September 29, 2006
What’s up, dudes. Suke here with this month’s “How to.” Look, everybody hates being forced to learn stuff, right? Well, there are a few things that make the first couple of months on campus great. Now that we’re away from our parents, we get to wear a wifebeater all day long, play football and internet poker, and of course, meet the new faces on campus. Around the locker room, guys are always asking me how I get so many hotties. Well, I’m about to go against all man-laws here and reveal my secrets. I mean, I’ve been going here for six years now and I’m almost out of here with my bachelors in recreation. Once I’m gone, these tried and true methods will be useless to me. So, might as well pass on the knowledge. Behold my sacred “HighFive”: Appearance, Approach, Charm, Etiquette and Ambiance. Master these, young Dennis-Hoppers, and you will literally be a lady-killer. APPEARANCE Everybody knows the Metro-look went out with Halo and beer-pong. Today’s man is rugged, self-confident and too cool to worry about his appearance. I usually prepare for my Thursday night by taking a four-hour nap to attain that “I-just-woke-upbecause-I-party-so-hard-all-the-time look.” Then I toss on my stained Abercrombie sweater (bought it that way) and my everessential Adidas flip-flops. But what good is looking good if you don’t SMELL good? I’m a big guy, so I usually go through two or three cans of Axe per day. Those commercials are one hundred percent true. APPROACH Without a smooth pickup line, you might as well just stay home and watch Sports Center. As I gaze across the dance floor at Garnsey’s, I try to custom make each line for each particular honey. For example, if the prospective girl is holding a beer, that means she must be totally into sports, just like us! Time to roll up those sleeves and flex the biceps. If the barbed wire tattoo doesn’t get her, your opening line, “Could you recommend a good veternarian? Cuz these pythons are SICK!!!” definitely will. Let’s say the girl is wearing glasses or something. That means she must be into art and science and stuff. For this elusive breed, I run out to the F150 and grab the first book I find in my truck bed. As you approach, pull a random quote and she’ll be yours as fast as you can say, “Intramural athletics have scientifically proven benefits.” I mean how many syllables was that big word there? She won’t have any idea what you just said, so just nod in agreement with yourself.
36
March 4, 2022
CHARM By now you should be halfway there. It’s time to woo her with your sense of humor. When I want to get laughs, I just quote a line from Napoleon Dynamite or Anchorman. You’ve probably never heard of these movies but they’re definitely a must-see. Anchorman will never get old, trust me. Last week, my friend Shaggo goes, “Dude, how do you know that chick?” and I go, “I’m kind of a big deal. People know me.” I just came up with that on the spot! Don’t forget to raise your hand in expectation of a high-five. Girls love it, and if she goes for it you know you can rely on this technique all night long. ETIQUETTE This one is probably the most overlooked by the dudes I know. Let’s face the facts. Most girls are turned off by a wussy guy who throws his jacket in the mud so a girl can keep her Uggs dry. I earned every letter ON that jacket! If the girl you have just charmed asks you to buy her a drink, show her your feminist side: “Hey, you make 75% of what I make. Buy it yourself.” If she isn’t smiling, give her a playful slug in the arm. AMBIANCE Ah, 2am. The magical hour when it’s time to show her your place. If your dorm room is smelly and drab, you won’t be holding hands tonight. Make sure you have a poster with John Belushi on it. He speaks for our entire generation. Next to that hang up a torn out picture from a magazine, such as Shawne Merriman or Jessica Alba. Buy a cheap guitar and leave it casually lying on your bed. If she asks you to play, get a wistful look in your eye and go, “Someday...” Well, that’s it. You are now armed wit the wisdom to get freshman chicks. If you have found anything offensive in this article, hit me up on Facebook and I’ll be glad to share an open discourse of tolerance and acceptance with you. I have 377 friends. You can be 378. Oh, and when you do land the girl of your dreams, tell her Suke sent you. This article is the work of a USF student. The face pictured above is our idea of what our pseudonymous Suke might look like.
