating a Think Tank on Black LGBTQ issues, priorities and the policies impacting them. 3) Serve as a resource for leaders on Black LGBTQ priorities. 4) Expand the rolls of active voters in the Black LGBTQ community. Black Wave America (BWA) can be found on Facebook, Twitter and IG @BlackWaveAmerica
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