Sleeping with the stars.

BY TIANA PLYWASKI

To the chagrin of many straight men, we have arrived at a pivotal point for online dating: all major dating apps now display star signs at the front of our profiles. Part of me understands the eyerolls. The surge of Tumblr zodiac posts that flooded Instagram in the early 2010s certainly gave astrology a bad name, assigning each sign a type of soda or chip flavour based on little to no reasoning. For many people, the idea that the stars and planets have anything to do with who we are as people is often held as ridiculous and silly. For some (Jesse from MAFS, I’m glaring at you), it’s even a deal breaker.

Social impressions of astrology are highly gendered, and we can’t overlook the undercurrent of misogyny that runs beneath many dismissals of astrology as an indicator of unintelligence or a lack of critical thinking. I don’t plan my life around retrogrades, but I do stay home to read Tarot on full moons and I’ve spent countless nights drunkenly analysing the charts of girls I meet at parties.

I also keep a list of the signs of people I’ve slept with. Sure, you can tell me astrology is bull, but then explain to me why I always have an incredible time with Sagittarians, but I’ve never dated a water sign. Explain to me why, when I asked my Instagram followers for zodiac sex reviews, everyone had the exact same things to say about each sign.

With that said, I am proud to present you with a definitive rating and ranking of what you can expect from each sign in the bedroom, based on painfully thorough and highly professional research (personal experience and an Instagram answer box). Check your partner’s sun, Mars and Venus signs if you aren’t sure what these are, there are plenty of apps and websites such as Co-Star (even Snapchat has a natal chart feature now). Sun signs rule your core ego and identity, but Mars is all about sex and aggression, and Venus manages all things love and pleasure, so these often dominate people’s charts. in the bedroom!

SCORPIO 3/5

Scorpios think they are the designer handbags of the zodiac: hard to earn, harder to actually get, but worth it all in the end. The pickiness with which they choose a partner leaves them feeling like they need to prove themselves. Mysterious and guarded with a point to make? It’s a recipe for an intensely attentive partner. If you can get a Scorpio in the bedroom, they’ll be open to whatever you want, and love every moment they’re able to spend with you. They are water signs though, so go heavy on the cuddles afterwards.

GEMINI 3.5/5

Geminis, apparently, believe in telepathy. They assume their partners will inherently know their quirks, and that they know intuitively what’s best for their partner. Geminis are dynamic and easily bored, so maybe they’re just trying to skip the small talk and cut to the chase before they lose interest. All that said, when Geminis stick around, they position themselves as the sole protector and provider of their partner’s pleasure, dedicating time to learning the ins and outs of their partner’s desires (pun intended).

CANCER 2/5

Cancers are emotional and sensitive, which translates very well to the bedroom if you’re looking for an attentive partner. It translates less well if you’re looking for someone to fulfil your 365 Days fantasy (in which case, I’d recommend a therapist), as they focus more on sensuality than intensity. To put it plainly, Cancers either are pillow princesses, or they want one.

ARIES 4/5

Go ahead and ask your Aries hookup: their BDSMtest.org results will be saved to their phone. They bring passion to everything they do, and once they start, they tend to forget where to stop. There’s a certain confidence, a swagger, if you will, to an Aries, that drives their impulsivity and makes it seem miles more intentional than it is, so never forget that not even they know what their next move will be.

VIRGO 3/5

Virgos are meticulous and controlling in all that they do, and this often means they know just what to say to get someone undressed. In the bedroom, they’re dominant and determined, but can also be egotistical creatures of habit. Fortunately, Virgos are also very happy to break those habits — if there was a Grammarly for sex, they’d be premium subscribers. Since we haven’t quite reached that point as a society, they usually settle for detailed feedback and communication from their partners.

LEO 2/5

Leos will make sure that you are well-looked-after. They’re experimentalists and love to show off with athletic positions, but there’s sometimes a lack of passion. Sure, they care about your pleasure, but they care a little bit more that you tell your friends exactly how good the sex was.

AQUARIUS 2.5/5

Aquarians are stereotyped as determined and logical, which can translate to a stilted and seemingly disingenuous presence in the bedroom. They embody a strange balance of having their head in the clouds, and being in complete control to make sure their needs – as well as yours – are met along the way. Your Aquarius partner probably identifies as dominant, but in such a way that they might feel slightly threatened by constructive criticism, so tread lightly.

CAPRICORN 2/5

Capricorn’s responsibility can hinder them in the bedroom as they struggle to communicate desires. When their intuitive tendencies match with their partner, you can expect sparks, fireworks, TNT… the whole shabang. But when it’s not an immediate match, their pessimism often rears its head to declare an ‘ick’ and cut things off.

TAURUS 4/5

Taureans are ruled by Venus, which is the planet in charge of love and pleasure. They’re known for their sensuality and materialism, so it’s no surprise that they pull out all the stops in the bedroom — toys, touches, and teasing all included. They definitely take pride in a partner who’s well-satisfied, but they don’t accept mediocrity when it comes to their own pleasure – they expect to take just as much as they give.

PISCES 4/5

Much like Leos, Pisces want people to know exactly how intimate and loving and generous they are in bed. They can be a little disconnected on a bad day, but their water sign emotionality makes them perceptive to their partners’ needs. They notice the little signals about your experience and act on them, meeting their partner wherever they are with enthusiasm.

LIBRA 4/5

Nobody has ever tried to deny that Libras have game. They’re the flirts of the zodiac and they know it, but that reputation can get to their heads – in the bedroom, they can be a little self-centred. They know exactly how pretty they are, and sometimes forget that looking good doesn’t quite cut it without, you know… personality. Regardless, they’re silver-tongued enough in the streets to get people to the bedroom, and good enough in the sheets to get people back for round two.

SAGITTARIUS 4.5/5

Sagittarians are experimental and spontaneous in life and in love. They’re game to try nearly anything, so they’re not interested in anyone without an open mind and the ability to keep up with their frankly insane pace. Sagittarians are what Leos want you to think they are – genuinely turned on by their partner’s pleasure, and caught up in the moment almost too easily.

ART BY SIENA ZADRO